awkward situation...advice or comments

[jenniferinsf]

as jennifer...my wife and i went to hear my son's band play at a club.

i was introduced as jennifer was having a lovely time. a bit later while my wife was up watching the band i approached from behind and put my hand on her shoulder/nape of neck

she shrugged it off and said she did want to be seen as a lesbian.

i was stunned to say the least and it continues to bother me a couple of weeks later. i tried to play it down but she was serious. i guess i did not realized the depth of her feelings although she is 100% supportive

i am still smarting from the slight

[reb.femme]

Hi Jennifer,

Similar circumstances for me at home. There is zero contact between us when I'm dressed. At least you get to go out with your wife dressed, mine would not be seen dead with me dressed. I might save that for her funeral if I out live her.

I don't think you've over assumed, as no line had been drawn...until now. Your wife is obviously open to your dressing, so maybe ask her about it so that she's aware you know there is a limit to her acceptance?

Becky

[Dana44]

Yeah , it does sting. Don't worry though, she still is supportive. But women don't like any lesbian contacts. That is typical. My SO is the same way. I know we want loved but heck don't this bother you.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Seems pretty simple and reasonable Jennifer. She is happy to go out with you dressed but as girlfriends not as husband and wife. That is how she feels comfortable in a situation that is so rare among CD wives. Most don't want to even see us dressed let alone go out together. Perhaps you made an assumption that would have been best talked through before it arose.

[pamela7]

i suppose the bright side means she thinks you pass well enough for others to think that!

[Teresa]

Jennifer,
May I ask how long you've been going out dressed with your wife ?
It does sound as if she's on the edge of her comfort zone, did you say anything to her at the time ? In hindsight I may have just apologised for startling her and see what her response was to that.
I guess all you can do is back off with the dressing out, when the opportunity does come up again double check that she's still OK with it.
Do you also go out alone or only as a couple ?

[Eryn]

Give it time and restrict PDOA to things that casual girlfriends would do. Touching her arm is fine, kissing her is not. Messes up your lipstick, anyway!

One thing: Your being TG does not in any way make your wife a lesbian. Mimi and I have discussed this at length and she married a man and remains attracted to men. I'm kind of a special case.

While we may in some stretch of the imagination be perceived as a same-sex couple it is more likely that we will be perceived as a pair of casual friends. The only people who seem to perceive us as a lesbian couple are other LGBT people who have gaydar and that is fine with us.

[Katey888]

I don't see that as a slight... Isn't that simply her right to choose to constrain perceptions of people who may know her to something she is comfortable with? Unless this is a change of attitude, perhaps this is something you could have discussed before...?

(Please note: I'm addressing this reply with these questions and points only because I think I can understand your wife's position and feeling and I wonder if anyone else feels this too.)

I'm not out to my wife and I don't have a strong need to express my femme side frequently or regularly, and I think this is possibly one of the reasons why - I'd feel uncomfortable putting my wife in this position (assuming that she knew and accepted) as my need for expression is something that doesn't involve her or need her consensual participation. Perhaps your wife has some limits beyond which she is not prepared to support, but I don't think I'd consider it a slight - simply a choice on her part.

Just a different perspective...

I hope you can work it out together though...

Katey x

[Teresa]

Eryn,
Women are sensitive to that point, my wife has given the response that she's not a lesbian, ironically since my gender counselling she accepts that I partly am. I can see the point you make now, going out in that situation is like sisters or female friends , they very rarely touch and and certainly not a friendly touch on the shoulder, unless it's accompanied by a call of some kind to attract their attention.

[Eryn]

Some women don't touch often, others do. It's a societal thing.

I used to be concerned about being mistaken for gay and now realize that this was the prejudices taught to by me during my upbringing. Gay isn't bad and if someone wants to mistake me as such they are welcome to do so.

Lesbians have been accepted "under the radar" for much longer than men. Historically, two women living together just didn't raise eyebrows as would two men living together. Women were expected to have roommates., but men living together were "The Odd Couple."

I suppose that it comes down to how much we (husbands and wives) want to hold onto old prejudices. We want society to treat T people fairly, so it behooves us to respect the L and G folks too.

[Pumped]

Jen, you were presenting as a woman and your wife's request seems reasonable to me. Two woman touching in a friendly manner in public? What would most people think? Now if this happened in the privacy of your home I would feel differently.

[NicoleScott]

If somebody doesn't mind being perceived as gay, it's their right. But isn't it someone's right to NOT be perceived as lesbian? Isn't it the same right? The suggestion that you're prejudiced if you do mind is ridiculous.

Married or not, if someone doesn't want to be touched, it should be respected.

[bridget thronton]

I can understand the feelings Jen (yours and hers)

[docrobbysherry]

Jen, u must have known by now that your SO isn't attracted to u dressed? Then, u pushed yourself on her in public?

The alternative is; she is attracted to u but was embarrassed to show it in public. Then, I think she owes u an appology for snubbing u.

[Cheryl T]

If she is 100% supportive of "her husband" crossdressing then maybe you shouldn't be so hurt.
Respect her feelings on this just as she respects yours. She could just as well have introduced you as so and so (male name) my husband and then how would you have felt?

[Michelle Girl]

Hi Jennifer,

I am not fully aware of the understanding that exists between you and your wife regarding how you mix with others when out together. The fact that your wife accompanies you while dressed en femme and introduces you as Jennifer places you, in my view, in a rare and immensely fortunate position, compared with the majority of CDers.

This tolerance and acceptance may have some more subtle limits than you are aware of, despite her declared total acceptance. In the situation that you describe, your wife may feel that her gender identity and presentation are as a straight female and that you have compromised this in public. If this is the case then I can understand her reaction when you touched her nape / shoulder.

Perhaps I am wrong but this would be my reading of the situation based on how you described it. It would merit a discussion with her. Sooner rather than later to ensure you both understand and don't marr what appears to be a wonderful relationship.

Hope I'm not wide of the mark. Best wishes, Michelle

[Jenniferathome]

Jennifer, I would never touch my wife in any way that is affectionate while I am dressed. I am not her husband in the romantic sense when dressed. My wife would be as creeped out as I would be should that kind of touch occur.

[Suzanne F]

Jennifer
Keep talking with your wife. My wife's reaction to me has changed greatly over the last 2 years. It has been a process for her and it continues to evolve. No things are not perfect but we are figuring it out together. People change if they are willing. This is a journey so keep moving! Be loving to your wife and give her room to grow. There are no guarantees but my experience has been one of love and acceptance!
Suzanne

[Maria 60]

It's to bad because it just sounds like you got caught up in the moment as a parent watching your son perform. Women are difficult to predict, my wife has always told me that if I want to walk out the door she will never walk next to me, but a few years back I went to a crossdresser store to buy a wig, and she was right there with me by my side even though I told her she didn't have to come. Just her accepting you being dressed outside the home is a big positive. If my wife would let me out the door I wouldn't care if she wanted me to touch her.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jen, There's a thin fine line between acceptance and rejection . ~~......

[Lorileah]

Women are difficult to predict,

really? and men aren't? c'mon Let's not start into the bashing of women ok?

[josrphine]

HUMMMMMMM?????? My wife an I have been together for 9 1/2 yrs. There is such a very good bond between us that we both don't care what anyone thinks about us. I am who I am, an she loves me more as a women then a man. Duz that make her a lesbian. For us to become " NORMAL " should we fall back on the old sterotype. You Jennifer make a very good looking women an I'll bet your wife has some female friends that touch her the same way. Have a little talk with her about it , the more it sits in the room the smaller the room gets. JO

[Launa]

Yeah this can easily happen with a SO in public and everybody has their moments and comfort zones. Especially at a bar I could see a SO saying something like this. Deal with the rejection the best way you can.

[Krisi]

Jennifer, first, you are very lucky that your wife is willing to go out with you in public and interact with people. Whatever you do, don't let that slip away.

Her fear of being seen as a lesbian is real and you should expect and respect that. In her mind, the two of you are out together as sisters, friends or neighbors, not lovers or husband and wife. Some women might get a kick out of the "lesbian" thing, but the older or more conservative they are, the less likely this is. Also, the more known in the community, the less likely this is.

Don't let anyone try to tell you that this is wrong, it what your wife thinks, not what someone else thinks that's important.

Don't let it bother you. You might think about apologizing and this could lead to a discussion on the subject where you two can reach an understanding.

[mykell]

hi jennifer,
obviously if you still feel negative vibes from this you need to discuss it with her,
as others have said if my wife and son were so accepting of this to have me participate in a function as my other self would be a blessing,
her action was backed up by her voice, take it as the off-handled compliment it was, respect her boundaries, easy for me to say though, im out for support group meetings and a few times into the wild....