The Other Side of Full-Time

[Zooey]

On this forum, much has been made about the radical difference in the experience of being full-time vs. not-full-time. Having just crossed that threshold a week ago, I thought I would reflect on it a bit.

Being only a week in, I have no doubt that I've experienced barely a fraction of a fraction of what I will continue to learn as I go forward. Already though, everything is different. There is an entire universe worth of space between NEVER hiding and hiding even 0.000001% of the time. I cannot possibly communicate how substantial this is. Whether you ARE hiding or not, the option to hide is a fundamental difference in perspective.

Some things are hard...

• I am myself, but there's nobody else I can be anymore when I'm down on myself.
• Before going full-time, I never felt comfortable being called brave. I still don't, but I kinda think I deserve it (a little).
• My self-confidence has never been tested so severely
• No more just staying home on "ugly days" when the dysmorphia is bad
• No more ignoring the issues I have with my body for a day or two to make things easier for me
• Every misgendering hurts so much more, because now I can't rationalize their mistake the way I used to

Some things are so much better...

• I have never felt so free, and in such a deeply profound way.
• My friends and family have "passed the test" as it were, and I have a wonderfully rich community in which to thrive.
• I have proven to myself over and over that i can hold my head up high, even when my subconscious whispers "Quick, hide in a hole!!!"
• I can hang out with friends on weeknights again, without having to be late or leave work early to get ready
• No more handing over ID that makes me want to die
• No more censoring myself
• I got to do the purge I always wanted to, and pack up all the man clothes for donation

I've got a long way to go yet on this journey, but I wanted to write this RIGHT NOW so people know that what I'm saying here is not just the passage of time making me jaded. When people who've been there say that full-time is different, I want you to know that it really is. It really, really is. It is the letting go of everything, and it changes you and your world in deeply profound ways. Respect it, look forward to it, and know that to be sane is to be a little bit scared of it. At the end of the day though, it's life - my life - and it's much nicer over here.

full_time_is_different.jpg

[Jennifer-GWN]

Very nice perspective. To go full time I think the key is feeling ready. Ready to make that final and unabading jump. Looking back I know I was ready. However if there is a shadow of doubt or question in your mind your not (necessarily) ready.

You were clearly ready and yes the differences are both subtle and profound at the same time.

Nice to see to doing well. Keep smiling and appreciate every moment regardless of the speed bumps along the way and let there be no question of your confidence in yourself. A good life is well deserved.

Cheers... Jennifer

[I Am Paula]

I love your post.
You will probably find that now the new challenges come fast and furious, but get easier to deal with. The best part is we are doing something we have waited for, and paid for, and now we deserve every lovely moment.
Cheers.

[Badtranny]

but get easier to deal with.

tiny quibble, it never gets easier, ...we just get tougher.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Very excellent stuff...

alot of what you said resonates with me

you'll get used to it...lol

[Suzanne F]

Very well said Melissa. I have been totally full time about 3 weeks myself. It feels nice to be going through this together with everyone here. Congratulations!!!!
Suzanne

[Sara Jessica]

No more retreating to the guy if the going gets tough. And for that you are truly brave, even if only a little bit .

[Brooklyn]

Isn't that trip to Goodwill with all your old man-clothes such a great feeling? One of the hardest things for me during that part of transition was not thinking about being transgender all the time, and shifting to the idea that I'm just another woman. Relish the moment!

[dreamer_2.0]

Enlightening post. Thank tou for sharing and please continue to share more about your experiences, especially during this period.

[becky77]

It changes you, everything is real it's another world almost.

I find I am on edge and stressed still at work.

For example:
I visit a lot of building sites in my job, usually I'm the only woman on site and it can feel empowering knowing I am being me in an environment I wouldn't have thought I could have coped with previously.
It's all going well, being treated respectfully (usually get my own toilet too!).
Then someone that I have worked previously with arrives on site, a few unfortunate misgenders and I'm now looked at completely different and it can be crushing to the soul.
One minute I'm being offered tea and everything's friendly, next there is a distance and conversation is strictly professional.

That's the problem with my work, I work with a lot of people that don't know mixed in with those that do. I'm constantly on edge waiting to be outed all the time or misgendered.
I go into a meeting, introduce myself to some strangers and then wait to see at what point someone slips up and I get 'The stare'!

I don't think it gets easier, I just think your skin thickens.

I guess it depends on the type of work you do, if you are in an office environment where everyone knows and it's rare anyone new comes into the equation, then yeah that will get easier.
If you're meeting new clients and visiting different places all the time it can be a headache.

Transitioning in place is tough, those that start somewhere new or wait until retirement are fortunate to avoid some of the worst of it.

[Marcelle]

Hi Melissa,

Very well put and I think it probably resonates with many here . . . it sure does for me. The duality of full-time can be both empowering and angst causing. Empowering in that you finally get to be who you need to be, no more hiding, everyone knows and it is just you for the world to see. Angst causing for the very same reasons. I do find as things settle and people adjust it does get a bit better but as the other Melissa said . . . I think w also get a bit tougher. Congrats on crossing the threshold.

Cheers

Marcelle

[VickyMI]

Great post. Please do another post in a week or so. Curious to read how things progress.

[STACY B]

I said it once and I'll say it again,, Those who Transition in place at there current job is one of the Toughest. You gotta admit there is nothing worse than that,, All the people know you and know how to interact with you and all of a sudden it's all different. And there is No Way to gauge how people will react with religion and false beliefs of there own learned from media and general social construct and upbringing.

Geez,,, At least with doing it in your home town you can get away from it and go home, At work your stuck and are have to preform your job in the same manner. Lordy Lordy,, You and those like you have my Biggest admiration because no way I could handle it. Good Luck and keep your head up, At least we know who we are now,,lol,,,

[Eringirl]

Melissa....great post!! thanks......

[Inna]

succinctly put!

so......how deep does the rabbit hole go?! it sure isn't for the faint of heart...

[EnglishRose]

Isn't that trip to Goodwill with all your old man-clothes such a great feeling? One of the hardest things for me during that part of transition was not thinking about being transgender all the time, and shifting to the idea that I'm just another woman. Relish the moment!

Yes! Donating those things was so cathartic. And even though it's over three years since I went FT, if ever I need a quick pick-me-up I think to myself: "I transitioned. me. I did it.". Because while daunting beforehand, it truly and utterly changed my life for the better.

[Badtranny]

For example:
I visit a lot of building sites in my job, usually I'm the only woman on site and it can feel empowering knowing I am being me in an environment I wouldn't have thought I could have coped with previously.
It's all going well, being treated respectfully (usually get my own toilet too!).
Then someone that I have worked previously with arrives on site, a few unfortunate misgenders and I'm now looked at completely different and it can be crushing to the soul.
One minute I'm being offered tea and everything's friendly, next there is a distance and conversation is strictly professional.

Perfect. That is exactly how it is. I'm always ready to be outed by my past. There are just too many people in the area and industry that knew me before.

One day burly construction dudes are being cheeky and cute, the next day they meet someone who knew me before, and they're cold if not hostile the next time I see them.

Transition is a hell of a thing.

[PretzelGirl]

Some things are hard...

• I am myself, but there's nobody else I can be anymore when I'm down on myself.

I think this one is a plus. Good or bad, I am me and I deal with it as me, not what I became to keep the real me inside

• Before going full-time, I never felt comfortable being called brave. I still don't, but I kinda think I deserve it (a little).

This one is always an interesting discussion. Sometimes the need makes us want to push back on "brave" and "courage". But even then, I think there is a level of it even when need is great.

• My self-confidence has never been tested so severely
• No more just staying home on "ugly days" when the dysmorphia is bad
• No more ignoring the issues I have with my body for a day or two to make things easier for me

Amen!

• Every misgendering hurts so much more, because now I can't rationalize their mistake the way I used to

I found that once I realized that people had "muscle memory" in their brains and I could tell the difference between being absent minded and being deliberate, then I was able to give some room and I gradually lost patience as time wore on. That was me and anyone who needs to draw the line immediately is certainly entitled to make that distinction.

[Zooey]

I found that once I realized that people had "muscle memory" in their brains and I could tell the difference between being absent minded and being deliberate, then I was able to give some room and I gradually lost patience as time wore on. That was me and anyone who needs to draw the line immediately is certainly entitled to make that distinction.

Because I think this is CRITICAL, especially for those transitioning in-place, I just wanted to say that I completely agree with this and I take the same approach. I'm stronger than I've ever been, and I actually give people who are making an effort a LOT of room. I can tell that each instance hurts a bit more than it used to though. I think that fully giving up my previous identity made it that much more frustrating to process things that are in conflict with my new one.

[docrobbysherry]

Zooey, I think u and EVERYONE who changes gender midstream is either very brave or very naive.

When I suddenly began dressing I soon felt like Alice tumbling helplessly down some bizarre, fem rabbit hole. At times it felt surreal, almost like entering a different universe.

But, that was simply crossdressing. Perminently changing your gender IS entering a new universe/reality! I have the greatest sympathy and respect for all of u!

[Rogina B]

One day burly construction dudes are being cheeky and cute, the next day they meet someone who knew me before, and they're cold if not hostile the next time I see them.

Transition is a hell of a thing.

The marine world is no different. I think that "the trades" are somewhat of a boy's club where people fear being viewed as different. If one of them voices and or demonstrates inclusion after you are "outed" then that person fears rejection or something from their fellow workers. And the direct superiors may be as biased. Like Becky and you point out,jobsites are not offices and the "accepted behavior" certainly is different unfortunately. Acceptance and inclusion are a long way off in some aspects of industry.Sadly,they don't want to get it and move on.

[ErikaS]

This is a rough ride we all are on I am full time and next week I get my new documents as Erika. I now know its hard to transition while in the U.S Army (Reserves) so much support that wants to help but can't yet until the ban is lifted. Its interesting as a Federal Employee its not a big deal but the Military woh.. I find your courage and bravery a inspiration to help me through the potholes i am encountering. I do feel free and able to really be myself its being alive with my new life.

Erika

[becky77]

Perfect. That is exactly how it is. I'm always ready to be outed by my past. There are just too many people in the area and industry that knew me before.

One day burly construction dudes are being cheeky and cute, the next day they meet someone who knew me before, and they're cold if not hostile the next time I see them.

Transition is a hell of a thing.

Guys opening doors or standing aside, now they walk through me or just look at me with this strange look that is bordering on fear.

No wonder I am so bitter when non full-timers try to teach me how to suck eggs!
I don't mean it and I apologise for coming across harsh, but I have a crappy day out there, then in here I'm fed BS and the anger takes over.

I'm nearly ten months into full-time and almost 2 years into everything but full-time. It's taken it's toll, maybe it's the year two thing but I have just been recommended to see a Psychologist, bit of a break-down in speech therapy today!

Once the euphoria wore off the mental turmoil kicked in.

I'm so exhausted, where are these flipping Unicorns already??

[Inna]

there is so much to be said for stealth in remote area and new career path. I know, not doable for the sake of those who want to hold on to some semblance of comfortable existence, but without the divorce from norm, well, status quo bites harshly in the @$$.

[flatlander_48]

Some things are hard...

M:

True, but remember that the human mechanism fights change. Change involves, not unlike a GPS unit, a recalculation of everything before it. Once you cross a threshhold, like getting married, graduating and taking a real job, transitioning, etc. your perspective changes. As that new reality sets in, you begin to make sense of things all over again.

The interesting thing is that we humans actually have a great capacity for change and adaptation. We're great at making do, doing without and getting by. While we know a lot of things intellectually, the internalization takes longer.

So, you are about where you wanted to be. Perhaps it takes a bit for that reality to settle in. For what you've done so far, a MAJOR threshhold has been crossed. I suspect that the internalization will be along directly...

DeeAnn