That was the point of my post.Originally Posted by Jenniferathome
That was the point of my post.
I totally agree with MelanieAnne.
I did it the wrong way. But it was going to happen. I didn't have thus resource before I told my wife of DonnaS.
Although I do respect your emotional response to this (because I believe no one can dismiss what an individual feels), I have to call you out on this being a first world problem. Is your man good to you? Is he good to his kids and your kids? Does he have a job? Does he treat you well (paying for half of your Porsche)? Get over your preconceived notions about what makes a man or a woman and concentrate on what makes a good human being. That alone can be a turn on and a love multiplier.
^and here we go!
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Obviously you didn't take it coming out well, and obviously you didn't tell him that it did because you two went shopping and what not. I'm pretty young but I can try to give the best advice that I can.
1. Look at it from his side. This could be a sexual fantasy but it may not, most CDers do not (or from what I've have noticed) do this for that reason. But also see this, coming out as a crossdresser can be big for someone. They don't want to be rejected or labeled gay or trans, which more times than not they are neither. So see this a big sign of trust and wants to share it with you, please know this. This probably is really big and awkward fro him too.
2. Talk to him, this may sound corny or very basic, but really you guys need to talk. You two are married, I'm not married so I don't know or act like I know much about a marriage. But a marriage is two people putting their trust, faith and everything you got into that other person. So you two should be able to talk about anything at anytime. But tell him at this makes you uncomfortable, you're going to have to at some point or it's just going to make things worse. You should tell him you're going to be okay if he does it, but he needs to do it slowly and gradually so you can get comfortable with it. Support him! You're married to him that what you need to do.
Well I can't 100% say he's not gay, I don't know him. But I'm going to assume he's not because he's married to you. This doesn't 100% say he's not gay but odds are he's not gay. Most people who do crossdress aren't gay. I'm not, completely heterosexual.
Does he want to live like a woman? Well like I said I can't say no at 100% because I don't know him. But most crossdressers don't want to live as a woman, some would like to dress as and woman all the time and probably even less take on female roles without being trans. But this is another thing you should talk about with him.
Well do the kids know? If not, then tell him what you feel about letting the kids know. If it's okay for them to know or not. If they do if it's okay for him to cross in front of them or not. Also if they do know, talk to the kids about it.
What if other people found out? Well, I can't answer that. I wouldn't be going around and tell your friends and neighbors. He might not want other people to know, so don't tell others. If he wants other people to know he will make that decision for himself. Most CDers are good at hiding that they cross, but if someone did find out I can't say this or this would happen because I don't know. Depends on the people.
Please know this needs to be addressed to him, talk it out and figure it out. But do not shame him for it. Yeah buying a really expensive dress was not the best thing he could do but that's on him and you need to tell him about that too.
You have to be odd to be number one. ~ Dr. Seuss
There's probably not really much I can add which hasn't already been said. First, no I don't believe that he's gay, nor transgender and more than likely doesn't want to remain permanently feminine all the time, and that he doesn't want to become a woman for real. That's not why most guys do it and if he's still just as affectionate to you still (or maybe more so) that pretty much nails his heterosexuality right there. That's what is probably your main concern over with first. Besides, many guys love the idea of two women in bed together so there's that kink. If he can't have two women, then become that second woman, haha. Well it's true. But you would of course have to be fine with that, but then if he isn't gay which we strongly suspect he isn't, then it equally means that it doesn't make you gay that you have a thing for women if you accept him dressing up too.
Maybe just look on the clothes and makeup as just clothes and makeup, and not necessarily define it as only a female thing. It's kinda like saying that women shouldn't be allowed to enjoy a pint of ale, hold certain job positions or enjoy playing certain sports like football (international and American), rugby or boxing, that would be equally deemed as sexist. Besides, the British aristocratic noblemen way back in the 17th and 18th century wore makeup and dressed rather effeminately. Straight actors use makeup all the time, and just like them he is also more than likely just roleplaying. Guys I believe were even the first to wear corsets. I guess after that changed, we still haven't gotten got past Victorian values and expectations.
Although my girlfriend doesn't know about my CD'ing and I'm unsure how she'd react to it, she quite often wears men clothes because she finds them more practical for her. Deeper pockets in mens jeans for instance. I actually find nylon pantyhose stockings practical as it seems to really help lessen my urticaria skin problem, I don't get so many unbearably itchy rashes. But I won't be wearing them when I see her next, as I said she doesn't know. If I told anyone this, people would probably still label me as gay, or a sexually deviant pervert making excuses. They're just clothes though, doesn't mean I'm going to jump out of bushes and attack anyone. Women can get away with wearing just about any menswear, we can't with female clothes. They can get away with being masculine but it's taboo for us to have any feminine qualities.
Of course I'm not blaming you in anyway. It's naturally a shock that you're seeing a whole different person that's more commonly seen as female traits. I just believe men has some unfair expectations and limits pushed on them which women do not have. But it might help you to rationalise the pressure on always being and having to feel to be the alpha male dominant provider always dressing in drab without that small indulgence only women are allowed to have (for some reason), which he might feel. I dress to totally get away from being my usual drab day to day self and the realities of what is expected of me as a male, pure escapism maybe. Wearing jeans all the time also gets a little scratchy anyway and men's fashion is bloody boring, far more limited with not much diversity. Why can nylon stockings only feel great for women, and not for guys? Is it something to do with the material which prevents us or is it just male expectations? Of course it's the latter. I don't believe clothes define sexuality or gender, it always changes, like I said it was considered perfectly normal throughout history. Well, maybe a bra is a little different as it's primarily a "practical" female thing, but then hasn't anyone ever heard of manboobs? :P
Well, I sincerely hope you both can work through this, that we may have helped you see things a little differently. Sometimes guys just feel a need to let go, even by just a little more "harmless" fashion options in their lives just to break away from the more limited male expectations a bit. I hope you can both come to some sort of compromise which you are both perfectly happy and comfortable with. It would be a shame if this wrecks what you both have due to a misunderstanding. Good luck.
Last edited by Kimberley May; 01-22-2016 at 01:13 AM. Reason: I confuse myself, and probably others too.
Gurlz they wanna have fu'hun. Oh gurlz just wanna have fu'hun x
The point of what everyone is saying is:
We don't know how he feels. And, neither do u.
We know how u feel. But, he doesn't.
U both must communicate with each other honestly,calmly, and directly ASAP! The longer u wait, the more u damage yourself and the relationship.
Couples that can't or won't communicate that way can get proffessional help to learn how. Without that kind of communication u won't be a happy couple!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Hi Browneyed,
I know you are getting loads of advice here, but just though I would share some facts about me (I have also just had a bit of wine).
I am not Gay, I have no desire for or want to be with a man, I love women.
I am married and absolutely love my wife, I love my kids and would burn all the feminine stuff I had to protect them if I needed to.
I'm not a manly man, being an office worker and not the type to work on cars etc but love going to sporting events, beer with the boys etc (if only they knew haha)
I enjoy cross dressing, I under dress most days. My wife knows and has done since before we married 21 years ago. For me this is my "hobby" my wife doesn't share in it and aside from the underdressing I never go out with her dressed, she does help me buy underwear though
Just thought I would share what the CD thing is to me as this may also apply to your hubby.
All the best.
Best thing to do is ASK HIM the questions that you have.
Our speculations are not going to get you the answers you need.
Hi Brown-eyed,
Don't have any advice for you as it has already been given, and very well I might add.
Your post is very heartfelt and illustrates in a detailed manner the way a typical SO feels when she finds out and her man thinks she is okay with it. Yours should be a great post for those seeking to come out to their SO and will most likely prevent the consternation and frustration you are going through for other women.
It is easy to take things too far way too fast once the lid is off and the pot didn't boil over.
Writing this probably won't make you feel any better, but it may help others. I hope the best for you two and that you come to some common ground. His desire won't just go away and resentment can happen very quickly if you just shut him off, but a DADT situation sounds like the way to go.
My wife let me do some things for a while, quite a while, before she had had enough and went ballistic on me. The result was that it was harder for me to reign in my freedom than it would have been if she had shut me off in the beginning. It also caused me shame and guilt for making her feel bad when I thought she was doing fine. It has taken some time, but we seem to have an understanding now.
Good luck in the future.
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