Tonight at midnight I am DJ'ing at a small rave. While spinning music is always exciting, what will make tonight extra special is that it will be Holly's first night out!
Now, I've played gigs in drag before, more than a few actually. It got to the point where people started asking questions I wasn't prepared to answer publicly, "does ___ actually want to be a woman?" The attention these "costumes" brought, while not negative, quite the opposite actually, only helped push me further into the closet. Despite the positive experiences, they were also quite triggering. After all, I was only wearing a costume, everything was fake; a joke performed purely for laughs and reactions. (Ha!!)
There's a difference between those previous gigs and tonight though. Tonight isn't drag. It isn't a costume. It isn't a joke.
It's me and just me...
No wig. No fake boobs. No extravagant clubby costume. Just Holly and what HRT has given me.
Perhaps needless to say, I am both very excited and nervous. As my dysphoria worsened, I faded from the rave scene years ago and despite playing in front of hundreds of people in drag, virtually no one from the scene knows about Holly. Considering those in attendance, I'm not overly concerned about acceptance. I believe that my rave days taught me more about love, acceptance and peace than my early religious days. Though, having said that, I haven't played a gig, or even been out, as a woman in probably 7 years. It'll be interesting to see if people who remember me from back then comment "oh look, ___ is dressed as a woman again." Secretly I'm hoping they add, "actually I think ___ is a woman."
A funny memory from the old drag gigs was people's fascinations with boobs. My boobs were fake but they didn't escape attention, which included being grabbed numerous times. Given they were fake, this was no big deal. But now? Do I let people touch and grab my real boobs like the fake ones? I...don't...think...I'd be uncomfortable with it and could actually see it being a comical icebreaker.
Person: "Wow, your boobs feel so real!"
Me: "Well, that's because they are...By the way, I should probably tell you something."
Of course, the flip side of the coin makes me wonder if grabbing a real chest expecting a fake one would make them uncomfortable which is certainly not my intention.
Another source of nerves would be if photos are taken. Given I'll be front and centre pics are quite likely, I acknowledge that, and there is a good chance they'll be posted online for all to see. I can't predict the outcome here, it may be positive, negative or maybe a complete non-issue. My crystal ball is in the shop for maintenance so I'll have to find out what happens the old fashioned way.
My first real night out...what will it bring?
In other news, I can't decide between wearing a long, black, gothy skirt or some old raver pants. The skirt is cuter, but significantly harder to maneuver in given it's almost a hobble-type skirt. This might make setting up and taking down my gear challenging. The pants are definitely more raver'ish and fitting for the theme of the party. They would be more practical and easier to work with as well......but I wanna wear a skirt.
*throws on a beat* Skirts or pants or skirts or pants or skirts or pants or skirts or pants or skirts or pants or..........
Originally Posted by Dreamer_grl
