My true self

[Lovely Rose]

Hello Everyone,

So recently I've thinking a lot about my identity and expression of this identity, I am a straight closeted crossdresser.
When I'm around people like family or friends, I get this feeling that I'm being fake and I'm pretending to be someone that isn't me, this makes me feel sad and depressed and lonely, it makes me feel that I'm trapped in a cage that only I can see. Revealing my true self can completely turn my life into a nightmare, as there no one I can trust with my little secret for how humiliating it would be to do.

It's just unfair to face these feelings.. Sometimes I think that I'm waiting for my life to end in the hope of a next life where things wouldn't be this tough and ugly.

Sorry for my sad post, but I really needed to express these feeling.

Love.
Rose.

[BettyMorgan]

The forum is for us to express ourselves so please continue to write posts and get support from the wide and vast experience here.

Take it from someone who's been in your position. It gets better and it's more about you accepting yourself as you are than anything else. Work on eliminating the guilt and fear. Dress when you can and enjoy it. Meet other like minded people in your area: chances are there is a support/social group for cross dressers near your town. Don't wait.

[Teresa]

Rose,
It's a road most of us have taken, coming to terms with your CDing, getting to know and understand and finally accepting it takes time !
The point is it's part of you it and you can only deny it for so long, you will have to learn that there is no shame and guilt attached to something you can do nothing about !

The good thing is you're a member of this forum and soon realise that you are not the only one that has a need to crossdress, please try not get depressed about it, maybe finding someone to talk to or enter counselling will bring it into perspective.

If you can get over these hurdles it it a very enjoyable aspect of our lives, don't look at it as a disadvantage but maybe one of the lucky ones !

[stellatoo]

Sorry to hear you're feeling like that, hopefully you will find someone to trust before long. Revealing your true self can completely turn your life into a nightmare or could also completely turn your life into something you don't have to hide in! Sometimes I think we put words in other folks mouths and they're mostly negative words. I know that I don't spend a lot of time thinking about others (even my family though I love them all) and what they do. As long as they're not hurting others, or themselves, by what they do or don't do, folk can pretty much do what they want. If that includes getting pretty then ces't la vie. The world can do with prettying up Take care of yourself lovely Rose.

[Sara Jessica]

Based on your self-description, I'd think this is something you do rather than something that is engrained in your being. Sure it's fun. And fun is something we all might prefer to do all of the time and perhaps share with others but if this is where your line is drawn, I'd suggest that you deal with it and not let it get you down. Enjoy your hobby when you are able and live life to the fullest at all other times.

[Kellitgdet]

Sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. Love and accept yourself first. Enjoy your feminine side when you're able and try not to look so far down the road. It's the journey that matters. And if you look fabulous on your journey all the better. You are not alone we are all sisters.
Kelli

[Lovely Rose]

Thank you all for your supportive feedback.
When it comes to self acceptance, I consider myself blessed, I love my feminine side so much that it makes me feel fake when in male mode.

Love.
Rose.

[Robin414]

Rose, I only read your original post so I'm sorry if I'm repeting any replies.

It IS unfair to face these feelings (alone) but that's why you're (and myself) are here...it really is OK!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

hi Rose, for what it's worth, anyone who chooses the username Lovely Rose can't be feeling all that bad about themselves, it's one of the sweetest, most loving names I've seen here.

You're very in touch with your feminine side, and you're finding the emotions sometimes overwhelming- so natural, so understandable.

Bear in mind that most people experience similar feelings from time to time- most wear masks, most have blue days, most struggle with feelings of insecurity and low self esteem- you are not alone, and you are not an outsider in that respect.

It's true that you have a desire which is strange and possibly unsettling to conservative types, but there are many thousands of us on this forum, and this forum is a small percentage of the people out there who share your desires and fears.

Whoever's running the Universe definitely has a warped sense of humour; it's possible that next lifetime you might come back as a girl with gigantic breasts who cringes with embarrassment every time a guy looks at her, and wishes she'd been a flat-chested boy.

Perhaps there is somebody you can confide in- and you can certainly confide in us any time you want.

Be kind to yourself lovely Rose.

Hugs, Nikki

[Alice Torn]

Rose, You are not alone in these stark feelings. I feel the same way, like a secret agent! Especially when with family, and the locals here, and church people. I sure hope in the next world, things are less confusing, and maddening. But, stay on this site, and we must not beat ourselves up for having this different side to us. I wish i could have had a wife in this life, but it seems hopeless, with my dress up, and family of origin, which needs my help endlessly, but i would never tell them! One day at a time. There are far worse things than dress up.

[karen inside]

Today for myself the fact that i must return to a mans workpkace, heavy cumbersome boots, awkward, ill fitting clothing, doesn't sit well with me today. But work pays for my play and it pays the bills well so i reluctantly play the game so to speak. The longer i spend as appearing female the less i prefer the male show i must participate in. Yes it is frustrating but i no longer question my own mental health and look forward to the private time i spend as "karen".

[Raychel]

I get this feeling that I'm being fake and I'm pretending to be someone that isn't me,
this makes me feel sad and depressed and lonely, it makes me feel that I'm trapped in a cage that only I can see.

Yikes, that is exactly how I feel most of the time. I stand there and smile, pretend like I am interested
but most always I feel like on the inside that I am totally alone. And no one knows the true me.
I would love to find a reasonable answer to open the cage, find people that love me for who I am
and not pretend to like the person I am. Or more accurately tolerate the person I am.

So you are not alone in this feeling, If you need shoulder to lean on or an ear to bend.
feel free to PM me.

[Lucey]

karen inside... and look forward to the private time i spend as "karen"

Agree with your statement and find that I am accepting the fact that the real me is a CDer. And even though there is the sexual part of dressing up and feeling feminine, being dressed up now is more for just being my real self.

Have to say that this has taken a long time and a rough road to reach this point of my life, where I know that this is really just me, and it is not some type deviant or perverted side of me personally, as it is viewed by most people, even to this day.

[Lovely Rose]

Thank you all for your kind support I really appreciate it.

[PattyT]

karen inside... and look forward to the private time i spend as "karen"


Have to say that this has taken a long time and a rough road to reach this point of my life, where I know that this is really just me, and it is not some type deviant or perverted side of me personally, as it is viewed by most people, even to this day.

This is really important. For years I believed that this CD side of me was some kind of perversion. It was only through forums like these that I came to realize this was not true at all. It seems that about 5% of the male population fit into the CD category. The vast majority of these people lead perfectly normal lives just like the other 95%. The only difference is that they were born with the need to express their feminine side.

Like a lot of people, including the one I quoted above, spent a good part of their lives having a rough time until they reached the conclusion that being a CD is natural and not some kind of perversion. I wished I had reached this conclusion years ago as it would have saved me a great deal of soul searching and suffering.

At this point in my life I am quite happy, and even proud to be a CD and I don't care at all how the rest of society feels.