How do you know if your therapist is working out OK for you?

[KayMcLaughlin]

I don't have a ton of experience with therapy... So I'm not really sure what I should be expecting. I've been seeing someone for three months now. I find myself somewhat frustrated that I am not reaching answers or conclusions during our sessions. She's not a bad person, and is working with me. But I don't feel like much progress has really been made with trying to parse through things.

Is there more *I* ought to be doing to direct therapy? Should I be a little more patient? Just looking for advice from those who've been there, thanks.

[AllieSF]

Maybe you just need to let your therapist know what you are feeling and ask her what she thinks. Sometimes we are afraid to ask after spilling our most intimate feelings, not wanting to upset the therapist, of all people. Been there, done that! Talk to her about it and see what happens. Depending on the person these things can take more time than we think, even with a very good therapist.

[KayMcLaughlin]

I think that sounds about right... I am trying to work on a list of things I want to ask/talk about. Wednesday session will be followed by meeting new PCP at the same clinic with consult about HRT. So I am also probably nervous and overthinking.

[Dana44]

Whats is really funny. My SO is a therapist. She says that she does not understand me after months of fun times out. LOL I replied that I did not understand her either. She shook her head yes and understood. She has helped me though on some important things. I'm pretty stable and know what my gender issues are. There is no way to fix it. But if you have issues perhaps finding a new therapist that address gender issues and what you have questions about.

[Zooey]

What kinds of answers and conclusions are you looking for and feeling like you're not getting?

FWIW, I very rarely find that I come to an overly definite conclusion in therapy, but I quite often find that therapy helps me arrange my thoughts on something in a way that allows me to reach one.

[KayMcLaughlin]

That's useful, Zooey, thanks.

The second paragraph helps me know what is reasonable to expect. I don't have a lot of experience with therapy, so being able to gauge what should be happening is nice.

The first question you asked made me realize I don't have a good answer for you. Which is frustrating but means it is something I need to think about. I am bad at life transitions in general. I like knowing where I am going and how I am getting there. Feeling vague about what the future has in store doesn't work well for me. I think, perhaps, I need to be thinking about concrete planning?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You need to be working on your internal thought process and the coping thoughts in your mind

You need to understand these things so you can THINK SMART and separate out constructive practical thoughts vs all the garbage that results in wasted time wasted energy wasted emotion and unnecessary anxiety and frustration.

If your therapist isn't helping you then you can bring it up. If that doesn't result in progress it's time to consider moving on

And many times I've seen people blame therapy for lack of progress and other times I've noticed people live for therapy as if their real life isn't meaningful to them. Avoid those traps.

[STACY B]

In my Opinion Therapy is just an outlet to let you finally talk to someone that has heard it all before and there for Help you Accept yourself. I really don't think there a cure all and know all the answers and can tell you what and who YOU are,, You have to tell them,,, And then they can tell you from past encounters with others like you what they did and what worked for them and just see if it's right for you. I am sure all therapists have different ways to access people but mine told me that basicly I was done and to go out and live a Happy Life and enjoy myself.

If I wouldn't have bared my feelings and thoughts with her she could have never helped me,, Accepting yourself in all of this is the Key,, All the rest is childs play,, You have to accept it and move on,, Trust me I know it's hard,, And that is the hardest thing in all of this acceptance of ones self,, Took some of us a lifetime,, Good Luck.

[Eringirl]

Hi Kay: For me, it was time. I had so much that was all entangled in my fury little brain that it took quite a while to untangle. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself....that is actually counter productive. I would suggest that you tell your therapist that you feeling like you are spinning your wheels etc and see how they go from there. I agree with the others....the solution is internal, within you. Don't expect the therapist to have all the answers, they are there to provide some structure and organization to the process. And don't be surprised if along the journey you hear that little voice say "recalculating". It is a very dynamic process. At least it was/is for me.

Good luck!

Erin

[dreamer_2.0]

I very rarely find that I come to an overly definite conclusion in therapy, but I quite often find that therapy helps me arrange my thoughts on something in a way that allows me to reach one.

I agree with Zooey here. I've had the "pleasure" of speaking with five different therapists; only one of them was a bad experience but I believe that was because I wasn't being open and honest as I was still in the closet back then. I've never really any major breakthroughs during sessions but, like Zooey, they help me organize my thoughts and allow me to come to my own conclusions.

The best therapists, in my experience, are ones who make you comfortable and not judge you. They allow you to speak freely and challenge your thoughts to help expand them and consider new things. They don't lead you anywhere or make decisions for you, they allow you to do that for yourself.

Above all they should do no harm and you should come away from them feeling good or challenged in a constructive way.

Having said all that, I think they're just an expensive friend though we all need a friend. Someone you can vent to because you've developed trust. Someome external from your life who can help you see things objectively. Someone who will be there for you and support you, for a price. The latter, however, prompts my thinking: when they compliment or support you, are they sincere or doing it because you're paying them? This is where the trust comes into play, but even with that I still take everything with a grain of salt.

[LeaP]

There are therapist and there are therapists. Even considering only competent therapists, is an unfortunate truth that there are a LOT of different therapeutic approaches (or modalities), that therapists tend to specialize in one or a few at most, and that the combination of therapist, client, issue, and modality all have to fit and work together to be effective.

Many clients understand neither the science nor the practice of therapy, which introduces a certain vagueness to the sessions from the client's point of view and, worse case, raising suspicions that it's all soft skills or BS. There's no need to leave things that way. Be as clear about your goals as you can, even if they are near term (e.g., "clarity regarding ...", "help with ..."). If you don't know how you might gauge progress against them, have a conversation about that. Ask about the modalities, why they are being employed in your case, and how the *therapist* gauges progress. Ask about the therapist's experiences with similar clients and what the range of experiences have been with their progress and outcomes. And agree together on approach.

I was happy to let my therapist drive for quite a while. She was upfront about addressing some issues before getting explicitly into gender. Except for depression, she was not explicit about those issues at that time. I asked. She declined! She also asked me to wait on gender and, after sorting out depression, her approach turned primarily to mindfulness and mindful meditation, including exercises and assignments.

My fundamental coping mechanism in life has been turning hard inward. Sensitivity to introversion to aversion to repression to suppression. Until, as I sometimes put it, I started springing leaks everywhere. Mindfulness was necessary so I could actually re-learn to experience emotion. But it was a technique, not a goal in itself. The point in the context of this thread, is that I could gauge my progress using exactly two measures: depression relief (and I don't mean from just meds), and whether and to what degree gender remained as an issue as we worked through the issues with which I presented.

Your issues, therefore your measures and path itself, will be yours. Don't be afraid of opening up the topic with your therapist.

[Amanda M]

I'm a therapist. My wife is a therapist, and I am with Zooey