Frustrated with Wife's Lack of interest

[Mitzy]

I know this is probably common - and I'm sure there is a post, or many posts about this subject here -and no offense, but I don't have a great deal of time to go searching for the correct topic (I've tried a few times, but I always get pulled away for one reason or another).

Right now, kids are in bed, wife is reading, and I finally have some quiet time.

I've been doing the secret under clothes thing since my early teens - loved it, still love it, have had fantasies in the past about totally getting decked out and going out in public -but now that I'm a Dad, I'm not interested in doing that anymore. Privately, behind closed doors ok, but not public.

When I told my wife about this, back when we first started dating, she was initially REALLY freaked out. She thought I was gay, broke down crying, thinking it was never going to work out between us, etc. I really had to coax, and explain specifics to her - what I was into, what I wasn't into, etc. I had only told one or two other girls in my life, and both were awesome about it. I thought she would be too.

Anyway, I think it was initially a struggle for her, but eventually, she started to get into it. She would buy things for me once in awhile, and playfully tease me about what I was wearing, etc. When we were to go out on dates, sometimes she would pick out certain things for me to wear - underneath, but outerwear too, like women's Jeans, and certain shoes. Subtle things that don't grab attention. Is Gender-bending the right term?

Well, now things have shut down. She doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't give me any acknowledgement in that area. I've bugged her about it, we've had silent fights about it. What it comes down to, I guess, is that she's up early with the kids, and in bed by 10 every night, her energy level is shot. I can't say as I blame her. She is an awesome Mother, and an awesome wife, and other than this, I have no complaints.

But it's SO frustrating to be so alone in this. All I want to do is share it with her, and all she does is ignore it. We both agree this is nothing that the kids need to know about - it's private, only between us, but still she is un-motivated.

The sex is great - no complaints there - but that's all it is... sex. No build-up, no role-playing (and OH how I want to role-play!) I've written stories for her to help get her motivated (which she told me might help) - but she shoved them in a drawer, and ignored them. I had even been hinting that she should hire a "maid" every time she complained about laundry, or house-chores. Rolls eyes, "yea-yea". I even wrote a "resume" as a "potential maid" which I handed to her, and she read it, stuffed it under a book, rolled over and went to sleep.

I'm stuck. I'm beginning to wonder if she's hitting the early stages of Menopause (we are both mid-40's) - if so, is this common?

I don't even know how to talk to her about it anymore without her getting defensive.

Anyone else out there having, or have had issues like this?

Thanks for listening -

[Dana44]

Mitsy, it could be something she is going through. Might not even against you. I would give it a little time and then maybe try a role play. Perhaps it will get you two closer. But I've seen it before and she may be just tired from being a mother. It is hard a any male as the kids get older and the parents start growing apart at this time. Many marriages fail because that but like I said she may be just tired.

[Rachelakld]

Discussed it with wife,
her arguement is she has no time for your girl self (just as my wife has no interest in Rachel, and Rachel must find her own fun in her "free time")
Wife often gives me dresses, kids got me a lovely handbag for this Christmas, floral tights last Christmas.

My thoughts are, if she is a great wife, great mother, great sex, then maybe there is a disconnect elsewhere in the relationship (maybe you visions of the future are different).

BTW we don't do role play, sex buildup etc, it's more like "cool we don't expect any interuptions for the next 30 minutes, lets get to it".
We do have cuddles morning and night, but with teenagers and parties, out last "pick up" can be 1 or 2 am, and sleep over morning pickups can be anytime after 6 am, so it only leaves us with 4 hours for sleep or sex.

[Laurana]

I'm stuck. I'm beginning to wonder if she's hitting the early stages of Menopause (we are both mid-40's) - if so, is this common?

Or it could be that she's getting tired of you bringing it up. Maybe she doesn't want to share this with you. Maybe, even though she's "picked things out", or "playfully teased" she's not accepting this. She may tolerate it to a point but that's as far as she's willing to go.

If you want everything else to stay "great" my advice is to back off or you may find yourself having a "great" life by yourself.

And whatever you do do NOT use the menopause word.

I know it's harsh words to read but it may be a lot closer to the truth than you want to admit.

[Jaylyn]

Yep the GG go thru the change about tha period of time. Some earlier some later. Grab a good hold on to something because that's the time they can care less about about anything sexual and just try to make it thru one day at a time. Oh by the way it's pretty tough on the genetic males also. My wife started her change in her very early fifties and she is now 65 and really has not been the same since. We've tried estrogen, shots and about everything in between. I've accepted this is just life. They still want your love but seem to start having a lack for sexual things. It's hard because I still enjoy the old times but realize this is where true love has to prevail as I know it's not her fault.

[Candice June Lee]

Women's hormones unlike a males are always up and down. My wife had a hysterectomy in her twenties so I can see many things of what you say first hand. As their body changes and the imbalances happen that quietly try to make sense of things coming. It puts their moods in to different arrays from one minute to the next. My wife goes from loving the fem side of me to hating it and back in thirty seconds sometimes. Sometimes she hates it for days and other times loves it to no end. I don't like the rollercoaster ride of emotions but all we can do love them and hope for a better day tomorrow. As she has helped you through this CD process you may want to help her and let her know her feelings are just as important. That might go a long ways into helping you and her cope with all this.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Mitzy,

Welcome to the forum. I have a couple of questions for you.

One: When you met your wife were you dressed as a woman?

Two: Is your wife gay?

I am not trying to be hurtful or disrespectful. Two basic questions you should remember when your wife doesn't wish to play. Remember when she broke down and cried, asked you a hundred questions about your sexual orientation and how far were you willing to go? Well guess what she fell in love with a man. The very same man you see in the mirror every morning. You may not feel that way inside, may not even appreciate that outward exterior, but that is what she saw, that is what she is attracted to. Your personality, attitude, inner strength and a dozen more qualities that she found in you is what she decided to spend the rest of her life with. Yes everyone changes... Hell she will change as well. Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if she wanted to dress up as a guy? Take you out amongst your friends and coworker's...

Remember the two questions ....

Good luck, appreciate the time she does spend, go slow and don't push her unless you wish to find other living quarters.

@--}----
Michelle

[CarlaWestin]

Well, Mitzy, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I get the general feeling from the thousands of posts I've read that for the most part, our wives would prefer we not do this. And there's the paradox. We would prefer to do this. Who knows why we want to experience a female existence. For me, it's a warm comfort zone. It is nice to hear that your priorities are in order.
And, really, we don't "bend" anything.

[Katey888]

Welcome Mitzy...

I think you're somewhat correct when you guess that what you describe is a common problem for CDers - how common is unclear, but I can tell you that I've read quite a few examples here where the wife is initially shocked, then moves to some level of tolerance (even support) but later seems to go cold on the idea even to the point of outright rejection. Of course, everyone is unique - there are differences in every relationship and every story but it seems clear that sometimes partners' wishes are in phase and in other cases, not so much... You imply that there may be a sexual role-play element to this for you but clearly not for her. I think you could replace "CDING" with any number of other sexual play or fetish scenarios and find that one partner is keen, but the other is anti. I've experienced this first hand (not with CDing) and there isn't really much to be done if your SO isn't into it... perhaps explore related areas (maybe someone not into maids might be more into... leather...? Or cowgirls..? or something else - just examples... ) but if they're really not interested, you have three, stark choices: don't do it; do it by yourself; or do it with someone else. Doubtless a lot of folk will see that as being potentially unfaithful - but depending on the exact circumstances, a little bit of managed extracurricularism might go a long way to preserving a relationship on other fronts. It's down to the individuals concerned, but you could (and should) discuss this with her.

Overall, I think this is simply about people changing as they mature. Some appear not to; others (I think those of us that have a more exploratory or experimenting persona) change more and push boundaries more. I don't think there are too many ways of predicting how we're going to be as that maturity creeps up and mugs us...

Finally - please don't beat yourself up about this too much... distance between couples is not unusual - sure, we don't ask for it, but it is a simple fact of modern life - you just need to find a way to talk without being too defensive (perhaps couples counselling?) or a way to manage your own needs...

Good luck! Come back and talk to all of us if it helps...

Katey x

[audreyinalbany]

and yo also siad, "now that I'm a dad," the implication being that your child (or children) are fairly young. Not being an actual woman, I probably should't moment, but, in my experience, Motherhood changes a woman's feelings about a lot of things. It may be that she's so involved being a mom that she just doesn't have the energy for role playing or much of anything else. I'd say cut her a little slack and back off a little bit on your needs and wants.

[mykell]

hi Mitzy,
im having issues like that, its called life and me being a CDer had nothing to do about it, she has only known for a brief time, its just how life goes about.....you still have a wife and kids so be thankful for that, many lost all that when they reveal this to their mates.
if or when she wants to see it she will let you know, dont obsess over it. her fantasy may be an officer and a gentleman, your offering a french maid, of course she rolled over.

noticed in your post you didnt mention she had jubilantly cheered and jumped up and down about how happy she was that you were a CDer, remember that, she was freeked out, she still is, just a little accepting about it, dont push her away, the family comes first !

i may sound harsh but just being honest, your new here and have not seen good friends lose it all by disclosing a few words about yourself.....even a knowledgeable wife may find a breaking point, cherish them and the time you have to share with them....

i too had a similar thread about my wifes lack of understanding, "you can lead a horse to water, you cant make them drink"

[Meghan4now]

Mitzy,

As others have mentioned, you sound like you are at a stage in life where children, work and life are busy and stressful. If it's not her cup of tea, and she has only been tolerant of it in the past, I wouldn't push it. You have a great many other things to be thankful for.

SEX? You get sex at this stage? Quit you b****ing! You're in the lucky 25-30%

[BillieAnneJean]

Have you tried something new, like you being 100% guy and her being the woman for a date night? Do all the chivalrous guy things and manly things dressed 100% guy. Tell her that you will not be talking about anything cross dressing or fantasy. Just conversation about the kids, how much you love each other, plan a next vacation. Give her an escape from the usual by doing this. Then repeat every week, no less frequent that every other week. Give her something to look forward to and count on. It does not have to be expensive. Just some time away from the kids, housework, and your cross dressing. Even grocery shopping would do once in a while. Try this and I bet you see some renewed enthusiasm on her part for your other interests.

[ClosetED]

My wife had been reluctant, but mildly accepting (rarely buying me an item), until about 5 yrs ago, when she was in late 40's. So either hormones, or more likely life stage, may be factor. When kids were very small, you wearing women's clothes may have been daring, but now her reputation in the community and also the possible impact on the kids being teased, is a greater concern to a caring mother. If you are pushing more, her reaction may be to shut you down. I suggest having a talk when things are quiet, kids asleep, she is not exhausted. You can ask if those are things she is worried about and that you can see they are impacting your relationship. You may have to keep to just underdressing such that no one will notice and doing things only in complete privacy with her, in exchange to her sharing more with you.
You may feel that is not fair. - but yet it may be what she is worried about and your choices are limited..
Good luck and welcome to the Forum!
Ellen

[Krisi]

It's unclear to me if you're complaining about your wife's lack of interest in sex in general or her lack of interest in your crossdressing.

I can't help you on the sex thing but as for the crossdressing, you are the crossdresser, not her. Why should she be interested in it? Is the typical wife interested in her husband's other hobbies? Fishing? Hunting? Fast cars or four-wheelers?

Many crossdressers get so caught up in dressing that they forget that it's not something their wife cares about. Often, it's something that they only put up with and wish would go away.

Look at the big picture and consider your wife's feelings and interests.

[NicoleScott]

"All I want to do is share it with her".

Apparently, that makes one of you.
I'm with Krisi on this. This is your interest. Thank goodness my wife doesn't require me to share her interest in Housewives of Wherever or Harlequin Romances. Separate interests make our common interests even better.
To me, crossdressing is personal. My wife knows but has no interest in participating. Maybe it's my inability to understand, but I can't imagine my crossdressing pleasure and satisfaction being dependent on anyone else.
Perhaps you need to go it alone and find crossdressing enjoyment without her involvement.

[Teresa]

Mitzy,
Most of us have been through this, your wife now has many more things to juggle now, we all have to accept we don't come top of the list anymore. her priority is her children now, it's only natural, she has rethought sex , it has changed for her, I would doubt the menopause is a problem yet, your Cding needs are going to need a rethink, the boundaries have changed.
It may be a good idea to think about your CDing and what it means to you, if it helps go for couselling, but don't pressurise your wife with things that she doesn't understand until you have it clear in your own mind, she will want stability now not instability !
There are literally hundreds of threads in the archives that carry the same message but you still have to choose what works for you .

[Mitzy]

Hi Michelle-

No, I've never actually "dressed up" - but there was a point in time when I surprised her by wearing a thong while we were dating. She didn't think anything of it, but shortly thereafter was when I wrote to her and told her. I kick myself now, because I feel like I should have talked to her about it in person. The other two girlfriends I had in the past I told in person, and I think that had a lot to do with their being good with it.

I do not believe my wife is gay - she's never shown any interest in that arena. Although, she has met a TG recently, and expressed how "cute" they looked. Which confused, and frustrated the heck of out me.

As I said, not looking to get dressed up to go out on the town anymore - I feel a little old for that, especially since I'm a Dad now. If my wife expressed an interest in getting dressed up as a guy, I would support her, and help her, because I know that feeling. But I know where you are coming from in relating to something that is uncomfortable for her.

[Krisi]

" If my wife expressed an interest in getting dressed up as a guy, I would support her, and help her, ..............."

That's easy enough for us to say, after all, we are crossdressers ourselves. I have serious doubts that the average man would feel that way.

[Amy Lynn3]

I agree with Billy. Hire a sitter for the kids or send them off to grandmothers house. Make the day just for your wife and nobody else. If you want to dress up, do it for her. Rent a policeman uniform and after a day/night on the town dress up and pretend she has broken a law and arrest her. You get the picture. Make date nights every week, just for her and see if life does not change for you. Women do have many changes in life, but much starts in the heart. Just fill her heart with love for being all the good things you said about her.

To be honest....I would count my blessings to have a woman like yours. I know that is hard for you to understand at this point, but take it form one who has had much worse. Just remember to make your marriage about her and the family and in my opinion cding should take a backseat to that.

[Mitzy]

Thank you everyone - I've battled with myself on doing much of what a lot of you are leaning toward - which is backing off.

It's difficult though, when I get the urge I have even tried to simplify, i.e. : all she'd have to do is send me a text of what she needs done in the house, and what to wear - but it seems even that is hard for her.

She does have a stress issue, so I'm convinced that is a large part of it, combined with the kids, etc.

Counseling: I would not be comfortable talking about those desires with another party. It's just too private to me.

And no, I haven't considered being a "Guy" - or "Manly Man" for her - that's just not who, or what I am (and no, I'm not outwardly femme... -at least not that I know of?). She's dated "Manly" guys, and got very sick of the testosterone. She has expressed that I am exceptional, and nothing like she's ever experienced before -which is a good thing

I have wondered about hypnosis -but not "making" her do anything she doesn't want to do obviously. Just something that would relax her, so she's not so stressed out about everything. Sometimes she can't stop talking about stuff from either work, or other friend's issues, etc. She sometimes gets so worked up about things that don't relate to her, all I want to do is put my hand over her mouth and say "STOP - it's not your problem!".

Anyway, thank you for all your words of advice, and thoughts - nice to vent little and know I'm not the only one out there experiencing this

[JocelynJames]

I get what your saying. Some days my wife has zero interest, other days she goes with the flow. I offer help on everything and it helps alleviate her work load and stress and in turn she does have more energy for the "other stuff". But more so now dressing is the norm and I don't always need her to play, but the compliments and comments feed my brain and she knows that's what I need- the acceptance

[Laurana]

Hi Michelle-

I do not believe my wife is gay - she's never shown any interest in that arena.

And that's why she has ignored all your role playing ideas. She has no interest in having sex with you while you wear womens clothes.

Although, she has met a TG recently, and expressed how "cute" they looked. Which confused, and frustrated the heck of out me.

Just because she said another TG looked cute doesn't mean she wants you to be the same way.

If my wife expressed an interest in getting dressed up as a guy, I would support her, and help her, because I know that feeling. But I know where you are coming from in relating to something that is uncomfortable for her.

That's easy to say now. Because let's face it, women have been putting on suits and ties and wearing jeans and t-shirts for a long time now.

But I'd be willing to bet that it wouldn't be so easy for you to say that if she wanted to take that male role into the bedroom and be the one giving not receiving.



As for being too old, well there are plenty of old girls on here.

[Stephanie47]

My feelings are similar to Krisi's (#15) and Nicole's (#16). Decades ago my wife and I dabbled with lingerie in the bedroom. We went shopping for nylon nightgowns for me, and, she bought me hosiery and a garter belt. It was not an all the time thing. When my interests expanded into slips and then a bra; a vivid red Vanity Fair bra with matching tap panties, her attitude changed. It was no longer "kinky" bedroom play, but, something more. She changed her mind. I tried nudging her to accept more of me. But, alas, I finally realized what I was doing was akin to "mental spousal abuse." For the last thirty years it has been DADT and strictly a "private affair." My wife even told me, if I wanted to join a support group, that was alright with her. It was a sincere offer, but, there were no support groups in my area back in the 1980's.

If you continue to "badger" your wife, she is going to totally shutdown. It is obvious to most of us, she has no interest in participating in crossdressing activities, and, your fantasies. I think your image and her image of her man attired as a "maid" conflicts. It's a great fantasy. However, if her mind is not into it, she going to think you're ridiculous. I strongly suggest you back off. If you don't you're digging a psychological hole for yourself. The more you pester her, the greater your angst will be. It is expressed all the time on the forum....the man cannot become the woman often enough and his stress level incrreases.

Women have a right to change their minds. Men have a right to increase their level of activity. But, that's where the conflict arises. You want more, and, she wants less or nothing to do with it. She may have seemed to exude some level of acceptance in the past by buying clothing for you or not objecting to some low level crossdressing activity. However, as you up the ante, she is shutting down.

Stop the badgering and pushing. Cross dressing is your thing, not her thing.

[Sky]

all she'd have to do is send me a text of what she needs done in the house, and what to wear - but it seems even that is hard for her.

(...)

She does have a stress issue, so I'm convinced that is a large part of it, combined with the kids, etc.

(...)

Counseling: I would not be comfortable talking about those desires with another party. It's just too private to me.

(...)

I have wondered about hypnosis -but not "making" her do anything she doesn't want to do obviously. Just something that would relax her, so she's not so stressed out about everything. Sometimes she can't stop talking about stuff from either work, or other friend's issues, etc. She sometimes gets so worked up about things that don't relate to her, all I want to do is put my hand over her mouth and say "STOP - it's not your problem!"

Can I play amateur therapist? (well, what else is this forum for anyway?)

You write "she this, she that". Any two bit therapist (I'm at least a three and a half) will tell you to stop that and go for "I". Nagging over a laundry list of things "she" does is a pretty destructive behavior. What are you doing for her? What does she want from you? Do you know what she wants? Does she know how you feel? Since you won't talk to a third party, do you talk to her, as in talking AND listening, not venting?

One last comment about the "put your hand over her mouth" thingy: short of drenching her in blood, Carrie-style, that must be the quickest way to an ugly divorce.