I took some of te advice on here and used it to tell my wife about CDing. She took it really badly. She made me throw everything away. The ultimatum was divorce. I don't know what to do. I was so happy wearing women's clothes. I thought she would be supportive. What do I do? Help...
Try talking her into going to see a counselor were the 2 of can try to talk it out.
my wife did not take it well either but she did not issue any ultimatum, go get your things back, put them in some type of storage. it will not change the outcome of a pending separation if that is where this will ultimately end up.
i think you have to backtrack and read up on what some others here had to endure.
for the meantime give her space if she needs it and try to keep things as normal as possible.
if or when she talks with you about it answer her concerns honestly, its been two years for me and i still have some concerns,
not having the best holiday weekend presently and our proclivity is always another layer to deal with,
during these times i tend to get things done from the "to do" list, finish projects about the house you may have lost interest in and finish them up, or the opposite start the ones you have been procrastinating about and get them done, keeps your mind occupied and toxic thoughts at bay, time is the great healer....
best of luck to all involved....
....Mykell
i dressed like a girl and i liked it!crossdressing...theirs an app for that
Laila, I'm sorry the big reveal did not go well. I would seek out counseling. But in the end, she may not come around, if so be prepared to either give up dressing or your marriage.
Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".
Laila,
Sorry to hear that :-( It is not an easy situation but you are unfortunately far from alone with this as many on this forum have been there too.
You dont say much about what happened, and as you are new to posting in the forum, we dont know you yet, so it is difficult to offer any specific thoughts on what to do next. The one piece of advice I can safely give you though, is this: Be very careful listening to advise from anyone here!
We are all different and we all have different circumstances to deal with. What works out for one couple may be completely wrong for another. What is acceptable to one person may be unthinkable to another.
Your wifes reaction is not uncommon at all. What you just revealed to her is a shock to many when they first hear it. Their reaction to this is based on their personal view of the world and of themselves and it can be very difficult to suddenly have to change.
If you feel like it, tell us some more about your relationship, where you are with your dressing and about what happened when you told her. Then others here will share some stories about how it went for them when they went through the same thing. You may be able to use some of those accounts to figure out what is best for you.
Hugs
Suzie
I agree wholeheartedly with Suzie. Every one is different and there is no one way. But I'm fairly certain that most wives and SOs have never said," oh good, I wanted a man that would dress etc like a woman". You have to figure out your wife's code. Is she resistant to change? Has she always doted on your " manliness" ? What was her reaction if any to Caitlyn Jenner? It could be a long process and you need to figure out how much CDing means to you. Good luck, many here have been through it.
If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss
Find a good therapist, do whatever you can to stay together, and hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Keep a small stash of money somewhere, as well as clothes. Check your bank account online daily (because if she decides to fleece you of everything, there will probably be no warning and you could be left broke with no place to live). If you haven't read the nightmare that some of us have lived through, consider this:
Wives who have felt betrayed have done terrible things to their crossdressing husbands. Suddenly locked out of our homes with the locks changed and a restraining order already put into place, bank accounts emptied, credit cards cancelled, rental cars reported stolen, friends, co-workers and family told not just about our crossdressing, but sometimes other tales of fictional abuse of her (and possibly the kids, in order to get custody), all our belongings just gone (thrown out with garbage day coinciding with the day all the rest took place), the list just can go on and on.
Be careful. And unless you are out, or prepared to soon become out, she could use that against you as well. My ex had no problem with blackmailing me for all the assets, and insisting I take on all the debt. It can get ugly real fast. I remember it too; assuming that all the good things about me could easily make up for just a little thing like wanting to wear girl clothes once in a while. Boy was I wrong, and I paid the price.
Good luck. You're going to need it.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
it will take some time, just go slow with her.
No matter how well you know your SO, and how open minded they may be, there's a chance of a full blown conniption. I'm sorry it had to happen to you. Don't give up on your marriage, and don't throw out your stuff. Work on it, she may come around. Best of luck.
Your marriage will never be the same. Sorry, it is the truth. She never will be able to look at you without picturing you in womens clothes. You should have felt her out on crossdressing issues to see her reaction and opinion on it before you dumped that on her. You can try counseling. Doubt she will go, her opinion is what it is and no counselor will change that. Do yourself a favor and take advise from this forum with a grain of salt.
Lailalaila,
I'm sorry to hear this, I wonder if you can give more information on your age and how long you've been married, and if children are involved otherwise it's difficult to give more help.
So sorry to hear this.
I'm a nice Jewish girl.
I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman.
Laila,
Can you add more color to the story? What was your relationship like before you told her? No issues? Issues? How did you tell her? What are the details of the reveal? Your details may help others and it will also help anyone here when offering advice. I think the how of the reveal is critical to the reaction.
BTW, telling your wife was the right thing to do.
Last edited by Jenniferathome; 11-29-2015 at 03:00 PM.
Laila -- Since this is your first post, I only can wish that you had used your first post to get some feedback from us, tailored to your background, before telling your wife. Unfortunately, you must have read advice given to someone else whose circumstances may or may not have been the same as yours.
I wish you the best.
Sherrie Lynn Pall
Sometimes I make sense and that frightens me.
Please don't let me be the last post on this thread
Including your own? I hear what you are trying to say, but it is a contradiction in terms.Originally Posted by karynspanties
Becky
Laila, a good portion of us have run into the situation of a rejecting spouse. First thing you need to do is get 9 more posts in so you can see the majority of the forum. There are other areas where you may find answers for you and your wife.
My wife is in the "not approving" camp as well. I waited years to tell her, big mistake. When the news did come out, she insisted on couples therapy to find answers. The therapist we chose was not up to speed on crossdressing and gave advice from a religous mind set. This may have helped my wife, but teed me off as they did not say up front they held this approach. Result was my wife was told to be ready to move out. Instead she hung in as I got gender therapy from some one who knows the ropes. So don't expect immediate results from counseling.
One thing we've done, an this may work for you and your wife, is Don't ask, don't tell (DADT). I had dresssed 25 years without my wife's knowlege, so I said if I keep Heidi completely from you, could I continue dressing? She has aggreed to this. She is aware of Heidi, but has told me several times, she doesnt want to see any evidence of her. She is expecting to see just her husband when we are together. It's working so far.
Last edited by Heidi Stevens; 11-30-2015 at 08:38 AM.
Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!
This is an absurd statement. Based on the women on this forum and the cross dressers who have come out to their wives/SOs this is not remotely the case. In fact, successes far outweigh the opposite. While this is a realistic fear that women can have PRIOR to seeing their husband dressed, it is not what happens. The objective reports here support that.
Your result, karyn, is yours alone.
That was your first mistake. Sorry to be so blunt. But for every good outcome, a dozen end badly! Cross dressing and marriage mix about as well as oil and water. And all those who advocate coming out, telling your wife, your girlfriend, your boss, your mailman, your neighbor, won't be there for you when it ends badly, except for a few kind words in the forum. You have two choices now. Give up CDing forever, and live with the stress and the ongoing frustration, and a controlling wife, who will never see you as a man again. Or get a divorce and get on with your life, and the freedom to do as you please, when you please, if you please. You only get one life. There are no back buttons, no do overs. You can either live free, or spend the rest of your life in quiet desperation, always giving in to keep peace in the home.I took some of the advice on here and used it to tell my wife about CDing.
MelanieAnne, I disagree. Where are you getting your stats?
When I came out to my wife, I thought it would be better to use the incremental approach. I told her I had a pantyhose fetish. That was OK. Pantyhose look better with shaved legs, and she was OK with that. Shaved legs in pantyhose clearly appear more like they should with a skirt and heels. In for a penny, in for a pound, so dresses and all other garments came soon after. It was all logical--until it wasn't.
While my wife did not give me an ultimatum like Laila, she did react strongly against the escalation. I used love, patience, and reason to de-escalate the situation. I spent hours and hours talking about what this meant, and didn't mean, for our future. She is a fortunately a clothes horse and loves fashion, so there was some appeal for her to share that part of her life with me, and benefit from a dramatic expansion of her wardrobe and shoe collection to match mine.
It's been three years since I came out to her. We have reached a comfortable new normal. Last week there were some awesome Black Friday week sales from Bebe and Macy's. I purchased some dresses, skirts, and blouses for both of us, and Wednesday night we had a lovely time modeling them together.
There are women/wives that can deal with this.
Laila...only you know your wife. Also, only you know how important CD is to you. Ultimatums are unhealthy in any relationship. CD won't go away. You will be miserable for the rest of your life unless you confront it--and her--with your true self. If you are the rare person that can park it forever to save your marriage, then good for you. I suggest negotiating some sort of compromise for your own mental health, and then over several years, explore more common ground.
Gretchen
Last edited by Gretchen_To_Be; 11-29-2015 at 10:47 PM.
Wow! I never expected all these responses.
A couple of answers: I did "feel her out" on this. I started wearing women's clothes around the house first. She asked, " are those women's clothes?" I said yes. It was great. I was happy, she seemed fine. I got more clothes and, that's when she freaked the hell out. I couldn't have predicted that. I'm thankful I told her before she found anything, otherwise I would have been in a change the locks situation. The "tell her before she finds out" was the piece I got from reading here.
We've talked about it. I'm not going to do CD anymore. I will buy as feminine as possible mens clothes though. That's for damn sure.
I miss it. It makes me happy. I used to wear women's clothes in secret when I was an adolescent. It turned me on and made me feel beautiful. It still does. I don't know why. This is what I can't understand. I See little wrong with it, other than the social stigma.
Thanks everyone for your support and words. I should probably talk to a therapist, but figured maybe posting on here with like minded people would help too. Or not. Who knows.
[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]
Thanks Jennifer. Some people are pretty harsh on here. Sheesh.
Details? Things were great. They're still good. This was a fallout, but we will get through it. I love my wife. I love my family. We will figure it out.
I told her in person and we talked it out. I couldn't have imagined the reaction, but I agree that it's best to have told her. I'm not going to live in secret. A marriage is a team, and I see nothing wrong with what I did. Either way, it needs to be discussed in my opinion.
This is nonsense. You can not support this statement with any fact. You can not support this statement because the facts are clearly otherwise. This forum represents a large sample of cross dressers. Read the stories, please. You are so far off base you are dangerous.
Leila. I'm sorry things didn't go well. Could you give us more details on how you broke the topic to your wife? Perhaps we could learn from this.
In retrospect, maybe you could have eased into it when she asked "are those women's clothes." If things are good, back off for now. You planted the seed, its up to her now
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Buying feminine men's clothing is a stopgap that will work for a while, maybe a very long while. But eventually there is a likelihood that as a coping mechanism it will break down and you will want the real thing.
I used that particular coping mechanism for about ten years in the 1980's. I used to get lots of feminine guy stuff at International Male in West Hollywood (anyone remember that place?) and I didn't care much if I got mistaken for gay (this was the 1980's, remember?).
I also got in lots of pool and beach time wearing small speedos and men's bikinis. As the social climate in this country shifted farther and farther to the right in the 1990's there were fewer and fewer public places where I could do that.
Eventually it got to a point where speedos in my pool at home was the extent of my femininity. Then I got skin cancer, which put me in mourning like someone had died. That was what forced me to come out to myself, and my wife, as transgender. That was when I got past the denial and realized that what I craved about the men's bikinis was the feeling of femininity.
Fortunately for me, my wife has been very understanding, and she realizes that my health is at stake here. Putting aside the shame, guilt and internal conflict resolved ten years of panic attacks and high blood pressure for me. So, no more sunbathing. But now I get to dress female from head to foot when I am at home.
I wish you luck with your situation. Hopefully things will go well for you.
Carries a spray bottle of "pink fog" around with her in her purse at all times.
Yup, wives tend to freak out when they see their husbands raise the bar without consulting them. It's hard enough to understand why a husband would want to wear women's clothes, but when it begins to ramp up, the wives have no way of knowing how far it will go.
My advice is to let her know that you love her and you are her husband, you want to continue loving her and being her husband, and you do not want to change this. Try to get her to understand that the CDing does not mean you are and want to be a woman, it does not mean that you want to attract men, and it is not because you have a kinky side that you want to keep from her (if this is the case for you).
Also, I agree with Jennifer. Ignore the people who say that all GGs will NEVER see you the same way again, will ALWAYS picture you in a dress, and will not eventually accept the CDing. If the communication is good between you and your wife, if you have no other marital issues, if she is moderate in her values (not overly socially conservative), there is a good chance that eventually she will be able to recognize that you need to dress. She may not jump up in the air with joy and it may take some years before she can feel and trust from the bottom of her heart that fundamentally your marriage is not changing (that you do want to continue being her husband and you do want her to continue being the wife in your relationship), but a fair chunk of GGs are at least able to allow for the CDing without running for the hills.
I used to tag threads about supportive and tolerating wives and so here is the tag cloud search. I stopped tagging some years ago so this is not all the threads we've had on the topic, but still there are many:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...rtive+wife%2C+
Reine
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