never knowing who I truly am

[stacifox13]

Hi my name is I would prefer you called me Jamie . I will explain in a different thread about that. my male side doesn't want me to write this or open up but my female side is screaming to get out. I am not just talking about just dressing but letting that whole female personality out and how I view the world. I often wondered why I spoke in plurals about myself.I did't want to admit that she existed.I only showed my male side and hid my female side. My female side want to open up and my male self stops her. sometimes I feel is though I live my life with half myself. Never knowing who I truly am if I was in male mood I would never write this but my female side is starting to gain power she is dying to get out. My male side is afraid to leave the safety zone and my female side want to leave it. I hope this makes sense to at least one other person please send feed back your sister Jamie

[SexyMarianne]

I so often feel like myself having dual personalities. Same person but one masculine and one feminine. I always struggled between the two. I come from a smaller community where the local community is very scarce. I may only came across two or three in my city in the years here. Sometimes I wish I could live places larger and having a more open community.

[Tracii G]

A lot of people here are like that so you aren't alone Staci.

Marianna you would be surprised how many in your area are just like you.

[Rachelakld]

Oooh, so been there
For me, as I got older, the female voice got louder, then when I had a significant downward shift in my job, I decided I didn't care if the girl came out to play.
So instead of the internal struggle, I go girl mode for a few hours per week, let her have control for a bit, it is so relaxing and good for my mental health.

Best of luck with your inner girl
Rachel.

[Teresa]

Jamie,
At 51 please don't leave it any longer, stop fighting it ! I left it to my sixties to openly accept it and you can't catch up on all the things you wish for then !
I have said this repeatedly that most are born with a trait and it's for life , it's not going away ! Most of us are aware of the conflict you describe , eventually it can be destructive , you will be happier being honest with yourself, accept it, try and understand. If you can do that you can start to explain it to others that matter, so they can come to terms with it and try and accept you as Jamie.
You say the female side is trying to get out, as you allow her to do it will pose further questions , am I a CDer or a gender fluid TG or do I border on TS ? None of this can be answered until you accept Jamie. It may sound like it's making life more complicated but your life is confused at the moment and it's not going to get any better.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Jamie.

I think it's important to remember that you are not two people, but one. The more you think of yourself as two, the harder it becomes for the two sides to live in the same body. Life is hard enough without civil war going on inside you.

The truth is that an important part of you was driven into hiding long ago, perhaps in early childhood, and now here you are - a grown-up - dealing with the fallout.

I think you should try to find ways of bringing your feelings together, to become more of a whole person than a person of two opposing parts. It's a better long term strategy. You might do this by underdressing, or by going to large, anonymous department stores and browsing the women's sections (you can always say you're Christmas shopping for your wife) and touching fabrics, thinking about what colours and styles you think you might enjoy wearing; you could paint your toenails, pluck your eyebrows - all things which you can do in male clothes while you get used to the idea of combining your masculine and feminine sides.

It's important that you take care of yourself, that you're sensible about how and when you begin to express your feminine side. You are right to be cautious- it's a big step to take- but you're ready, there's no doubt about that!

Please let us know how it goes. This forum is a safe haven.

Hugs, Nikki

[pamela7]

Hi Jamie, echoing what Nikki says, but also, the Native Americans called people like us "twin spirits" and accorded a special place in society. Beginning at least a time-share of which side gets to play is at least a fair beginning.

xxx

[kittie60]

Hi Jamie. Okay point blank let Jamie live. She wants to be out let her out cause if you don't it will tear you up and you don't want that to happen. It sounds like it is right now but it will get worse if you keep her bottled up. This I personally know from experience. I won't go into my life's story about here now but when I turned fifty I let my other side out and now live full time as female. Well 95% of the time. Life is much better for me now. You have to decide what you want and do it quickly before something happens to you. Sounds like you have some underlying issues your not talking about and I can respect that. I'm not saying this to be degrading in anyway but again experience is talking here. I know this is long winded but when someone is in turmoil I like to try and help. Good luck to you and let us know how it turns out

[Marcelle]

Hi Jamie,

This is a common feeling and I am sure many have experienced this on some level . . . a feeling of duality. However you are truly only one person trying to make sense of these feelings. You talk about wanting to let your female side live but your male side does not want that to happen. Again this is a common theme . . . shame and guilt . . . after all you are a guy and why would you want to dress like a woman. Sometimes self acceptance is the hardest acceptance of all and again, many (including myself) have lived that. What I don't get from your post is other than your "guy side" feeling this wrong, are their limitations to your ability to dress as a woman? Are you married? Do you live with unaccepting family or friends? If you don't have personal limitations, why not try letting Jamie out incrementally. I am not talking full on make-up, wig, breast forms, LBD and heels but, perhaps just an item of two of clothing around the house to see how it feels. You may find that once you do so the edge may be taken off and self acceptance might follow albeit slowly and sometimes slow and steady is the best way.

I can only reiterate, you are not two people. The only thing preventing you from exploring and accepting this side of you irrespective of where you land on the TG spectrum is yourself (and personal circumstances if they exist). There is no male side or female side only you and you need to determine what dressing as a woman means to you. Having said all that, if the feelings are so extreme that you are experiencing severe emotional distress then I highly recommend a professional who deals with gender identity issues to help bring order to chaos before you continue exploring. However if it is just angst or fear of the unknown, before travelling down the therapy road, why not just try taking Jamie for a little test drive around your home (if you can that is) you might find it is easier than you think to let go.

Cheers

Marcelle

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jamie, You need to work out your differences and learn to enjoy having the best of both worlds,
That's a wonderful feeling. ~~......

[MissDanielle]

Self-acceptance is the first step. I would also suggest finding a good gender therapist. I saw one this week and feel much better about where I am on the spectrum.

I repressed Danielle for way too long to the point that I couldn't really be productive enough. I've already decided that I will be Danielle pretty much full time after I move next summer aside from work and religious worship services. I don't know if I'll transition but I'm making plans to have my apartment be as girly as possible.

[Allisa]

Jamie, just joining this site you've begun to accept your femme self, your other side as you put it. I too was in that situation, to macho to let on that I could possibly be feminine in any way. But now I'm a "gender fluid" being and started to incorporate my femme self in little ways such as eating a more healthy diet and losing extra weight which sounds like nothing femme but I believe helps to begin the acceptance phase and brings body and mind together. Just how I did it but that was just me. Just an example from one who used to be similar to you.

[bicuriousnow]

I think the best of both worlds says it all

[flatlander_48]

J:

I don't think that we have different personalities. I think we have one personality, but in different situations, some traits come to the front and others slide to the rear. But, the core is always the same. We are not Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (or more accurately Ms. Hyde).

Also recognize that Change is difficult. A lot of our energies go towards making it easy for ourselves. Change requires effort and energy to deal with it. Not allowing Change is easy and safe. It's just how we Hu-Mans are...

DeeAnn

[Rachelakld]

Hi again Jamie,

Reckon those who are only one person probably have a rougher ride than those of us who are 2 people (twin spirits as the Native Americans say).
The "singles" also weren't listening to YOUR view, and were giving advise on "fixing" you (a male trait, always having to "fix" stuff even when not broken)

We don't have to "merge personalities" or have "hidden issues" or some trauma as a child.
I enjoy both mine (and yes they are quite different), and all I need is to balance both (time share) and I have a brilliant life.
If you discover you are only one person, that's fine also, as most of the girls here seem to be only one person and miss out on the fun of being dual.

Being dual has more advantages in my view.
I'm very efficient in the bush, with most weapons, can MacGyver most things, or
I can switch gender and be a medic, cook, empathetic listener, care giver etc (basically both roles to the max).
Also one personality can run background mode for the main personality (the little voice that tells the "dad" to chill about his daughters new boyfriend).
I find I can switch in micro seconds and gives me the best response to events around me (makes me look real cool)
I do not ever want to merge as a "single person" or bring my feeling together - never knowing balance, never seeing things from another point of view - no thanks, not for me.

As you age, your life experiences and your point of view changes, it took me 40 years and a life changing redundancy to accept my girl side, but before then it was natural for me to keep my "manly" vision of my future and keep my girl side hidden as my world was not ready for her.

Whatever your future, have a sense of humour and enjoy life.

[Tina_gm]

Yes, it makes lots of sense to me. I have experienced what you are feeling and sometimes still do. I am almost 3 years into accepting myself as a true crossdresser. Kinda new for most who are on here in the grand gender scheme of things. I have learned much, but still in the process of learning and accepting myself. I think that process is lifelong.

It just may be that you are dual gendered, and both genders reside within you. There are some on here who actually enjoy this aspect of themselves, and it brings them great diversity in life few people ever get to experience. There are those who prefer to be in the closet so to speak. It is their own private time, and don't want or need the rest of the world to know about it.

I am sort of one of those... dual gendered. I can't say I have a dual personality. There are times in my life where I feel more oriented toward feminine, and other times where I am more oriented toward masculine. Sometimes, like you state, it can be a power struggle. Both gender sides want control. Other times (with me) one side gives control to the other, or one side wants it more than the other.

You could look at it as components of your personality. Sometimes, one can be of an asset to the other. I don't think that automatically you need to change, or get fixed either. perhaps find inner acceptance, but not necessarily think or have a goal in mind to move your life more in the direction of the feminine. Just accept that it is there. Like any other part of life in general, we need to sacrifice at times for the greater good. Gender wise, both sides may have to sacrifice a bit for the other. The masculine will never get all of what it wants, nor will the feminine. In time, with inner peace, you may be able to find where YOUR balance is. It may be more toward the feminine, or more toward the masculine, or split down the middle 50-50.

[Tracii G]

My two spirits are very different and I prefer my female side so she has free reign most of the time.
I feel having two has given me the balance I need to live a very healthy normal life which is remarkably stress free.

[docrobbysherry]

I'm sorry, Jamie. I couldn't help chuckle at your post. Only 2 sides? Well, you're still young!

I'm 70+ and keep discovering new "sides" of me all the time. Sometimes I feel like a Rubix's Cube!

While you're waiting for your other bits to surface, I suggest taking Nikki's advice. Think of the 2 u know about and all the others that will arrive as U! In the long run? I think it helps!

[stacifox13]

Wow you your reply's where insightful, courageous and giving. I am sorry for for taking so long to get back to you no excuse for me being rude. I want to thank you for your generosity for taking time out of your busy life's to share your wisdom. I guess my main objective in my life should be is to learn is to be compassionate and giving you are truly great examples to learn from. Jamie

[missmars]

I adopted butch transwoman identity. So I never struggle from one years ago.