Really? You're going to blame menopause? I think you have a handle on the problem if she's exhausted from doing Mom duty. If she's beat, take some of the load off her and give her the time to get back to her old self -- the one you really liked -- again. Instead of suggesting she hire a maid - do the laundry. Clean up. It's less likely menopause and more likely male privilege. Just an opinion.
ding ding ding.... Have you ever felt stress? It kicks the crap out of you. Doesn't matter how legit it is. And when you have kids to take care of, it takes everything you have to continue to function as a good parent. I do not know how much she is truly rejecting you. I would think her putting the things you presented to her more of a she just cannot deal with it right now kind of thing. The truth from her early acceptance in the past, buying things and such was probably not that she ever really liked it, but liked making you happy. She may not have hated it, but probably like most would be plenty ok if it were not the case.Originally Posted by Mitzy
My advice, for the short term while she is under stress, is to back off things like the maid resume and stuff. She knows you dress, and for now, is ok enough not to leave you over it, but the other issues in life are just taking up all her time. At some point, when you can find a time when you two can talk freely, I would bring up the topic and get a better understanding of where she is at with it all. Probably not a place you are going to be really happy with.... but probably a place where it will not end the marriage either.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
Communication is the key. Speak with her and be honest, and listen to what she wants. Remember what I asked earlier? All boils down to, the person you want to become, isn't the person she married. She will feel cheated or lied to. You will loose trust and respect, that you will never get back... Nothing is too "private" from your wife.
Thank you everyone - I've battled with myself on doing much of what a lot of you are leaning toward - which is backing off.
Counseling: I would not be comfortable talking about those desires with another party. It's just too private to me.
And no, I haven't considered being a "Guy" - or "Manly Man" for her ...
Good luck
@--}-----
Michelle
Mitzi:
There has been some very good comments in this thread, but one thing I noticed in your original post is that your wife is up early with the kids and early to bed. Does that mean you are not? If you aren't, try getting up with her and going to bed with her. Share that load and maybe that will make her a bit less tired and a bit more appreciative of your efforts. I know my wife appreciates help around the house but doesn't necessarily like to tell me she needs it. As a general rule, I have found that spending time with my wife reaps great rewards. Sitting on the couch with her and rubbing her feet is pure gold, and I enjoy it too.
Second, and I think this has been mentioned: what is your wife into regarding intimacy? Do you know? Have you asked? Maybe she is into some other kind of fantasy and a little quid pro quo is in order.
In short, I have found that if one gives attention without being asked, it is worth much more than giving attention after being asked. In other words, give her something, don't ask for anything. You might find yourself on the receiving end of that equation.
Alana
Sorry - I don't know if it's menopause, it was just a theory. I think it's being tired more than anything. I do work late at night from home, so I'm normally not in bed until after midnight. But I DO help around the house quite a bit - I do laundry, and dishes, and I fix whatever needs to be fixed. I just fixed the furnace, which I never thought I would be able to do. She does tolerate my wearing her things -and sometimes will have me wear stuff in bed fooling around, so maybe she's not completely repulsed by it.
We do have quiet times together, usually at night when we're watching tv, or if the kids finish dinner early - then we have time to talk. We actually had a DATE night the other night, and it went really well - nothing happened sexually, but that wasn't the point. It was just having time to ourselves. We don't make a lot of money, so hiring a sitter is difficult. Family isn't an option unfortunately (both sets of parents are deceased, and extending family live far away).
Talking to her about it is what scares me. We do flirt on and off during the day sometimes, but at night it's like a switch <CLICK> she's done with life, reading a book, in bed, doesn't want to deal with anything. I take it upon myself to clean up after dinner, and do dishes and other stuff without being asked, but so many times, I look at the pile of laundry and say to myself... "well if only she would, then I would". But I know it doesn't work that way... and it's frustrating.
Thanks everyone -
Ahem. She's not interested in playing dress up with you. She's made that clear. What is so difficult to understand? This kind of reminds me of my mom forcing asparagas down my throat. I don't like it. I'm not going to like it. Stop shoving it in my face and why keep insisting that if I keep trying it eventually I'll like it?
The more you push, the more she's going to hate you doing it, and the more she's going to hate you shoving it into her face.
Leave it alone. Do your thing in private, and don't annoy her with it.
You have no idea how lucky you are already to have someone that will even tolerate you doing this. Lots of us would give our right arm to have a wife like yours.
Keep pushing her, and eventually someone else will have her for HIS wife, because she'll push YOU right out the door.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Billieannejean gave excellent advice. Make sure that you continue to date (as man & woman). Don't push her if she doesn't want to participate in your dressing. Sounds like the rest of your lives are going very well.
Also - PLEASE stop trying to blame menopause for any problems. It gets really old!
Mitzi, she is as tired as all crap. There are some days and some times when you just don't have the emotional energy to deal with this *(&^. And trust me, even for someone who is TS, there are plenty of times you are just over it and really don't want to talk about it and talk about the same stuff again and again.
I think you need to perhaps work with her. Ask her if there is anything she would like you to do to help out with the kids / work / whatever. Listen to her, really listen, try and understand the problems and things in her life that occupy her mind and ask / see if you can help (sometimes, lots of times, just listening helps). Do little things to make her feel good about herself randomly. The reason women, GG and TG, like being given flowers is because firstly we like flowers but secondly it means you thought about us. Not huge bouquets, just a flower picked randomly from somewhere because it reminded you of her (The reason we like chocolate though is because it tastes AWESOME so don't even think of eating any of it if you give it to her!). Lots of little things, it doesn't have to be expensive presents or grand gestures. Stuff that you know she likes because you know her.
She sounds like a lovely person. She will see and understand and will also want to listen to you, to do the things that make you happy.
OH, and also this:
And don't even think of blaming it on hormones either!
Sadly I think Laurana's nailed it Mitzy. You're going to have to tough it out...if you value your marriage.
So many of us here are in DADT relationships, and at least you've had some understanding from her over the years, and it's not like you're living a lie.
My best advice is do everything you possibly can to make her life easier. Be her rock. She needs a rock, not a girlfriend.
Hopefully in time, and with her feelings reassured by your love and good husbandry, she will find it within herself to indulge some of your fantasies.
I used to have a short attention spa
What exactly is it that you think is shareable about cding?
We choose our girlfriends for very different reasons than a husband. What do you really have to offer when you are dressed?
When women share we give to each other-sharing a problem, or offering support with an issue or medical problem. This is not what you have in mind. We do not sit around talking about panty colours, or nail varnish....!
You miss the point entirely when you offer to do chores while dressed. Daffy French maids do not do dishes. You do not hoover in high heels. As a member of the household you share chores. If you only want to do that while dressed you are sending another message entirely.
When children are young it is often best to go to a local support group. Think about it.
I feel that you should not push it too far and wait for her to respond.
Curiosity does get the better of most women and they start asking questions.
If you suggest or do things to speed the process up you will take a backwards step of six to twelve months easily.
Lay off and you might make some progress in three months.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
As far as work goes do you work outside the home or work from home? Does she work as well outside the home?
Raising kids is freaking hard trust me I raised two daughters on my own and it will drain everything out of you.
My second wife had issues with stress and was very moody and did start menopause in her late 30's so life with her was pretty unbearable.
Maybe she needs to go in for a check up and take a stress test she may have medical reasons for being overly tired.
One thing you may try is take the kids for the day and let her just be alone.Better yet take them on a a trip for a few days or a special weekend with Dad.
Do what the kids want to do weather is a theme park or fishing, camping whatever.
I'm sure Mom would appreciate that a lot.
The main thing is make things about her not you so much.
hi Mitzy,
If I replace CD-ing with any given hobby, to me it sounds a lot like any other relationship I've had or seen with friends.
You date, are enthousiastic about something, and enthousiasm often stirs some intrest in your new partner, even if it's totally not their cup of tea.. they'll often spend some time and effort to make you happy, because.. well because it makes you happy.. and then life goes on, and as it does all the other daily things of life kick in..
If she is not dead set against it, then how about trading something you love to do with something she loves to do?
Make time for both, for example hers on 1 day, and yours two weeks later or so.. ?
Posting Permissions
