Questions About Talking With Your SO

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Communication = closeness.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to tell my wife everything-

- the art is in knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

[Katey888]

Coincidentally I came across something that speaks volumes to me and has put it into words much more succinctly than I could hack around for half a day. It's from a site called "The Book of Life" and was highlighted by audreyinalbany (nice one Audrey! ) in this thread in Media: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post3887968
I was intrigued by the site and reading around, it's deeper and more tolerant view of relationships and the flaws that persist to require compromise rather than the more Disneyfied view that sometimes persists here. Here's example quote that struck the chord:

We’ve collectively given ourselves a deeply problematic Romantic picture of what good relationships should be like: we dream of profound intimacy, satisfying sex, an absence of secrets and only a modicum of conflict. This faith in love is touching, but it carries with it a tragic flaw: having high expectations can turn out to be an enemy of workable mature relationships. We are instead drawn to what we’ve called a Classical approach. The Classical view is cautious about love. Classical people pay special attention to what can go wrong around others. Before condemning a relationship, they consider the standard of partners across society and may regard a current arrangement as bearable, under the circumstances. This view of people is fundamentally, but usefully, dark. Everyone is ultimately deeply troubled and hard to live with. The only people whom one can think of as normal are those one doesn’t yet know very well.
http://www.thebookoflife.org/tsol-what-we-believe/

That speaks a lot to me - and no, I am not about to air the dirty laundry of my relationship here simply to be sure that others cannot obtain satisfaction in gloating over the detail... By all means be happy over the feeling that you have broadcast your perfect (but often anonymous) relationship, but I'll be happy to live with the satisfaction of knowing that, however many flaws I may be carrying, there is as much honesty in acknowledging my imperfections as there is in your belief that you have eradicated them.

Katey x

[Teresa]

Katey,
Thanks for digging that one out, maybe I'm not such a bad person after all ! The last line has to be tattooed on something , never to be forgotten !
Anyone who doesn't come to the table with problems can't be trusted because they are just not being truthful !

[sarahcsc]

Nadine,

My family was very dysfunctional too and communication broke down before everybody resented each other.

Looking back in hindsight, I realized the need for better communication but at the same time realized that the tragedy of my family was inevitable. My family was largely uneducated, poor, and old fashioned. Communication skills were underdeveloped and communication itself frowned upon. They lived in a culture where people believed "action spoke louder than words" and by extension, one with words is one without actions.

Communication is also very much hindered by our own personal feelings. The reason why we always ended up shouting at each other because everybody felt defensive to everything everybody has to say. Nobody had the emotional equanimity to understand the words being said without taking it too personally.

I believe to tell another person "all" our secrets is literally impossible. We must look behind the meaning of it when our partners demand utter openness and honesty.

I for example felt that I was very open and honest with my ex but was taken back when she described me as a secretive person with many hidden affairs.

The truth was, there were facts about me that I wouldn't mind sharing with her provided if she asked or if I felt it was important enough to disclose. They weren't closely guarded secrets per se.

But partners demand openness mostly because they lack trust. That is, they don't trust you because they don't know you enough. It is the same suspicion any businessman would share when faced with a deal too good to be true.

I'm not saying it isn't important to be open and honest with your partner, but the next time he/she demands more openness, we should always ask who is at fault.

Do I tell my girlfriend everything? Why, yes. To best of my capabilities. But the more secrets I poured, the more suspicious she became of me. Rather than building trust, she became weary. Everytime I mentioned something about my past, let it be good or bad, she would react with fear instead of curiosity, thinking "Oh God, what secret is (s) he hiding now?".

It isn't easy to establish effective communication. We need the tools that language offers, and the wisdom to hold our tongue when necessary.

And last but not least, being utterly honest with your partner does not guarantee happiness nor the preservation of your relationship. So just be careful what you wish for. Lol.

Love,
S

[Nadine Spirit]

Sounds great in theory, Nadine, but I'd love to hear your thoughts about how to deal with an SO who is ....

Hi Leslie - Since you asked for my thoughts on your situation..... 1 - I probably would not have a SO who is as you described. 2 - If for some reason I was in a relationship such as you described, I believe in the theory of mindset put forth by Carol Dweck. Which basically means that anyone is capable of changing their views. Thus, most likely I would be persistent in my attempts to communicate with such a person. Which is essentially what happened with my wife and I. I was simply more persistent than her.

...By all means be happy over the feeling that you have broadcast your perfect (but often anonymous) relationship, but I'll be happy to live with the satisfaction of knowing that, however many flaws I may be carrying, there is as much honesty in acknowledging my imperfections as there is in your belief that you have eradicated them.

Katie - being as you did not address your comments to anyone in particular, I will assume, being as I began this thread, when you state "you" you are referring to me. Thus, I am not quite sure where in what I wrote, you got that I have "broadcast my perfect relationship." It must be that you perceive a relationship that has open honest communication as somehow being perfect. Furthermore somehow you seemed to think that I have a belief that I have "eradicated all imperfections within myself." Wow, did I touch a nerve with my post? Because I honestly do not see at all how with what I wrote you seemed to think that I think I have eradicated any imperfections.

Actually, what I wrote was simply trying to say - hey this is what works for me, but I understand that is not the only way for relationships to work. So can you please describe for me how your particular relationship works, because I would love to learn about what works for others. If you are not interested in describing for me what works for you and why it does, then that is fine, but I really don't understand the need to attack me. Well unless of course something I said makes you feel threatened. If so, that is a bummer; I was really just asking a question and had said repeatedly that I am really trying to not be judgmental of anyone.

Bummer that is not what you got from what I wrote as I am very much interested in learning how different types of relationships can actually work, even though they may be out of the norm of what is shown to us in the media as a supposed ideal.

...the meaning of it when our partners demand utter openness and honesty...

...But partners demand openness mostly because they lack trust...

...the next time he/she demands more openness, we should always ask who is at fault...

... being utterly honest with your partner does not guarantee happiness nor the preservation of your relationship. So just be careful what you wish for.

Hi Sarah - I quoted some of the things you stated as I find it interesting that much of what you wrote has to do with demanding something from a partner. Personally I demand nothing from my partner in terms of honesty. It is something that I demand of myself.

As well.... nothing guarantees happiness. But for me, in allowing myself to be honest, and knowing that the person I have disclosed my "secrets" to still accepts me is incredibly freeing and has brought me great joy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

For anyone else still reading this thrilling thread - I am not trying to gloat, or present my relationship as some sort of ideal situation. I am simply trying to say, this is what works for me, and this is why it works for me, and my spouse. I am well aware that we are all different and can all exist in different situations, situations that I don't understand. So.... maybe it could help me to understand if you could explain it to me.

For example, awhile back I read of someone who stated that they had an open relationship and many of you just told that person to go work on their marriage, even though the wife had recently divulged being asexual. Instead of saying that you didn't understand that, and would like some explanation on how a relationship like that works, many of you just flamed them and insisted they needed to stop looking for other partners and go seek marriage counseling.

Or how about the husband and wife who sleep in different rooms from each other. I don't understand it, but for some that clearly works.

There are many ways that two people can peacefully coexist with each other. What is the right way? The way that works for you and your SO.

Instead of getting bothered by what I write, maybe you could just help educate the ignorant (me) and explain how it works for you.

[~Joanne~]

1 - Do you regularly engage your SO in conversations about anything and everything?

Now, Yes. The only thing that I have ever felt I couldn't tell her was about the dressing itself but now that the cat came out of the bag three years ago, there is no reason to not have open and honest conversations. Not that I wasn't honest about everything BUT the CDing.

[S. Lisa Smith]

So for clarity here are my questions:
1 - Do you regularly engage your SO in conversations about anything and everything?
2 - Why or why not?

1. I do. She is my best friend. That being said, we were married about 20 years before I told her I was a crossdresser. Other than that little thing ("Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"...)we have been open and honest with each other from our first day of marriage.

2. I didn't tell her about my crossdressing because I was afraid. Other than that, she is my wife, we are partners and we need to talk about everything.

It seems to work, we have been married for over 40 years.

[mykell]

hi nadine,
your reputation precedes you in the "tell, dont tell" genre',
to answer the questions

1 - Do you regularly engage your SO in conversations about anything and everything?
i dont know, we communicate but there may be things that she does not discuss with me that she does with friends or colleges, never really thought to ask her. but we talk about whatever is brought up....

2 - Why or why not?
before i told of my dressing i felt that i was an exemplary husband, kind, loving, sense of humor, attentive, a decent fixer upper, i became a father and tried my best to be the best at it i could be but for my one foible .... by societies measures is was a lofty one.....family ridicule that i played dumb about as a coping mechanism, which later migrated to employment through the grapevines....i was growing up in a less tolerant time....i hid it from her as i thought i beat it....honest direct answer....i was terrified of losing the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.....

the main thing i dislike about those threads is we are in fact giving matrimonial advise to total strangers....without 1 ounce of knowledge of the situation or qualification....irresponsible for an unintentional result.....