I'm overwhelmed

[Ashley in Virginia]

So I finally went to a gender therapist and somehow I'm even more stressed out. Ive spent 30 years running from myself and now I've got the opportunity to deal with it but I'm terrified.

I can't quite explain what I'm feeling other than terror. But I can't quite put to words what I'm scared of. Im so ****ing anxious right now. My nerves are shot, I don't feel like I can deal with it. I don't want to hide from this anymore, but its all I know to do.

I need to cry, but I can't. I feel so anxious that I can't breathe.

The doctor said hormones should help clear my mind, and settle down some of the anxiety I feel. But I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of the shame and embarrassment I feel because I'm not normal and people will finally know I'm not normal like them. I think in the limited interactions I have with people right now, no one would ever guess what kind of weirdo I am. But to go down the path of finding myself,I would be opening myself up to something I dont think I can handle. I can't handle my basic life, how in the world am I going to handle this on top of it.

I know I'm making things worse than what they are... But this is what I do mentally. I don't know if I'll ever break out of doing that to myself, its what I've always done. I'm boiling over right now.

[kittie60]

Hi Ashley, I was in the same situation as you. You are you no matter what. Like my doctor told me God.made you this way for a reason seek out some professional counseling.

[Shelly Preston]

Ashley,

Its hard to hide from who you are. I was once told no matter how hard you try, you can not ignore yourself.
You are not weird. How many would have expected to suddenly see Caitlyn Jenner given her history.

Try to find a local support group or a really good friend who can help you.
Have you considered that you may be more relaxed as once you know who you are it will be less to worry about.

[pamela7]

Ashley,
I'm seriously worried by your Avatar sequence and what you say here. You need help/support/care/comfort.

xxx Pamela

[xNicolex]

Firstly your not weird its completely normal to feel a little abnormal about this. excepting yourself is always hard I spent 10 years suppressing my real self and never new how to cope with it, I became so bad I suffered panic attacks I had nobody to turn to no help to deal with the weird feelings I had, yes life was dismal to say the least, I hid it from everyone around me and was miserable for a decade before I came to except that I am normal. Just like everyone on this forum we are not social rejects we are advertisements for freedom of expression there is nothing to feel shameful or embarrassed about everybody here has been in the same boat at least once. there are very few of us that except our crossdressing first time no questions asked but if you can except yourself then others will too. You are in a safe place here and you will find the support you need to handle this like I said before we're all in the same boat

[Heidi Stevens]

Ashley, give yourself credit for going to a gender therapist. You some how knew that you needed help in finding yourself. The key to feeling comfortable with yourself is yourself. Ask the therapist what cues they are using to pick up on your personality and then spend some time by yourself and review the list. Self introspection is how I concluded I was transgendered, even before I had a gender therapist confirm it.
The therapist is right in saying that HRT may and should reduce the anxiety. You must have very strong traits of being transgendered for them to suggest HRT that soon.
Bottom line is you're not alone. With that many posts, you've seen the struggles of others here, but now it's your turn to help yourself. Continue therapy and see if you can resolve the inner battle by taking it slow and resolving your emotions with what you're doing every day naturally. Peace will come if you allow yourself to accept who you are.
Now set out to find the real you and be glad of who you are! Happy journeys.

[Ineke Vashon]

Your gender therapist may be good for discussing gender issues. However, if he, or she, can't help you with your present severe anxiety (have you told your therapist about this?) then perhaps you should consider switching to a therapist who can deal with your present issue, including your choice of avatar which tends to send a worrysome message.

Ineke

[MissDanielle]

I echo what all the others have said above. You're in a safe place amongst friends. We ladies are always here to listen.

[Amber42]

Ashley, please look deep inside yourself. See that you are a beautiful and good person inside. You may not see it all the time, but believe that your goodness is there. Nobody can take that away from you. You are not weird. You are not normal either....normal is only being able to see the world from one gender's eyes. You have been given a gift. That gift is to see the world from both gender's eyes. This 'power' is not fully understood by society...but you have it!

I too am disturbed by your avatar. Truly love yourself. If the path is to come out to your loved ones, do it with the knowledge that you are a good person and anyone who truly cares about you will understand and love you.

Please take care of yourself!

[Vivian Best]

Who told you you are weird? I'm transsexual and condemned myself much of my younger years until I realized it's OK to be the way I was born. God didn’t make you or me the way we are but He knew how we were going to be and He didn't interfere with us in the womb. You are fearful and wonderfully made according to the Bible. It's OK to be who and what you are. Everyone has issues we just don't see theirs as they don't see ours either. Granted we are not mainstream in what we are and what we do, however you don't now what things are going through other peoples head either.

Please don't torture yourself. Like one other girl mentioned; for goodness sake don't be like your avatar.

[IamWren]

Ashley I think it takes a lot of courage to open up like this to us… even here in this safe space. And it is. This is a safe space for you and all of us. The mods and the way this site is built give us quite a bit of security in expressing ourselves to the degree that we feel is ok.

I’ve been enamored with your look since I joined and first saw your pics. You are really quite beautiful in a girl-next-door sort of way. But we all know… beauty doesn’t come from our physical appearance, it comes from inside. I know it sounds cheesy but it does and you my dear… I’m sure are a fine human being with all your eccentricities, quirks, funny habits and everything else that we ALL have. We all have those “things” that we believe are odd.
Those odd “things” we do though don’t make “us”, the person odd. They make us human. That’s all.

As far as wearing girl clothes (which you do REALLY well) or maybe being trans and actually being a girl in a boy body…
Ashley dear… you’re not weird. You’re limited edition.

Big hugs and love from a sister.
Sayyidah ‘Sue’

ltd edition.jpg

[Allison_CD]

Ashley,
I'm seriously worried by your Avatar sequence and what you say here. You need help/support/care/comfort.

xxx Pamela

I too am disturbed by your avatar. Your first step could be to exchange it. xx

[Amanda M]

Ashley. Dear lady, going to a therapist (and I am one!) is very scary. You are talking to a stranger, whose attitudes you do not know - about the very deepest things in your life.

It is hard to remember or to understand what your therapist said to you in your first brief encounter, and therefore, even if it did scare you, I want to encourage you to keep on.

Your anxiety?it is totally natural AND appropriate. Think of the word FEAR! That is worst case anxiety, short of terror! In fact, if you spell it out, it's like this:

F E A R - a False Anxiety Appearing Real! And that is what it is.

If you would like to talk to me, PM me. You have to understand that I cannot take you on as a client - my various affiliations forbid that sort of thing - but I can perhaps point you in the right direction to get the best help you can.

Finally. You are not weird or anything like that. You are simply a scared human being - but so, so valuable.

Big Hug,
Amanda and for information - ADHP (NC), DEH(NC), ECP, UKCP Reg.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Hi Ashley,
Full of confusion and turmoil, well yes I think I can understand and empathize with that. You weird? Okay well I’m going to go against the grain here and say….Yes, yes Ashley you are weird, but know I say that in a good way. I don’t think it is in anyway a terrible thing, but rather something that should be celebrated and embraced. Around my house we have a saying “weird works here”… I actually feel kind of sorry for those that follow the path society deems is “normal” so as not to stand out and to put all their energy into pleasing the norms and not themselves.
I believe you are higher on the TG spectrum then I, but I do have a history that gives me some good insight as to what you are going through. I can’t say that the world will get better, but my hope is that you do.
I am glad you have a therapist, but if you ever need to talk, you know a friendly ear, my door is open. I’m not sure where in VA you are, but if we’re close and you ever just want to get out and talk, just say the word.
Remember you do have friends here
Victoria D

[Ashley in Virginia]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts... I'm going to try and respond as best as I can from my cell phone...

My avatar is how I feel. I'm not going to actually set myself on fire, but truth be told, I can't stand this side of me right now. It causes me a ton of pain and aggravation that I cannot put into words at all.

I guess the concept of "weird" is subjective. I feel weird. Right now I don't see how I'm not weird. Normal people enjoy life and seem to not have these issues which shut their lives down. Right now I'm barely functioning. I go to work and come home. I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it. However when I'm dressed that's when the noise stops and I get a small amount of peace. And washing it all off and putting it all away absolutely kills me.

I hate myself. I know that many of y'all don't get that, but its how I feel. I hate life right now, and while I know I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I'm glad i went to the doctor. I know in my heart I need to deal with this problem I've been running from for 30 years. But I couldn't even bring myself to say the words crossdress or transexual yesterday. My anxiety had me freaking out for most of the visit. I could barely tell her about my normal life, let alone this side of me.

I don't know how much advice I need, I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. 90% of what I've read on this forum has been lollipops and unicorns. I often feel that I don't belong because that's not the experience I'm having with it at all. My experience is shame and self loathing followed with trying to suppress the need and the dysphoria I get from dumb shit like walking thru Target and how all of their women's items are in the front of the store.

[Teresa]

Ashley,
Please take a deep breath and think the situation isn't as bad as you imagine. Please see if you can meet the therapist without taking medication, I was faced with the same situation and was about to take antidepressants but decided not to because I didn't want to cloud my mind and give incorrect information , I'm glad I didn't because I didn't need them at all after the sessions.
I faced these gender questions in my sixties and I knew through my family commitments any life changing decisions were going to be hard.

I was totally honest with my counsellor and in the process produced my own gender diagram to work out where I thought I was, my counsellor found it very useful and agreed the I stop short of TS so I now accept that I'm TG or gender fluid. Yes accept that I am part female but not to the point where I hate my male body. As these facts became clearer I began to accept what I am and decided to try and be more open about it. The way I see it is whatever people think or say isn't going to change what is inside your brain. If you can become comfortable with that life starts to get easier, as I said I didn't need antidepressants because I only felt bad because of my own lack of acceptance .

Your therapist is there to help you, they have seen it all before so put yourself in their professional hands , be honest with them and hopefully you can work out the correct answers, try not to go in with too many assumptions, take one step at a time and take each hurdle in turn !

[MissDanielle]

Don't suppress as that will only make things worse.

[Stephanie47]

The therapist is a competent paid professional, who is there to render services. The therapist is not there to make judgements concerning your lifestyle or medical issues. Your post strongly suggests you should go to counseling.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Ashley,
Please take a deep breath and think the situation isn't as bad as you imagine. Please see if you can meet the therapist without taking medication

I'm not on medication of any sort. I've tried antidepressants, but they just made me a smiling idiot. I looked better to others, but my head was just cloudy and I couldn't think clearly. I'd rather be miserable with what I'm feeling than to feel nothing at all.

The therapist is a competent paid professional, who is there to render services. The therapist is not there to make judgements concerning your lifestyle or medical issues. Your post strongly suggests you should go to counseling.

I'm not sure, maybe my terminology isn't right... I'm using "doctor" and "therapist" in the same meaning. I'm not following what you mean by saying I need counseling. I thought I'm already getting that?...

[CindyB]

Hey sweetie! Just know you're loved and accepted by us. Let us know whatever we can do to help.

Hugs!
CindyB

[Tracii G]

We accept you as you are and we all care about you just remember that.

[PaulaQ]

My avatar is how I feel. I'm not going to actually set myself on fire, but truth be told, I can't stand this side of me right now. It causes me a ton of pain and aggravation that I cannot put into words at all.

I guess the concept of "weird" is subjective. I feel weird. Right now I don't see how I'm not weird. Normal people enjoy life and seem to not have these issues which shut their lives down. Right now I'm barely functioning. I go to work and come home. I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it. However when I'm dressed that's when the noise stops and I get a small amount of peace. And washing it all off and putting it all away absolutely kills me.

There are no "normal" people. "Normal" people have created multiple ways to destroy all human life on earth. "Normal" people are willing to ignore horrendous injustice and cruelty in order to assure relatively modest comforts for themselves. "Normal" people often live in conformity, and fear, and lack any shred of authenticity. "Normal" people do what they are supposed to do - even if it's outcome is horrific. "Normal" people buy things they don't need or really even want, drink, drug, and do many other self-destructive things to fill a hole inside of themselves caused by their lack of authenticity - they sacrifice who they really are, and what they want to do in order to fit in.

I have no desire to be a "normal" person. The only difference between you, me, and them, is that we don't have the luxury of avoiding who we really are in the same ways they do. (Most of us try, but we fail.) It's a tough break, but then again, we don't have to be like they are. We can be real.

I hate myself. I know that many of y'all don't get that, but its how I feel. I hate life right now, and while I know I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. 90% of what I've read on this forum has been lollipops and unicorns. I often feel that I don't belong because that's not the experience I'm having with it at all. My experience is shame and self loathing followed with trying to suppress the need and the dysphoria I get from dumb shit like walking thru Target and how all of their women's items are in the front of the store.

I related to everything you are saying, and more, before I started my transition. (I have lots of threads from 2013 about this.) I'd attempted suicide once, and I hated what I was. I realized, though, that my life as a man was mostly all a lie. As I've transitioned, I left that life behind, and realized that I didn't hate myself - I hated the lie I created to hide behind. As I've transitioned, I've found that I like my life now, and I love who I am. I have a richer life, a life where I've had more experiences than I've had in the 50 years prior to my transition. So all I can really tell you is to hang in there, do what you know you need to do, and know that you aren't alone, and that it does get better. Oh, and keep seeing your therapist. The hardest, and most crucial, part of transition, in my opinion, is dealing with the stuff inside of you - your emotions.

I've tried antidepressants, but they just made me a smiling idiot.

Yeah, antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications did NOTHING for me. HRT made me feel better within a couple of weeks, and after 2-3 months, I felt pretty normal. And that was weird - because I never knew what normal felt like. 2.5 years after starting transition, I feel really normal. I mean really normal. I'm just some woman, really, nothing special.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I wonder if the therapist talking about hormones at the first visit is going too fast, way too fast.

I went to several therapists for several years before I could come to terms with myself.

However, the third therapist I went to told me I was gay at our first session. She put it like this, "You're gay, you're definitely gay, but don't worry about it. It's OK to be gay." This really thru me for a loop. But, ans an engineer, I ran an experiment. If I was gay, I should be attracted to men, physically. since I went to the gym 3 to 4 times a week, I kind of looked around the locker room to see if I was physically attracted to any of the men. The thought of it just grossed me out. The only reason I stayed with this therapist for a few months was that I always went dressed after the first session, and she gave me a lot of positive affirmations.

But that aside, she just wasn't a good therapist. I told the next therapist about this gay idea after several visits, and she said I didn't show any indications of being gay, and no one could tell after 50 minutes anyhow.

You may want to seek out another therapist.

[OCCarly]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts... I'm going to try and respond as best as I can from my cell phone...

I guess the concept of "weird" is subjective. I feel weird. Right now I don't see how I'm not weird. Normal people enjoy life and seem to not have these issues which shut their lives down. Right now I'm barely functioning. I go to work and come home. I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it. However when I'm dressed that's when the noise stops and I get a small amount of peace. And washing it all off and putting it all away absolutely kills me.

I hate myself. I know that many of y'all don't get that, but its how I feel. I hate life right now, and while I know I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

I'm glad i went to the doctor. I know in my heart I need to deal with this problem I've been running from for 30 years. But I couldn't even bring myself to say the words crossdress or transexual yesterday. My anxiety had me freaking out for most of the visit. I could barely tell her about my normal life, let alone this side of me.

I don't know how much advice I need, I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. 90% of what I've read on this forum has been lollipops and unicorns. I often feel that I don't belong because that's not the experience I'm having with it at all. My experience is shame and self loathing followed with trying to suppress the need and the dysphoria I get from dumb shit like walking thru Target and how all of their women's items are in the front of the store.

No, it is not all lollipops and unicorns, at least not for me. You really need to properly address the source of your bad feelings and anxiety. We are born this way, but we are not born feeling shame and guilt about it. That crap gets loaded into our heads by our parents, our peers, and negative social interactions with strangers.

That's where all the self hatred comes from. I know it may sound trite to say forget about all of that, but at least, do not let the negative words of others control your feelings.

And most important, don't be afraid to fall in love with the girl in the mirror.

[Jamiegirl1]

Hi Ashley, I can sooo relate to you. I am 57 and married,I have been crossdressing for years and finally am trying to make an appointment with a gender therapist about how I feel. I am always thinking about being feminine,I can't walk in to any store or picking up a sales catalog without going to the women's section, when I am with my wife it is torture to not look at the women's things...she knows I dress, just not at home and wants nothing to do with it... I recently retired and have very little time to dress anymore and now I have feelings of wanting to maybe become a fulltime crossdresser, the feelings have gotten alot stronger the older I become...I get so anxious/ depressed/ angry sometimes that I am not a normal person, I love the fem side of me but am soooo scared of becoming a fulltime woman, like you said, basic life is hard enough without adding this,the thought of losing friends and family scares the hell out of me, but the fem feelings just keep getting stronger, hang in there and message me anytime, Jamie