Misgendered again!

[PretzelGirl]

Sometimes when I get misgendered or my dead name comes up I get educational and sometimes I admit I get snappy with the person. It depends on mood and frequency. I just had a couple of incidents and was glad I didn't get snappy. Sometimes it isn't really happening.

First, I was talking with a supervisor about some work that wasn't getting done. He was looking for an email while saying he didn't have the laptop he needed to load software. He finds the email and goes "Yes, Steve Robbins has it for two more days". I start to react, and then I realize that he referenced another Steve we work with using my old name. So I joked that he isn't likely to get it back since that guy no longer works with us. Obviously with my being in front of him, it put my old name in the forefront of his mind.

Then yesterday I made my regular trip through a Dunkin Donuts drive through on my way to the Pride Center. The employees that have been around a while know me well and the coffee I always get. I pull up and can tell it is Tim, the manager, taking my order. I start giving my order it anticipating him interrupting me and telling me to pull up. He doesn't interrupt and instead goes "That will be $2.58 Sir, please pull up". I get up there and go "Tim, why did you sir me?". He goes "The man in front of you didn't like being ma'amed either". Just a joke.....

Anyone else have strange occurrences?

[pamela7]

For as long as i can remember, tele-sales people mostly think I'm Mrs S when i answer, so my phone voice passes muster. The funny thing is that it never bothered me - if only i'd realised what that implied then.

I had another, different kind of strange occurrence last night worth reporting though. I was ready on-time to go out, and as usual my wife was pushing us late - i'd lost 25 of my 30 minutes travel contingency meaning a potential embarrassment of arriving at the event with everyone already seated. Normally this would have got me angry, but instead I was sad-upset, which she confirmed she felt also from me. I don't know if other transwomen experienced this shift in emotional reponse, so I'm curious.

[Marcelle]

Hi Sue,

I get misgendered the most on phone calls. While most will say my voice is passable in a husky Lauren Bacall kind of way, that is in person. The magic of phone and recording devices screams . . . dude! So when I take calls a work I get a lot "Sirs" but it really doesn't bother me as I get it and I would get exhausted trying to convince people otherwise. Now those who know about me will "Ma'am" me on the phone. In person people have made few slips with a "he" vice "she" but he name has remained the same "Marcelle vice Marcel" so I can't really say if I am being misgendered there. Where I get a lot of confusion from SAs when out doing my business is how to address me. I do not pass whatsoever (not in a million years and never will), so I think people are reticent to address me as Ma'am or Sir for fear of insulting me in either direction. So I get a lot of neutral addressing.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Jennifer-GWN]

Sue;

I'd say a victory in drive through would simply be them getting the order right... Hahah. The phone remains a bit of a challenge for me as well. I have noticed that my pitch actually lowers a bit for some reason as well when talking on the phone which doesn't help. I do keep the app pitchlab on my iPad and often let it run for the day when at my desk just to monitor. F2f pitch good ...put me on the phone I see a noticeable drop. This combined with the sound handling characteristics doesn't help. I do tend to start a conversation on the phone with establishing my name in hopes that it will establish a foundation from there it depends on how they interact with me wether to correct or not, get annoyed, or ignore.

Cheers... Jennifer

[PretzelGirl]

Jennifer, I think that might be from projection. I know I have always had an issue projecting my voice and holding pitch and it is just starting to get better. That is one of the contributors to drive through errors along with the wonderful microphone/speakers they buy.

[I Am Paula]

I get misgendered on the phone, although less these days. My pet peeve is people who ask for Paula. I say this is Paula. 'Really?'
NO! I'm lying butthead! 'Really' is not an appropriate response.
Rant over.
I've been getting about 50/50 at drive thru mics lately, and about 25/100 on the phone, so I 'really' can't complain.

[Lauri K]

Yes this happens all to often for me as well, gets frustrating......but I have come to just go along with it for the time being

The other day my wife and I were having a conversation with the SA at the cosmetics counter and lo and behold if my wife did not mis gender me during the discussion ( wife said to the SA, I have been using his product and I like them so I want to get my own) my wife did not mean it, but it slipped out of her mouth.

The rest of the time I blame my gravel voice and huge freaking Adam's apple that I want to get gone ASAP.

Hopefully I can report some progress on this in 2016.......but it does hurt my feelings to get Sir'ed I must say

[Suzanne F]

The phone is definitely my biggest hurdle. I am in sales and the phone is vital. I may take voice lessons to cut down on the misgendering. The worst in person example happened a month ago in a grocery store line. There were 3 cute fireman in front of me. An older male check out person looked at me and said," Sir there is no line in number 3." It cut through me like a knife. To make it worse he then said," oh, I mean mam." I just said thank you and moved to the other line but I was so embarrassed.
Suzanne

[I Am Paula]

Suzanne- That's harsh, specially with 3 cute firemen in line. They went from 'There's a cutie' to 'Buy the damn marshmallows and get out of here'

[Suzanne F]

Paula yes I was snapped out of thinking about the firemen. I was saying to myself, " How did I ever pull off being a male, they were so handsome and masculine." You know if didn't have a wig on I could see how someone could misgendering me in person. My real hair is growing out but is nowhere near ready. But with the wig I think it is obvious I am female. Anyway I know that it is part of the process.
Suzanne

[PretzelGirl]

That is a crusher Suzanne. I am sorry....

[Lauri K]

You know I have been thinking long and hard about turning the tables on people who use the incorrect pronouns towards me on a regular basis.

If it is a telephone call or driveway speaker for order food, I get it that my voice is not that pretty and you get a "free pass".

But if I am in a dress, skirt, make up, jewelry, leg wear, purse you do not get a free pass to mis-gender me

So I thinking the next time for example a male waiter in the restaurant calls me Sir when I am clearly presenting as a female, I am going to look him straight in the eye and say thank you miss, or ma'am for taking my order, bringing my drink or whatever the case may be.

Or I have also considered politely correcting the person, and say to them something like, I know you are really busy and a lot on your mind, but you meant to call me ma'am correct.............otherwise tips are going down

But alternatively I get ma'am sometimes when I am not really expecting it

[PretzelGirl]

I have been pretty good about not being snappy. I did learn my lesson once and probably a good example of why patience can pay off. I left work and while driving, had an incoming call. I took it (bluetooth), and it went like this: "This is Sue" "How are you doing today Sir?" "<angry and loud> What do you mean sir? Do I sound like a sir? I just told you my name was Sue!" "I am sorry Ma'am. I am calling from the Utah Tax Commission and I need to ask you some questions about your business so I can determine if we are to apply these additional taxes against it".

I think I heard a mic drop over the speakers.

[Rianna Humble]

My voice isn't too brilliant, but a couple of times recently, I have been misgendered on the phone by people who should have known better.

On one occasion, I was talking to my doctor's surgery so they had my records on screen in front of them. After going off to check something, the person came back on the line and said "sorry to keep you waiting sir". I replied, fairly gently (for me) "I think I misheard you, I'm sure you said Ms Humble, rather than sir". I got a very sweet apology straight away.

[Bria]

My wife and I go into restaurants (I'm in drab) and almost every time the server will say, "What can I get for you guys?" Makes my wife somewhere between angry and livid, but seems to be the standard greeting in this part of the country when you aren't in an upscale restaurant. I guess the management either doesn't care or they think that is an acceptable greeting, go figure!!

If they can't figure out that my wife isn't a guy, how will they ever get the gender right just because your name is Sue.

I'm sorry that the general public is so dense because I know that your ego/confidence takes a hit when it happens.

Hugs, Bria

[I Am Paula]

That's why I love the gloriously gender free Y'all.

[PretzelGirl]

Bria, I find that "guys" is used generally in many places. That one would get my attention in the beginning as I was a little more sensitive, but I let it blow by now. If it is unacceptable to you, tell them. You just might hear it every now and then.

Paula, that is All Y'All in Texas.

[Leah Lynn]

Wait until you get clobbered with, "Dude, you need a haircut." That hurt!

Leah

[Bria]

My wife usually points out to the server that she is a girl and it just goes right over their head, are they all blond?

My wife was the one that told me I needed a haircut, see my avatar, that's the before picture.


We have come to a compromise, when she says to cut the hair, I do. Now I wear a wig. She didn't put the word dude in there, but I still wasn't a happy camper.

Hugs, Bria

[Leanne2]

I advise people that are not sure of someones gender to call them "Hon" which is short for Honey. It usually always works and normally doesn't offend anyone...............Leanne

[JohnH]

Personally it does not make any difference if someone sir's me or ma'ams me as long as I am not addressed as 'maggot'.

Johanna

[Angela Campbell]

The only time I ever get the sir thing is over the phone, but only if i get angry. I take the blame for that because I let it slip when I'm angry. Drive thru is no problem anymore. In person I haven't been misgendered in years. .....except for by my mother. She just can't seem to get the hang of it.

[PretzelGirl]

I guess it is appropriate to just reply to this thread.

For those who don't think good people can make mistakes. My wife has been picture perfect from long before transition. Tonight we are visiting our daughter and she referred to me as him when talking to her. It took 10 minutes to get her to stop crying. Anyone can slip if they have a memory in their head, remember that.

[pamela7]

it's not easy, i forget even with my own f2m son, because of the lifelong habituation. Be a little forgiving of folks; they are only human, after all.

[Eringirl]

My sister slips up every now and again, and she gets more upset about it than I do. One doesn't erase 55 years of habit in 1 year. It happens....as long as it is not intentional, I cut them some slack....