I'm out! What now?

[JamieJay]

I have admitted my cross dressing secret to my wife and now after several counselling sessions, she is starting to come to terms with my need to crossdress and I think our marriage is going to be stronger for it going forward.

This makes me so happy as I love her so much. Rrealising how damaging my secret was when out was surprising and so saddening - I'd been so wrapped up in trying to get the courage to get it out there, I hadn't realised how difficult it would be for her. I'm at an amazing crossroads in my life with a wife and family who can love and accept me for who I've always wanted to be, but been too afraid to admit. I am so lucky.

The challenge now is to actually start to do the thing that's really only been a dirty little secret and an occasional stolen moment over the years.

My question is to all of you that have gone through this difficult time. I feel like I'm through the worst but dressing is not easy to go through with at home, it still feels weird. I would love to chat with anyone who's a little further down the road and hear your advice on how to progress this and what to do next.

Just so you know where I'm coming from; I'm transgender but don't want to transition fully, I just want to pass as a female sometimes. So I have a lot to learn about hair, what to wear, make-up etc etc.

Any advice and kind words welcome!

Love,
Jamie XXX.

[Candice June Lee]

Hi Jamie,
I'm sure a great weight has been lifted off your shoulders. But even though you're out to your wife, don't rush her total acceptance by dressing to frequently. At least right now that is. Let her guide when you can dress or at least ask. If you do rush, your steps forward will be for not. Keep it open and discuss it regularly.

[sometimes_miss]

Hi Jamie, I'm sure a great weight has been lifted off your shoulders. But even though you're out to your wife, don't rush her total acceptance by dressing to frequently.

^this. I'm glad things are going well for you. But don't let that go to your head. Way too many of us have gone overboard after our wives initially accepted our crossdressing. As much as you want to share yourself 'as you really are', remember that she needs you to still be the guy she married much of the time. Don't force it on her. Let her come to you. maybe she'll buy you some type of girly gift, or an article of clothing. Let HER be the one to lead here, if she loves you and realizes how much this means to you, hopefully she'll come around and help you with your dressing up just like she'd help you with anything else.

[CarlaWestin]

Welcome to the world of all things possible. Keep your priorities in check and be aware of the pink fog. Remember, you are also a crossdresser.

[binair10]

Hi Jamie, I have been dressing now for over 60 years, having first started with an evening dress and panties of my mothers when I was about 12 y/o. I have no idea how it started....one day when alone I just had the urge to do what I felt that was the right thing to do.
I am now 74 y/o and it has never gone away.

My first wife was all for me dressing which I did but only at home.

However when I remarried I did not tell my wife until I retired 9 years ago. Had to go through all the usual quizzing...are you this, are you that etc. I do not want you to dress and if you do I do not want to have any part of it...full stop.

Fast forward to this year. Two months ago was our anniversary so I hatched a plan. I said to her will you dress up for me and she said yes. So I said "CAN I DRESS UP AS WELL"?. Yes she said. WOW, I thought I have made some progress at last.

After we had eaten I suggested that we go out for a walk. OK she said if we take the dog. But only to the housing estate over the road which we did. On our return, I also suggested that we go for another walk to a larger up-market housing estate about half a mile away. I will stop here, "BUT YOU CAN GO ON YOUR OWN IF YOU WANT TO", which I did for over an hour and a half. Bliss.

On my return I found her looking through some catalogues of clothing and shoes. I had a look through a few and found some knee boots and a pair of shoes that I liked. I asked her what she was buying and she said she would buy herself some tops and shoes, so I said can you get these for me. Yes she said and they are our anniversary presents to each other. I must say that shopping for clothes for that night was wonderful...and I looked much better than she did and she is younger than me.

The long and short of my tale is that she has gone back to her dislike of my dressing.

Earlier in the year I went dressed to a fancy dress party. She also said that you can dress to go to fancy dress parties. Would I try it again... yes I would.

My advice is try not to push it but take things gently. Once you start to force the issue you will be back to square one.

Best of luck Jamie.

Julie. xx.

[kinkyboots]

Almost 2 years ago i was there. Start by offering to play with her hair and nails, if she enjoys it ask for a little in return and build on that.

[Krisi]

Kandia puts it very well when she suggests not rushing things and going at your wife's pace.

I'll just add this: Don't dress like a hooker or stripper, dress similar to the way she dresses. Nothing outlandish. And - be sure to keep telling her how much you love and appreciate her.

[Jenniferathome]

Jamie, I am about 5 years past the disclosure to my wife of 20+ years. Slow is the answer. Talk before anything else and make sure she can handle anything you might want to do. If not, talk about that. If you want to dress at home, it is weird at first. For you and her. Talk about that. Conversation will go a very long ways to mitigate the shock and embarrassment.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Jamie-

I personally never went through the phase of not telling my wife. She has always known about what I do. But with that being said, I did not start off by dressing head to toe fem. For me, my gender variances were more action oriented things like, how I talk, how I hold myself, what I prefer to do..... also things like enjoying fem jewelry, painting my fingernails, and shaving my body. So those sorts of things I always have just done. Thus when she met me, she was aware of those things.

But I did not start wearing any clothing until sometime in my 20s. (I met my future wife when we were both 15!) When I did start wanting to wear clothing, it was a pretty simple thing.... I said to her "hey I think I would like to try some female underwear, what do you think about that?" She said "okay" and then I did it. Later I said "I think I would like to try wearing a bra.... what do you think about that?" I eventually worked my way up to saying.... "I want to wear a wig and do some makeup..... what do you think about that?"

If she had said "hell no!" to any of my thoughts, I don't think it would have ever changed the course of events, but it was still a way for us to be able to have a conversation about things BEFORE I did them. It also gave time for the two of us to become comfortable with everything.

Good luck. Oh and btw, you rock for telling your wife!

[Tracii G]

Good advice so far.
Just because she seems accepting right now doesn't give the green light to go all in.

[pamela7]

Hi Jamie,

I think you've had plenty of replies on going slow, which is good advice. It also sounds like you've not done much dressing, as you ask about makeup, what to wear. If I may suggest, as this sounds like a learning experience, involving your wife, taking her advice, letting her teach you, will work a treat to help normalise it between yourselves. If you save "dressing up" for rare/specialoccasions then you're also behaving like most normal ladies, and wear simply daily women's clothes the rest of the time. By involving my wife at every step my path has been a lot easier than the path of seasoned crossdresser who have kept the secret. As it stands your post suggests you've not done too much CD so far, so let your wife help!

[Isabella Ross]

And contrary to other opinions, if you enjoy dressing as a hooker or stripper, and your SO is okay with that, by all means do...

[vixenvicki]

Completely agree with everyone that advises taking it slow, so I won't repeat on that. But do also make sure to take time regularly to check in with your partner on her feelings. That'll help both of you in setting/adjusting the pace with which you share this side of yourself with her.

[wanabe-Leona]

From one that recently came out ( last July ) and know exactly what you are going through heed the words SOLW AND EASY. Everyone has said it in a lot more words but I say beware of the ( PINK FOG ) it can be draw you fast and you won't even know it at the time.

[Tracii G]

The "pink fog" has ruined a lot of CDr's very quickly.
Don't spend every waking moment talking about dressing with your wife, its old hat to her and will probably get pretty boring to her.
She still wants her man so keep that in mind.

[Angie G]

Keep it slow and don't push it on her. And keep her in the loop of you dressing. Don't hide things or keep thing from her. If she is good with it involve her. Just don't push.
Angie

[docrobbysherry]

That's why one pioneer dresser invented DADT!

For dressers and their families who r NOT comfortable with dad/hubby looking like the upstairs maid!

[JamieJay]

Wow! Just came back on this morning to see if anyone had responded. I didn't expect so many lovely replies and kind words. Thank you so much everyone, I'm genuinely touched.

I will certainly take things slowly and am involving my wife every step, hard though it is for someone that's had a secret buried for so long.

Love and hugs!
Jamie XXX.

[Victoria Demeanor]

Hi Jamie, Well as you've learned here you are not alone. I read stories like yours and the first thing that comes to mind is, when did I write this? This has been one of the best feeling I've had coming here to this site, knowing that this is a solution and not a problem. Knowing that there are others like me and it is not some dirty little quirk, but rather something to be embraced. We are pretty much on the same point on this path, so I can't give you much advice, still learning myself. So glad your SO has been supportive and hope the best for you.

[TrishaTX]

Take your time, check in and be honest. She could be very accepting of most things if you do it with her in mind. Don't rush, don't force it

[Teresa]

Jamie,
It's so good to read how well it's working out for you, as far as passing around the home is concerned just be you , don't put anything false on like your voice or walk . Maybe go with what your wife is comfortable with, it's not an act, it's dressing to accommodate your inner needs, what you feel comfortable with.

[JamieJay]

I'm really excited. I've ordered a really nice dress - 50s style and a wig. They should be arriving soon and I'm so excited to try them on. Next I need to get the hang of make up!

I've agreed with my wife that in the new year I'm going to take a weekend away and be dressed the whole time. So I need to start getting prepared!

If I do this I'm hoping to get to grips with who I am and who I want to be.

As always, thank you for the amazing advice. I'll keep you posted. Any tips on capsule wardrobes for a weekend away or make-up, gratefully received.

Christmassy love and hugs to y'all!
Jamie XXX.

[jenniferinsf]

jamie

by the look of the thread many of us have gone through what you and your wife are. congratulations for being open and you are indeed blessed to have someone who is willing to listen

my personal experience was to go from 0 to 100 in a few seconds....this lead me to believe that the world is wonderful....however to keep my relationship with my wife (who is the most loving and accepting) i have to pull back

i keep trying to push the envelope but get dragged back into reality..

go slow talk a lot and i hope that you will be as happy as my wife and i are

i dress almost all the time, except when some of her/our long time friends who are in the loop come over.

take care and be well.....may the force be with you

[Cindy.]

I told my wife in 2008 and she tried to accept it until late 2011 when she broke down and made me decide. Now in late 2015 I've brought it up again. She initially shot things down but is possibly coming around. So, things are still up in the air now. But I'll take up in the air over down in the dumpster. As our family becomes more accepting as society progresses, she notices it and becomes more accepting. During a joking conversation (not joking on my end) the only reason her adult kids would be put off by me having breasts is their belief that I'd play with them constantly. So to answer your question: find boundaries with her. Be HONEST. Be more loving every day. If she equates a more loving spouse with your dressing, she may welcome it more.

[JamieJay]

Be honest. So true. My wife and I are in a great place just by both of us being honest and listening to what each other wants. Also not trying to be a 'normal' couple; just doing what works for us.

Also, if you look at my profile, I've put a terrible pic up so you can see my new dress. No face yet sorry - not quite ready for that yet!

Love and hugs to y'all!
Jamie XXX.