Are there those here that are know inside they are really TS?

[Suzanne F]

As some of you know I began here about 2.5 years ago. In a very deep conversation with my wife I revealed something. She asked me if I wanted to be a woman and I said sometimes. I had only Dressed a few times in my life and was not a crossdresser. I found this site and my wife helped me dress one night that changed my life. I saw myself in the mirror. That lead to a beautiful and difficult journey. I am legally a woman, have been on HRT for 9 months, live 24/7 and will have SRS and BA on May 11th. Yes my wife and I are still together.

I would like to know how many of you feel inside that this is where you are headed. If so, what are your feelings? How many of you feel that you are TS but know you will never transition? I still love to read the posts in this section. I have many forum friends, both crossdressers and TS women, that I see on a regular basis. I will always be grateful that I had this site to come to when I started this journey. Dreams do come true!

Suzanne

[MissDanielle]

I am TS and I am going to start transitioning the moment I move in just over two weeks. Part of me has known since middle school. Raided my mom's closet a few times but that was the extent of things until this past November when things really began to surface again. I've reached the point in which guy clothes are completely unbearable and I'm going to fully come out as trans shortly after I move. And by after I move, I mean as soon as I get a job.

[AllieSF]

I am still figuring this out. I will not impede anything as it happens, but I will also not force or rush anything until the path is clear. All this is new to me, but I (and you) do know that I am more than a CD. Clarity is not easy at all for some late bloomers.

[Curiosity666]

For the longest time I had myself convinced I was "Just a crossdresser". I've never felt "dysphoria" or had any aversion to living as male. However coming out of a relationship and a few other life events have caused me to reevaluate, as well as provide a fair amount of freedom to dress. I concluded that I was actually afraid of the possibility of being transgender, and I cannot say for sure that I am not. This caused a shift in my thinking. I no longer fear that possibility, so I now label myself as questioning. I haven't been out in girl mode, and still have a lot of exploring to do in that regard. What I will do is explore my girl side thoroughly, and hopefully come to a conclusion as to whether I would want to transition or not. I don't really care which was the desicion goes, but I want to be able to say 100% either way, rather then living without knowing who I really am for sure.

[hope springs]

A good question in an appropriate place. For any SOs reading this, dont panic, most dressers are not TS. Having said that:
I have no idea if Im trans or not. Im leaning toward non-binary at this point and lean more toward the feminine. I started therapy last week and will continue until its all sorted out.
My feeling about it are just let it unfold organically. Everyone deserves to live authentically. If i am trans, i will get on low dose HRT to see how it affects me mentally. My wife does waver but is mostly very supportive.
Many trans persons are sure about transition. However there are a small percentage that struggle whether transition is right for them. So just be honest with yourself and dont fear the truth

[Robin414]

OMG, thank you for this post Suzanne! I'm somewhere in between myself and until recently the (gender) fluid was seriously pooling on the pink side but lately it's like the truck stopped accelerating and it's beginning to even out. Not sure if the driver is going to hit a red light and step on the blue pedal...and then stomp on the pink one again 😧

I should totally paint my brake pedal blue and the gas pink...hmmm, what about the clutch though 😂

[mechamoose]

Short answer: Yes.

Somewhat longer answer: It is complicated. I'm probably not the best member to help you.

TS/TG/Gayish.. all *very* blurry lines...

- MM

[Janet161]

Hi Suzanne. I know we have not spoken but I like your posts. I think you are a very sweet person. I know what and who I am. I am TS and it's very real and very serious. I have told my wife and, not surprisingly, she's not real happy about it.
I could not stand telling her that I just have to do this crossdressing thing to express my feminine side or some other minimization technique. I don't like hiding who I really am. I do that enough to the rest of the world, I just couldn't take doing it at home anymore.
I am sure that my situation is not unique here. I have made choices over the years and made commitments and created a life that demands that I keep my true self hidden from most of the world. Does that make me a big chicken? I am afraid it does. So I live with it. It's not a happy existence as many here know.
It's hard to share all these feelings with your spouse because the more you say about it, the more hurtful to her it can be. I do not think that crossdressing is an end in itself or my goal or the answer to my problems. It is a way of coping. A way to keep from losing it. I lost it bad last year and I am digging out from the hole I made. Getting dressed up and going out to an accepting club helps me cope. People say, I don't know why I crossdress. Well, I know exactly why I do it. It's my chance to express my true self. But I know it's only temporary.
Will I ever transition? Great question. I think that I will not. Do I wish that I would/could? Yes I do. I understand how hard it is. I admire you and other people who have done/are doing it.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm sort of on the opposite end of this. For years I thought that I was TS, but wouldn't ever transition because there simply wasn't any way in the world that I could ever be the woman I had wanted to be; I grew up an ugly, unattractive boy, and had experienced all the isolation that went along with that. Did I really want to spend the rest of my life as an unattractive mtf TS woman, and more of the same? Besides, the research hadn't been done yet, not enough information was available, to tell me that what I was feeling wasn't exactly the need to be female. All I knew was that I had grown up believing that I really was, and expected to become, a girl when I reached puberty. Everything I knew pointed to that. It all made sense. And yet, it was all based on misinterpretation of events, brought on by believing a lie told to me by someone else for his own gain. To the average person, it's impossible to describe why it felt so right when I dressed up completely as a girl, and embraced all the feelings and behaviors that I believed girls experienced. All brought on because that's what I thought I was supposed to feel. And that made it real to me. But it was the last part that kept me from doing it, from trying to pursue transitioning. The lack of attraction to men. I couldn't understand why it wasn't there. The 'lesbian in a man's body' concept just didn't make any sense to me. I knew lesbians, and they envied ME my access, as a straight guy, to the most beautiful girls (even though I didn't necessarily go out with them, the remote possibility was there, at least). The mystery gradually unfolded as I slowly discovered how women and men differ in the way we think and experience the world. By the time I came across the Pease's books which documented what I had suspected, I was pretty much convinced, but their research nailed it down. I wasn't a girl at all. All the early evidence I was sure of, was just used to support an erroneous hypothesis. In retrospect, I was fortunate that I had that one doubt, or I may have proceeded, and the severe gender dysphoria I felt might have made me lie my way through the approval process for HRT and SRS. I knew the answers that I would have been expected to give. And it makes me wonder, how many others have faked their way through it all because they really believed what they were doing was the right thing. It all came down to, would I have been happier as a female? I don't think so. Overall, it would simply have been an exchange of one set of problems for another. And as much as I've had periods where I felt very depressed, none of it was debilitating, and I had found ways to enjoy parts of my life even while having this odd uncomfortable feeling about what I was, always lingering in the background of my mind.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I am fixed (meaning I don't fluctuate) bigender (roughly 50/50). Because of this I do experience gender dysphoria but I also am comfortable in my male body. My personality, emotions, inside etc is completely mixed but my body is male so physically I don't get the balance that I need and CDing isn't quite enough. If I could magically pick but it had to be one body or the other I would choose female but in that case I would still be the roughly 50% male on the inside. The reason I would choose a female body would be for sexual/beauty/dressing purposes. I would just love to actually fit the female clothes I wear properly and wear them in public not as a CDer but as a woman. I would also love to enjoy sex as a female. In a female body I could still wear male clothes and look "great" in them and fit in with society still as a woman where in a male body I would not fit/blend in and would be looked at (including by me) as a CDer. Nothing wrong with being a CDer but I dress wishing to be a woman in the mirror not a CDer. Plus the fashion that I like does not blend in unless at something formal/sexy but in a womans body even if I didn't blend in it would be because I look good.

However the ultimate solution for me would be to be able to switch back and forth between bodies. I still definately enjoy sex as a man and like my look as a man in drab. Because I am a mix of both genders and I am for the half part comfortable in my male body, and also I feel that I was born into this body as a bigender/TG person for a reason, I do not feel that transition is right for me. Also I love being my gf's bf. Thus I am condemned to indefinate mild/medium gender dysphoria.

[Curiosity666]

If I could magically pick but it had to be one body or the other I would choose female but in that case I would still be the roughly 50% male on the inside. The reason I would choose a female body would be for sexual/beauty/dressing purposes.

I wonder though, if the reason that you say you would pick a female form is down the the "novelty factor". As you haven't truly experienced having a female body you feel like you want to try it out. However, maybe you would regret that in a few years and want to go back to having a male body?

[Jazzy Jaz]

I wonder though, if the reason that you say you would pick a female form is down the the "novelty factor". As you haven't truly experienced having a female body you feel like you want to try it out. However, maybe you would regret that in a few years and want to go back to having a male body?

I totally get what you're saying but I'm as certain as can be that I would enjoy a female body. Those aren't the only reasons why I would be comfortable being the opposite sex, they're just the most exciting ones. I know that there are not so fun things about being a biological woman but there are pros and cons of having a male body also and I surely know which one I would pick. However this is the body I was gifted and I'm half ok with that. I'm keeping in mind that at least I have a body and am therefore greatful and because I'm part male on the inside I can live with that. If I were TS then that might be a different story.

[ringo]

I have been dressing since my childhood. I thought i was just a crossdresser until recently : i feel more and more uncomfortable with male clothes and it even happened that i almost cried unpacking my luggage ^^" everytime i have to go outside and change to male clothes i feel terrible. Recently i have let my fem side express more and more. I don't know what it means. Wednesday i will join a support group to find out once and for all who i am and what i need

[steftoday]

Like Allie stated; I'm still trying to figure it out. I've felt "different" since about age 5. If I look deep down inside, I'd say "maybe so".

Janet61's post is pretty spot on, too. We make choices and commitments, and live with that path and those choices. In retrospect, sometimes I wish I could have taken a different path.

I hang out in the TS section, and I read all the posts there, (including you Suzanne). I admire these women so much, and am in awe of their courage and strength.

[becky77]

Hi Jennifer

I can't answer for Suzanne but for me it was a double edged sword.
In one way crossdressing allowed me a glimpse of who I felt I was inside, but on the other hand I think it made me feel worse.
I guess as TS the primary goal for Transition is to be authentic and one of the biggest driving factors for that was an end to all the hiding and pretending to be someone else.

It's one thing to hide your interest in female clothing it's so much more to hide your actual identity and personality.
I think we all understand the 'Need' to dress, by instead of a need to wear the clothes, my need was to be myself. Unfortunately the Crossdressing compounds the issue as I was left feeling hollow rather than enjoying it.

The reasons a TS and CD crossdress are wholly different, yet they appear the same. Born one gender wearing clothes of the opposite gender. It's this appearance of a link between the two that has so many TS think they are CDers initially.

[Jenniferathome]

Becky, so glad you jumped in. This, "...Unfortunately the Crossdressing compounds the issue as I was left feeling hollow rather than enjoying it." is kind of what I assumed it must be for you. OK, since I'm asking. I recall when you first joined. Did you "know" you were TS or were you in denial hoping you were "just a normal cross dresser"?

I'm glad you found your way, by the way!

[becky77]

I recall when you first joined. Did you "know" you were TS or were you in denial hoping you were "just a normal cross dresser"?

I best not say "Just a normal crossdresser" as someone always bashes me for it.

I always knew it was more than the clothes but the shame and plenty of denial kept me from looking for answers until it was too unbearable. I met plenty of crossdressers but it wasn't until I met a TS the penny dropped.
I was too busy trying to make being a man work, I came to the CD forum because that's the best I knew yet it never felt quite right, something was missing or I just couldn't relate.

[becky77]

Feminine:

1.having qualities or an appearance traditionally associated with women, especially delicacy and prettiness.

If a woman isn't feminine is she still a woman?
A man can be feminine and yet still be a man, being feminine is a personality trait not an identity in itself.

[Marcelle]

Hi Suzanne,

A bit late to the thread but since it is still active . . . well, I can't refuse a chance to write .

It is funny because you and I both landed on this site at roughly the same time and both identified as CD. We travelled slightly different paths but both ended up on the TS forum at different times. For me when I first came here, I was confused, afraid, slightly embarrassed and emotionally distraught . . . I needed something to latch on to and I found it through the wonderful responses . . . I was a cross dresser . . . others were like me and I found kinship. However, as time moved forward something was wrong, the clothing meant nothing it was a means to an end, I found myself slipping downward to the dark again because the initial high was gone. I discussed this in length with my therapist and we continued to explore. I felt a drive/need to express who I was internally to the external world, I had to be seen for who I was . . . a woman. This led to a brief dalliance with identifying as gender fluid and presenting as a woman at work for a couple of days a week . . . this lasted about a month as I could feel her behind my eyes and when I was him, I missed her but when I was her . . . I never missed him. I remember that moment because I was alone in the study and my world came crashing down on me again much like it did when I first gravitated here . . . there was never a him only a her and that day I effectively killed him off. It was heart wrenching and satisfying all at the same time but I never looked back.

I can't say with any certainty that I always felt I was a girl/woman growing up. I do recall knowing I was not quite wired like the other boys growing up and over time it would come back to haunt me. But given my career choice and time frame, I suppressed/beat her down. It wasn't until I could admit that he never existed the he was always she that I could admit I was a woman. My transition is not the same as yours or others, I live full time as a woman but I will never seek HRT or surgery (my choice). It has nothing to do with being attached to be physically male it is just that my physiology does not define my gender only my sex (for me). So while I will always appear as a man in women's clothing, I know I am truly a woman and I suspect deep down I always knew.

Cheers

Marcelle

[becky77]

Gendermutt, Femininity is not a starting point. There are many TS that don't particularly wear feminine clothes or makeup.
If you are defining us all on a scale of femininity then you are way way off the mark.

It is all about identity.

Jennifer identifies as a man I identify as a woman that means we have absolutely nothing in common, at least not in regards to gender.
Unfortunately you are making the mistake that most seem to in making a comparison purely on the exterior, therefore totally invalidating my identity and those like Jennifer.

To say we are similar or starting from the same place is the same as saying you don't believe I am a woman and you also doubt Jennifer's masculinity. Why can't Jennifer be masculine yet enjoy embracing femininity too?

Also TS to us NOT an identity, being TS is the symptom of being female with a male body.
You could say it's the diagnosis of what's wrong.

The problem is you are so busy trying to find your own place in all this you don't realise how you dismiss others. I bet you don't think of me as a woman, just a Trans that's gone the full distance?
If you want to compare me to CDers then you haven't respected my identity.
I don't crossdress, neither does Zooey. To us they are not female clothes they are just our clothes.
You wouldn't tell a Cis woman that she is akin to a crossdresser but you would say it to me, think on what that means and how your thought process is.
You simply don't believe in us as women, you can't otherwise you would stop with this argument.

[mechamoose]

Ok, maybe not Gendermutt's 'femininity', but how about 'feeling feminine'?

I'm not TS, heck, if I was I would be a big red flag of 'something is wrong here'.

My posit is that 'feeling feminine' is the base level. Some of us have more of that, some of us enough to change our very being. Some of us don't.

We still 'feel feminine'. At best I'm still Danny Trejo in a frock. I'm still a girl, dammit. Don't you dare try and take that away.

I don't have a physical dysphoria.. maybe I'm lucky, maybe I am not. I still have *mental* dysphoria.

To me, THAT is the difference between TS and CD. It has nothing to do with right and proper, it has everything to do with intent and identity. Neither one is wrong or improper. They both need to be paid attention to. They both still count.

/swish

- MM

[JanePeterson]

So I'm very new to this debate, and feel like i may be jumping into shark infested waters here...

But i think focusing on the clothing aspect is important

If you could have a woman's body and be treated as a woman and be forced to wear male clothing,

OR

Wear women's clothing/present female and be accepted as a man with a male body...

In my short experience, if you say yes to option 1, then TS is probably closer to the answer

Another question... Is all this friction a result of trying to apply labels that don't really fit?

I'm not a scientist (but I did stay in a holiday inn express last night) - but when a model or equation produces a ton of outliers, then to me it says more about the limitations of the mode than the data- in this case, all the (insert preferred qualifier to CD thru TS) are a result of our classification being jacked up. As people were driven to categorize, but if the boxes are wrong then it's not going to work... Maybe the whole CD/TG/TS model is incomplete

[pamela7]

Rather like curiosity666, i thought initially CD, but as i allowed myself the processing space and time, everything fell into place and crystalised into TS; my life fits this like Cinderella's slipper fits her foot.

[Richelle423]

from an early age I would say 5 or 6 yrs old I would tell my parents "I'm a female" or "whats my maiden name"? then get corrected that I was a boy. In my teenage YEARS I always felt I was born in the wrong body. I represed these feelings as I got older. I n the past few years these feelings resurfaced I don't know what to do. I wear women's clothes everyday except I still wear men work boots and still have a man's hair cut. On my day off from work I really enjoy being en femme i.e. wearing make-up etc. I have such a great feeling of peace when I am dressed like a female. I very rarely wear anything manly anymore.

[Tina_gm]

I would say I am definitely TG, but I do not see myself as TS. From what I have read in the TS section regardless if you actually transition or not, your identity is fully opposite your birth gender. While I believe there are some CDers who in no way identify opposite their birth gender, and do so only for fetish reasons, a lot of us do have certain feminine internal identity. It is what drives us to dress, which a lot of society still is at the least, not comfortable with. In some places, it still gets quite nasty and a lot of people still will not accept it or us. Something that has the power over us to make us buck societal norms to that degree, there is some reality in there with it.

I personally believe that CDers and TS have the same phonomenon, if you want to call it that.... condition perhaps. But whatever IT is, it is the same. What makes a TS different is the cross gender identity and need for expression, to be authentic as I hear described as much as anything, is for the TS it is complete. In all ways they identify as opposite. The CDer, many, not all have a partial identity that is female, feminine at least, but it is real.

There are moments when I think I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body. Sometimes intense, other times not. During the intense times, being female sounds good, I wish I was. I have thought about transition, or just opening up my life to being transgender, and living however whenever wherever. There are things that stop me though. Those things that stop me.... and there are several mean that I do not identify completely, otherwise they would not hold the power over me they do.

I just want to say this is my personal opinion. I know many CDers and TS feel that there is a big difference. I think it comes from the same thing, but the completeness of it is what makes it different, not its origin.