Should We Tell? Is this book good or bad?

[HaleyPink2000]

If any of us find that we need to tell a Girl Friend or Spouse should we?

By going by the guide lines of a book “ My Husband Betty, written by Helen Boyd” page 59. It seems they say not to trust secrets to Women. Is this to be taken to be fact or just a suggestion. I am on the fence over this myself. My Wife of over 25 years and myself share every issue in our lives and no secrets between us. But, in retrospect, would it have been better for you to have told or to have keep a secret? Lets Say your Girl Friend does not know you’re a CD. What do you gain by telling Her? Worst case She leaves you, best She stays.
Ok, anyone that has read this book, may feel as I do. She jumps back and forth like She’s hormonal. One time tell all the next saying Women can’t keep secrets. What is up with that?

I'm not all the way done with this book. But it seems to be an ok read. Not a Must Have as some would have you believe.

Haley

[Julie Avery]

Haley, that's the $50,000 question, isn't it?!

IMHO, in hindsight, and advice I did not live by - it's easy to answer the "should I tell" question before a relationship has become committed. The answer is, "Absolutely, you should tell, before entering into committment, and be willing to risk rejection in order to avoid the pain and suffering to both parties that so often results when disclosure is delayed 10, 15, 20 years." Of course we all know why that's such useless advice, so often at the age when committments are first made, the CD's sense of shame is so overpowering that disclosure is just not something they're capable of. I hope that society is changing in such a way that this may not so often be the case in the future.

It's harder to answer the question, when a person finds themself in the "I've been in a committed relationship for over a decade now" group. I guess I'd have to say that if a person's spouse of long standing is "plain vanilla" in their ways, do not tell. Whether a person's intent is to preserve the relationship, or to end it, I would not expect anything good to come from disclosure in that situation.

I'm not militant about these prescriptions, but when I puzzle over the question you've asked, they're the best answers I can come up with.

If I could, I'd give you a big, long hug, and I can tell you that you're very brave, and honest - more so than myself - and I find that very admirable.

[KatieZ]

If you want to come out to the world at large, but have a hard time doing it, just tell one woman. Especially one that is not supportive, and your job is done. Everyone will know you are CD

At least that has been my experience.




Hugs

[pattied]

If you want to come out to the world at large, but have a hard time doing it, just tell one woman. Especially one that is not supportive, and your job is done. Everyone will know you are CD

At least that has been my experience.

Oh my. So Sorry... Of course this is precisely why it took me better than 10 years to come out to my wife...

Had I to do it all over again, I do not know that I would change it...
1. You have to be ready to bear the brunt of the emotional discharge. It may be ok, it may not. It probably won't be. My wife is very supportive, and even so, a lot of tears were shed.

2. You have to be willing to accept that she may blab. Not only to her friends, but her family, your family, you co-workers, etc. Big risk, and requires that you be comfortable with yourself and know your GF/SO/whatever very well.

3. You have to be ready to accept yourself. This is very important, and does not apply to everyone. To those that it does apply to, it is a VERY big deal though.

All in all, you have to trust your feelings on the matter.

I have not read Boyd's book, and am not sure I will. I have 5 other books in my personal queue to read prior to that one... So...

Last thought, best of luck!

[Sarah Rabbit]

I found the book a little disappointing. I agree that she seemed very contradictive on various aspects. One minute she seemed supportive 'Betty'
then resentment the next. The book became very clinical about halfway. I could not wait to finish, so that I could move onto something else.

Speaking of Resentment, I found a fare share of websites in the CD community (Prior to this one) whose spouses were scathing of their other halfs to the point where I would wonder why they are still with them. As any of Us would attest, this aspect of our personality is not about to go away

Hugs and kisses
Sarah

[Julie Avery]

As any of Us would attest, this aspect of our personality is not about to go away

Hugs and kisses
Sarah

You go, girl!

[Ellisia_Lynch]

There was an interesting discussion on this board about MHB only last week.....

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...3101&highlight

[Sharon]

"My Husband Betty" is not gospel. It is one person's story and that is all. Is it worthwhile reading? Perhaps, but everyone needs to understand that each situation, each person, and each couple is unique.

In my opinion, I don't believe women are any less, or more, trustworthy than men. I have a few women friends and family members who have honored my request that my situation not be shared with others. They leave it to me who I want to know. While she was alive, and through twelve years of our relationship, and while I was deep in the closet, my wife never divulged my then secret.

Meanwhile, I truly believe that if crossdressing is a significant part of your life, then you owe it to your wives to tell them, hopefully very early in the relationship. If you have kept this secret from a SO for a period of many years, then you need to decide if the relationship will survive her feelings of dishonesty, repugnance, or whatever.

Basically, every story is different.

[HaleyPink2000]

Sharon

It was very nice of you to come and post on this topic. I Share the Idea of at least with my Wife telling all. Always have always will. It's been a rough 25 years but only because of health issues on my part. I'm so in love with Her that everyday of my life is based on what might She need that day. The nice thing is that She does return the same to me. Sharon, Thanks!

Haley

[GypsyKaren]

I think that if you're going to share your life with someone, they deserve to know who they're sharing it with. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, it's really none of their business unless you choose to make it so. In my case, I feel that I'm doing nothing wrong or have anything to hide or be ashamed of, so I'm telling people who are close to me. The rest of the world I don't care about, if they find out it doesn't matter.

As far as the book goes, I have to say that my opinion of it diminishes each day as I evolve out of the closet. I think Helen assumes to much from her own experiences with Betty. You'll never hear me say a bad word about either one of them, it's just that I think they're a little to "deep". There's so many "hidden meanings" talked about in that book, so I'll say this; before I left their forum for good, I told Betty "sometimes a ham sandwhich is just that, a ham sandwhich, so put some mustard on it and enjoy". Think about it.

Karen

[kathy gg]

Hi Haley

I got to tell ya, I gave our copy away to a friend who really needed it. So right now I am without a copy, so can't read the page and comment.

But I can say this: that book has helped more people I believe then hurt. Helen is from a different generation than Peggy Ruud {whose book i also read}. Peggys book is a good read. But it did not fit well for a woman like myself. When helen was in the process of writing the book and shared some of it with me, I certainly felt I conected better with that book than Peggy's. Not taking away how uselful Peggys book is and I recomend them both when people ask me about books.

Amanda and I are one of the featured coupls in helens book, so I dont' want to say I am overtly biased, but I think it showed many different types of relationships. I know quiet a few women have emailed me after reading it saying how relieved they were to know they were not alone in enjoyiing their hubby's cding. Just like you, women who do like this are a bit marginalized, so that feeling of knowing that you are not alone helps alot.

It takes alot of courage to write any book that will get published and garner attention. There are not many books on being married to a cd from a wives perspective. I look forward to reading her next book!

[HaleyPink2000]

It does take a lot for these people to write books of their personal lives. My problem happened when I came across the area where this girl was saying She had never kept a secret in her life. My Gawd! This is under Identity as a Wife. My Gawd woman what are you talking about? Secrets between Husband and wives are part of the bond of marriage. Is that to be broken just as, two timing a spouse. Both are wrong, shame shame shame. That was, what got me in the book so far. This is a paramont thing when we think " Should we tell".

Haley

Oh, and thanks Kathy, for your posting! I loved your comments.

[maid phylis]

well having met both helen and betty ,i wish i had something to go by when i finally broke the news to my wife of many years,i had nothing to go by as whether to tell or just continue in the dark,and yes i finally did tell her and after so many years of being married she fully understood what i was going through.it has been five years now since i told her my big secret and i couldnt be happier ,i finally can go out to my cd groups and not have to stay home wishing that i could be out. love phylisanne

[JoAnnDallas]

I hate to bust her bubble, but everyone has secrets. I bet there is a time in everyones life that was either Embarrassing or you did some foolish thing and now you keep that secret because you don't want others to know how foolish you were when you were younger. Then too there are those of us that are ex-military. They have secrets that they may never be able to tell.

Even if it is something little like deciding to treat your SO and you burned the steaks, put them in the trash and made something else and never told your SO that you made steaks but burn them.

[HaleyPink2000]

Your correct. We all have problems that we don't fit in this or that culture well.
That includes keeping secrets.

I myself am a lower mid class White MTF CD. A trades person all my life. I don't fit in many Cultures in the USA. Especially not Souther Christian or Assembly of God, which both I was raised in. It seems I'm a little more into Cultural Diversity than most.

Thanks for posting Joann! Your a Dear.

Haley

[Ivana]

Better to follow the old adage, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
It's your life and your secret.