First off, my apologies if this is not the proper location for this post, but I wanted to discuss this among the people who have practical knowledge of what am going to try to say, and I wanted to post it where lurkers could not visit
i also apologize if this goes long winded, I woke up this morning and decided to post this, looking for any feedback that anyone wanted to provide.
As some of you may or not aware, I am slightly north of 50 years of age, happily married with a child and am in the closet. As with most , I started dressing at home starting at about 8 or 10, primarily as a fetish, but over the last couple of years it has vastly expanded to the point of going out in public, attending a couple of meetup groups, etc
I do not wish to come out to my significant other about this, due to the fact that I love her dearly (I have never cheated on her if our 25 plus years of marriage, and she is also my best friend - even if the talk was to go well, it would change our relationship, which I do not want to do)
About 3 months ago, I decided to see a therapist, mostly due to my life long depression and anxiety issues, but I did the research and also sought out one who had experience in gender issues. I decided to tell her everything, including the dressing, my hesitation of not coming out, the fact that I do not despise my male self, and that I thought that my dressing was my way of coping with the stresses and depression that I have. I also suffer from very low self esteem and am introverted to people that I am new to, eventually once I get to know them I open up and confide with.
i came to therapy 3 times as Gretchen after much debate internally , especially the first time. I wanted her to see the entire picture, warts and all. She is the only one who has seen Gretchen and Gene (not my real name)
so after this period of time, she has told me the following. She believes that I am transgender and if I wanted them, she would recommend HRT without hesitation if it wasn't for the self esteem issues. She asked me a pointed question- if something happened or if condition changed and I wasn't married and had no children, would I transition at the moment, at which time I took a long and hard look at myself and was surprised that no did not come out immediately rather a non-comittal perhaps or maybe.
She has observed that when I come in as Gretchen, my demeanor is totally different, one that I honestly did not noticed. The biggest difference is that Gretchen is much more self confident, her shoulders are not slouched like I usually are, that she can get more honest answers to questions. She also determined after talking to me on non gender related issues, that I posses a female brain in how I interact, process information, and deal with my issues. I found all of this information facinated me, made me feel very good (don't know why - maybe because I felt validated and not an oddity - which I can say openly and you get what I am saying - sometimes I can't find the right words to describe my feeling but I am hoping that you on this forum get the gist.
But I am not a fool, even if my circumstances were different and I was alone and had no commitments, I truly know what I am doing. When I go out as Gretchen, I am going out to escape, to decompress, to explore - the baggage that is me is left behind and put in a corner for a couple of hours. Gretchen full time would have to deal with all that "stuff" and much much much more. So I know that transition is not a valid option for me (maybe later - Dont know), but I do know after reading your stories that it is damn hard, and I give you much respect for all of your for your courage in finding this path.
My therapist wants me to document my feelings because I am not very open, so I have decided to do this, but not in total privacy, but to a group of people who may be in the same position at some point in their life.
Thanks so much for listening!!