So I am looking for a little bit of help here to try and figure some things out. I am out to my wife and a couple other good friends.
When I say I'm out, they know I am wanting spend all my time at home dressed, that I have a very large urge to be female and that there is a chance that I MAY one day want to be out in public everyday as a female. I haven't thought really about that, but it has crossed my mind. This is not including occasional trips to specialty clubs where I could freely dress yet not be out so to speak. I'm not set to put a label on what I am right now.
When I look in the mirror when I'm completely dressed, I am happy with what I see. However perhaps I'm being a bit too critical in the early stages of this in saying that I want to always look good, damn good in fact. I have bulky muscular figure with some extra weight and I know it'll take some time to lose the weight. Having said that, I have no intention in transitioning using HRT or SRS because I am still attracted to my wife and enjoy being the "male" in the bedroom and don't want that to change via impotence and erectile dysfunction caused by HRT. If this was a different point in time and I was single, my plan may be a lot different.
I am also working on a very strict budget. We don't have a lot of money to spend on certain items such as breast forms but every time I dress, I get a bit depressed that I can't look down and see the peaks of boobs. I have made rice forms but I need a new bra to put them in. I'm in the process of finding one now. I have a new wig on the way, once again a cheaper one due to the budget. But the problem I have with all this is I want to look sexy, I want to look hot and I want to look somewhat believable. But knowing I won't be able to get that full female body, I sometimes wonder, "What's the point? Just go back to being a male full time. You'll never be satisfied." I don't want to feel like this. I came out to my wife especially because I really feel it's what I need to be. The big trigger for me is I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror as a male or seen pictures of myself and didn't hate how I looked. But the minute I'm dressed, even dressed down, I look and see who I should be and who I'm happy being.
How do you get passed some of the doubts that you have when dressing and defining who you want to be? And doubting how happy I can be with my female looks? Perhaps I'm trying to be too perfect, too fast. I just have been getting this feeling that when I dress all the time when I'm home, I want to look amazing enough to go out in public dressed if I ever decide to go down that road otherwise I get discouraged. Any advice?