The end of a marriage

[Brenda79135]

I has happened to me. My wife left me because of the crossdressing. We had been married quite some time. She just left while I was at work. Now that she is gone, I have an emptiness in my sole that can not be refilled. The depression is so great that I can't find anything to snap it out of me.

The hardest part is unwinding years of marriage by myself. She left and went to another state. It is up to me to pack all the things up and get it ready for her move. Going thru the memories of our life together without her here is shear torture. There were many happy times that are captured in trinkets and pictures.
Separating those out is difficult to say the least.

Maybe the pain will abate once I get her things packed and out of the house. Maybe the pain will stop once I decide to get on with my life. It is hard to come to grips with all this.

[Rogina B]

It may possibly change..Seems that you have written the marriage off already.

[TrishaTX]

Sad to hear I am sorry....

[Judy-Somthing]

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you still love her. I tried to come out to my wife two months ago but she pushed me back into the closet.
My wife has been making comments allot lately about how you never really know someone but never out right asks me anything.
She probably afraid to know the truth and knowing her she probably has a good idea what's up since a few weeks ago I left makeup pads on the sink.

[Joni T]

I have been through the wringer twice. She moved out and expects you pack her stuff??!!??!!??!! Toss her crap out on the front lawn and tell her where it is if she wants it. The immediate depression can be over-whelming (my last marriage lasted 26 years. She left me for some dude in her bowling league. The cd'ing was not even an issue). I was on a weekend camping trip and came home to an empty house. After the initial shock wears off, the first thing you need to do is contact a divorce attorney. Close out your bank account if it was a joint account and open another so she can't get to it. Change the beneficiaries on any retirement or insurance plans. If the pink slip for your car is in both names have her name removed from it so she can't sell the car out from under you. Life WILL get better, just give it some time. I am now with the woman of my dreams. She has no issues whatsoever with the dressing and encourages it and joins in with me.
You have my heartfelt condolences. I know exactly what you're going through and how you feel. Like I said, it WILL get better. Just don't do anything rash and let nature run its course. Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Good luck, my friend.
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
Jon

[Rachelakld]

Sorry to hear about your break up.

Women don't normally leave for 1 reason, they normally have 100 little reasons that they never even mention, so if you fix 1 thing (like cding or cooking her eggs the way she wants etc) there is still 99 more reasons to leave.

Hurt / anger / realization / relief / happiness is normally how it goes I believe (not sure, I left when she made it to hard to stay, but wife Nu. 2 is 1,000 times better).

[MelanieAnne]

Why are you packing her stuff? Put her stuff in the basement or garage, and rearrange the house to your liking. Get a lawyer, and change your bank accounts! At this point you need to shift into self protection mode, and look out for yourself. No one else is going to.
If she left and went to another state, it sounds like there was some advance planning. Few people just up and move to another state without some kind of plan, or place to stay. As others have said, it does get better. And there probably were other issues besides the CDing.

[LeslieSD]

I am sorry to hear about that. It must be painful. It sounds to me that you are not willing to end the marriage. Is she divorcing you? Did she say what the main reason is? Crossdressing or something else?

I know it must be a terrible feeling to go through the packing, because every pieces have memory in it. How about you take a break and leave the house to her for some time? She can pack whatever she wants, and leave the rest to you. Go out, get some sunlight, and talk to some friends. Some support will definitely help.

[Teresa]

Brenda,
Cding nearly ended my marriage and thinking about the pain from that was enough to try and sort the problems out, I hope you may be able to do the same.
You don't say how long you've been married or if children are involved, I have been married 41 years with two children and three grandchildren, walking away from that was going to be hard, I'm so sorry your wife has done this to you and given you so much pain .
Maybe I'm a soft touch but I would pack her stuff up neatly, unless she's left you for someone else I would still try and accept parting amicably, she may still end up being a friend !

[Brenda79135]

We had been married 33 years. I still care enough about her to pack her things. I do not want to give her lawyer any ammo against me. We still talk. Yes there are other things involved other than the dressing. I guess she needs to be her own person now without me. We both don't want to see any ill will to each other. She just can't deal with me anymore.

[sometimes_miss]

Brenda; My ex actually expected me to 'fight' with her about getting divorced. She had blackmailed me, threatened to expose me to my family, friends and co-workers. I don't know what she expected me to do, but at the end, she said the clincher was the 'you didn't even try to put up a fight when I asked for the divorce'. I'm not sure what she thought was appropriate; violence? Lock her in the basement so she couldn't expose me? That's crazy. She threatened to really screw up my life. How do you fight that? All I know, is nothing made sense. I don't know your situation. But if your wife isn't acting nuts, perhaps you have a chance. I didn't.

Women don't normally leave for 1 reason, they normally have 100 little reasons that they never even mention, so if you fix 1 thing (like cding or cooking her eggs the way she wants etc) there is still 99 more reasons to leave.

Yeah, but the crossdressing is a deal breaker for a lot. Women put up with all kinds of things. Crossdressing usually isn't one of those things. I don't think I've ever heard of a woman divorcing a guy for overcooking her eggs. Might have happened, though. I get the 100 little reasons, though; women like to store up records of every little thing we do, to use on us as additional ammunition, which usually has nothing to do with the main issue in any argument.

[rocval2001]

Brenda - Sending much strength your way. I have found that the girls here are some really great people -they will be here for you when needed.

Love & Hugs
Val

[CarlaWestin]

Brenda, I've felt your pain. It would be just wrong to blame it on your proclivity. I my case, that was the convenient evil that she latched on to. Yes, things will be emotionally tumultuous for a while. You've been thrusted out of your comfort zone with no fair warning. Personally, I've grown and flourished since I've been rid of the parasitical baggage that the ex was. In retrospect, I had settled on someone that I was happy that she tolerated me. Not much of a life and you seriously deserve better.

One of my life rules is:
Unfortunately, the greatest and most valuable lessons we learn, we learn through pain.

I should have a Doctorate by now.

[Tina_gm]

I am sorry to hear about your marriage. My wife made a very interesting observation about what she calls the full plate. We put things on our plate, things we like.... but other things get put on our plate we don't like. Sometimes the plate gets filled with stuff.... unexpected trauma, too many bills, tragedy.... etc etc. At some point, the plate can handle no more. Like the straw that broke the camels back. Technically the cding caused it, but would it have had the plate not been so full?

Another thing to consider, is that cding is not a simple pass or fail of acceptance. What works ok for some partners doesn't work for others. Communication can break down. As we ourselves are not static with our cding, neither are our partners. What once might have been not troublesome may now be. And vice versa. Perhaps if possible, take a pause, and see what could be worked through, altered perhaps.

Finally, cding just isn't for everyone. There are many women who simply cannot or will not deal with it in any way. I wish you the best through your time of difficulty.

[Amy Lynn3]

Brenda, not much I can say, but you are not alone, as I have been through a divorce and I am available for your support, like all the other members here.

[Stephanie47]

I went back and read some of your earlier threads/comments. If your wife was under a doctor's care, and, she was trying to get her life back on an even keel, perhaps her doctor or counselor indicated it was best for her to "escape" what she felt may be the "obvious" reason for her medical issues. Yes, rarely is it one issue that ends a long term marriage. Unfortunately, cross dressing is the easiest to blame. If she wants an amicable divorce, then give her one.

Be sure to close out any joint accounts, bank and credit cards. Back up her stuff and ship it to her.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm very sorry to hear you're going through the emotional mangle Brenda- I hope as days go by that it gets easier. Perhaps once your separation is complete, it will be easier to take stock of your life and begin to think about moving forward again.

She sounds selfish to have left without warning- it's the action of a coward. I hear what you're saying about her citing the CDing as her reason for going, but in cases like this I always wonder whether perhaps there was more to it than that, that perhaps she emphasised the CDing because it's a convenient way of laying all the responsibility at your door and taking none herself.

I wish you the very best of luck in getting back on your feet- please keep in close touch with us all here and try to see this time for what it is- a (very) challenging phase, but like any phase, one which will eventually pass.

Hugs, Nikki

[Jodi]

Get a lawyer now. Change the locks on the house. Close any and all joint accounts. Tell her if she wants any of her stuff, contact your lawyer

When my wife left, I went into protection mode. A good lawyer can tell you exactly what you need to do. Don't wait. She can rob and pillage you of most everything you have. Make sure you protect yourself.

Expect bad things to be said and to happen. Be ready and fight fire with fire.

If you think I sound harsh--I've been there. You have to stand your own ground. If you allow yourself to get stomped on, it is your fault.

Good luck.

jodi

[Helen_Highwater]

The hardest part is unwinding years of marriage by myself. She left and went to another state. It is up to me to pack all the things up and get it ready for her move. Going thru the memories of our life together without her here is shear torture. There were many happy times that are captured in trinkets and pictures.
Separating those out is difficult to say the least.

Perhaps, if as others have suggested, you leave it up to your wife to come and sort these thing out, she may suddenly become aware of all that you've both ploughed into the marriage. It could bring a realisation that there are more important things than how someone dresses in a relationship and give you both a chance to talk?

[SherriePall]

Along with what Jodi and some of the others have said, be careful and protect yourself.
She may be nicey-nice with you now, but someone may tell her to do this or that and before you know it, it's too late.
We are sorry to hear about your troubles.

[Cheryl T]

Sorry to hear of your troubles.

I'm of the opinion that the vows were taken lightly. Till death do us part, richer or poorer and all that. If the love was really there then it would still be there.

Also, She moved to another state and you're packing for her....WAKE UP... let her come back and do her own dirty work. Let her arrange to have it transported. Go through the joint items and take what you want to keep and remember and let her do what she wants with the rest. But let HER do it. Why should you be relegated to fetching for her when she walked away?????

If you know it's over, then realize it wasn't to be. Move her things to the basement and fill the closet with yours. Begin to live, not sulk in sorrow. Sorry if I sound callous, but it's how I feel about this type of situation. My first fiancee left when I told her. I bemoaned the loss and contemplated things I never would have otherwise. Now I know it was wasted emotion. She wasn't the one. She's gone and I'm still here...life goes on, live it!!!

[Erin Lafleur]

Brenda,
So sorry to hear of your difficulties. I truly hope that things will work out for the best, whatever that ultimately looks like.
While it is important to protect your interests, immediately lawyering up can and will change matters considerably. That bell is not easily unrung and may not be immediately required. I certainly agree that the locks ought to be changed, all joint accounts closed and, perhaps more importantly, all joint credit cards, credit lines etc cancelled.
Have her send you a comprehensive list of the items that she wants. It will be useful in the event of a potential allocation of assets.
Without an understanding of your particular circumstances, it is difficult to say definitely what the best course of action will ultimately be but as long as anything liquid is dealt with immediately, you will have time to deal with real estate, pensions etc down the road.
Give yourself the option of dealing with matters amicably, first and foremost. Be nice. Record everything.
I wish you all the best. Please know that although difficult, you will survive this. Don't be afraid to reach out as you have done. People will do their best to help you.
Take care,
Erin

[MelanieAnne]

I hear what you're saying about her citing the CDing as her reason for going, but in cases like this I always wonder whether perhaps there was more to it than that, that perhaps she emphasised the CDing because it's a convenient way of laying all the responsibility at your door and taking none herself.

Absolutely! Crossdressing is our Achilles Heel, so to speak. Spouses can always blame the CDing and get sympathy and support for their side.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but even if she comes back, things will never be the same again. Sometimes women leave and can't afford to live alone. Then they come back for a while until they can save up some money, or come up with a better plan. Meanwhile they get all kinds of advice from family and girlfriends, none of it good for you. Get a lawyer and protect yourself, and don't worry about unringing the bell. If she left you, that's desertion, and you are in a good position.

[Lorileah]

Fascinating reading. I am one to switch the characters in the play and re-examine what was said. If a woman posted this, and her husband had walked out would you all be so set on lawyers and "doing your own thing?" The OP still has feelings and you guys are throwing gas on the fire. Sweet.

That said, you have HALF the story here. You have the OP's half. And some of you are really close to being misogynistic. Remember, we don't insult ANYONE on these boards and we don't disparage anyone. You don't know the OP nor their SO, it's great you support the OP, but DON'T start insulting women. K?

[~Katelyn~]

So sorry to hear this! I can't image what you are going through cause I'm single. I do agree with everyone else though! She went to another state! Does she know anyone there? Maybe you should find out if there is another guy in the picture. You just don't up and move to another state that is just odd to me.