The Other Side of Full-Time

[Badtranny]

Once the euphoria wore off the mental turmoil kicked in.

Hang in there Becky, you will continue to change. You'll become harder and less interested in how other people feel about you. I haven't even had a date in over two years, and surprisingly I'm totally okay with it.

Transition will remake you in its image and the pain will become a memory.

[PretzelGirl]

Becky, I am so sorry you are having these experiences (and Misty too). This is not how it should be and I still pray it will keep getting better. But that doesn't make it easier for you now. And you have your right to speak to your feelings here. This place is a vent and it is our support too.

I wish for you to have your unicorns!

[becky77]

Sue most of it is in my head, Transition in many ways has been a piece of cake, being a woman is almost effortless.
My problem is suffering mental anguish since my earliest memory, GD has literally tortured my soul.
I coped by shoving all the hurt and pain into a room and doing anything to avoid opening that door.
The door is now open, three decades of self hatred has conditioned me with a body dysmorphia, you know the hall of mirrors that warp your image. That's like what I see of myself, this big deformed mutant!
I know it's crazy, I know I can't really look like that but I can't banish the torment.

I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

Doesn't help that my Estrogen is at an all-time low.

Some days I'm just numb and forget what day it is.

I'm not suffering GD anymore, I'm suffering from the damage it did to me!
The stress of transitioning has just left me vulnerable I think.

[flatlander_48]

I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

Human variance. I think we have all sorts of different ways and levels of dealing with negative things in our lives (in the broadest sense). People compartmentalize in different ways and with different levels of effectiveness. Similarly, people have different thresholds of pain; both physical and mental. Some are good at dissipating and diffusing that pain and suffering; others, not so much. Some people are good at modeling the behavior they want until such time as they have internalized it. Once again, others not so much.

While transitioning is a very specific set of circumstances, it is all supported by the humanity underneath. And the thing is, you said "other people", meaning that "some" report what you said, but I assume not all. So, with that notion of human variance there are multiple outcomes. Said another way, while the world has been blessed with Mother Teresa, we have also been cursed by Jeffery Dahmer. It's just how it is; the same parts and pieces, but VERY different outcomes.

DeeAnn

[Jennifer-GWN]

I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

Becky;

For me plain and simple ... The shear sense of freedom a shedding of a old facade and emerging fresh. Something that has taken me a long time to achieve and in the process I'm very proud of who I've become in an outward facing way. Yes; no question there are many around me who obviously know of my past having played a big part but they have equally moved on. They see and understand the profound differences in me - the happiness .. The outward sense of peace and comfort. What I haven't experienced to date are the situations where new people I've met become aware of my past. But again I approach this from the point of view that I'm not trying to hide my past nor do I assume that new people meeting me are oblivious to the fact that I'm trans which might be making it easier. Sure it would be great to sweep it all under the carpet... and unrealistic. As I look back through my back fb pages I do cringe a bit from the past life posting as an example.

My rule is though... Take for who I am and treated me as I treat you. If there is any question take time to get to know me and it will be clear who I am. Those passers by who have an issue are not my concern and even in this area I've been fortunate to not have endured much in the way of negativity in my travels (but do expect the occasional situation to arrive).

Just some perspective from my side.

Obtw... Hogwash... Your all woman!!!! But I recognize our demons can haunt us deeply.

Cheers... Jennifer

[emma5410]

Becky

I have had it easier than you and Bad Tranny as I work in software development. The company I work for is mostly male but we have women in management positions and everyone in the company has been at least polite and most very supportive. The few clients I have met have also been very good although there is a certain look I sometimes get when I attend meetings and I am introduced to people.
Generally the practical side of my transition has been smooth but I have struggled with lots of psychological issues. I have had the worst few years of my life during the transition. I have thought about suicide and de-transitioning. Having SRS helped remove the last of my GD but still left me with a lot of self doubt and other issues.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the last few weeks I have stopped constantly thinking about gender and started to accept myself. At the end of the day I am not female, male or transsexual. I am just me and people can like it or lump it. I do not know what brought about the change. It was certainly nothing I consciously did, it just happened.

If I had read this a few weeks ago I would have not dreamt that it was possible to feel the way I do now.
The point I am trying to make is hang in there. It does get better. I really believe it will for you as well.

[flatlander_48]

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the last few weeks I have stopped constantly thinking about gender and started to accept myself. At the end of the day I am not female, male or transsexual. I am just me and people can like it or lump it. I do not know what brought about the change. It was certainly nothing I consciously did, it just happened.

As you working in software, consider it to be background processing.

DeeAnn

[emma5410]

I think that is exactly what it is. I believe that a lot of work goes on at a subconscious level.

[PretzelGirl]

I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

I suspect the pain felt pre-transition translates into this result. I stuffed part of me and my personality, but I didn't feel great pain, I just didn't feel right at all. So I am one of the ones on the other side quite happy. So I am sorry I can't relate, but I empathize.

I hope you are able to work through this and the feeling diminishes. You are where you need to be and happiness should be in your grasp.

Doesn't help that my Estrogen is at an all-time low.

Do you have an appointment to get this fixed? The battle is hard enough without imbalances affecting our feelings. And pardon me for even asking that, but I am not sure how reactive you health care system is.

[dreamer_2.0]

I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

This! Oh wow, Bexx you're typing my thoughts! Over the last few days a close friend and I have been discussing how dysphoria has affected, even destroyed, our lives. I feel the damage over the years has become too great and while I may be transitioning relatively young compare to many others, it may not have been soon enough. I believe things will get better...one day. Frankly, though, I say "one day" for a lot of things and struggle to even believe it will happen. Being truly happy and overcoming GD seems like an elusive fantasy from my current perspective.

[Kate T]

Becky and Dreamer

Look, I've had a pretty average day. Quite probably the worst day I've ever had in terms of feelings and feeling like I'm just butt ugly, everyone is looking at me, self conscious wish I could just crawl into a ball at home and cry for an hour or two. So I get it, I really do. BUT please believe me when I say this, you are beautiful. Both of you, everyone on this forum. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. We need to remember to look for and love ourselves, not what society thinks and has ingrained in our brain that an idealised woman (or man if there are any FTM left out there ) should be. What has happened in the past has happened, we cannot change that. We must live and love ourselves in the present and then we can face the future with our heads held high and proud of who we are.

[charlenesomeone]

Wish there was a "like button"
Awesome Kate.

[Jennifer-GWN]

image.jpg

Just some guidance and perspective.

[Zooey]

Becky, despite never having met you, I loveya. I really do. I think you and I have a lot in common, and so I want you to know that despite some positivity that I've shared here, we really do have a lot in common. Next time I am in the UK to satisfy my cravings for black pudding and proper beer, we must hang out.

Sue most of it is in my head, Transition in many ways has been a piece of cake, being a woman is almost effortless.
My problem is suffering mental anguish since my earliest memory, GD has literally tortured my soul.
I coped by shoving all the hurt and pain into a room and doing anything to avoid opening that door.
The door is now open, three decades of self hatred has conditioned me with a body dysmorphia, you know the hall of mirrors that warp your image. That's like what I see of myself, this big deformed mutant!
I know it's crazy, I know I can't really look like that but I can't banish the torment.

People with this condition experience it differently, but you should know that I dealt with it the same way, and I also have pretty punishing (but by no means debilitating) body dysmorphia. Full-time has, in fact, intensified the dysmorphia by ending my access to my formerly most-effective coping strategies - looking at myself as a "guy" in what basically amounts to the 3rd person (super not healthy). I've mentioned my "ugly days" in a super-reductionist way, and I've mentioned (in other threads) the way I've tried to force myself to get over things, but for a variety of reasons I didn't really communicate the severity. I do that with my therapist. I don't know how the severity of my dysmorphia might compare to yours, and I don't much care. Just know I hear you, loud and clear, and you are so so far from alone on this.

I worry I didn't transition soon enough and that the damage is too severe, I have been improving.
I don't understand how other people are reporting such happiness immediately after Transition, how can years of hurt trapped in the wrong gender be so easily fixed?

There has been a lot good in my transition, and I have been very fortunate. In a lot of very important ways, I am happier than I've ever been. I am also more open, exposed, vulnerable, raw, etc. to a formerly-shut closet full of demons. I can't speak for anybody else, but it's definitely not all sunshine and cupcakes over here for me. I post more about my successes because it makes me feel good to share them, and I think people need to hear positive experiences too, but I usually only bring up the dozens of little moments where I hate something about myself in aggregate, which may make them seem less significant than they are. Some days I have none, many days I have a few, and some days I have dozens if not hundreds. Here's the best way I can think to describe it...

I'm genuinely living a happy life, but there's a small sharp point, like a needle, embedded in the base of my neck. Often times I don't feel it, because I've just gotten used to the generalized dull pain that comes from the fact that it's there. Whenever I'm moving too much, or turn my head the wrong way or too quickly, I feel a very sharp, acute, stabbing pain. I've tried to get it removed, but nobody else can see it.

The stress of transitioning has just left me vulnerable I think.

So much yes. I am very fortunate to have two best friends who love me very much, and who are more than happy to just hug me while I cry for 30 minutes straight when we're supposed to be cooking and eating a nice dinner, because too many things had finally built up too much that day (aka last Sunday). I wish you the same sort of friendship, because I know that without it I'd have way more of the crying time and way less of the happy stuff in between.

[becky77]

I don't want to make it sound like my life is hell, it's not.
Transition was the right decision and I have no regrets, I can't imagine even entertaining the thought of going back to where I was.

It has been successful, there are days I don't even think these bad thoughts and just be.
I'm at a low ebb currently perhaps highlighting the importance of getting your hormones correct.

There are way more good things than bad things in my transition, but when I feel like this I write it down.
Not only is it cathartic but maybe just maybe someone else can relate and not feel they're alone, in the scheme of things my transition is a success, however it would be remiss of me to only report the good stuff, just like it is not good to only concentrate on the negatives.

It's a bumpy ride and some days you have to ride out the dips. I feel brighter today, some kind replies here and some socialising with fledgling friends on my dog walk today have helped.

Melissa, I've never eaten black pudding! What you said about body dysmorphia intensifying is interesting, we don't talk much about side affects of living a life with strong GD.
How does it differ for those that get it later in life and weren't hampered in the childhood years?

Why do some find FFS a necessity and others not?

I wonder how I will be after SRS.

[Zooey]

There are way more good things than bad things in my transition, but when I feel like this I write it down.
Not only is it cathartic but maybe just maybe someone else can relate and not feel they're alone, in the scheme of things my transition is a success, however it would be remiss of me to only report the good stuff, just like it is not good to only concentrate on the negatives.

Seriously, if I believed in this stuff, I'd say we may have been friends in a former life. I feel exactly the same way.

It's a bumpy ride and some days you have to ride out the dips. I feel brighter today, some kind replies here and some socialising with fledgling friends on my dog walk today have helped.

Isn't it funny, how much little things can help when it's in your head? After I broke down last Sunday night with friends, I woke up in the morning feeling soooo much better. I even looked better in the mirror - the exaggerations my brain so often makes were toned down a bit. It's fascinating.

What you said about body dysmorphia intensifying is interesting, we don't talk much about side affects of living a life with strong GD. How does it differ for those that get it later in life and weren't hampered in the childhood years?

I'm not sure I'd say mine intensified, but my ability to cope with it has been reduced because I can't really hide from it. Same effect in the end though. It's interesting that you bring up FFS, because I actually only started seriously considering FFS since going full-time, because of precisely this. I'm trying to be very careful about it, because I don't want to make a decision about it when I'm at the bottom of a low ebb, as you put it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sometimes it can be helpful to consider that ALL people have ALL kinds of problems..


i get trapped for a while in the exististenial crisis or the unfairness or the sometimes very brutal nature of transition

I try to think of it as something like

Hey i'm just this lady..and i have this long history getting to this point and alot of misery associated with it... that describes alot of people...

so the question is now what from here for all of us...
... the transition was so hard... now you get to live life, and enjoy all its ups and downs as yourself..

i guess i'm saying if you can do it, try to simplify it in your mind and just join the human race... after transition its just life.

i transitioned years ago and i still sometimes find this difficult to remember...

============
one thing i would say zooey is that my body issues were 1. about my face..2. about my body...
FFS hugely improved my quality of life...i had a couple minor complications but i'm glad i did it.

[Nicole Erin]

Zooey, here are some things to expect over time -

First is what you are going through as you outlined. You are in the "sink or swim" stage. Yeah insults hurt, you have a lot of "ugly" days, etc.

At some point soon you will decide, "So what if I am TS, why shouldn't I be able to (date GG's, get a legitimate job, have friends, go where you want, well except real crap places that NO ONE should be in... but yeah pick YOUR goals.)

You meet your personal goals and say, "Hey, I can do it!" Once this happens, your self confidence goes up like you cannot possibly imagine.

Once that happens, you start taking a lot more pride in your looks and from there, you will probably hear compliments almost daily about your looks. You just start to carry yourself with pride. It doesn't even matter if you are "passing" cause that is irrelevant at this point. You look good and you know it.

At this point, people just don't mess with you. they may or may not know you are TS but they are not gonna razz you about it.

All this is great and may take a couple three years, but you get there. However, a different set of problems will surface...

You tend to get "burnt out" on the whole TS thing. You don't think about it much at all. Not that you wish you were not TS but it just gets boring, becomes "normal life".
The fun you once had, the rush you used to get by wearing what you once considered "daring", that fun pretty much vanishes.
Instead of appreciating people who "accept" you, you find yourself almost demanding respect. Insults or mis-genders hurt for only a brief moment and you forget about it almost immediately after.
You start to realize your life isn't any better or worse than when you were "him".

But at least you can live your life and look pretty.