The Struggle Awakens (did it ever go away?)

[dreamer_2.0]

Please accept my apologies for not the most positive rant.

I've been making good progress over the last year; allowing myself more permission to be me. My support net is growing. It's amazing to have so many people know about me and still have them around cheering me on. This is something many of us don't get, so I am grateful and feel very fortunate to have their support.

Yet, despite feeling like progress is being made, despite the positive cheers from others, I've fallen several steps backward. Dark, destructive thoughts have crept up and are roaring with an intense ferocity rivalling the time before HRT.

I hate this in-between stage. I'm not Him, but I'm not Holly either. I feel torn in two different directions. There is still so much of Him around and I feel overwhelmed. My brain is being gravitated to old beliefs such as: Holly isn't real, I'm a man and will always be, this is a pointless journey with no chance of actually achieving happiness and peace.

Looking in the mirror is a daily crap shot. Will I like what I see today? Will I see a glimpse of Holly? Or, will I only see a slightly feminized Him with atrocious hair after my transplant surgery.

I've slipped back into some old behaviours such as cursing ciswomen under my breath. The feeling of being cursed with GD runs rampant and my brain seems to think outwardly protecting my frustrations will help.

I'm not strong enough for all this. I thought I was. I thought I was making tremendous progress, but inner turmoil persists violently. It's so fortunate my external support is as wonderful as it is because my inner support is the lowest it's been in months. If I were additionally facing external conflict, like others on this forum, I feel I would almost certainly cave and self-destruct.

I need to get back to therapy. It's been a couple months since my last session. I've been trying to do things on my own, but am clearly failing.

I need help.

I need help seeing Holly and that she is indeed real and possible beyond a slightly feminized dude.

I need help getting away from deeply rooted beliefs that I'm just a man and will always be one; happiness isn't possible.

I need help not caring so much about the opinion of others.

I need help not comparing myself to others.

I need help learning how to do things for myself and to stop wallowing in self-pity.

I need help picking myself back up.

I thought I had moved passed these struggles. I worked with my therapist and friends and started to see a pinhole of light at the end of the tunnel. But after being on HRT this long and still seeing myself and feeling so trapped in His life, the struggles and old beliefs have come back with a vengeance.

I almost feel like I've fallen back to the beginning of my journey.

I want peace.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You can do this.

I have been in your place...circumstances were my own, but the ups and downs, the fears, the shame, the stupid thinking processes i had built up over many years of self deceit...

its all familiar... and the sting of impossibility felt very real to me

but the huge message is that its not impossible...its a big mountain to climb but you are doing it day by day..

you already know the #1 real thing you must do as soon as you can...like today.... that's call the therapist and get back in....clearly you were creating valuable progress that was helping you..

you can do this...

if you have mental health issues along with GD (like me)...you do have to deal with them DIRECTLY... just like ANY OTHER WOMAN....
its no shock that good progress against GD can help cognitive problems that are not about the GD, and its no shock those problems can resurface as your identity grows...


i hope you can accept a virtual hug and kick in the tail to call the therapist... you need some bits of progress...thats really all you need...one step forward can really make all the difference in the world.

[dreamer_2.0]

Thank you, Kaitlyn. I have called the therapist and an appointment has been made...for Feb 11. That's a long time to wait when I'm feeling so down, but the appointment is made and will arrive.

[MissDanielle]

Hang in there!

[Eringirl]

Ya, hang in there Holly. You can do this. I (and probably several others hers) have been where you are, and if I can do it, anyone can. I agree, get back to therapy for sure. And stay with it if you can. For me, the thing with therapy is that it is often still helpful when you don't think you need it. It is sorta like taking antibiotics. They start working after a few days, you feel better, and stop taking them instead of completing the full 10 or 14 day prescription. Then, lo and behold, you get sick again. Sometimes it is like that with therapy. I am doing relatively well with my transition, but still go every month, and we always find something to talk about that I find challenging. She really drills down to make sure I am okay. So we talk it out, and I keep going.

So, hang in there until Feb 11, keep posting here.....we will all listen, try to find a few things every day that make you smile, even the smallest and simplest of things, and focus on them. ...and think about continuing with therapy if you can swing it.

PM me anytime if you like.

Take care,

[Jennifer-GWN]

Holly;

Yes indeed the in between zone sucks and it's a test to our mental and intestinal strength. Know that your support network goes well beyond your local community. I know I have my daily struggles with a number of aspects of my transition but at the same time shining moments that over shadow them. Not because they +'s are that outstanding but they are confirmation of positive steps forward vs barriers to success. As we all know we are our worst critic, the processes never moves quick enough, and many aspects are to a degree out our control.

Hold tight to the little victories and moments while slaying the demons that are holding you back.

A big hug to you from my side.

Cheers... Jennifer

[pamela7]

Oh my, Holly, remember you're not alone in the world, there are many of us in this situation, many have not found this site, nor the solace it can bring, if you want to chat, PM.
xxx Pamela

[Bria]

Holly, I'm sorry to hear that you are at a low point, I think that you have received good advice from others, I'll remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[becky77]

Tough times Holly, this is transition though.
I remember thinking and saying some of that stuff, I especially remember thinking I'm not strong enough.
Try to think of this as a marathon, you just have to keep ploughing on and one day you will hit that finishing line.

I bet the hair is a major trigger? was/is for me.
I feel I have successfully put GD to bed but now I have to face the body issues and work on self belief.

I'm full-time almost a year already but I still consider myself in transition, there are certain things I still need to do to feel I can accept myself.
Trachea shave.
SRS.
wait out the hair transplant growth to go without a wig.
Not have to shave my face.
Possibly a BA.

It's all well and good being a woman to Joe public, but it's when you are naked in front of that mirror and still see a woman it's job done!
I feel like I'm starting to see the potential but the wait is frustratingly long.

You have to hang in there and believe, but it still requires therapy as we have to temper our expectations with what is realistic.
I'm always going to be a 6ft woman with large feet, no miracle is coming to change that.

If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

Do you have a rough date in mind for full-time?

One step forward, two steps back. Feels like that sometimes yet you are making progress.

[hope springs]

Holly..
What you see in the mirror is a woman. Not all she can be but on her way. Do NOT assume whats in that mirror is anything but a woman. The fact your not happy with it means your like every other woman on the planet. We are our own worst enemy. Wonder what this journey is about? Its about being you.. Flaws and all.

Much love girl

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hang in there Holly. All of your feeling, doubts and challenges are ones that I have certainly felt on and off. Except I guess I have not cursed any ciswomen lately (other than the ex-wife). I think it goes with the territory around here that sometimes it is really tough to look in the mirror and experience that feminine appearance that we desire. I have no illusions but sometimes I look in the mirror and am thrilled to the see the women I desire to be but then on other days I just see an old worn out guy looking back. I think it is natural to experience cycles of self doubt contrasting those periods of confident expectation of improvement in our lives.

Sometimes it is just the feeling that hey, I am not fooling anyone else within a 10 ft radius of my head so why the hell am I fooling myself? Then I remind myself that the fooling of myself is what the first 65 years of my life was all about and now I am being honest with my gender presentation for the first time in my life. Fact is it will take some time to shed all of that male baggage, ain't going to happen as quickly as I would like and the process is not pretty sometimes. I have come to understand that transitioning takes tremendous courage and determination and then most difficult to accept of all it takes time, way too much damn time. I am just a beginner compared to you in this process but I can imagine the frustration and doubt to come when things don't change fast enough after all of the effort and money spent.

And hey, I am jealous of your youth and your hair transplant but I am not cursing you LOL! (I am pretty sure my chrome dome is too far gone for a hair transplant).

Like I said Holly, hang in there, give yourself a break and give yourself time for this important part of your life.

Hugs,
Stephanie








I am way behind you in transition

[Suzanne F]

Holly
I am full time but am still in between as far as my appearance. I see myself changing but of course it isn't fast enough! I see my therapist twice a month no matter what. I suffer from bi polar disorder and am subject to low points. I take my medicine and exercise. We can transition and be mentally healthy! Hang in there and keep taking small steps.
Suzanne

[dreamer_2.0]

Thank you so kindly everyone for your support and warm words. I've read each of the replies a few times, and will likely continue to do so.

[Krististeph]

You want some kung fu? Take two long slow deep breaths. 30 seconds each, at least.

The wisest advice I ever got. Repeat once if desired.


Next: This is a paraphrase of something my teacher did with me:

Think of something very female. For a minute. Now think of something very male.

Now real quick: What is better for you? This is the most important part: Write it down. 30 words or so, at least.

this is a simple exercise. It offers no grand result, no huge benefit. Spend 15-30 minutes reflecting on what you wrote. Spend the time/effort to slow your thinking and calm your mind. Just try it, it's easier than you may imagine.

This is the upshot- everything you do or don't do is yours to control. If you try this, it can only help, it cannot hurt you in any way.

Angry/hard/upset thinking is normal and it happens to all people. The more you write it out and examine it, the better you will feel, and the better you will be able to process all the changes you are going through.

Personally, it sounds like what you are gong through sucks, and i would not offer to swap places with you. I'm selfish and a chicken: no hero: no guru. But i WILL listen to anything you want to say.

Just take two long slow deep breaths- this shit does work. 40 years proof. And talk. To yourself, to me, to your friends, therapist, pet vicuna, stuffed frog, reflection in the mirror. Communicate.

ball is in your court- don't chicken out- get mad- get in my face- tell me off if you want. But do say something substantive, you will only benefit and feel better for it. We love that you posted and poured your heart out. That takes guts and trust. And we'll reply in the best intention, you are one of us.

Lord help you with that... :-)

[dreamer_2.0]

Tough times Holly, this is transition though.

Yeah, it certainly is. I decided to drop down into the rabbit hole and accept what I find....there's still a slight chance of whining though, that's probably a given however.

I remember thinking and saying some of that stuff, I especially remember thinking I'm not strong enough.

I'm confused by strength. I believe I can be anything I want to be and have the strength to do so, but I often think to myself that I don't want to be strong. That seems like a bizarre thought, who actually doesn't want to be strong? Why would I not want strength in life, especially this life? Perhaps it's because I tried to be strong for so long by fighting my GD that now I've just about given up? Is it laziness? Depression? Apathy? A life hindering doubt that Holly is actually real? The session with my therapist is definitely needed, no arguments there.

I bet the hair is a major trigger? was/is for me.

Ugh. Yes, my hair is definitely a trigger. My whole body is a trigger, it seems. Forget the external triggers in the world, my body is its own trigger that never leaves me alone. Having said that however, there is thankfully some good. My hair, while still thin and no transplants results yet (I know it's still too early), it still makes me smile. I love feeling it shake with my head, or that I can see it hanging in front of my face when I look down. I love brushing and playing with it, hell I even love fighting with it when it just won't cooperate. There's all these little silly "hair games" that girls played that I could never join before this. Games like "cleaning out the hair brush", "who's long hair is that?", and one of my new fav's, "mouthful of hair while eating".

Despite the triggers, I can't ignore the good.

It's all well and good being a woman to Joe public, but it's when you are naked in front of that mirror and still see a woman it's job done!

Naked in front of the mirror. Easily one of my biggest triggers...

I feel like I'm starting to see the potential but the wait is frustratingly long.

Heh. At 19 months on HRT, I expected to be full-time long before this. HRT has been far slower and passive than I expected. The wait is indeed frustratingly long...

If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

This only makes sense. Yet deceptively hard to put into practice.

Do you have a rough date in mind for full-time?

Nothing concrete, however as hiding my chest under sweaters was quite uncomfortable last summer, I'd prefer not to have to do that again. So, based on that, I'm currently aiming for early summer...assuming I can actually make eyeliner look good, that is.

Holly..
What you see in the mirror is a woman. Not all she can be but on her way. Do NOT assume whats in that mirror is anything but a woman..........Wonder what this journey is about? Its about being you.. Flaws and all.

Thank you, hope springs. I should print this off and tape it to the mirror and recite it daily.

Hang in there Holly. All of your feeling, doubts and challenges are ones that I have certainly felt on and off......I am just a beginner compared to you in this process but I can imagine the frustration and doubt to come when things don't change fast enough after all of the effort and money spent.

Thank you for your kind post, Stephanie. It's nice to hear others having similar struggles, not because I want you all to struggle, far from it, it's just a nice reminder that i'm not alone. This is something many others have said, and I never tire of hearing it after feeling so alone for so many years.

It's funny to have someone say they're a beginner compared to me in this process since I feel like such a baby still. But I guess I have done a lot in my transition so far when I think back on it. You are right though, when things don't change fast enough after all the time, effort, money and pain spent, it can really be disheartening. But thinking back to earlier in my response to Becky, there is absolutely some good that has appeared over my journey so far.

You want some kung fu? Take two long slow deep breaths. 30 seconds each, at least.

The wisest advice I ever got. Repeat once if desired.................And talk. To yourself, to me, to your friends, therapist, pet vicuna, stuffed frog, reflection in the mirror. Communicate.

ball is in your court- don't chicken out- get mad- get in my face- tell me off if you want. But do say something substantive, you will only benefit and feel better for it. We love that you posted and poured your heart out. That takes guts and trust. And we'll reply in the best intention, you are one of us.

Interesting exercise, i will try it out.

Talking with people is typically no problem. I've been fortunate with having a wonderful, and growing, support net. There are challenges speaking about this stuff with cis-folk though which is why I'm thankful for this forum where I can type my guts out, vent and get advice from people who actually understand. I've never met any of you on here, beyond a couple Skype sessions, yet I know that many of you understand where I'm coming from, some are starting down the path, others are in the middle like me, and others are so far ahead but willing to share their knowledge. I may not always agree with various statements but I appreciate having a place to share and discuss them.

I am one of you...but I am also Holly.