Sign of self doubt?

[Helen_Highwater]

I was reading a post earlier and reference was made to seeing a psychologist in regard to CD'ing. I was struck by just how often folks describe visiting either a psychologist or a therapist to seek some form of understanding as to the whys and wherefores that make them want to CD.

Am I wrong in thinking that for those who do seek assistance that deep down they believe there's something wrong with them. An illness, sickness, a condition that requires correction? Is this a measure of just how much social pressure, stigma is still perceived by some such that they need assurance that what they're doing isn't something that's deeply wrong.

Please don't misunderstand, I've not criticising anyone who does take this path. I'm just curious as to why, given all the support and encouragement to be found here, some still remain full of self doubt. What is it given just how many examples there are on here of folks going out in the muggle world do some still harbour self doubts about themselves and their desire to dress.

Is it sometimes the case that the CD element is just one very tangible facet of a broader need to gain help?

[Jenny22]

Helen, I would suspect that for many the under lying reason for seeing a specialist would simply be to get a reaffirmation that cross dressing, or being TG, is OK. Cross dressers would be very happy to hear that, I suspect.

[Sarasometimes]

For me it is simply to work out feasible ways to fulfill my needs to express my feminine traits and desires without causing undo stress and angst to those around whom I love. Some here are in situations that allow them to only meet their needs and not concern themselves with the impact those needs may have on others. Maybe where they live and their situation they wish to and can easily go shop at the grocery store with make up, a mustache and a skirt and all is well with them and the world. That doesn't occur everywhere. Maybe they can wear a dress around their wife and kids and there will be no downside, that does not occur everywhere. Maybe they can just show up at work some days looking like a woman others as a man, or a blend of both, not everywhere.
I think you are mistaking the acceptance mentioned here as universal and I can tell you for a fact it isn't!
I have never discussed the need for me to be changed in anyway with my therapists, several over the years (they tend to come and go from practice to practice...). We work on how to intergrate this part of me into my current life situation which I don't choose to discuss here.

[Stephanie47]

I think you are correct as it relates to many, but, not all cross dressers. I have to limit my comment to cross dressing and not people who feel the necessity to transition. Decades ago life was different with absolutely no resources for a cross dressing, and, the general belief that men who wore women's clothing were gays. There is still a lot of misconceptions and ignorance out there. There is also a lot of people who will disregard science or psychology, and, hold firm to their beliefs. If day after day a person is told he or she is defective or immoral or any one of dozen of bad things, he or she is apt to develop some issues of self worth.

From what I've read on this forum there are many who have sought counseling to rid themselves of these negative perceptions of self. I'm sure there are many going for counseling trying to "escape the curse of cross dressing" believing it is a mental illness. I suspect there are some on this forum with those feelings.

Me? I was able to break the yoke of negativity of my youth by self assessment. I think I was able to go it alone many years ago due to the nature of my job. I always had to reason and explore the facts to be able to get at the truth. Sara makes a valid point of exploring ways to fulfill needs of self while respecting the needs of others around you.

[Teresa]

Helen,
I do believe there is an element of self doubt, it takes some getting use to the fact that we are guys that wish to wear female clothes. We say we know we have inner feelings but how do we start to accept that and possibly then convince other people that we genuinely feel like that.
Counselling and therapy are important to help us accept or dispel CDing issues, we have to come to terms with it and it's a tool that can sometimes help.

I feel in my case my wife didn't believe where I was in the spectrum, I have noticed a change since my first social meeting, being out dressed as a woman became a reality, I don't think she realised that I had the courage to openly do it and will do it again at least once a month .
She hasn't actually said what she feels about it but she knows I'm comfortable with it.

[Jenniferathome]

Helen, you are probably a pragmatic person, like myself. Things "are." Some folks aren't comfortable with that.

[Sky]

Helen, it really depends on how we see the action of visiting a psychologist / therapist. I'm very aware that in the English speaking world (at least the UK and the US) it usually carries a negative connotation, as in "something's wrong with you", and this goes well beyond the cd/tg world, it affects everybody who seeks therapy for any reason. However, in other places -I happen to be a foreigner living in the US- it just doesn't mean that. A therapist is somebody who helps you say things you wouldn't say to anybody else, understand and accept things you might have swept under the rug before, and generally make the best out of things, like a friend except that he/she does not feel the pressure to be always nice to you.

In that regard, I feel that seeking the help of a psychotherapist is a positive action, for whichever reason, cd/tg related or not.

[sabrinaedwards]

How can I explain CDing to others when I really do not understand the why of it myself? For me that is the reason why I constantly am asking why. I do understand the reason that some would seek professional help.
Love, Sabina

[Kate Simmons]

I, personally, was always okay with the CDing. When I went to a therapist I went to try and figure out how to deal with family and friends who had a problem with it.

[reb.femme]

I'm in the same camp that 'I am what I am', but many posts here tell us that some people are worried that they don't know or are worried, about the true depth of their feelings. Maybe they do know, but discussing their troubles with an independent allows them to tell their truth, as we can all deceive ourselves. I would dress more if I could, like at work for instance, but these are minor woes compared to those that suffer with deeper issues, whatever they may be.

Personally, I don't need a psychologist, therapist or trick cyclist (I think that's what I meant) to tell me that I'm weird compared to the 'Societal Norm', plus the money I save can go towards a new dress or accessories.

Becky

[jemima_bates]

Hi Helen,

Am I wrong in thinking that for those who do seek assistance that deep down they believe there's something wrong with them. An illness, sickness, a condition that requires correction?

I'm sure this is true in some cases, but there's probably a million-and-one other motivations for CDers seeing a psychologist: helping them deal with family/friends reactions, providing a space to talk about their wants/needs etc. Becky uses the phrase Societal Norm, and I guess that's part of it - if you're the type of person who has issues with not conforming to a societal norm, then maybe a therapist is worthwhile.

After all, people see psychologists about a whole range of topics - CDing is probably one of the more straightforward! Echoing your last sentence, really - there must often be broader reasons to go down that route.

I'm more in the pragmatic camp - I am what I am - but for others, I'm sure a psychologist could provide much needed solace.

Jemima x

[Samantha Clark]

I have't seen a therapist, but I've thought about it. Mostly due to not being in a place of being at peace. I still feel guilt and anxiety. Wish I could achieve Nirvana, but still a struggle. Must be nice to have no qualms.

On the other hand I haven't had BIG purges. I purged my first pair of shoes, but that's it.

[Sarasometimes]

Still many misconceptions here about the what and why of seeing a therapist. Mine doesn't talk societal norms for one thing. The TV version of therapy isn't therapy is another. Like many things, unless you try it you may not have a good understanding of what it is and if you do try it, you might actually benefit from it.
As for self doubt, that doesn't come from those here it comes from those who don't come here! If society is so welcoming/tolerant of crossdressing men, why is there no endearing term for it? A tomboy equivalent.
If as the OP states society is fine with males crossdressing why are so many people here in DADT relationships, can't dress at work, can't comfortably go shop for a dress or makeup...Answer because society isn't that comfortable and accepting of crossdressing!

[Katey888]

Am I wrong in thinking that for those who do seek assistance that deep down they believe there's something wrong with them. An illness, sickness, a condition that requires correction? Is this a measure of just how much social pressure, stigma is still perceived by some such that they need assurance that what they're doing isn't something that's deeply wrong.

Someone here mentioned the concept of "Groupthink" in a different context recently - in fact it's probably more accurately applied to what happens here on the forum in a cheerleader sense (but that's just my personal cynicism coming through...)

Seeking a professional opinion outside this self-selected community is probably not a bad idea if you think that advice can help, particularly with the people here who are (or may be) experiencing real dysphoria issues. Regardless of opinions, we have enough evidence here of folk that turn up believing they are "just a CDer" and do end up migrating down the TS or full-time route... maybe not many, but that itself is enough to warrant professional advice, in that sense...

For those that want reassurance that society won't continue to exert pressure - it may help, but that's what society does... However much we may be better understood (and just saying "it is" doesn't actually help the understanding), may have legislation to protect folk that transition and TG behaviour and needs, there will likely still be people that refuse to accept it as 'not wrong' behaviour for a host of reasons. Education can help and legislation can help mitigate bigotry but it cannot change the minds of everyone.

If you can step back from being what we are and try to appreciate the muggle view, we may not look much different from alcoholics, people obsessed with tattoos, folk that think they're "furries", etc. - and actually, just being confident and not having self-doubt doesn't necessarily make it 'right' either... that's the groupthink aspect at play...

There are plenty of examples of behaviour acceptable in other cultures that are taboo in ours, and vice versa... It's really a deeper question...

Katey x

[Maria 60]

Before I told my wife, I was busting my brain trying to figure it out, why ever time I dressed and finished I would feel guilt and tell myself it was my last time and a few days later I was dressed again. Fighting a giant I couldn't beat, I kept trying to only get beaten by the giant every time. When I told my wife she reinsured me that there was nothing wrong with me, and she felt as if it was a fetish. After a few months of dressing in front of her she was observing me, and one night feeling the guilt I told her that maybe I should get some help, the feelings were getting stronger once I got the green light from her to dress in front of her. She sat me down and asked me why I felt that guilt, that there was nothing wrong with me, I was just a guy who gets a thrill out of wearing women's cloths and there are worst things in life. Her magic words were, "STOP FEELING GUILTY AND STOP TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT AND JUST ENJOY THE GIFT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN ". That was all the therapy I needed, I took her advice and try to enjoy every opportunity I get and stopped trying to stop it or figure it out and make it take its course. It has evolved more then we probably would have wished but we are facing it together and now thirty years later we have a very strong relationship. I believe we need help to figure out or just need to talk to someone about it. I know I blabbed on but I wanted to make a point, that if my wife didn't help me I would probably still be very stressed from trying to figure it out. Some people don't have supportive wifes and have to turn to professional help.

[Ineke Vashon]

Maria, give your wife a hug for me. I believe she nailed it with ENJOY THE GIFT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. It is how I see my emerging "other" side. In three years I've been able to dump the John Wayne image, stop telling jokes about gays and pretend to be a macho I've really never wanted to be. I'm not classiflying my changes as increased femininity. I am seeing deeper changes, like in earlier days I'd see handicapped, poor people, wheel chair bound folks and not feel any emotion - "that happens to other people." Nowadays I feel sad, sometimes to the point of tears, empathic, more caring, and more at ease around women. And, best of all, being accepted by women, the finest compliment I can imagine. If this makes sense. I feel empowered. Wearing feminine clothing seems just my outer expression of my inner feeling. No need for a therapist here.

Ineke

[bridget thronton]

Secrets can cause stress and unhappiness - Maria is lucky to have discovered that And resolve it with the help of her spouse. Not everyone is so fortunate.

[Sarah Doepner]

I, personally, was always okay with the CDing. When I went to a therapist I went to try and figure out how to deal with family and friends who had a problem with it.

Kate and I share the same reason. I needed to find a way to build my confidence enough that I could eventually share this information with my family. In doing that I've given myself permission to think about all the ramifications and potential extent of my transgender experience. Seeing a counselor has accelerated my understanding and helped me learn more about myself than I might have without that give and take I found in the counselor's office.

[SHY KIM]

My view is that YES - FOR SOME THE CD ELEMENT IS A TANGIBLE ASPECT TO AQUIRING HELP
if someone feels the need to search for professional help in understanding OR justifying their place in the world they should do so.
The fact is we all come from a different place. Between friends, family, co-workers, the environment we live in... it goes on.
Hell, within two samples you can have the exact same circumstances with just one exception and that is enough to create a change.
While the forum is certainly full of support it may not be the "cure all/fix all for everyone".
Perhaps I'm one of the lucky ones in that while I have questioned and struggled from time to time I am at peace. Am I out to everyone? No @#%*!$ WAY. SORRY
But the intricate aspects of our CD lifestyle are so different for each and everyone of us it nothing should ever be assumed or taken for granted.
Just my thoughts
Kim

Helen, I truly know your not criticizing. I just think so many have more on their plate that others. And yes, the social stigma is there. Again, more for some than others.

[Sharon B.]

Back when I got divorce 24-years ago I gave in to pressure to talk to a therapist but it wasn't someone who understood cross-dressers. I quit going to him after a few sessions seems he was telling it was a fetish that I had.
If I would go to one again I would make sure that dealt with crossdressers/transgender life style. If it was a fetish then why I have a need to keep my body hair free and have more woman's clothes then men's.

[Sarasometimes]

I went to one who called it a Paraphelia at my last visit with her! As much as I feel that therapy can help more people if they went and gave it a try. I feel equally a strong that you need to find a skilled therapist and one you feel comfortable with.

[pamela7]

I've not met many people who would have gained zero benefit from sorting out some life stuff (maybe no-one), but here i'm sure that a solid process to understand CD/TS/issues would make some sense. For some, it is a prerequisite to get a sign-off for SRS, a necessary "evil", for others it is a lifeline. It's time that no stigma be attached to seeking pro help, as most people experience mental or emotional issues at some point in their lives; same as a doctor for a physical virus.

[Ally 2112]

I have been to Dr's therapist experts etc to try to figure this out and that's just about cding .My x wife and i were both hoping for an answer that would be perfect for both of us .The answer i always got is there is never a perfect solution you have to decide what is going to be best for both of you or it may just not work

[sometimes_miss]

Am I wrong in thinking that for those who do seek assistance that deep down they believe there's something wrong with them.

In a sense, there is. What we do goes against our own best interests. For some reason (most don't want to know) we have come to the conclusion that we should dress in such a way that is sexually attractive to males. While we could choose to wear women's sweats, granny panties and a woman's undershirt, few if any, do. We desire to wear the stuff that blatantly, practically screams to the world (and ourselves) that we want to be considered as female. This goes against our natural tendency to have sex with as many females as possible, in order to pass along our dna.
While we all huddle here and tell each other that what we're doing is perfectly natural, many of us have our genetic line end with us, more so perhaps than other straight males. So if it's genetic, naturally over time we would have gradually almost completely died out. But that's not the case; and perhaps we start to wonder why we are like this.
I started studying psychology as soon as I was able to. For me, that was the day my older sister came home with her psychology textbook. I think I was 13. And a big reason was, why did I want to wear girl's clothing, dress and behave like a girl, yet also kept falling in love with girls. Because there definitely is something wrong with that set of thoughts. It doesn't go together. After all, the rest of the males do everything they can to get a female mate. We do the opposite, and even when we KNOW it's against our best interests, we continue to do it anyway, ignoring all reason to stop.
We wonder why we do that. Some of us simply go to someone who knows more than we do. Others bury our noses into textbooks, papers, and converse with others that do the same thing in search of why we do this. Some eventually figure it out, some are afraid of what they might find out (because of the way our society stigmatizes males who embrace femininity in any way), so they don't want to know. Others have decided they don't care, because there's nothing they can do about it, much like feeling the need to eat a lot of ice cream even though we know we'll get fat. But we want to eat it anyway, so we do, and we get fat. Many people the world over do things against their own best interests. Look at the number of women who stay with men who beat them.
So, yeah, there's something wrong with us. We have to live with that. After awhile, we want to know why. Nothing unusual about that at all.

Edit: What I forgot to add, is that seeing a therapist IS NOT going to 'cure you' and the goal is not for you to be happy. Their goal is to get you to become a functional, contibuting member of society. They do that by giving you ways to deal with who and what you are, so you can get through each day. Some people believe that if they go to see a mental health professional, that once they discover why they feel how they do, they'll be cured and stop feeling that way. But that doesn't happen except on very rare occasions. All that happens is you figure out why you're dysfunctional. And then try to adapt yourself to that. Once in a blue moon someone is able to completely stop their dysfunctional feelings; but most often, they just accept that they have them, and do their best not to allow those thoughts to completely disrupt the rest of their lives.