The Bizarre Ramblings of Victoria

[Victoria Demeanor]

Hello All, just me Victoria D.
I guess I’m really not asking for advice, but feel free to chime in with your thoughts if you wish. We are all friends here and love to hear what you think. Yes I know, I do need to find a good professional therapist to discuses these issues, but a good friend here reminded me that sometimes you just have to write things down to help organize your thoughts. I’m sharing them here with you, because well, even though I haven’t meet anyone here face to face, I feel a certain deep friendship with many of you and for those that I have talked with, there is a kind of trust, intimacy and yes admiration for you being here that allows me to bare my soul. I also thought since most of us come here looking for answers It’s always good to read where some of us are on this journey. So this looks to be a long one. Sorry, but I opened up a bottle of white Zin for us, so take a glass and please bear with me as I tend ramble on.

As a young child growing up in the dark ages and before I hit puberty, I had no idea why I want to put on my mothers undies and bra, I’m sure I would have put on one of her dresses and not really sure I didn’t. It was dressing up and I was happy. I kind of vaguely remember an incident during this time. Something that told me this was wrong, that I was being girly and needed to “man up” and I believe this is where I started to build the manly mask that I’ve used throughout my live.

As a teen I had figured out that it was wrong in the world I lived in, but I could do things as a goof. I don’t know what drove me to put on a found, girls one piece bathing suit during a late night beach party, or why it was so important that I dress as a girl one Halloween. Why I stashed away a nightgown I found in a hotel room on a family trip. It wasn’t for sexual reasons. Then I never really thought about it, never knew there was something bad about it, except guys wore guy cloths and girls wore girl cloths. Ok there was more back then and as I look back it wasn’t just about the clothing. I know I wasn’t a typical boy. At family events, I would rather be in the kitchen with the women then the living room with the men watching sports. I have always been more drawn to women and not so much in the biblical sense, but more in the physiological and camaraderie aspect.

This all came crashing down when I turned 18 and found that my father was transitioning. ??!!?! If it’s unusual now, back then it was unthinkable. 1977 and the information on transgenderisum flowed forth from the mountain of knowledge like a…… um ya in the conservative north east really? The word gay was still being used to describe a good wholesome time. This all compounded by the fact that my father and I never could really talk or discuss any of this. I did what I thought was best, due to fear and guilt. Suppress and denial was the key. Pushed those feeling down so deep, Davy Jones could find them. I took all my life’s observation about men and became the manliest man I could. To say disaster would be a gross understatement. My biggest regrets are from this time period.

So good or bad and after much soul searching, I have walked this tight rope between genders, when I do the typical grunt, grunt with other males I see theses traits and realize the division of men and women on a whole other plateau. I am a guy I have the dangly parts yet I still side on the feminine side and find myself appalled by these male attitudes.

OK Part 2: I’ve opened up a bottle of surprisingly good red wine that I picked up in Turkey; so let me fill your glass.

Later throughout my life mid 30's-50’s these feelings would arise again. I felt for sure it was a sexual fetish.( I really did do a good job of suppressing my past) With excitement and lust, I would put on stockings, panties, a bra and suddenly my sexual excitement would dwindle (okay go away completely). A whole different feeling would come over me, I would want to put on a dress and it would just get very confusing to me. Heels I wanted to put on heels, but why I was already limp what would that do? The urge overwhelmed. I never thought I was born the incorrect gender, but I have had the odd thought from time to time. The, if I was in an accident where my “man jewels” were damaged in such a way, I would opt to transition. Yes I could go in and analyze that thought for years.

I came here about 9 months ago. By that point I had figured I was a cross dresser. Before I signed up on this site, I had all ready bought a couple wigs, breast forms, some clothing, oh of course heels and I had already been out in public a couple of times. Coming to this site I was sure I was a guy that liked to wear women’s cloths and present female from time to time. I knew that my inner personality was more feminine and I was sure that this was just a way for me to sooth my soul. I accepted this and let myself try on dresses, play with make up and do “girly” things.

When I thought this was just a juvenile boy thing, I was happy, made sense, easy to explain. When I thought it was a sexual fetish thing, I was happy made sense easy to explain. When I was sure I was a simple cross dresser I was happy, made sense, easy to explain. Now I find myself questioning this all over again. Cursing and hating myself for being so frigging complicated and not just being “normal” Life is full of jokes and it is truly playing a good one on me.

So where am I now? I’m finding more and more that I’m not so much trying to present as female as I am just happy embracing more of my real characteristics that are typically seen by society as female. I do look in the mirror and curse my weather beaten face, I find myself hating my stupidly proportioned body. I despise the hair that grows in the wrong places. I want so badly to have my Adams apple shaved off and yet at the same time I am happy being me and I do like the “man” me.

I don’t know if I am a man with the soul of a woman or if I’m a woman in the body of a man or if there really is a difference and at this point I don’t know if it really matters. I have lived a rich and very full life and have always tried to be a good person and that maybe all I need.

There is so much more of my confusion and most times I feel I could just scream. It’s just too much to put into a post, but if you have made it this far thank you, I just needed to get this off my chest.
As always your friend
Victoria D

[Robin414]

Wow Victoria, yes I did 'make it this far' hon...thanks for the glass of wine BTW 😉 Long post for sure but in short, I hear ya girl, you're not alone!

[Dana44]

Victoria, Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Yeah, well the time we grew up we had to be men. I never was able to sit very long with a type A personality male as I saw far more than they did. Growing up was hard as I was confused until later in life. I agree that some of it is easy to explain. yet some not so easy.
yes, we are still confused. I'm androgynous and I thought for a long time I was a girl and felt so manly at times. I lived a rich life and traveled a lot. I remember standing on the front of a dive boat after a dive looking into the horizon wondering what the hell I was. Women would come up and put their arms around me and ask what I was thinking. I would turn and look at them and tell them that I wondered if any woman would ever possess my soul. LOL pretty heavy to lay on a woman. But what I was really confused about was the fact that feminine thought were in my head and I did not even know what that was. It took me years to find out and funny that all the research I did finally got me an answer, Now the confusion is still there. It's my birthday today and I was a woman all day. And yes we are aging. I had to pass tonight and I think I did. We went to the tilted kilt restaurant and there was a cover charge for a big fight tonight in boxing. The restaurant was packed with men. Did they look at me yes they did. The waitress called us ladies all night and men looked me over as I'm tall with long blonde hair and nice long legs. Kind of crazy to be in a full room of men in drag. If I was not in my feminine mode I would have felt very self conscious. Instead I knew I was a girl and felt comfortable. Is it it crazy... Or confused. That part is hard to explain. Oh how it would be nice to be one gender. Oh how it would. One day I will post my life but cannot do that yet. I'm still confused even after I finally figured out what I was. There still are so many questions and some of the hurt is still there.
Your friend Dana

[pamela7]

Victoria,

I've so enjoyed your presence here on the forum, yes I read and empathise. I preferred the company of girls too, always. I'm perhaps different in some ways: i have very little Adams Apple - not sure my voice ever broke properly, reckon on low testosterone always (kept my hair), was always "different", which this forum has helped me to see/understand.

At least we find our "tribe" here, xxx

[Chriscrossed]

Good one Victoria! I don't know if writing all that helped you but I certainly got some benefit. I can relate.

[Teresa]

Victoria,
I can relate to some of your story but I do have differences and yet we share one vital thing " Confusion !" Somehow finding the key that finally unlocks our brain and gives us the answers remains so elusive !
Yes we can go for counselling but they can only guide you with your thoughts, there's no magic cure ! I asked jokingly at my first session where the magic wand was !

Basically I know what makes me tick but others just don't fully understand it, talking about being part female!

[JOHANH]

Don't know if this will help, but I have some of the same angst. My biggest issue is I am a through and through redneck chewing tobacco the whole nine yards. But I love to get dressed and wear make up(recent discovery). Everything in my background from my religious to political beliefs say it's wrong and I still do it. Probably will never go out dressed but the time I have in private fulfills my needs. I can not shave as my wife likes me hairy so being able to blend would be difficult along with my 6'2" 270lb size 14 shoe build. I am coming to even out it's ok to be a man and still feel pretty and fem sometimes. Like I said don't know if this will help but wish you the best on your journey

[JeanetteX]

Oh Victoria, thank you so much for such a beautiful story. A long thread??? Hell no, just a beautiful heartfelt story that I read in one go. And without the wine...its Sunday morning here with the time difference so a cup of coffee did the trick! And I hear every word you said girl...it sounds so familiar. Thanks again for sharing this with us. I enjoyed it 100%.

[Katey888]

Very nice ramblings, Miss Demeanour - and not too bizarre really... well - perhaps the surprisingly good Turkish wine was a little bizarre (I must go find some now to try!) but I think the rest is actually all very rational - yes, in our rather convoluted way...

While you may not always think so, it seems to me like you're getting to a point of balance with this - maybe there'll always be that external conflict (how we look vs how we prefer to look) but your self-acceptance and desire to just be a "good person" speaks to me of a good dose of internal harmony, and that has to be a good place to be getting towards...

And never, ever think of your face as weather-beaten... characterful, is the type of face we mature ladies sport (and there ain't no face that can't be helped along with a good dose of primer, concealer and a well matched foundation too... ) and you must always think of yourself that way - full of so much character you just need an alternative method of expression to let ALL of you out...

Katey x

[Sarah Beth]

I see so much of me in what you wrote. From my earliest thoughts on the subject right up until now. We are nearly the same age so I know we grew up in pretty much the same era, I remember having those same feelings you had, and spending time with my girl cousins at family gatherings and learning to cook and the flower gardens I grew when I was younger. Another thing you mentioned that hit home with me was the stashing of clothes to have the clothes and it had nothing to do with sexual feelings. I had clothes stashed that I would put on just because I like having them on not because it was a sexual thrill.

Thank you for posting it is really making me think and about my past and how alone but not alone I am in all this

[Marcelle]

Hi Victoria,

I think we can all agree (and that is rare on this forum ) on one thing . . . this is very confusing to everyone who waters here irrespective of how they approach it. I had similar internal struggles as I progressed along the pathway and it was heart wrenching at times and almost felt as though two halves were locked in an internal struggle for control of who I was. Everyday I fought the good fight and tried to rationalize what was going on until I became too tired to fight. It was then that I just let it go and decided to allow things to move on auto pilot and see where it takes me. Once I just accepted and let nature take it course, I found my way to where I am now. Is it necessarily the same place you will end up? No . . . each of us is different and when you find your comfort zone you will know it and embrace it. That is all any of us can ask.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Heidi Stevens]

Victoria your ramblings show us you are trying to understand everything that has happened to you that don't seem to have clear answers. Introspective looks are good for starting down that road. Since you are still trying to figure all this out, now may be a good time to find a professional to help you towards an answer. Every one here can relate to your story (except maybe the transsexual father part) and know your journey well. A lot of us found resolution by involving a therapist or other outside professional to give us the perspective an outsider can provide. But this choice is yours to make. Until then, as Led Zepplin sang: Ramble On! You've always got a group of sympathetic ears waiting here.

[Bridget Ann Gilbert]

Hi Vicki,

Feel better now? I remember when I first started in this crazy, mixed up world of gender confusion. I kept a journal that helped me process my thoughts and feelings, so I understand the value of writing things down in a quest for clarity. Although there is a part of us that seeks intellectual understanding of who we are, I sometimes think we are better off, as Marcelle has done, going on autopilot and let our lives evolve naturally. We are certainly happy to be here, share a drink, and support you. (BTW I may have perfected the Pink Fog. I'll send you the recipe some time)

Hugs,
Bridget

[Victoria Demeanor]

Sorry, first the important things. Happy Birthday Danna, wow talking about walking into the lions den. I do hope you had a great time. Something you said stood out to me. [If I was not in my feminine mode I would have felt very self conscious. Instead I knew I was a girl and felt comfortable.] I haven’t been out many time, but I think I understand that feeling as I didn’t felt like a guy in a dress, but rather a magnification of my, for lack of a better term, inner self.
Well this place never ceases to amaze me and I hadn’t expected to have so many thoughtful replies so quickly. Honestly I sat this morning and read through them I kept swelling up and had to wipe my teary eyes, at the same time a smile would engulf my face. My emotions go hay wire. Normally I can bite my lip and shake it off, but this morning I let it go and I must truly thank you all for your thoughts and words.
Before I came here I did feel so alone, so it does really enlighten my heart to be among you all.
While I admit I need to find a good therapist there is another weird quirk in my life that puts me on edge with this. First from my early school days up to my junior year I saw a counselor, psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, you name it. Most of the time this was once or twice a week and each one tried to dissect me, purge my mind, to figure out what was wrong with this poor boy. As it turns out I have a form of dyslexia and not a mental issue. By this time of course a little late to help and I figured out my own how to learn. My next encounter with a psychiatrist was in my early 20’s when I need help dealing with my father issues. What a small minded and uneducated man that was and it all most came to physical blows. I have a very dim view of this field of study, so although I know there are good ones out there I am still leery, a little dubious and internally reluctant. I am working on it and will build my courage to find one I can trust.

[Gabby6790]

Victoria,
You have beautifully expressed how I guess a lot of us feel. The confusion most of us have IS extremely frustrating. I find that reading and sharing on this forum, research on the internet, and introspectively being open with myself in trying to understand all this have helped me to cope, grow, and understand. Posts like this have been a boon to my understand and feeling of not being completely weird.

Any time you want to ramble on and share a glass of wine I will be happy to read and share in return.

Gabby

[Robin414]

Any time you want to ramble on and share a glass of wine I will be happy to read and share in return.

Gabby

I second that Gabby, but don't forget the wine! 😊

[Samantha2015]

Victoria this is a good place to vent and get things off your chest (other than breast forms)
Being complicated is not necessarily a bad thing. I look at it like we get to try to enjoy both sides of life.
I still don't know why, and maybe never will, but I dress when I feel I just have to and try to have fun with
it. Maybe a lot of folks don't understand this obsession but there sure are a whole bunch of folks that do.
Don't beat yourself up too much. I sure wish there were forums like this back in my 20's. I had no idea there
were so many people just like me. Great to know your not the only one on this crazy journey of life.

[Allisa]

Victoria you know alcohol can never touch my lips again, and you know that you can be your "man" self and your femme self all at the same time and enjoy life two fold. Your doubts and confusion seem to be the norm here in our little community (100's of thousands?) so keep writing your thoughts out and save them for the future when feeling low read them for a good laugh I know I do with mine, wow what a change I've been through, keep a full head of steam and the bilge pumps working, still waiting to see you in the picture section, I'm sure your a looker.

[Kandi Robbins]

Vicky my dear, thanks for spilling your guts here (and the glass of wine, it was wonderful!). No one here has the answers, we all have different feelings about where we are on the gender spectrum and different life circumstances. It's tough for figure yourself out, I've tried all my life. Just know you are loved, you deserve to be happy, to be yourself. I was lucky to get out twice this weekend and I enjoyed every single moment of it. I was comfortable, I was me. I didn't pretend to fool anyone that I was a woman (we were in a public restaurant and I was in the mall today), I was just happy and engaged. But as I sit here watching football, I like this part of me too. I am me, you are you, just let be the best you you can be. Make any sense?

[Victoria Demeanor]

Thank you all for giving me a full Sunday of me tearing up, thought provoking comments and of course cyber hugs… I do love this place, I don’t feel alone here and so far it’s the only place that I can truly be myself. I think about how I interact with the world on a normal basis and I am so guarded and so cold and I feel so fake at times. Here I can open my soul and let my heart fly. I can be silly and rambling and still feel accepted. My initial intention in writing this long, soul baring rant was for the sake of the newbies and lurkers, to welcome, show they are not alone and extend my hand out in the dark. Deep down truly it was for my own validation and you my friends do not disappoint. I feel the warm embrace of our community here. I hope one day to understand my destination, but I am so glad to have you all on this path with me.
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So the bottle is done and tomorrow I go back to dealing with a bunch of college kids that think I’m just an old man and they now everything about life… so thank you all for giving me the conformation I needed today

[GeorgeA]

I don’t know if I am a man with the soul of a woman or if I’m a woman in the body of a man or if there really is a difference and at this point I don’t know if it really matters. I have lived a rich and very full life and have always tried to be a good person and that maybe all I need.


I think this is the essence of your post. You are a good person and that's all that matters. All people have both masculine and feminine traits in various proportion. Even so called "macho" guys have some feminine aspects; nobody is 100% this or that. You seem to possess 50:50% ratio (perhaps). Perhaps this is perfection? as you can relate equally to both sexes.
I think Marcelle gave you a very good advice: be yourself and let it be as it is.

I hope this makes sense to you, as I'm no psychiatrist.

Enjoy your life!

[Melissa18]

Hi Victoria,
Thank you for the ramble, your story is similar to my story,( expect the father part)
I've found this forum and its members to be my saviour, it helps me understand all this a little better
Thanks again for sharing

[Stephanie Morgan]

Hi Victoria,
As I am sure you've already seen, your "rambling" has touched and resonated with a lot of the ladies here, myself included. I read it twice and just wanted to let you know that you are very much not alone. Thank you for having the courage to post your story.