Today my sister and I went out for lunch. Shortly beforehand, I got something in the mail regarding an ongoing battle over something i "thought" was over with.
So after lunch, my sister wanted to go clothes shopping. She wanted to get me something. Nice gesture but i wasn't in the mood. I went anyways but was feeling like hell the whole time.
Kind of like that whenever I go shopping. It just isn't fun anymore. Looking good and going anywhere isn't any fun. Getting made up is a pain in the ass. I used to have my nails done all the time but stopped doing that cause I didn't want to spend the money. Saving a few bucks to buy other dumb crap matters more.
When I am out, I just ever hear any laughs or comments like I did years ago. Compliments do not flatter me. Weird looks do not phase me. I could care less what anyone thinks. People know I am TG and I don't really care.
Basically the whole process and maintenance of keeping up a female look is just like going through the motions.
I assume a lot of us go through that.
I just contrast this to the early days. That rush a TG feels when going out in daylight "en femme" for the first few times. All the "firsts". The whole coming out process and the joy felt when people accept us. The validation of being called "she" the first few times.
I remember years ago when I was just dressing part time and a few experienced TS said things about how one day you just live life and there is nothing exciting about doing it as a woman. I thought they were nuts. I mean they were living the dream.
And here it is, 17 years later and I live the dream. Worry about car breaking down (phobia of mine), trying to pay bills, stay afloat, go to work, have a bit of a social life, deal with legal junk, and maybe sneak in a couple hours of sleep. All as a woman.
How exciting.
Often I kind of wish it were like the rush I felt the first time I dressed up totally and had the nerve to go to the laundromat and the victorious rush I felt after.
For those of us at that stage, it is not that we wanna go back to living as men but this whole transition thing isn't that exciting after a while.