REPLIES ONLY FROM THOSE THAT IDENTIFY COMFORTABLY WITH TRANSGENDER PLEASE

To complement the current thread "Are there those here that are know inside they are really TS?" and inspired by Becky77...

So we’ve recently had a thread on ‘just’ CDing, we have one running currently on knowing that one is “really TS” and in that thread Becky raised a couple of questions that said a lot to me about something that I’ve realised for some time but thought perhaps it was worth discussing using Becky’s questions as a framework and to try to keep this just for those folk that are in accord with the generally accepted definition of transgender – and yes, I know we use it as an umbrella term, but I’d just like to see replies from those that are happy with this description of themselves – to recap:
Transgender: Adjective to describe a diverse group of individuals who cross or transcend culturally defined categories of gender. The gender identity of transgender people differs to varying degrees from the sex they were assigned at birth.
Becky’s questions/points that caught my attention:
Quote Originally Posted by becky77 View Post
Two things I am confused about.
1) I think there are a lot of Male identified Crossdressers that consider themselves to have mixed internal gender, when in fact they are confusing a need to dress like a woman or express femininity as an identity, it isn't. It's just a man that has a strong drive to express a feminine look.
2) I don't understand Gender fluid or inbetweener.
Marcelle was the first person to make me believe Gender fluid was possible and then she says actually she is TS. I honestly don't know if it's possible to be two different genders/personalities or if that person is just in denial or deluded? Bit like Bipolar? If that's the case then surely it's a pretty unpleasant way to live?
For me, the first point fits me best, so let me try to expand on what this means for me and why I am happy to be considered transgender and why this is part of me and my identity that cannot be corralled into exclusively male or female.

Yes, I am predominantly male identified. I don’t know that I consider myself to have a 'mixed' internal gender but perhaps it must be to some degree... However you describe it there is clearly a strong need (not just desire) to express myself in a visually feminine way. This isn’t to attract men (not gay or bi) but at the same time I wouldn’t want to be seen as unattractive – but then who would..? Over decades I have endeavoured to have ‘fun’ with this (something of a euphemism for past sexual self-gratification but not in recent years ) whether dressing alone or finally going out in public – but I don’t dress for fun: finding a way to have fun (socially) is a way of somehow just making this inexplicable need more palatable. I don’t feel like a man “that has a strong drive to express a feminine look” when I am transformed – it is more than that. I do feel that the transformation – visually representational as it is – acts as a conduit for something that is a part of my identity that does not predominate, but is strong enough that it has to find an outlet. Dressing isn’t just about the clothes as it seems to be for many - it's a means to an end – the clothes are just part of the overall image that lets me yell at the world “I may be a male underneath this, but look how much more is enabled when I can express myself physically to the world in this other aspect of me…” and for me that is accentuated by mannerisms, posture, movement… and the feeling of being able to comfortably express all of that, in an image that I know most of vanilla society will see as feminine, if not female, is what curiously gives me comfort and satisfaction - I think that's why we have the need to express it in public to find affirmation and validate our expression – it’s a release perhaps similar to an artist completing a painting or a composer a piece of music. The painting is more than just paint on canvas – it’s both representational and expressive of how the artist sees the world and their interaction with it and it portrays a message of their feeling and their perspective that others can see and experience… and probably sometimes includes their identity.

So it’s so much more than just portraying a ‘look’ – and it also has it’s unpleasant side in knowing that you can never be satisfied with the one-way ‘switch’ from one to the other (as with TS) and being locked in one mode – it’s a life that’s full of the conflict of being comfortable (generally) in one, but knowing that the other aspect must find a release every so often, to feel complete fulfilment. I can totally understand why TS-folk and singularly male-identified CDers would not understand this and the strength of the need that drives us to be secretive because of our fear of discovery and misunderstanding, or take risks to find a way to express this aspect of us – it’s really not a simple thing and in some ways more difficult to come to terms with when ones gender expression needs to flip-flop or oscillates in-between with a mixture of modes.

So – can other happily identifying TG folk give me their perspectives too…? I'm sure we'll have someone able to fill in for the GQ/GF/in-between folk...?

(And please, please don’t chip in with – “I’m not TG but…” - if you don’t feel it, you’ve probably already stated that clearly in alternate threads... Thanks... )

And if you read to the end...

Katey x