Internal thought process this morning...

[dreamer_2.0]

I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy!

But I AM a girl. No, you ARE a boy! I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy. I'm a girl. You're a boy.

Can I be a girl? NO, you are a boy! But I want to be a girl! Too bad, you are a boy!! But I'm a girl! No you're not! You're a boy!!

Why can't I just be a regular girl? Because you are a boy, a very weird boy.

It's too early for this crap. Leave me alone, brain, please!!

[steftoday]

Boy, does that sound familiar... no, wait.. Girl, does that sound familiar...no, wait!!!!

Sigh.

[CarlaWestin]

I don't post here much but, I hear ya'!
The dress, foundations, forms, make up, wig, shoes, nail polish, lighting, pose, attitude, weight, height, etc. are all perfect.
Ahgg! My arms are so long and hands so big. They look like construction cranes. And what woman has a neck so wide and short?

[Rianna Humble]

what woman has a neck so wide and short?

That would be me

[Jennifer-GWN]

Put a leash on it and haul it in.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have been there...

now that i've transitioned, replace "i'm a girl" with "i'm a real girl" sometimes i feel plagued by that thought...ie...i wish i was a REAL girl....
remember we are all different...you cannot aspire to your feelings...does that make sense... your feelings, your coping, your internal sense of self...it just is what it is...
the thoughts come to me and i just let them come and do my thing..

sometimes i meet someone(like a guy) and the thought is in my mind "i wish i was real"... i kind of live with it... i do therapy once a month and check i n... I wish these feelings didnt exist, but so far they do..

but
I'm living MY authentic life...

are you living yours?? see what i'm saying?

i notice this week you are caught up in alot of thinking... i totally get it... but you have to power through it and focus on constructive moments that will help you feel authentic... "real" or "not real"...."boy" or "girl"... doesnt really matter if you get rid of the gender dysphoria a whole world opens up for you, and even if your thoughts dont always feel good, you will be getting your gender reflected back at you and freely expressing it to others...

[I Am Paula]

I think we all have these thoughts, and days like that. When I started transition, my question was always- what if I'm not trans? What if I'm not trans enough?
Eventually these awful questions subsided. I would worry if you said you had NO second thoughts.

[Leah Lynn]

I thought you were retelling the "discussion" I had with my parents, at age four.

[Eringirl]

I hear ya. I have had several rounds of that very discussion. However, once I decided to go, they subsided and how that I am I well on my way, those "discussions" occur far less frequently and much shorter. To the point that I am mentally able to slap my self upside the head and eject those thoughts. This is what happens when you spend a lot of time "inside you head", so to speak. It usually gets better......hang in there. Remember, you are the adult in charge, so take charge!!

[becky77]

You're not going to erase all those years of being raised and living as a man overnight.
Just be yourself and let time take care of the demons.

[LeaP]

Everyone, trans or not, has times when they debate themselves within, whether out of conscience or something else. It's seldom a neverending collision of opposing emergencies, though. When it is, it can be a sign of psychosis, one reason a competent therapist will screen for disorders. The reality of the situation with a trans client or patient is complicated by the fact that many of us do have some level of dissociation. The good news is that when it is due to being cross-sexed, it can be sufficiently resolved.

After being on HRT for a while, my inner monologue subsided out of the red zone. It's not a running crisis any longer. Like you, I have a daily start-up pattern. Mine hasn't changed much in the last year. I wake feeling completely normal. I'm not a morning person, so I like to remain in bed awhile. I eventually get up and go through my normal morning routine, typically a half-hour to an hour, including coffee.

Thing is, while my thoughts are active during this period, I NEVER experience the trans monologue. I just feel normal. Then it starts, seemingly from nowhere. For a long time it began with "maybe I don't need to transition." The invariable inner response was an immediate "but I'll have to kill myself." That's changed to "maybe this is far enough, that I can maintain this." The snap response has gone away, but the question now evokes a sort of painful sadness.

But I get myself in gear eventually, move on with daily life - and the inner monologue resumes its normal form as a steady backdrop to my thoughts, punctuated by the occasional moment of anxiety or frustration. Transition. Surgeries. Timing. Family impacts. On and on and on and ...

What's different is that I no longer have two competing personas. No unconscious and uncontrollable pull back into the shell. Normal fears, but not panic. Fight (when warranted) and not flight.

Seems like the inner monologue is something we all have (or have had). It comes and goes, apparently even post-transition and post-op for some. I suppose my background monologue will continue as long as there are things to do. Maybe the residual post-transition monologue is due to the things that cannot be corrected, in addition to any psychological baggage we might carry.

[charlenesomeone]

OMG,,I thought it was just me, the value of this site never ceases to amaze me.
Thank you each and everyone.

[pamela7]

You're not going to erase all those years of being raised and living as a man overnight.
Just be yourself and let time take care of the demons.

Thank you Becky, those words help right now. I feel a woman inside, the world makes a lot more sense this way after 10 intense months of self processing, reading, researching, experimenting, refusing the challenge, hiding from it. I have chosen to live as a woman, whether i take hormones or go for more irrevocable steps remains to be seen. One step at a time.

[GabbiSophia]

well isn't that relief ... I am not the only one to tell their brain to knock it out ... sheesh .. I can totally relate

[MissDanielle]

I can relate to this as well. There are SO MANY DAYS I have to remind myself just exactly who I am. I'm meeting with a therapist on Monday but for the sake of my own sanity, I just wish I could put a label on it.

[Teresa]

Dreamer,
You missed one out, I'm part girl ! OK it's stuck in my brain and it doesn't matter if it's in the male part or the female part, it doesn't stop going round and turning us upside down with unexplained demands.
My wife complained that I was touchy this morning, I couldn't tell her that I was fighting the overwhelming urge to shop to satisfy Teresa !
I'm a boy I don't need a strapless bra and control panties but the girl is saying that dress won't work without them if you want to go out in it !
That voice keeps saying you'll look stunning if you get it right ! BUT I'M A BOY, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK STUNNING !!!!
OH YES YOU DO !!!!

[Rianna Humble]

Teresa, the difference is that Dreamer isn't part anything, she is a girl, but sometimes has a struggle to accept that fact because of the baggage of growing up as the wrong gender.

[dreamer_2.0]

Put a leash on it and haul it in.

Easier said than done, though I recognize this as an excuse. This is a work in progress and there is a lot more progress needed. It's getting easier, slightly, to put a leash on these thoughts. There are sometimes when they're simply too much, like in the case of my OP. But then there are other cases when I look in the mirror and I see her, a fragment of her, and I greet her simply saying, "Hi Holly". It's a struggle but one that will be overcome, one day.

now that i've transitioned, replace "i'm a girl" with "i'm a real girl" sometimes i feel plagued by that thought...ie...i wish i was a REAL girl....
remember we are all different...you cannot aspire to your feelings...does that make sense... your feelings, your coping, your internal sense of self...it just is what it is...
the thoughts come to me and i just let them come and do my thing..

sometimes i meet someone(like a guy) and the thought is in my mind "i wish i was real"... i kind of live with it...

This does make sense, and thank you for sharing. Wishing I was a REAL girl is a prevalent thought as well though, you are right, we cannot aspire to our feelings. Physically, I'm a dude. There is no changing that regardless of HRT or surgeries or any emphatic assertion that I'm a woman; genetically speaking, I am and will always be a man. That's a tough pill to swallow, but it's something that just is. It's a pretty big catalyst to these internal battles of mine, and likely others. Having said that, there are many many examples of others who have overcome these battles, or have learned to simply let them be and get on with their lives.

but
I'm living MY authentic life...

are you living yours?? see what i'm saying?

No, I am not living my authentic life...not yet, that is. Each day I'm gradually moving closer with teeny tiny baby steps. My authentic life...having lived inauthentically for so long, the idea is foreign, but appealing. A lofty goal well worth fighting for, with the remaining fight I have.

i notice this week you are caught up in alot of thinking...i totally get it... but you have to power through it and focus on constructive moments that will help you feel authentic...

Thinking and overthinking are one of the worst habits I've allowed myself to have. :P I appreciate your words here and am learning I have the power to move forward and make things better. Having not been in power for so long, or under the belief I wasn't in power, like the idea of living authentically, the idea of taking control and taking responsibility is foreign. Another example of overthinking would be that I'm not even sure I want to be in power, or control. I do not want to be a powerful person, it just doesn't feel like...me. Can't quite put my finger on what's stemming this potentially destructive thought. Is it a sign of laziness? Depression? Shame and embarrassment over being trans? Maybe on a subconscious level I've given up and simply don't care enough to put myself through the struggles of growth; defeated without ever really fully trying. These are all rhetorical questions probably best discussed with my therapist. Though, of course, I welcome any input here.

"real" or "not real"...."boy" or "girl"... doesnt really matter if you get rid of the gender dysphoria a whole world opens up for you, and even if your thoughts dont always feel good, you will be getting your gender reflected back at you and freely expressing it to others...

Getting rid of the dysphoria is one of, if not the, most important goal. I believe this will happen as I move forward and the world does start reflecting my gender back to me. I've started getting a little more adventurous and androgynous with clothing while out and at work. Small things like wearing women's jeans or a sweater, but they help a fair bit.

Thank you again, Kaitlyn, for sharing your thoughts.

I think we all have these thoughts, and days like that. When I started transition, my question was always- what if I'm not trans? What if I'm not trans enough?
Eventually these awful questions subsided. I would worry if you said you had NO second thoughts.

Oh my goodness, you read my mind! Putting the "boy/girl" battle aside for a moment, this was also a huge battle. Long before I knew what Gender Dysphoria and TG/TS really was, I believed I was simply a CD'er. One year at a Pride event I attended with my now-ex girlfriend, she pointed out a trans woman. She knew about my internal struggles with gender and my male body so I think she was trying to show me, long before I was ready, that it's possible to unshackle myself from the chains of masculinity. I looked at this trans woman and thought to myself, "I wish my girl side was as strong/bad as hers". It's silly to think that now but back then the idea of me actually being trans, just like that trans woman, was laughable. Fast forward a few years, the "girl side" never went away and the depression it caused roared on. It was around this time I learned about GD and TG/TS but still didn't believe it was me. I'd tell myself I'm not TG or, if I am, then I'm not trans enough. Now here I am, a little over 16 months on HRT, and those thoughts have subsided significantly. I know I am TG, or TS more specifically, and while I still have the odd "am I trans enough?" thought, I remind myself of the myriad of confirmations that I am trans and that a full transition is the right path for me. Wow it's taken a long time to come to that conclusion.

I hear ya. I have had several rounds of that very discussion. However, once I decided to go, they subsided and how that I am I well on my way, those "discussions" occur far less frequently and much shorter. To the point that I am mentally able to slap my self upside the head and eject those thoughts. This is what happens when you spend a lot of time "inside you head", so to speak. It usually gets better......hang in there. Remember, you are the adult in charge, so take charge!!

I agree with everything except your last point, I am an adult. :P Sure, my birthday suggests I am, but my maturity level suggests otherwise at times...most times...all the times...

You're not going to erase all those years of being raised and living as a man overnight.
Just be yourself and let time take care of the demons.

Possibly the most profound comment on this thread. Thank you, Becky. You are absolutely right. Having lived as a male and conditioned as one for my entire life, it's not going to go away overnight, probably not even after several nights. But it is going away...slowly, so very slowly. There is so much truth in what you said. As for being myself, having lived as, arguably, someone else for so long, I don't really know who this "yourself" person you speak of is. But I am learning who she is, now that she's no longer locked in some crate in the closet, she's starting to live her life and discovering who she is.

well isn't that relief ... I am not the only one to tell their brain to knock it out ... sheesh .. I can totally relate

Oh heck no, you are definitely not the only one. My brain and I, despite living together for my entire life, aren't the greatest roommates and I often tell it to shut up. :P

I can relate to this as well. There are SO MANY DAYS I have to remind myself just exactly who I am. I'm meeting with a therapist on Monday but for the sake of my own sanity, I just wish I could put a label on it.

Who are you, Danielle? Who do you remind yourself that you are? I don't mean that aggressively, merely curious. Part of my struggle is that I don't know who I am. I tell myself I am a girl but my inner monologue reminds me, ever so kindly, that I am not. I am just a boy and will always be a boy. Sometimes I envy the trans women who have always asserted themselves to be women since childhood, though I'm certain even they had their own struggles too.

Glad to hear you are meeting with a therapist to try and get a handle on your own struggles. I hope it goes well and helps you.

Dreamer,
You missed one out, I'm part girl ! OK it's stuck in my brain and it doesn't matter if it's in the male part or the female part, it doesn't stop going round and turning us upside down with unexplained demands.
My wife complained that I was touchy this morning, I couldn't tell her that I was fighting the overwhelming urge to shop to satisfy Teresa !
I'm a boy I don't need a strapless bra and control panties but the girl is saying that dress won't work without them if you want to go out in it !
That voice keeps saying you'll look stunning if you get it right ! BUT I'M A BOY, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK STUNNING !!!!
OH YES YOU DO !!!!

Forgive me, I am confused by your post. I am not, and do not wish to be, part girl. I am a girl...as much as I struggle to accept and believe that. I understand the frustration of having to hold back honest thoughts, but I don't think I've ever had the overwhelming urge to shop and satisfy Holly. To me, your input seems very CD'ish. I don't mean that in a derogatory sense, it's simply something I am not. I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted your post and thank you for sharing nonetheless. But the struggle you speak of seems drastically different than the struggle my OP was describing. Having said that, a struggle is a struggle and I'm sorry to hear that you also face struggles related to your gender and feeling the need to hide it from loved ones.

**eidt** If I may add to this. My boy side has always been a curse, a source of misery I often wish never existed. Saying something like "I'M A BOY, I DON'T WANT TO LOOK STUNNING!!!" suggests, to me, that your boy side (part, as you say) still holds some importance for you; he "wants" to do something. I hold no love for my "boy part", he needs to go away. And, for the record, I believe both boys and girls can want to look stunning. I know I do. We'll see what reality says though.

Teresa, the difference is that Dreamer isn't part anything, she is a girl...

Thank you, so kindly, for saying this.

[becky77]

I don't really know who this "yourself" person you speak of is. But I am learning who she is, now that she's no longer locked in some crate in the closet, she's starting to live her life and discovering who she is.

That's part of transition, to find yourself. It's hard and I struggle to let the old barriers down and I still feel the need to contain my emotions.

Thing is the day you go full-time you have transitioned, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect . You may feel like a woman but you haven't got used to living as one, the adapting (mainly in our heads) takes time. That part is incredibly natural to me, but shaking off my male memories and feeling free to be myself has been hard.
Try compare that to how long it takes a young girl to develop into a woman.
It takes years, don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm not that far ahead of you and some days the GD is completely gone and everything feels great, other days my issues kick in and on those days I only see him in the mirror.
For over thirty years I have hated on my body and face, that kind of conditioning requires time and work to get past.

Each week I see a little improvement on my mental well being (well not currently as I think I'm a bit depressed, better depressed as a woman still).
Those days when I just hate what I see and feel all discombobulated are increasingly getting less and less all the time.

Like any mental strain eg Grief it takes time to heal.

I swear transitioning I have teetered close to a mental breakdown, yet we endure.
Always lock your sights on the light at the end of the tunnel and tell yourself it will take time to get there, but get there you will.

[Teresa]

Dreamer,
I'm OK with your comments, maybe I should have looked back on your history to get a fuller picture .
As I read your thread that internal struggle sounded much like mine, OK I nearly separated from wife to live a much fuller life as a CDer but then I'm not 100% sure exactly where I am on the road and possibly still need to find myself , that also applies to many of us . Life is full of regrets after trying to do the right thing !