My Homework Assignment

[GretchenJ]

First off, my apologies if this is not the proper location for this post, but I wanted to discuss this among the people who have practical knowledge of what am going to try to say, and I wanted to post it where lurkers could not visit

i also apologize if this goes long winded, I woke up this morning and decided to post this, looking for any feedback that anyone wanted to provide.

As some of you may or not aware, I am slightly north of 50 years of age, happily married with a child and am in the closet. As with most , I started dressing at home starting at about 8 or 10, primarily as a fetish, but over the last couple of years it has vastly expanded to the point of going out in public, attending a couple of meetup groups, etc

I do not wish to come out to my significant other about this, due to the fact that I love her dearly (I have never cheated on her if our 25 plus years of marriage, and she is also my best friend - even if the talk was to go well, it would change our relationship, which I do not want to do)

About 3 months ago, I decided to see a therapist, mostly due to my life long depression and anxiety issues, but I did the research and also sought out one who had experience in gender issues. I decided to tell her everything, including the dressing, my hesitation of not coming out, the fact that I do not despise my male self, and that I thought that my dressing was my way of coping with the stresses and depression that I have. I also suffer from very low self esteem and am introverted to people that I am new to, eventually once I get to know them I open up and confide with.

i came to therapy 3 times as Gretchen after much debate internally , especially the first time. I wanted her to see the entire picture, warts and all. She is the only one who has seen Gretchen and Gene (not my real name)

so after this period of time, she has told me the following. She believes that I am transgender and if I wanted them, she would recommend HRT without hesitation if it wasn't for the self esteem issues. She asked me a pointed question- if something happened or if condition changed and I wasn't married and had no children, would I transition at the moment, at which time I took a long and hard look at myself and was surprised that no did not come out immediately rather a non-comittal perhaps or maybe.

She has observed that when I come in as Gretchen, my demeanor is totally different, one that I honestly did not noticed. The biggest difference is that Gretchen is much more self confident, her shoulders are not slouched like I usually are, that she can get more honest answers to questions. She also determined after talking to me on non gender related issues, that I posses a female brain in how I interact, process information, and deal with my issues. I found all of this information facinated me, made me feel very good (don't know why - maybe because I felt validated and not an oddity - which I can say openly and you get what I am saying - sometimes I can't find the right words to describe my feeling but I am hoping that you on this forum get the gist.

But I am not a fool, even if my circumstances were different and I was alone and had no commitments, I truly know what I am doing. When I go out as Gretchen, I am going out to escape, to decompress, to explore - the baggage that is me is left behind and put in a corner for a couple of hours. Gretchen full time would have to deal with all that "stuff" and much much much more. So I know that transition is not a valid option for me (maybe later - Dont know), but I do know after reading your stories that it is damn hard, and I give you much respect for all of your for your courage in finding this path.

My therapist wants me to document my feelings because I am not very open, so I have decided to do this, but not in total privacy, but to a group of people who may be in the same position at some point in their life.

Thanks so much for listening!!

[Jennifer-GWN]

Gretchen;

Welcome to what appears to be the beginning of a path of discovery.

I'll contrast my before and after in summary... Before highly depressed and that grew over time. Low self esteem and confidence dispite being very successful in my career, and grumpy and crotchety angry mess most of the time.

Today happy as can be. Head high, big smile. Confidence strong and sense of self even stronger. I know who I am; and have met wh I've always needed to be. My comfort with life solid.

This came through many years of resistance and sacrifice until I couldn't do it anymore.

Find your path forward, a path that works for you. This time of discovery gets to the core of who you truly are. Yes it can be scary. Yes there will be rough patches and some with lasting impacts but in the end it is important that you find your peace. You may be surprised that all that "stuff" surprisingly gets easier as you discover you. For me that certainly was the case as much of that "stuff was actually manifested by me fighting me.

Cheers... Jennifer

[STACY B]

The pattern is plain and simple no matter how you slice it,, Transition is different for EVERYONE, No one way to do it,, Don't discount your wifes feelings. She may Love the Happy you? It's not always the gender issues that tear relationships apart, It's the dishonesty that Woman can't get over,, Not trusting them enough to confide in them. Everyone gotta start somewhere and trust me therapy is the place ,, That we can all agree on !

[Marcelle]

Hi Gretch,

I have watched your story unfold on the other side since we both arrived on this forum a month apart. As Jennifer says, you are one more step down the pathway of discovery and believe me that therapy is the best way to move forward irrespective of if you are or are not TS, need to transition or don't. It will help to bring order to chaos and put things in perspective. Now the question posed by your therapist is a standard approach to make you think . . . if you had no commitments would you transition at that moment. Don't read too much into that approach as naturally when we arrive at therapy we are confused and a question like that may not illicit a "not on your life" answer immediately especially if you are in a questioning mind. You could be TS but then again you could also just be wondering if you are TS . . . hence the delayed response.

I hear you about the difference in personality and for me it was not so much the self confidence but the happiness in being that differed. Before things came to an emotional collapse in my life, I was mean . . . very mean and not a nice person to be around. A lot of that had to do with my job and training but most was an internalized struggle which I directed outwards to those around me. My marriage almost collapsed and it had nothing to do with me being TS but more so being a mean spirited sort. Now I am happier. Don't get me wrong it is not all sunshine, lollipops and unicorns in my life and I still have moments but for the first time in my 50+ years, I feel authentic and that gives me an inner joy I have never felt. You are correct in that should you ever decide to transition some of the baggage in your life may be dealt with (i.e., GD if that is what you have) but you still take all your old baggage with you. I have issues which are integral to my psyche and transitioning did not cure them. However, transitioning did put me in a better mindset to deal with them.

My advice is to continue doing what you are doing . . . continue with your therapy and work to better understand yourself. You will know if transitioning is for you at some point because it will be the only way forward on the path and going backwards will not be an option.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Eringirl]

HI Gretchen: thanks for the posting...took courage on your part.

I am with Jenn....the same thoughts.

You are where I was 17 years ago. Did not transition because of my family (which turned out to be the only reason in hindsight). But there came a time when in order to survive I had to, regardless of the "collateral damage". The outcome?? Happier than I have ever been in my life. Much more confident. Way more connected to myself, my kids, my brother and sister, and out more with friends, etc. Success at work continues and is now more fun (if work can be fun?? ). Documenting your thoughts is a great idea. I have never been much of a "journal" writer. But I decided to use the journal section on this forum and it has been tremendouly helpful for me. Wrting things down forces your brain to articulate your thoughts and feelings and stop them from swirling around in your head and get them organized in a coherent fashion.
Best of luck on your journey.

[PretzelGirl]

Gretchen, first I want to be sure I understand your lurker comment correctly. You do know this subforum is readable without logging in? So in that context, lurkers can read it.

You are at a spot many of us came to. You have feelings and you have to decide what they really are, how strong they are, and where you go from there. Obviously, many of us in this subforum elected (Ha! Elected. It elected us.) transition. There are some here who went with a middle path in that they were able to cope at a level where they could express themselves as needed and it was a manageable level. Others realized they needed nothing additional and they were doing fine.

Take your time and work through it. Understand who you are. Whatever the right thing is to do, it will come to you even if in painful thoughts. If transition is your destiny, you will figure it out. This is not the easy time and my heart is with you.

[GretchenJ]

Jennifer, Stacy, Marcelle and Erin,

Thank you very much in taking the time out of your day and offering me out valuable insights and personal experiences, which gives me more useful data to process and much to think about.

all of you are absolutely correct, the best thing that I ever did was to do the research and find myself a therapist, and she is a definite keeper! Even though our sessions talk about my GID maybe 10-20% of the time, all my issues seem to be interconnected and tie together into a somewhat untidy package.

Hey Erin - where is the journal section on this site, I did not know that one even existed ( seems to be a common thread with me lately)

i was was very glad and was a emotional release when I wrote this yesterday, I took wme about 2 hours to mute my thoughts down and when I finally pressed submit I was already logged out, which I panicked and thought every thing I wrote was erased , which was not the case. As with you Erin I am not a journaler either.

You ladies are another valuable tool in my discovery and for this and giving me your time and thoughts is so much appreciated - thanks again.

It it also looks like if I need to get away to figure out these feelings, Ontario is the go to place (with a side trip to Mississippi !)

thanks again
G

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Thanks Sue,

i pi realized about three hours later that this was not part of the protected site area, I was going to delete the post, but decided to "screw it" lol, that I need to put down my feeling to written words and I have gotten a response from people I admire and respect dearly - and it means a ton to me, that it doesn't make me feel alone and isolated and that I have a basis of friends that "get it" (my eyes are tearing up even as I am writing this)

thank you Sue.

[Rianna Humble]

where is the journal section on this site, I did not know that one even existed ( seems to be a common thread with me lately)

I'm afraid the Journals are part of Safe Haven for Transsexual members, but even keeping some sort of journal on your own computer might help.

[Adelaide]

Hi Gretchen. Thank you for sharing your story. Your journey with the therapist resembles mine in many ways. I also had a lot of anxiety.....mostly due to the fact that my wife (and best friend) totally disagreed with my CDing...not wanting to let me be who I really am.....even making numerous threats. I did look for someone with experience in gender issues and my wife agreed with the process. Like you, I also dressed up in my 3rd meeting. At my 5th, my wife was invited to join. The therapist told her that as Adelaide, I was as confident but most importantly able to keep my cool at all times. My demeanor was different, so was my attitude. I was a much better person! She concluded by saying that I really was a beautiful woman inside & out. That was it. My wife blew up. Because of my commitments (and threats from my wife), I was never able to become who I really am afterwards. I still regret it today. Today, I really think that my life would have been very different if I had no commitments....
So I imagine that you will discuss your CDing with your wife & best friend soon. I sincerely hope that she reacts positively to it all (even if it was not the case for me)....

[Rogina B]

I sure hope you can discuss the real you with your wife soon as well...You need to peel off some shells before moving on..

[Suzanne F]

Gretchen
I hear so many similar feelings in your post. I came out to my wife and joined the forum about the same time that you joined. I started in the CD section. I am only going to share what I had to do and support any decision you make as far as telling your wife.
I had to detach from my wife. I too had found a wonderful therapist and began going dressed as Suzanne. It was the most honest I could get. My therapist and I began to look at my life and who I really was supposed to be. This had to be done without consideration for who my wife wanted me to be. I couldn't really be honest if I looked at myself through her or my commitments to her. It was soon apparent that I couldn't run anymore. I had to face who I was.

Then came all the reasons and obstacles for why I could not be me. Children, friends, church, and work. My wife would surely leave. Some of those people did leave. Fortunately not my wife and children. That could still happen but everything looks ok right now. However, I know that I had to face it with no guarantees of how anyone else would choose to show up. I suspect all of us have to face this at some point.

I found out that the world did not end when I quit fighting being me. I am convinced it is the right path. Yes it is difficult but I do not owe anyone an inauthentic life. I owe them my best attempt at a loving authentic person who is there for them. I know what you are facing feels impossible. Just make small steps and try to be honest with yourself. I wish you the best!

Suzanne

[Persephone]

Your homework "assignment" to keep a journal sounds very good. And keeping off of any media your spouse could find - paper or electronic - also sounds good.

Your therapst should be helping you see yourself more clearly and to become more comfortable with yourself yet it sounds a bit like she is "pushing" you into coming out to your wife, etc. Personally, I'd be careful. If your instincts and judgements tell you otherwise then it is not appropriate for your therapst to be encouraging things you are not comfortable with. You have to live your life, she is just a visitor in it.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[GretchenJ]

Thanks Adelaide, Rogina and Suzanne and Persephone for the insights and personal experiences. That is the key isn't it ? To attempt to find my authentic self whatever that may turn out to be. That fact that you have walked the walk makes the information that you all possess that much more valuable

Your therapst should be helping you see yourself more clearly and to become more comfortable with yourself yet it sounds a bit like she is "pushing" you into coming out to your wife, etc. Personally, I'd be careful. If your instincts and judgements tell you otherwise then it is not appropriate for your therapst to be encouraging things you are not comfortable with. You have to live your life, she is just a visitor in it.
Persephone.

Actually , she is quite the contrary, after I explained to her the reasons that I did not want to disclose, even that this was the only secret that I have kept from her ( and yes it is a whopper ) , and there is guilt and fear of being caught involved, she understood totally and has made no effort in trying to disclose. My SO is my major support system and without her, the depression, anxiety and sun sequential loneliness would ramp up to 11, and I would truly feel alone. So in that aspect, my therapist is in.agreement with me

[becky77]

You have unintentionally put yourself in a horrible position.
As you say your wife is your best friend, however you have kept from her such a huge secret.

The problem you may now have is not if she can accept this part of you, it's if she can accept you have lied to her all these years.
It's tough, your reasons for keeping it from her we all understand, but when this thing becomes more serious it can tear everything apart.

I guess the questions you need to ask yourself will be where is this all going?
You say it's unlikely you will Transition, I guess you have to try everything not to let this blow up your life.

Perhaps you can share some with your wife? Eg, tell her you are in counselling and that Gender has come to light, introduce it like a new discovery to what might be ailing you?

[LeaP]

+10, Becky.

All people have an inner life and thoughts. No problem there. However, hiding things so fundamental to your nature as well as activities like dressing and therapy are highly likely to be received as invalidating the basis of your relationship. Whether, and to what extent it recovers is another topic. Whether or not your wife is your best friend may turn out to be irrelevant.

My advice to you, and it comes out of hard, long, and soul-wrenching personal experience on this topic, is to start talking with her about your feelings ASAP. Hold nothing back, don't color things, don't make promises. If you need to, talk to your therapist about it first. When you do speak with your wife, give her time and space. She may be angry, feel betrayed, lied to, crushed ... or non-reactive, relieved, or open. But her initial reactions are unlikely to be a good indicator of what will come and are not necessarily indicative of the effect on your relationship, either - even if it's positive.

The gold standard in dealing with sex and gender issues is honesty. If it doesn't play out where you live, you're not there.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

+10 +10

you are just putting off the inevitable...

What you are posting in the OP has some striking similarities to middle age folks hitting the transsexual wall..

i'd be really really wary of too much focus on your female/GOOD personality and male/NOTGOOD personality..... as you work with your therapist you seem to be constructive and thoughtful and that will help you alot...i don't think its super constructive to spend time on your personality and physical traits when presenting...surely the confidence and well being is a wonderful thing...but i'd check that box (it feels empowering to present as Gretchen....check)
and move on to meaningful things..

....

now you are staring down the rabbit hole... what so many experience is that the process of self discovery is VERY INTENSE... and it plays out on its own terms... your true nature is now part of your daily life in your mind ..this is true whether you are a ts or a gender queer person... now that its on the table in your mind, its really on the table, and it will be heard... and it will be heard OVER the din of everyday life... and it will impact your relationships and day to day life more than it ever has...i'm sure this has been haunting you for many years...but it can easily get very intense quickly....

i know the fear and other feelings, but every moment you don't tell your wife, you are digging deeper....you are in therapy for gender identity disorder and your wife has no idea....that's a big deal.

among her many questions will be ...how long have you known this?? its one thing to tell her that its been in the back of your mind since you were born but you rejected it even to yourself...its another to say you've just sought out therapy and just started and realized you have to tell...and another to say you've been in therapy for a long time.....

i'm sorry to say its a huge risk... you are facing a turning point in your marriage and so is your wife.... you have all the info...you have all the power...she is in the dark... you have to give her the common decency to share this as soon as you are able to articulate your feelings in a constructive way... you owe it to her

[GretchenJ]

Your post puts into everything into my exact context Becky, it was like you were inside my head. If it wasn't the unknown ramp up in my GID over the past 24 months, it was just an occasional fetish behavior prior to that.

still trying to figure out what events have caused this to happen to me, but your idea of telling that gender coming to light has crossed my mind on more then one occasion

thanks to you, Lea and Kaitlyn for your valued input