I'm overwhelmed

[Jacqueline StGermain]

I think you need to see a different therapist.
I went to one for 2 years, I started HRT , lost my job and couldn't afford it any longer. And at my age, the effects are minimal anyway.
The comment about the hormones is suspect, they affect everyone differently, in genetic women taking hormone REPLACEMENT therapy, it's to restore their natural balance, everyone I know taking hormones to transition has pretty much had the opposite effect (possibly the dosage), made them very moody. Me included.
I'm rather new to this group, but many girls here have experience with what you're dealing with, even though your therapist is supposedly trained in gender therapy ( I'm guessing) how much and to what degree is important.
Many of the girls on this site have said they are here for you. They LIVE what you're going through,
I don't think your therapist is CD or TS?
Why be normal? You can never be what society and the media feed you as "normal", it's not weird either
Find a balance and take it from there, take some time to figure it out, see if there is a group in your area,
I was in a nationwide group called Tri-Ess, might want to see if they have a chapter near you, or can point you to one.

[Teresa]

Jamie,
I had two sessions of counselling they were both referrals from my GP, the first was to go back over the problems I had when i nearly ended my life, She wasn't a gender counsellor but was very good at getting me to open up face facts and believe in who I am. On of the important things she tried to change was don't fill your head with assumptions, your brain just tail chases because it assumes what people think. My big hurdle was whether to tell my son or not, because the fear was that if he knew would he cut me off from my grandsons. I went ahead and did it , it was like a breath of fresh air , he was OK about it and even told his wife which was a big surprise. It took a huge weight off my wife's shoulders and I felt that the total me was being accepted. My counsellor was so pleased that I'd finally broken the destructive cycle in my mind .

My second counsellor was a gender therapist, this time I needed to get to the bottom of my feelings and where I was on the gender spectrum. She worked for Relate, their main objective is to get couples back on track if possible, as usual I hit the wall with my wife refusing to attend. This time I'd thought it through and wrote everything down in an unbiased way , also I devised a gender sheet working from male to female, plotting my situation on it . I found this very useful as it became clearer that I wasn't TS but TG/gender fluid, finally I realised that this sheet wouldn't make sense unless I wrote down how my CDing started . I showed this to my counsellor, she took it away to discuss it with the rest of the group and came back with praise for the gender sheet , they hadn't seen it laid out in that way and found it very useful. She had no problems with the contents so I knew I had something valid to show my wife to compensate for her refusing to attend joint counselling.
She did eventually read the summary sheet but it was enough for her to realise how much my CDing meant to me and what my needs were, we talked calmly and I asked her could she live with my needs, if not to be fair to both of us it might be better to consider separation , initially she jumped up and grabbed a coat and said I'm off !
I took her calmly by the arms , sat her down and told this is going to do no one any good , if it's got to happen it's going to take time and some sorting out. We gradually began to accept it and things actually became easier, the penny began to drop with her as to what she could be losing , I began to feel deep hurt thinking about losing contact with my grandchildren, it also meant I would be leaving the load on her to do all the explaining to family and friends, besides I have an 86 year old mother to think about and she would have been very upset if we split up.
The outcome is I said I would stay, my wife is much happier I made it clear that I wanted time to be Teresa if I wished but no one was excluded from that if they wished. I will admit it's a compromise but that's life, nothing is perfect !

.

[carrie001]

In my opinion, the very first thing you should do is understand you're not a weirdo. As hard as it may be, please stop being so hard on yourself! We've all been in that place that makes us question if who we are is wrong, and the answer is always no.

love and hope for you!

[ClosetED]

I understand what is going through your mind, but you are seeing things based on what society has pushed as "normal" behavior for current times. In 1700's, men wore the silk stockings and had wigs. The first step is to accept that you are you and a nice person to others. How others percieve you (male or female) is their issue and you are more impacted by your expectations of what they had percieved in the past. It is easier to transition with a new group who do not share that past perception, but that is hard. And so is getting others to see the real you, the person under the clothes that don't fit their prior experience, but that will change over time. Some may be happy with leading a double life, and keeping their feminine presentation separate from the outside world that knows only the male presentation. You hate having to do this and want to keep to one presentation. First be comfortable that you are a decent person who is not harming anyone and only impacting those who are rigid in their views of what other people are allowed to do to themselves, as if they control your life. You have been on this site for over 10 years, so take advantage of this wonderful collection of accepting people to be your support while you work on slowly changing the expectations of those physically around you to what you desire them to see of you. You look so natural, it won't be hard for strangers to accept you as you wish.
I see a therapist, but mostly to deal with the stress of wife hating my part time crossdressing, which I accept as a valid part of me and I am proud of how well I can appear - and you do it better than I.
Hugs, Ellen

[S. Lisa Smith]

I hope things are getting better for you!!!!!

[Anita Lynn]

I cant say anything that hasn't already been covered.
But I will say this.
I care about you as a person, as a sister.
I have a hard enough time coming up with wrong answers let alone right ones so I can't answer questions.
But I'm a good listener.
And that's one of the things this forum is about.
It's a great form of support and I find it a little therapeutic.
Anyways, if your strong enough to put on a dress and post pics (and great ones at that) then you're strong enough to get through this.
I went through a milder form of this and therapy didn't help much with the gender issues, Being in the ARMY for most of the 80's I had to find other means of dealing with it, but I did, as will you.
I have faith in you.
I believe in you.
You are strong enough to get through this.

[Ashley in Virginia]

Thanks everyone, I figured I'd pop in for an update... And it's going to be non coherent and probably misunderstood but please let me open up without too much judgement.

I got the letter for hormones from the therapist and made an appointment with the endocrinologist for Feb 9. I am seeing the therapist again at the first of January and hopefully it goes better than the last time.

My head is swimming in thoughts that I can't quite put together. I don't know whether I should allow myself to be excited or happy about all of this. I mean, this is nuts and I don't know what's going to happen or how this will turn out. Should I be happy that I'm finally trying something?...

I'm freaking out about what all this will entail. How long can I be on hormones without anyone noticing?... Do I want people to notice?... I don't want people to notice me in my everyday life, is that because of my gender problems or because of my other social anxiety issues?... What will I say if they do?... I still can't seem to say it to myself... Maybe I'm scared to actually take responsibility for myself and deal with it?...

And what happens if it doesn't work?.... Whats my next move?... Do I have one?


I feel like whatever I'm going to do its going to be wrong. And I know that's because I'm just stuck in that line of thinking and I need to work on my depression issues, but that's how I feel right now. Inaction will keep me just like I am... Doing something to pursue this is a huge unknown and I'm making myself sick worrying over it.

I'm screwed.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I hope that you will continue to see the therapist, get started on the hormones and continue moving forward!!! I wish you peace and happiness!!

[AlleyKat]

One thing that helps me in situations like that is to honestly look at the problem, at what you can do about it before January, and what you can accomplish by worrying about it. Then each time it starts to come up do it again. Eventually your brain will get the hint and when the thought comes up it'll pass a little easier. It's not perfect, but it helps.

[debstar]

OK.. going to provide a virtual slap here.

i personally know all to well all about anxiety and depression and can tell you that if that is where your head is now you are not best placed to make good decisions as serious as hormones in the hope that it will fix you.

Unless you are leaving out a lot of details regarding your Doctor ( and I mean General Practitioner) out then I feel you should get on different meds if the ones you have been taking leave you feeling flat.

Mine make me a little flat but that is the best thing in the world compared to a persistent feeling of the ground opening up and swallowing me whole, or checking my self in to hospitals convinced I was having a heart attack, or completely having melt downs at work and risking my job and life.

Sure perhaps it will end up that these feelings are a result of gender issues, but why not be able to make informed decisions?

And have others have mentioned for the love of god please can you change your avatar, it's personalty disturbing for reasons I will not go in to here.


Debs.

[donnalee]

Of course you're scared. You are moving from what you know and have lived with for decades into the great unknown. There are many instances of people locked up for years who commit crimes when released in order to get back to what is familiar to them, no matter how oppressive.
Courage is the ability to move ahead despite your fear, not the lack of fear. Just keep in mind that the only way to resolve your dilemma is to move forward.

[Mayo]

I understand some of your fear and anxiety. I've always feared certain things and will go to great lengths to avoid them even though they're actually quite trivial - to give one example, I'll spend hours feeling horribly nauseous due to a fear that I might vomit, and yet I feel so much better after I actually do, but that objective knowledge still doesn't help me the next time it happens. I'm intellectually fine with crossdressing, being under the TG umbrella and bisexual, and I don't think I'm any weirder than most other people (just in a different way), but that doesn't prevent the emotional stress at the thought of being seen by others as unconventional in gender presentation. I've bought a few clothing items in stores but I generally avoid doing so and go mail order instead because of the shame I feel. The thought that I might want to completely transition some day truly frightens me, not because of the gender change itself but all of the social ramifications and the attendant anxiety, so I don't really think about it and have stopped for a breather at CD/genderfluid.

That said, if I ever did decide to go the whole way, I'd definitely be going for counselling, building up a support group and working on my anxiety, either with drugs or cognitive-behavioural therapy or both.

[My meds] make me a little flat but that is the best thing in the world compared to a persistent feeling of the ground opening up and swallowing me whole, or checking my self in to hospitals convinced I was having a heart attack, or completely having melt downs at work and risking my job and life.

Everybody reacts somewhat differently to medications. I took Zolofft (a SSRI) for several years at low to moderate doses and it flattened my affect as well, but that was a vast improvement compared to the depression and anxiety I was feeling otherwise. I wasn't experiencing a lot of 'highs' so having them reduced a bit didn't bother me whereas minimizing the lows helped a great deal. I've known several people who reacted terribly to Xanax. You can try several different ones for a month at a time (not all at once! ) and see which works best for you.

[Stephanie47]

I'm not sure, maybe my terminology isn't right... I'm using "doctor" and "therapist" in the same meaning. I'm not following what you mean by saying I need counseling. I thought I'm already getting that?...

I was implying you need to "continue" counseling based on how you describe yourself.

[Alisonforme]

One of the first steps to a positive mindset is to stop the negative language about yourself. You're not weird and you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed. Look at how many of us are here on this website! You are far from alone. And there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever level you are at is perfectly natural and while you may not want to share it with the world, you should accept it within yourself.

This is a great site with a lot of support, a lot of good advice, and a lot of different perspectives.

Feel at peace sister. Peace of mind counts more than anything and accepting your self for who you are is big part of that.

[AlleyKat]

Alison-
That was beautifully stated and something I think we should all hear from time to time.

[Sandra]

And have others have mentioned for the love of god please can you change your avatar, it's personalty disturbing for reasons I will not go in to here.
Debs.

Right Ashley has replied to posts about her avatar already, she has had the same avatar for as long as I can remember so lets drop the subject now please...any more posts about this matter will be deleted.


Ashley I hope things improve and please always remember we are here for you

[ReineD]

I rarely allow myself to dress because I feel like a Dumbass when I do it.

I'm really sorry you feel that way.

Do you enjoy your appearance when you are dressed? Is there anything you might change to improve it, and if so, what is it.

[PaulaQ]

Ashley, get on hormones ASAP. There is a good chance you'll see no improvement on depression social anxiety until you get on HRT, start transition. There is no guarantee this will solve all your problems. A lot of us have social anxiety post transition. You may or may not. I know this is a struggle.

You also need to make a plan for your transition.

[Ashley in Virginia]

I'm stuck waiting till Feb for my endo appointment. It's going to be a long 2 months... I'm not sure how to settle down between now and then. I do see the therapist again in January, hopefully that will help.

You are right about getting a plan together. Right now I'm spinning my tires in what ifs and maybes...

I'm really sorry you feel that way.

Do you enjoy your appearance when you are dressed? Is there anything you might change to improve it, and if so, what is it.

I don't care for my appearance much at all. I'm an ugly guy, and not much better looking woman. I do get relief, dressing is calming.... But I don't say I enjoy it, it's a compulsion. I feel like a dumbass doing it because it doesn't make sense to me at all. Maybe I don't allow myself to enjoy it?...

One of the first steps to a positive mindset is to stop the negative language about yourself. You're not weird and you shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed. Look at how many of us are here on this website! You are far from alone. And there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever level you are at is perfectly natural and while you may not want to share it with the world, you should accept it within yourself.

This is a great site with a lot of support, a lot of good advice, and a lot of different perspectives.

Feel at peace sister. Peace of mind counts more than anything and accepting your self for who you are is big part of that.

I've never accepted myself for anything positive. I don't know how to. There not much positive to say, I'm living a lie. Every day I wake up and I feel like a liar. Lying to myself about who I am, lying to the world about who I am... I've been trying forever to be someone I can't be. I'm a miserable jerk.

I know I've made the right step forward, and its a long road ahead. But right now this is how I'm feeling.

[steftoday]

Did you see my PM, Ashley?
January will be here before you know it. February right behind it.
The holidays will be here in a flash. Less than three weeks til Christmas.
Hang in there and keep talking.

[Kevyn53]

Ashley, EVERYBODY IS WIERD!!! Normal is a fiction. One of the things that I finally got is that all of the fear and nervousness is in my head. I found something called ACT, Acceptance Commitment Therapy. The book I got is "Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life." The idea is that 100% of all our anxieties are all in our heads and ACT helps get it out and accept them and find a way to move on without judgement. Ask your therapist if they know about ACT.

[HelenR2]

Ashley, get on hormones ASAP

I love it when Americans say things like this. In Britain this can take two or three years between your first Doctor's visit and actually being prescribed hormones, and medical insurance doesn't cover any transgender treatment.

[Beverley Sims]

I hope the overwhelming experience settles down and you get a sense of peace within yourself from future visits.

[IamWren]

I don't care for my appearance much at all. I'm an ugly guy, and not much better looking woman.

Holy crap are you serious? I certainly don't know what you look like as a dude but I've seen your pics when you're dressed as a girl. I hope I don't embarrass you by saying this but I think it's safe to say (and I bet many here would agree) that you make a VERY attractive woman. I mean you're like girl-next-door, Marianne-from-Gilligan's-Island, can't-put-my-finger-on-it, know-it-when-I-see-it, empirically...

really good looking when you dress. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel good.

But hey... you know, looks fade. We get old.... erm, older. But looks, that's not what's important. What's important is happiness and friendships. Know that you have friends here and who will listen.

I'm looking forward to seeing you in the new year. I'm looking forward to seeing the posts you write where you've made it to the other side. I'm looking forward to seeing you happy and I know it will happen.

[ReineD]

Ashley, you're seeing an endo for HRT.

Not sure what the procedures are in your state or even anywhere, but someone I respect in the TS section once mentioned that it's a good idea to see a gender therapist who won't automatically suggest HRT to see if it will calm down your anxiety, but who instead will first rule out any comorbitity (the simultaneous presence of other conditions, for example depression or general anxiety) before giving the OK for HRT. There are good reasons for this. One, you want any other condition to be taken care of before you begin transition (other conditions don't necessarily go away once a person transitions and can in fact complicate things) and two, taking care of other conditions might help you see a clearer picture with regard to your gender identity. If the decision to start HRT right away is putting you in a tailspin, you might want to see someone who has a more holistic approach. Listen to your gut feelings.

I don't know if you've revisited your past threads. It might be a good idea to take a few moments and track back through your timeline. You can gain some insight there too.

I'd be wary of the "you go girl" advice here. You need to follow your own path.