I have been fully out as gender fluid for 5 years. I have full permission at work (a non-profit medical clinic with a trans advocate doctor), and I have dressed more and more femme. This last Halloween, I continued stretching my femme side more, and I like it so much it made me wonder if I am more tg than gender fluid.
I have a strong connection to be gender fluid and have for most of my life. My 6-year old memories are not feeling I was in the wrong body, but of feeling sad that I had to choose. And yet it seems the more I stretch to my femme side, the more I want. I sat in this dilemma for the week after Halloween, and got a number of insights I want to share with you all.
#1 - It is important to me to have3 a label I can identify with and feel, without that I feel too amorphous, and it is harder to reach out socially. Being gender fluid was too amorphous, I need to have a felt sense of what that means for me.
#2 - I used to play with %'s. I feel 35% fem, 65% fem. But I realize that is the wrong scale. My ideal is to be 100% male and 100% female.
#3 - I realize that the reason I had a hard time fully identifying with gender fluid, is my brain identified it with being androgynous or in between genders. When I am alone or in a reclusive mood that can fit for me. But when I am social, I find Androgyny, B-O-R-I-N-G. A friend came up with the term gender dynamic - a dynamic mix of gender energy - that is me.
#4 - My desire is too switch between male and female mode freely, and come up with new combinations. However, I am not ready to do that yet, because I am not fully feeling and embodying my femme side. My masculine side I can express the way I want, my femme side still needs attention and space to express. To use an analogy, I am like a French student, who only spoke French in a class, and now wants to speak French some days and English other days, but it will never really worked because I have never been immersed in French, it will never feel natural. So I need to go to Paris for 6 months, and then once I am immersed in french as I am in English, I can switch more easily.
The result of this is yes, I feel gender fluid, and i want to immerse myself in my feminine side, and I have decided to go totally feminine from now til memorial day. this includes wearing a bra most times in public, and continuing electrolysis among other details.
I am an interesting mix of genders, I do not have much of a hard masculine side ( although I do like to growl) but I have a powerful soft masculine side. A friend of mine was talking about her desire for "divine masculine" in her partner, and I realize that is me in spades. I can lead and create.And yet I am emotional, flowy, intuitive, spiritual, can really move like a women when i dance, and I love the feminine aesthetic. I think I will dress mostly femme wherever I end up, the appearance is just too beautiful to give up.
