Gender Identity

[cdrachael]

Hi all,

I have been struggling for a while about gender identity. I feel that although I work in a male dominated environment I like to come home and 'dress' in women's clothes. I don't really think of them as women's clothes but more just my clothes.
I have a wardrobe that if someone looked in it would think two people lived at my house as I have as many female clothing as male clothing.

I have been looking on the internet about gender identity and I guess labels as such to try to find where I fit in, in life. The best I can find is genderqueer as sometimes I feel feminine and sometimes I feel male. But I know one thing and that is once I finish work I prefer female clothing at home and honestly just too scared to go out in public with female clothing outer wear.

comments, suggestions and advice appreciated.

[flatlander_48]

cdr:

Figuring out where you slot in regarding the spectrum of various identities is not necessarily a prerequisite for what you might do next. If you want to go out dressed, as many of us do, strategize on how to do that with a minimum amount of fuss. This could mean such things as finding a transformation service, finding a group of other like-minded folks who meet periodically, etc.

However, remember this. You won't be the first guy to go out dressed and you won't be the last. But, you could be the next!

Good Luck!

DeeAnn

[CarlaWestin]

One question, Rachael. Why do you have the stress of having to define yourself as something? Long ago, I figured out that I was just me. Anatomically and generally male. Psychologically predominately male. Human with a passion for all things female. So much so that I frequently emulate the appearance and aura of experiencing a feminine existence. Gender fluid and not any specific position although, male works pretty good for daily activity.

[MichelleDevon]

Carla - couldn't agree more - you might have defined me.

Rachael, don't worry about a label - you are you. You know who you are and if, sometimes, you decide to be Rachael rather than the man you usually are well that is fine and dandy...

People will draw their own conclusions about you regardless of what label you have decided on. You will find many people who are happy to treat you as Rachael as a woman, others who are not. Take it as it comes and enjoy - it is not worth the angst of trying to compartmentalise yourself - leave that to the rest of the world while you are out enjoying being Rachael.

Michelle
xxx

[AletaHawk]

Rachael, don't worry about a label - you are you. You know who you are and if, sometimes, you decide to be Rachael rather than the man you usually are well that is fine and dandy...

People will draw their own conclusions about you regardless of what label you have decided on.

Exactly this. I've struggled with the same problem, Rachel. After my research, I've self-identified as gender fluid. That may not be the right fit for you though. Just don't obsess over it like I did. It will drive you crazy.

[Katya@]

Carla basically said it all right when it comes to my own situation. I identify myself as a man who feels just myself in women clothes when I get back home from office. However, as much as I enjoy skirts, dresses, etc, I also feel myself as much when I dress in pants and shirts in the office.

[Karen RHT]

I'll respectfully suggest you forget the "labels," do what you feel is right for you, and enjoy. This coming from someone who considers them "my clothes" as well.


Karen

[Beverley Sims]

Rachel,
You may stay confused for a while, don't try to fix the problem straight away, after time you will work it out and accept your position in life.

Just don't stress out.

[carrie001]

I really don't want to disagree with anyone here, but personally, I felt SO much better about myself after learning about being genderfluid. (or bi-gendered or gender queer. whatever you want to call it) I agree that we shouldn't get hung up on the labels, but learning that it's ok that my gender slides back and forth on the scale, rather than being static really helped my confidence/self worth/ability to love myself.

[MissDanielle]

You are who you are and if that's a straight male who loves feeling so feminine, just embrace it and accept it. I let the pink fog control me so much last week that I seriously considered transitioning. A therapist may help with being somebody to talk with.

[TxCassie]

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Fret Not!... You are completing fine. For many of us, our dressing is a physical manifestation of something deeper and that's perfectly normal and OK! Better you have an outlet to express your inner-self than oppressing your nature and fall down the spiral of depression. I can relate to your concern on what all of this means. I too, went a bit crazy with anxiety, fearing that I was losing my manhood, was I even a man! Talking it out with a therapist sensitive to gender issues helped me tremendously. Yes, it's true, I was never the same again. I was dressing, I liked it, I found a connection, It felt right to dress. I felt like me. My therapist didn't get me to see this revelation, he allowed me to see it, he made it safe for me to see, the true me. Yes, I am gender fluid, I am not the man I desperately had tried to be, and that's OK! Being feminine is OK! Take a breath, the world will not end, and look at yourself. Recognize the true you and then look around, and you will see, nothing really changed, not even you. For you've always been like this, you just didn't know it. Take it slow, but take it.

Cassie

[Krisi]

Liking to dress in women's clothes makes you a crossdresser, nothing more. It may be fashionable to call yourself "gender queer", and you can do so if it makes you feel better. Since you have never been a woman, you really don't know how it feels to "feel feminine".

If you have been struggling with gender identity, you may want to get some professional help. Someone who can sort out and answer your questions.

[Sallee]

find a support group It was the best thing I ever did. At least Iaccept myself and others lke me. YOu are not alone find some friends Maybe first on line and then in person they are out there

[Saikotsu]

I'm surprised people haven't gotten up in arms about labels yet. This is promising.

Anyway, it's okay to be confused about this. I know I was for quite some time. In the end I settled on Gender Fluid because it felt right to me and the gender counselor.

However, you should ask yourself the following question: do I wear feminine clothes because I feel I AM a woman, or do I wear feminine clothes so I can feel like a woman?

If you feel you are a woman on occasion and wear women's clothes to match, then you might be Genderqueer. If you get home and you want to wear women's clothing to feel more like a woman, but still think of yourself as a guy, you're probably a crossdresser.

However, despite all this, I think you should look into a gender identity center. They have resources there that can help you sort this stuff out. Researching online and talking with us are good first steps, but what you find on the internet should be taken with a grain of salt.

I'm not saying you should ignore what we're saying. I'm just saying that we're not as qualified as someone who's a certified professional. Ultimately though, its up to you to figure out who you are, and what labels you'll wear.

[ChristinaK]

Seems to me that if you're comfortable dressing at home and don't want to be identified as a woman by others, it doesn't matter what you are. Would it change you to have a label? Be happy with who you are and enjoy dressing up without guilt or bothering yourself about what you are. I recommend getting the courage to out though, if you have any desire to. It's so much fun and really adds another dimension to feminizing. I wish I had done it so much sooner in life!

If you think you're developing into wanting to be a woman, then I highly encourage you to find a gender identity specialist. I think a regular therapist might actually do more harm than good. That's my take on it, anyway.

[docrobbysherry]

SAounds like you're ahead of me on this, Rachel. And, I've been dealing with my gender issues for nearly 20 years.

I still have no idea what "feeling like a woman", or, "feeling like a man", is like. I always just feel like ME!

[pamela7]

i don't want to court controversy or offend anyone with dysphoria so my words are simply my perspective.

Since I opened my Pandora's Box with the letters "CD" written on the lid, I've felt increasingly feminine, to the point now where I do feel feminine, while my body is male, albeit with a slight gynomastia, I wonder if i've always been low-testosterone - full head of hair, late puberty, small genitalia, long-standing mild depression.

I have been given this body - by the gods - so i'm not into changing it surgically or hormonally, though I have thought about this, oh i'd love real boobs, and i could lose my testes no problems, but i dont want to swap the penis for a vagina, i'd love to never have to shave again, i'd go for facial electrolysis if i could.

As a male I had to pose and pretend. Those times are over. Now, i'm dressing as i want, and if it costs business, well its their loss more than mine. If I do go out andro/light male, it is out of consideration for the emotional happiness of who i am with, not because i want or need to do "male" any more. those days are done now.

[ReineD]

Here's an article from the Irish Times that I've just posted in another thread. It explains genderfluid/genderqueer/nonbinary very well. Of course anyone reading this is perfectly free to agree or disagree with what they say.

http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-s...luid-1.2418434

I think that fundamentally, it doesn't matter how you define yourself. What matters is how you choose to live and how the people in your life will perceive you based on the choices you make.

[MissDanielle]

Reine, thanks for posting that. I'm certainly going to keep that in mind when I see a gender therapist next week.

[Chriscrossed]

This info-graphic taught me a lot about how different we can be and be under a crossdressing umbrella. really like how the gender identity sliders don't force you to give up maleness when you push hard on the feminine slider, they are not mutually exclusive for some of us.

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/...Person-3.3.jpg

I've struggled to define myself as gender-fluid or gender-queer or Flexi-gendered and I'm not satisfied yet. However this info-graphic let's me know that I am allowed to change my opinion about my own gender gradually over time, or even just slide the scales to suit my mood during the day. I'm not stuck in a gender binary mode, I'm flexible. Maybe this graphic will let you be more flexible with your idea of gender and go easy on yourself. You don't have to have the ultimate answer today.

Good luck, Chris Crossed.

[Saikotsu]

The genderbread person! I love that grpahic, I've used it a few times to explain things to my friends.

[Acastina]

Liking to dress in women's clothes makes you a crossdresser, nothing more. It may be fashionable to call yourself "gender queer", and you can do so if it makes you feel better. Since you have never been a woman, you really don't know how it feels to "feel feminine".

If you have been struggling with gender identity, you may want to get some professional help. Someone who can sort out and answer your questions.

These are the kinds of absolute, unthoughtful comments we see every time the New York Times prints another article about transgender. There is much, much more implicated than being "a crossdresser, nothing more", and genderfluid is a perfectly reasonable and logical construct to describe human males whose internal sense of identity vis-a-vis our culture's gender binary is indeed fluid and not firmly rooted on one side or the other.

It's also a cop-out to blandly advise others to "get some professional help", as if that's a universal and usually effective effort. Genderfluid fits my psyche, my history, and my daily life pretty darned well, for want of another descriptive construct that's a better fit. It's unempathetic to dismiss the complexity of these feelings with hard-and-fast generalizations or simply hand the discussion off to the nearest shrink.

It's not that simple.

[Stephanie47]

Rachael said she is struggling with her sexual identity. She has solicited comments and advice. Sometimes counseling is something that should be considered if a person is struggling with any psychological issue. No? Self diagnosis is not necessarily the best way to figure things out. And, sometimes counseling is not the best solution to a perceived problem.

As to femininity or feeling womanly I really do not know how that does feel. Please explain? I know what wearing women's clothing brings me....but.. I really do not know if it is a feeling of femininity..or is it just a feeling that is different from my feeling of masculinity. And, then I'd have to make an assessment of what masculinity must feel like because I've seen way too many humans with testicles and penis who are not my definition of admirable human beings. I think you may have read too much into Krisi's comment.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rachel, I have three closets of feminine clothes and my label is just a crossdresser.

I worked in the petroleum ind. for 40yrs I never had a problem with gender ID.
I am just a manly man that loves dressing as feminine and looking as natural as I can. ......

[Jazzy Jaz]

I agree with Acastina, Saikotsu, and carrie001. I dont think anyone should fret or lose sleep over labels however they can help people to better understand themselves and to better explain themselves to others should they wish to. Although some of us identify as just crossdressers, many of us experience things very differently and are not just simply men that dress. Just like a mtf ts is a woman and definately knows what feminine or female feels like, those of us who are a mix of both also know at least to a degree what it feels like. We just also happen to know what masculine/male feels like and have the body to match that side.