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Thread: What is it to feel and identify as transgender... Is it a happy middle ground...?

  1. #1
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    What is it to feel and identify as transgender... Is it a happy middle ground...?

    REPLIES ONLY FROM THOSE THAT IDENTIFY COMFORTABLY WITH TRANSGENDER PLEASE

    To complement the current thread "Are there those here that are know inside they are really TS?" and inspired by Becky77...

    So we’ve recently had a thread on ‘just’ CDing, we have one running currently on knowing that one is “really TS” and in that thread Becky raised a couple of questions that said a lot to me about something that I’ve realised for some time but thought perhaps it was worth discussing using Becky’s questions as a framework and to try to keep this just for those folk that are in accord with the generally accepted definition of transgender – and yes, I know we use it as an umbrella term, but I’d just like to see replies from those that are happy with this description of themselves – to recap:
    Transgender: Adjective to describe a diverse group of individuals who cross or transcend culturally defined categories of gender. The gender identity of transgender people differs to varying degrees from the sex they were assigned at birth.
    Becky’s questions/points that caught my attention:
    Quote Originally Posted by becky77 View Post
    Two things I am confused about.
    1) I think there are a lot of Male identified Crossdressers that consider themselves to have mixed internal gender, when in fact they are confusing a need to dress like a woman or express femininity as an identity, it isn't. It's just a man that has a strong drive to express a feminine look.
    2) I don't understand Gender fluid or inbetweener.
    Marcelle was the first person to make me believe Gender fluid was possible and then she says actually she is TS. I honestly don't know if it's possible to be two different genders/personalities or if that person is just in denial or deluded? Bit like Bipolar? If that's the case then surely it's a pretty unpleasant way to live?
    For me, the first point fits me best, so let me try to expand on what this means for me and why I am happy to be considered transgender and why this is part of me and my identity that cannot be corralled into exclusively male or female.

    Yes, I am predominantly male identified. I don’t know that I consider myself to have a 'mixed' internal gender but perhaps it must be to some degree... However you describe it there is clearly a strong need (not just desire) to express myself in a visually feminine way. This isn’t to attract men (not gay or bi) but at the same time I wouldn’t want to be seen as unattractive – but then who would..? Over decades I have endeavoured to have ‘fun’ with this (something of a euphemism for past sexual self-gratification but not in recent years ) whether dressing alone or finally going out in public – but I don’t dress for fun: finding a way to have fun (socially) is a way of somehow just making this inexplicable need more palatable. I don’t feel like a man “that has a strong drive to express a feminine look” when I am transformed – it is more than that. I do feel that the transformation – visually representational as it is – acts as a conduit for something that is a part of my identity that does not predominate, but is strong enough that it has to find an outlet. Dressing isn’t just about the clothes as it seems to be for many - it's a means to an end – the clothes are just part of the overall image that lets me yell at the world “I may be a male underneath this, but look how much more is enabled when I can express myself physically to the world in this other aspect of me…” and for me that is accentuated by mannerisms, posture, movement… and the feeling of being able to comfortably express all of that, in an image that I know most of vanilla society will see as feminine, if not female, is what curiously gives me comfort and satisfaction - I think that's why we have the need to express it in public to find affirmation and validate our expression – it’s a release perhaps similar to an artist completing a painting or a composer a piece of music. The painting is more than just paint on canvas – it’s both representational and expressive of how the artist sees the world and their interaction with it and it portrays a message of their feeling and their perspective that others can see and experience… and probably sometimes includes their identity.

    So it’s so much more than just portraying a ‘look’ – and it also has it’s unpleasant side in knowing that you can never be satisfied with the one-way ‘switch’ from one to the other (as with TS) and being locked in one mode – it’s a life that’s full of the conflict of being comfortable (generally) in one, but knowing that the other aspect must find a release every so often, to feel complete fulfilment. I can totally understand why TS-folk and singularly male-identified CDers would not understand this and the strength of the need that drives us to be secretive because of our fear of discovery and misunderstanding, or take risks to find a way to express this aspect of us – it’s really not a simple thing and in some ways more difficult to come to terms with when ones gender expression needs to flip-flop or oscillates in-between with a mixture of modes.

    So – can other happily identifying TG folk give me their perspectives too…? I'm sure we'll have someone able to fill in for the GQ/GF/in-between folk...?

    (And please, please don’t chip in with – “I’m not TG but…” - if you don’t feel it, you’ve probably already stated that clearly in alternate threads... Thanks... )

    And if you read to the end...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

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    its important mykell's Avatar
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    WOW, thats a mouthful katey, may have to hit the tequila earlier,

    so ive been in a funk with this lately and have been rather sarcastic, (More so than usual) and also had a failed denial thread also....some posts about going on here that made me falter or question my goals and accomplishments...

    as i travel this road i read and learn and benefit from the perspectives of talking here and in a support group where i get a better understanding while looking in the eye of folks struggling with everyday situations, the pain, the triumphs, the heartbreak, the sadness in the eyes and the smiles on the lips, older younger, friend, family, and the support that is shared at all levels and stops on the journeys we embark.

    for me it is not that i feel one is different from the other, i am always 'Me' but i have more fun as one than the other, the same concerns, do i look OK, but i fuss more with the female presentation to get it right and of coarse it takes more preparation to hide the male tells, so its easier to be my male side, but i always yearn to be my female self also, no switch so to say.....its just matters what life activities are needed to be accomplished....

    its easier to go to work male but their are days i wish i could go as a female, but it is just to much trouble and consequences if done, going to a store not as much, shopping male or female if it has to be done it gets done.....comfortable more now than in my younger years. driving not an issue at all, attending support with peers was the easiest thing i have done....but when i do it it is not a different part or person it is just me,

    before i got here i would say i was just a crossdresser, but since ive been here i learned that it is so much more, its a community that you sit down with and share lots of common feeling and thoughts, victories and failures, co-operation and combativeness....but at the core we truly are not what folks in the wild consider conforming to theyre minds eye of what our gender is supposed to be.....so im transgender and its not a gang its a club.....
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  3. #3
    Senior Member Ceera's Avatar
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    Well, I think I qualify as 'happily transgender'. The term 'gender fluid' also fits me pretty well. I flip back and forth at will.

    I certainly don't identify as 'a man who wants to just look female'. When I want to be Ceera, I become, in as much as is possible without surgical alteration, a female version of myself, with a rather different personality than my male side.

    I also don't identify as 'a woman trapped in a male body', with a need to transition fully and get surgeries to make my body as female as my mind is. I don't dislike my male parts. I just don't think they fully express who and what I am.

    I was born and raised as a male, and for most of my life, despite inclinations to the contrary, I tried to adhere to the expected gender binary male role. I denied and repressed my female aspect, and 'played it straight'. I knew I was bisexual, but suppressed it. Father was homophobic and never could have accepted me being anything but straight. But I knew I has most of the same feelings in looking at some males that females had. I just didn't dare act on them.

    Over the years, I realized there were a lot of other 'female things' that I enjoyed far more than a male is supposed to in our society. Women's clothes, makeup, jewelry, shoes... all those tangible things appealed to me. But it went further than that. I found I could roleplay a female character so convincingly that others, who interacted with me on-line for years, were solidly convinced I was a real girl. But it wasn't just me enjoying the clothes and accessories. Behaviors, attitudes and priorities shifted accordingly. It also didn't matter if the character I was portraying was straight, lesbian or a hermaphrodite (both gender's 'functional bits' in one body). My mind can shift and adapt freely between the gender roles.

    Honestly, if I could have one wish regarding myself, it would be to have the ability to do a true shapeshift, at will and as often as I want, between the forms of a genetic girl and my male self, with everything properly scaled and proportioned and functional for the change. Then my body would match what my mind feels like.

    As a woman, I'm much taller and more broad shouldered than most genetic girls. Yet I still manage to believably present as female, to the extent that GG's that I am chatting with seem oblivious that I am not also a GG by birth and by what's in my panties.

    For the last couple of years I've allowed my female side free reign. When I want to go out as a girl, I transform myself and do it. And it feels good. It feels right.

    In some regards, it's as if there were two mindsets within me - one male, and the other, female. It's hard to explain, but it's very real for me. And it makes me happy.
    Last edited by Ceera; 02-10-2016 at 11:14 PM.

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    Happily in the middle somewhere.
    I don't stress about the hows and whys or the minutia involved.

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    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Once I understood what TG stood for based on this site's definition, which I understand follows similar definitions from other sources, I readily accepted that umbrella label/definition for me. I have been here from just after I started dressing as a woman and just before I stepped out of the house for the first time. As many on this site say, I have no idea why I started to fully dress as a woman. I do know that any telltales from the past are very questionable as indicators of things to emerge when I was almost 60 years old. I just knew from that first moment fully dressed with makeup, wig and accessories that I was very happily amazed and knew that I had to explore this side of me, this other new activity much more. I believe that all this happens along a spectrum from panty wearers to post-op TS. I also understand from everything I read here and conversations with others that there is a distinct difference and separation between TS and the rest of us with many similarities too.

    I know that I have been moving along that spectrum and may be already in that "tweener" zone. I have to ask myself occasionally why have I spent a little over 4 years and thousands of dollars to remove my facial hair, pierced my ears, keep polish on my finger and toe nails, grown my hair to below my shoulder blades, have a wardrobe of mostly thrift store clothes that would permit me to go full time many times over, and the last more important question where is this all going. My quick answer is because it makes me very happy. But I know that it is much more than that.

    Since the science and research to-date is limited, some frequently asked questions may never be answered in my lifetime. I am, however, beginning to think that whatever is inside of us non-TS's that compels us to go against social custom may be very similar to, and maybe even the same as what affects TS's. It could be that for us non-TS's we just have a lower powered version of what TS's have and will stop somewhere along the path. In other words, for some and definitely not all, we may continue along the spectrum until we reach a point where we feel that we are better balanced, both internally/emotionally and externally regarding how we fit into society, including family, work, friends and the rest of that real outside world. As some of my respected friends sometimes say, I am a CD+++ and/or gender fluid. Like Mikell, I am always me no matter how presenting. I am just not sure now who is the whole me! Hopefully, I will continue to learn and improve and eventually find my position on our multicolored and faceted rainbow.

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    Hi Katey, ya I did read to the end (my ADD is making me twitchy)...oh look, a rabbit...arrrg stay focused 😧

    I'd say right now I'm happily 'TG' based on the formal definition. That said though I still think of TG as having gone all the way (presenting en femme 100% of the time)...but that's only because of the definition of 'Trans', if I take a 'trans' Atlantic flight I don't think I'd be too happy stopping somewhere 'tween' for any length of time, good thing the 'fluid' in 'gender fluid' isn't ice cold salt water 😂

    I like to think I'm happy being somewhere be'tween' but I'm also beginning to think it's like balancing on a tight rope, maybe it's not a 'stable condition'. I know many people CAN live there indefinitely, I think.

    I admit, I'm still kinda new to this and I'm sooo far from where I was I'm still working on self efficacy...I think that's the key, being yourself, while being 'yourself'...or in my case 'my new self'

    Oh, and I do open some posts with the ol' "I'm not TG but..." but only when I'm barging in on a thread in the TS forum (so I don't get beat up too badly 😢 ) 😂
    Last edited by Robin414; 02-11-2016 at 12:08 AM.

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    Super Moderator GretchenJ's Avatar
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    Hey Katey,

    using your our post as a primer, I can give you a better understanding of how I feel.

    Based upon your definition, I would most definitely feel that I am TG, and more specifically gender fluid.

    Quote Originally Posted by Katey888 View Post
    Yes, I am predominantly male identified. I don’t know that I consider myself to have a 'mixed' internal gender but perhaps it must be to some degree...
    I am predominantly male identified EXTERNALLY but internally, I believe that are aspects of my personality traits that are both male and female simultaneously. My therapist believes in this regards, that internally, I am much more female than male and I tend to believe that assessment


    Quote Originally Posted by Katey888 View Post
    However you describe it there is clearly a strong need (not just desire) to express myself in a visually feminine way. This isn’t to attract men (not gay or bi) but at the same time I wouldn’t want to be seen as unattractive
    It is a need to express myself on the outside as well, it is to put a face, a personna to how I feel on the inside. It is a constant work in progress and has expanded and deepened over time, Two years ago, I would have worn anything, but recently I have developed a style that is constantly being redefined and is solely individual - it is not to attract men, but rather to seek acceptance from the public at large.

    This is why my desire to just dress at home and not go out has waned for me, it must be for a purpose, and it must be out in public - unless my inability to become Gretchen for a long period of time increases my stress which dictates me just staying home.



    Quote Originally Posted by Katey888 View Post
    I don’t feel like a man “that has a strong drive to express a feminine look” when I am transformed – it is more than that. I do feel that the transformation – visually representational as it is – acts as a conduit for something that is a part of my identity that does not predominate, but is strong enough that it has to find an outlet. Dressing isn’t just about the clothes as it seems to be for many - it's a means to an end – the clothes are just part of the overall image that lets me yell at the world “I may be a male underneath this, but look how much more is enabled when I can express myself physically to the world in this other aspect of me…” and for me that is accentuated by mannerisms, posture, movement… and the feeling of being able to comfortably express all of that, in an image that I know most of vanilla society will see as feminine
    Spot on!!!!!! I could not have said it any better, and that is totally me as well




    Quote Originally Posted by Katey888 View Post
    So it’s so much more than just portraying a ‘look’ – and it also has it’s unpleasant side in knowing that you can never be satisfied with the one-way ‘switch’ from one to the other (as with TS) and being locked in one mode – it’s a life that’s full of the conflict of being comfortable (generally) in one, but knowing that the other aspect must find a release every so often, to feel complete fulfilment.
    At the end of the day, when I put the wig back and clean up, there is still the feelings of guilt, and a little sadness, but I am energized and ready to renew myself to try to be as good of a person, husband and father that I can be. I do treasure my male side as well, which sets be apart from those who detest their born as gender.

    Gretch
    Last edited by GretchenJ; 02-11-2016 at 12:48 AM.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Hell on Heels's Avatar
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    Hell-o Katey,
    Can I please get the name of that California wine?
    Gotta get me some of that! Holy crap girlfriend what a great post!
    When this CD thing reappeared in my life a few years back, I had never (not once) given a thought
    to what it meant to be TG. Shortly after joining the forum I read through the definitions sticky.
    At that time I still didn't give a thought as to if I fit the definition. After being a member here for a while,
    reading, posting, and learning more about myself, and how much my thoughts and feelings seemed to be reflected
    in soooo many others responses, really made me think about what I was doing, and how CDing had always been
    a part of my life. Sure it would come and go, but it was always there.
    Then at some point I come across a look into Gender Dysphoria, WTF ? Is there a treatment for that.
    Massive doses of antibiotics? Steroids? Nooo! Turns out it's hormones (so I hear anyway) and then possibly falling deeper down that "rabbit" (Yeah...calm down Robin!) hole.
    Then I got to thinkin', and have posted this thought in some form before.... We all dress. (DUH ! But not my point)
    We all crossdress (except possibly a few drag performers here) completely for our own satisfaction.
    Wether it be done at home in private, or out in public, we all get some sort of satisfaction from it.
    Regardless of anyone's personal preference, or level of dress expression, there is some form of Gender Dysphoria
    going on.
    With all that said, and given the general definition provided,
    I'm HAPPILY able to identify myself as TG. (OH NO!!! What's next?)
    Chill out people! Identifying as TG won't change your life, if anything
    it may just open it.
    Much Love,
    Kristyn
    BTW Katey, don't think I forgot. I'm waiting for that label !
    I smile because you are my friend, and
    I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!!!

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    Member Jazzy Jaz's Avatar
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    Interesting! I just spent a long time (I'm a very slow typer) posting on the former current thread about this responding to those questions without noticing and having no idea that this thread was started. Its too long to repost here so, I guess its there.

  10. #10
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    transgender includes TS in my world view. My sense of GID has changed over this last year, hugely thanks to debates here. I have a happiness dressed en-femme that is entirely missing if even one piece of mancloth is present. Something as simple as a pair of trackies, well the ladies ones feel nicer, softer, easier on my skin which has always been super-soft - and made some women envious over the years - and so yes a woman in a male body makes me TG.

    and yes i did read to the end - that long paragraph included.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  11. #11
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Thanks so far all - I've read through your replies but I'll leave it a little while before I make any more comments - however, Zooey has asked that I inject some questions on her behalf (so as not to disrupt the TG-only view - thanks Zooey) - these are related to Ceera's reply:

    Quote Originally Posted by Ceera
    I certainly don't identify as 'a man who wants to just look female'. When I want to be Ceera, I become, in as much as is possible without surgical alteration, a female version of myself, with a rather different personality than my male side.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ceera
    Over the years, I realized there were a lot of other 'female things' that I enjoyed far more than a male is supposed to in our society. Women's clothes, makeup, jewelry, shoes... all those tangible things appealed to me. But it went further than that. I found I could roleplay a female character so convincingly that others, who interacted with e on-line for years, were solidly convinced I was a real girl. But it wasn't just me enjoying the clothes and accessories. Behaviors, attitudes and priorities shifted accordingly. It also didn't matter if the character I was portraying was straight, lesbian or a hermaphrodite (both gender's 'functional bits' in one body). My mind can shift and adapt freely between the gender roles.
    Question from Zooey is: Here's what I don't understand (and see as something of a contradiction) here... Words like "want to be", "rather different personality", "transform", etc. To me, all of this sounds like a method-acting man who really likes acting like a woman.

    Why should personality change in this way? If it's a genuine bi-gender or otherwise non-binary identity, the self should be consistent, should it not? I can understand wanting to change presentation, at least to an extent, but I do not understand personality changes.

  12. #12
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    i do recall starting with this "girl mode" / "drab mode" distinction. I also recall a "borderline" client who i observed transitioning between selves over several hours or days sometimes. And I've observed my own self-mindset shifting through time. We as humans are generally multiples, unaware that we are playing out many parallel, sequential identity/role programs. Some people remain fixed and steady, same all the time, while others "shapeshift" (or, adapt to each person or situation). The shapeshifter is well suited to this multi-mode of male-female time-share of the body. Sometimes an actor can get type-cast or role-cast, or even character-cast, whereas others can flip easily in or out, while others method-act into a role.

    From a jungian perspective, the later-onset CD can be seen as a form of the returning anima, whereby the person attains a wholeness of being through becoming "the not me"/"the other". and then we have also have to accept there is no logic and we are impelled upon doing this beyond reason and that it is life or death literally in the case of the TS.

    So, another martini?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  13. #13
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    I feel that those of us that identify as TG [all encompassing] tend to be open and out about it. It is an internal thing and the outer packaging could change but the inner person remains the same. I do my best to live a satisfying life by owning who I am and standing up for it. life is too short to live otherwise.

  14. #14
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    Simple answer. In the beginning no. All the turmoil and everything else with family and friends just wasn't worth it. Then finally in my mid forties I finally came to terms with it then in my fifties I finally embraced it and now live 24/7 as female. I am truely much more happier now. Its been a long hard struggle would have been easier if we had internet and forums like this back in my day, but we made it.

  15. #15
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    I love it when we try to pick it apart. I'm biologically male but societally not macho. More kinda' skinny wiseguy. Sexualy, I'm hetero/asexual. My adventures into female are just that, adventures. I'm in it for the excitement, the uniqueness and the thrill of delving into the forbidden. And crossdressing is my primary passion in life. I would consider physical augmentation (hormone therapy, facial hair removal, pierced ears, even breast implants) if my financial and spousal situation were different but, never have I felt the need to totally transition. Other than entertaining extreme fantasy, I'm just comfortable being my version of homosapien.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

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    Katey,
    After my bumpy road going through counselling I've finally settled at the male side of TS, so now I accept the TG umbrella .
    I agree with most of your description, but I've lived with a strong male/female conflict which I now understand, yes it is sexual and remains so, something I now find frustrating at times. As you know I've recently attended my fist social meeting and I can't wait for the next one, I didn't go out to put an act on it was just the Teresa side of me being satisfied and it did feel good and so natural.
    Just to make a comment about the other Cders at the meeting, they acted very similar, no false voice, not acting girly or camping it up .

    Nice analogy with artists and their painting, it's why I asked if I could dress to attend my art group, expressing myself in two ways !

    I believe I am now happily TG , like most it comes with an IF and a BUT ! My family know now but they haven't seen me in reality so it still has it's acceptance problems.

  17. #17
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    The way I see it, it's actually part of "me" I'm expressing that is somewhat freer than my normal mode. I'm somewhat bolder in femme mode. Do I cansider myself TG? Sure do.
    Second star to the right and straight on till morning

  18. #18
    Member Jamie Christopher's Avatar
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    Thanks Katey for this great read!

    Jamie
    At the makeup counter

  19. #19
    Senior Member Ceera's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katey888 View Post
    Question from Zooey is: Here's what I don't understand (and see as something of a contradiction) here... Words like "want to be", "rather different personality", "transform", etc. To me, all of this sounds like a method-acting man who really likes acting like a woman.

    Why should personality change in this way? If it's a genuine bi-gender or otherwise non-binary identity, the self should be consistent, should it not? I can understand wanting to change presentation, at least to an extent, but I do not understand personality changes.
    Honestly, I am still coming to an understanding of who and what I am myself. Answering your question may be as elusive as the question "Why do any of us cross-dress?".

    I think if it was merely a matter of me being a male method actor, I could have made the choice to not spend all that money on girl stuff, or to risk the rejection and embarrassment of coming out as gender fluid. My life would be so much simpler if I could cram that genii back into her bottle! Yet I feel compelled to live at least part of my life as a woman and express that part of my personality.

    Human psychology includes a thing that clinically is called "Multiple Personality Disorder", in which one person's physical body has more than one 'personality' controlling it. Someone with MPD might at some times think and act as a normal, adult female, and at other times revert to the personality of an adolescent girl. Sometimes the personalities are extremely different from one another (one dominant and confident, one timid and shy), and not just a 'younger version' of that person. Sometimes the personalities are not the same gender. Sometimes there are more than two such personalities in a person's mind, each occasionally in control of the body. People with MPD often have no control over which personality is 'in charge' and active at a given time, and various things might trigger the change between them.

    But some people with MPD can control it, and can shift at will between the personalities. This usually requires the various personalities recognizing and accepting that the others exist, and not denying it. For example, a psychiatrist working with someone with MPD might ask, "I'd like to speak to Katy now, and not Katherine", and Katherine, the adult woman, shifts at will into the childlike personality of Katy.

    Why does MPD happen? We do not have a definitive answer, but sometimes it is a response to a mental shock or an extreme circumstance (such as being the victim physical abuse or witnessing a death), and sometimes it just seems to be how that person's mind was formed from birth.

    Here's one theory: Identical twins grow up to have different personalities. If the brain of an unborn child began that split to form twins, but the embryo never divided to become two distinct bodies, could not the two minds develop and coexist in one body?

    Or to give that a more metaphysical slant, a pair of twins both have souls. If two souls were assigned to a birth but the division into two bodies didn't happen, could not both souls inhabit the same body? The native American concept of someone being "two-spirit" is something like that. Many cultures accept that some rare individuals seem to possess multiple spirits or souls.

    So here's another, even harder to prove theory: Twins run in my family. Prior to my birth, my mom lost a pair of fraternal twins in childbirth - a boy and a girl. Who knows? Maybe when I was born the next time she got pregnant, both of their souls were transferred to me? When I finally stand to face my creator, it's a question I hope to have answered.

    Now, I haven't seen a shrink and been clinically diagnosed as having MPD. But what I do when I switch back and forth between my default male personality and my female personality as Ceera feels very much like what psychologists describe for someone with MPD who has it under voluntary control. For me, there is the personality that I was raised to show to the world (Jay, a male), and there is a second personality that was repressed all my life (Ceera, a female), a side of me which I never dared show to anyone else, and which I only recently allowed to show herself to the world. My male personality has been shaped by a lifetime of living as a male and repressing any feminine or bisexual urges. My female personality has very little life experience, but is not repressed in any way. So it's like twins, one of whom has traveled widely and seen the world, while at the same time having society's preconceived notions of appropriate gender-role and sexual orientation behavior heavily impressed onto him - and one who has led a secluded and cloistered life, but has very few preconceived notions about what appropriate behavior is for her, and who really couldn't care less about society's gender or sexual orientation based rules. Of course their personalities, likes and dislikes are different!

    An example of the personality differences:

    My male personality is still fairly repressed about things like being openly bisexual. He knows and accepts that he is bi, and that he finds some males attractive, though in general he prefers women. But he can't bring himself to walk into a gay bar and chat up a guy he finds attractive. He has a hard time with the idea of publicly being perceived as gay or bi. He even has a hard time buying gay porn to enjoy in private, even though he knows he likes it almost as much as he likes straight porn. He's still blocked by decades of telling himself, "You can't do that! You don't dare admit that!" He's also relatively shy and reserved, and doesn't go out much to bars, clubs or dances or music events. He was married for 30 years and maintained a monogamous relationship the whole time, until his wife's untimely death made him a widower. He's still rather hesitant to socialize as a single male and seek a new relationship. He has a very limited circle of friends, and has no close friends locally yet, having just moved to a new town.

    My female personality doesn't care what others think she should or should not do. She's perfectly comfortable in gay bars and nightclubs, or in straight restaurants, bars and social venues, openly socializing and flirting with both men and woman, and happy to receive affection from either gender. If she cared about society's gender or orientation rules, she wouldn't show her face in public. Her best social friends have been a group of lesbian ladies, and she has no hesitation about being perceived as a lesbian while she is seen with them. She considers herself to be bi, leaning heavily towards lesbian. She's outgoing and gregarious and loves to be socially active. She goes to bars and nightclubs and dance clubs and charity events and singles events, and has a blast. She has a rapidly growing circle of friends and makes friends easily. She recently volunteered to start helping to coordinate happy hour and social events with an LGBTQ Ladies group.

    Edited to add:

    I'll just add one more point. I mentioned that Multiple Personality Disorder may possibly be caused by certain high-stress incidents. Looking back, I have suitable incidents in my past that could possibly explain my MPD symptoms.

    When I was in high school, my male self was seduced/raped by an older male (college aged). He was the son of my parents' best friends, and my math tutor. He was highly trusted by the family. It was somewhat traumatic, and I only ever told one person about it, years later - my wife. It wasn't a violent incident, but I already knew my father's inability to even discuss homosexuality, and so I just suppressed it and said nothing. The young man who seduced me died just a few months later, in a motorcycle accident, and I saw no reason to besmirch his memory or my own reputation by revealing what he had done. That may, however, have been the start of my both acknowledging I was bi (I did like it), and of repressing that side of me, (I couldn't accept or acknowledge it). Did the event trigger the separation of my feminine side from my male side? Possibly. It would have been easier to accept what happened if I had been a girl. And he did stop when I expressed unease about proceeding 'past third base', as it were.

    I didn't allow myself to even consider exploring my feminine side until my parents were both no longer living. and I didn't try to publicly dress or come out to my daughter until my wife died. Another trigger? Again, possibly.

    I'll see a therapist soon, and maybe I will find out more.
    Last edited by Ceera; 02-13-2016 at 11:30 AM. Reason: additional comment added

  20. #20
    Madam Ambassador Heidi Stevens's Avatar
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    What a lovely little confessional you've opened up here, Katey! I'm glad everyone is being honest and trying hard to put into words how a transgendered person really experiences life. In my case it was a revelation after being able to be dressed for a long period of time in the fall of 2014. The long period to remain in female mode gave me time to reflect on my true identity. I reflected on how I saw myself when alone and when I was in a mixed group of friends. Everything was adding up that I handled myself as a female alone and with other people. I knew I needed help and explored therapy after the Holidays.

    I began the gender therapy with an open mind and gave all that could to confirming or denying my own diagnosis. I told the therapist how I tended to gravitate to the ladies group(s) at gatherings, I found the guys boorish and really not interested in the conversation going on. I feel at ease with the ladies and not really pressured to "perform" like I do when I try to present a male persona. It took only four visits before she confirmed my fall conclusion, Heidi was living inside and would love to come out and be herself.

    I started HRT in March of 2015. The immediate effect on me was the calming of my anxiety. As a lot of you know, I am in a very loving relationship that I don't want to end. The compromise is for me to present male around my wife. Thanks to the HRT I am able to live this way for now. I still relate to everything female and my wife does give me the space to have long out of town outings and enjoy time as a lady. People have asked if I'm really transgender on this site. Again, I point out that my love for my wife is the ONLY thing keeping me from full transition. I don think of this being "gender fluid" I am female in my mind and in the minds of my professional medical providers. Everyone who has met me while presenting as a female says all my natural actions are nothing but female in their opinion. When I can dress and interact, I just do things without thinking about it. It comes natural to me, without forethought. Now this doesn't mean I don't think about what I'm doing! I'm a female! Yes, I make sure my outfit and hair are in place. Is my makeup presentable. What is she wearing and how can I do that. I think that's why I know Im transgendered, all things female are normal for me and it comes without thought. That is the main thing in life, are you just being yourself alone and with others with out having to consciously think about it! And now this girl's going to go have lunch!
    Last edited by Heidi Stevens; 02-11-2016 at 01:29 PM.
    Be yourself. Everyone else is taken!

  21. #21
    Girl from the Eagles Nest reb.femme's Avatar
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    Hi Katie,

    Well, it's an unequivocal yes to being TG and very much gender fluid. I just wish I could spend more time dressed, but my life will not tolerate that, at this moment in time anyway. I cannot hide my feminine tendencies all the time. I find myself skipping down stairs in ultra girl stylie, sitting with closed crossed legs or even hands crossed in a very femme pose, on public transport for all to see. There is no totally disguising the girl within and I'm also leaning toward letting her out more, but that needs serious consideration.

    I currently have a feeling of an inexplicable something in my belly, like Ripley in Alien, that is just waiting, no...yearning to get out. I can feel this building as I haven't dressed in a while, but this will be remedied on Saturday evening. Let's see if the feeling subsides after that. Personally, I don't think so, as I am never happier than when I'm dressed even slightly femme, ie my satin nightie and dressing gown for example.

    As a wrap up here. In my own mind, I don't ever see transitioning being on the cards but never say never? I'm no way near such a consideration but I certainly realise, dressing is not something that I can stop doing ad infinitum. Is it a happy middle ground? Can I come back to you on this?

    Becky
    Flying high under the spell of life!

    http://www.rebsweb.co.uk

  22. #22
    Member Candice June Lee's Avatar
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    This is a great thread Katey,
    I've had to come to terms with myself over the last few months. Yes I feel and believe deep down I'm transgender. I don't think a full surgical transition will happen. But in the time since June of 2015, I've come much closer to myself than I have ever. I was close to this point once before. A serious (at least to me) life event stopped that back then. Candi went into the box and ice the years the needs and desires came stronger, then hiding the needs and on and on. Anyway, as having a wonderful supporting and understanding SO, I've gotten an appointment with a therapist on the 22nd. We'll see where that takes me. The past months, especially since November have been some of the greatest months of happiness I can ever remember. Especially when I can get out enfem and be me. It covers just as naturally and easy as anyone can ever imagine. Though I have to still be male me during the better portion of the week. But the weekend's bring femininity that I feel inside all week. If would just rather be on the fem side at work and all week than to walk this duality that seems to rip me apart from inside out. So to try and stay on track here, right now in having to walk a gender fluid life rather than the trans life I've wanted.
    Candi
    Perfection Is a Road Not a Destination

  23. #23
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    <= Gender fluid

    What day is it again? Oh look, BUNNIES! (I have bunnies outside my workshop window. They are a joy and a distraction)

    (Happily straddling the lines, weaving back and forth across the road)

    <= different girl on different days, still a girl none the less.

    Some of reach out for an outlet, sometimes *any* outlet, to let that person through. To be recognized, to be appreciated. That can lead to bad situations.

    For some, those bad situations put us at odds with our spouse. Some put them at odds with ourselves.

    Those are the arguments and fallout. You need to look for the root of it and understand it. Only then can you be at peace, no matter whatever else happens once you understand that. No guarantee against damage given or implied.

    (IMHO)

    (Thank you Katey)

    Additional: I know all about stress induced 'X'-phrenia. I had a job which threw me over the edge and has had me out of my normal work for just over a year. I was earning just under $90k (US), but if I kept after it, it was going to give me a stroke. 60+ hours a week, plus 'remote' time and 3 hours in the car every day. My doctors warned me to the risk. If I kept on my path, I was going to hurt myself, more than I was already hurting myself (liquor, etc).

    We can't do every thing and anything.. ok, yes we can, so long as the sacrifice is worth it.

    This wasn't worth it.



    - MM
    Last edited by mechamoose; 02-11-2016 at 05:00 PM. Reason: Refinement
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

  24. #24
    Member Secret Drawer's Avatar
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    I identify as TG.
    The two big (Huge) differences I see between me fundamentally, and CD typical thought processes are:
    One, I am a gender male, thus technically crossdress. However, I don't concieve of myself as a crossdresser, as it is just a natural thing, completely non sexual or even in a sense, fun.
    Two, is that I accept the genetic cards I have been dealt, thus don't bother with wigs or forms, I have a sort of natural b cup, and with padded bra, can just be. If I had the luck of good hair, not male pattern baldness hair, I would grow it long and hey, great! But I don't dress to disguise who I am, which seems to be exactly the same at all points dressed, undressed, and inbetween.
    I have recently just "gone for it" and have ventured out. Did not expect the outcome, which was not thrilling or exciting, but rather more like a correction, like a "so yeah, why haven't you been doing this for years, and all the time?"
    Other than that, and the permanent anxiety from playing a gender role I don't quite fit, I can identify with the social issues that befall CD's.
    One thing that may make sense for some: I researched "gender preferences." Those things that regard how one gender prefers certain ways of being over another. Like learning processes, conflict resolution, those sorts of things. (Not to do with motorsports vice gymnastics or anything contrived... blue vs pink... please!) These studies show how cis-gendered people rather readily accept these roles, while TG's are percentages of to much wider degrees. I seem to be 80 to 85% female in preference testing (academic, not Cosmopolitan) so that may go a long way to explain the inner nature of a TG if one cares to investigate.

  25. #25
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    ..and most mundanes won't say a word (at least where I live)

    SecretD: Please take this with a LARGE grain of salt. I live an an amazingly liberal place. I get to be this way without 'rednecks' chasing me down. I'd still be me, I'd just have more bruises. (Or I can share stories about my times in Texas)

    "They can take my heels when they pry them from my cold, dead feet"

    I'm a b!tch, and I know it. I'm not the average member. I only seek to be an example for what is possible.

    Sorry, I'm putting the weapons down now...

    I feel the *need* to decorate, feather the nest, make it warm and inviting. I feel it in my bones. I cook, I fuss, I cluck.

    What is that if not 'traditional' female traits? Where else does that go or belong? I'm a bull male and I worry about drapes matching the furniture??

    As mentioned in another thread, I think it is a kind of mental dysphoria.

    It needs its own recognition, beyond the physical arguments we have. Some of us are males with a girl inside. Some of us are males with a GIRL inside. I'm the lesser of those. I still belong here. If not, where else do I belong?

    <3

    - MM
    Last edited by mechamoose; 02-11-2016 at 06:29 PM.
    - Madame Moose - on my way to Anne
    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    "I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor
    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?" - Hillel the Elder

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