awkward situation...advice or comments

[flatlander_48]

j:

Relationships evolve as we learn more about each other. Even though a given relationship may have been in existence for a long time, new information may require reevaluation and adjustment. Inadvertently you touched a hot button and got the knee-jerk response. I say knee-jerk because it could be that it took her by surprise with no time to process or it could be an accurate reflection of her thinking. It may be too early to tell. I'd say let it steep for a few days and have a low-key conversation about it.

DeeAnn

[Vale]

Could it be that your wife accepts the female side of you as a woman, and -- when in your girl mode -- expects you to act like the other women in her life that she respects? How does she behave with other women?

Vale

[Stephanie47]

I suspect the biggest issue my wife has with my cross dressing is exactly the connotation it infers some sort of lesbian relationship. I would not take it as a slight. She just wants intimacy to be on her terms, i.e, with her male husband. It may be different in the privacy of the home and even the bedroom, but, it may be stretching it to be seen in public.

My wife was so traumatized thirty plus years ago by a shopping trip to Mervyn's to buy some panties with me that it bordered on "mental spousal abuse." From that day on I never approached the subject of acceptance. I know why she probably acted in that manner, and, I can accept her deep reluctance to even talk about the subject.

You're lucky your wife is supportive. Just accept her boundaries. Everyone has one, even if you haven't reach it yet.

[sometimes_miss]

i am still smarting from the slight

Are you kidding? There are only a few million crossdressers who would murder someone in order to have an accepting wife. Wake up and smell the roses you have! Gee, how some people have no idea how good they have it.

[jenniferinsf]

Thanks thanks thanks

You have no idea how much I appreciate all of your input.

Yes...I am very lucky and appreciate what I have with my wife and respect who she is.

And yes...need to talk more but I seem to retreat into my male silent mode.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

My wife has told me many times she just is not a lesbian, that's probably good because we probably wouldn't be together if she was. After all I am really a man underneath the clothes, even though in my mind I want to be and mostly feel like a woman. We have played dressup together on many occasions but she still does not like the lesbian aspect of it. We both wear one piece bathing suits in our hot tub and we wear matching nities quite a lot but she still don't like the lesbian aspect of it so don't be upset with her.

[Stephanie Julianna]

My wife has also expressed a similar concern. She prefers me as a man. Period.

[Sky]

And yes...need to talk more but I seem to retreat into my male silent mode.

I think this is paramount, Jennifer. All too often we make assumptions about what our wives/gfs really think, and since most of us don't much argue with ourselves (save for split personalities?) we tend to convince ourselves of "facts" that have little support in reality.

Talk to her, but more than anything listen. Every person has its own boundaries and limits, and knowing hers will help you navigating your marriage better.

[sugarbabe]

And yes...need to talk more but I seem to retreat into my male silent mode.

The silent killer. I suffer from this a bunch. My wife is very accepting, but there are more things I feel I should talk about with her and sometimes I just can't squash my insecurities/embarrassment/shame/etc. to make it happen :|

[Sarah Doepner]

As we accept ourselves as transgender we have to realize that those who know and care about us are having to redefine themselves as well. Your wife is probably going through her own transition and has sent you a message on an aspect of her life you hadn't discussed yet. In a way she has complimented the quality of your presentation, people would think you are a woman. It may be time to discuss other things that she is concerned about and set the ground rules until the next talk. She sounds like a great person, show her the respect and support she has shown you and be a couple for a long time to come.

[Pat]

In these situations I usually try to reverse the roles -- imagine your wife decided she wants to be FTM CD and can put together a really convincing presentation. You're out in a public place as your male self in a place where people may know you and she drapes herself over you -- do you feel comfortable or not? If you're uncomfortable, could you move her off you without it seeming like a rebuff? She was actually in a pretty tough situation when you think about it that way.

[Beverley Sims]

I also remember not to walk too closely or hold hands with my wife when dressed.

Some natural touching does look out of place I admit.

[Mink]

My wife has also expressed a similar concern. She prefers me as a man. Period.

but even dressed as a woman you are still a man!

and the thread starter's wife couldn't be a lesbian because he is a man!

and if people thought she was? she could just explain nope! he's a man, baby!

etag!

[Krisi]

As we accept ourselves as transgender .................

Let's try to keep in mind that we are not all "transgender". Probably far more of us are not.

The relationship between a wife and a crossdressing husband is likely to be far different than the relationship between a wife and a husband who identifies himself as "transgender".

[Jackie7]

gee, never occurred to me that it could be an issue so I asked my sweet wife, she said it never occurred to her either, and she likes it whenever we are affectionate with each other no matter how we are dressed. I think it is that neither one of us has any illusions, while I do my best to dress pretty and look and act appropriately, I'm still a man wearing a costume and she's still a GG, and we're a hetero couple who are lucky enough to like each other a lot.

If you can accept her feelings, you could take her remark as a compliment and enjoy it -- you blend so well that you really do look like a couple of girls.

[CONSUELO]

"Cross dressers are difficult to predict". Discuss

[Meghan4now]

The one time out with my wife, I winked at her.

"Do NOT wink at my dressed like that!" Okay, good to know.....

[ReineD]

To the people who suggest the OP’s wife does not want to be perceived as a lesbian because she is fearful of negative reactions or is somehow homophobic, I want to say that to affirm who we are as people does not mean that we are phobic of others.

I am Canadian. When I travel out of North America and speak English, I correct people who believe me to be American. French is my native language. When speaking French to foreigners I correct them if they believe me to be European French. I am not fearful of or prejudiced against Americans or the French from France, in fact I love them. I just want people to perceive me as who I am, a French Canadian.

Likewise, I do not want to be perceived as a lesbian because I am not lesbian.

That said, there is another reason my SO and I are not physically affectionate in public. Same-sex friends who do stuff together do not draw attention, but same-sex couples still do in some main-stream areas. This potentially causes people to fix their gaze upon us, which increases the chances for my SO being read. No one would know that my SO is a birth male if they don’t pay attention, if we are at the periphery of their vision - the more salient outward cues are properly female (the hair, the clothing, the body shape while dressed, etc). But, upon closer inspection, people can tell. My SO prefers to not be perceived as a man in a dress. I don't mind being affectionate with my SO in a GLBT club or bar though, because people there know my SO is a birth-male anyway.