My wife has been faking

[Gingerpriss]

I found out today that my wife has not been okay with me. she has been trying to act as if she is trying, but she still feels "uncomfortable" about me. We went shopping the other day, and I thought we had a good time, she acted as if so, but turns out she wasn't, and was faking it most of the time. This is destroying my marriage, we take one step forward, and two back...I can feel the walls closing around me again. I don't want to go back to the dark places I have been hiding in for so many years. I love her so much, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

[char GG]

There is a "sticky" in the Loved Ones section called "Now I like it, now I don't". That may be interesting to you.

Your wife may be trying to please you but maybe uncomfortable. I don't know the details of your relationship but spend some time talking to her about her feelings.

Best of luck to you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ginger I understand and it's very hard on our wives, they have many emotions we don't understand much like they have a hard time understanding this part of us. You might just have to give her some space maybe try and talk about it or go to counseling. I wish you well
Leigh

[anna kate]

My wife does not like my fem side, but is tolerant of it. We set up boundaries, which we adhere to. Every once in a while we discuss the boundaries and sometimes concessions are made. Love my wife, and would do anything to keep her happy. There is nothing that I can think of, that would make me want to throw my marriage away. Besides, she knows where all the money is!!! Kidding aside, TALK, TALK, TALK, you'd be amazed what talking can accomplish. We've managed to stay together for 50 years, must be doing something right.

[heatherdress]

If your wife is hiding her true feelings about your crossdressing, maybe she also hides other feelings she should be sharing with you.

[gabyespinotv]

man up or lose her

[Stephanie47]

Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions concerning the need to discuss other issues. Cross dressing is really a foreign affair for the vast majority of women. I went back and read your limited threads, and, there is really nothing there for any of us to comment on. Your wife may be trying to give it a try because she loves you. Love does not always equal like. And, to dislike something in a spouse does not equate to not loving. All I can say is try to put yourself in your wife's heels. Is this something she expected before marriage? Probably not. And, even if she seemed to be accepting that does not mean she cannot change her mind.

Many of us still may question our identities. We may seek validation through acceptance by the woman who we are supposedly joined at the hip. But, most of the time that validation does not come. Having a wife turn her back on cross dressing may be viewed as a total rejection, but, usually it does not. Yes, there have been many threads and comments made on this forum that marriages have ended soon after the "reveal" or later on. Sometimes the dislike of what we do just festers until the lid blows.

About three decades ago I sought validation of who I was through having my wife do something I thought was real simple....buy me some panties for my birthday. She was apprehensive about it, but, after some prodding we did head off to a Mervyn's. We headed to the panties. Now, I had bought nightgowns, panties, bras and slips and even some dresses by myself. But, I sought validation. The trip was a total disaster. My wife was totally turned off. She was shaking. Nobody around us knew the panties would be for me. Nobody, but, her. At that point I realized I had subjected my wife to what I considered and still consider...mental spousal abuse.

Don't push your wife to accept cross dressing. Frankly, pushing her to do something she does not will only blow up in your face. It may take some time, but, eventually you will learn you do not need her approval for your own need of validation. If she does not want to see your en femme or see your clothes or go on shopping trips, don't do it.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

man up or lose her

And stop going bald- it's all about will power.

Seriously, do people really think it's that simple?

It's hard to know what to say that could really be of help. Clearly you and your wife have discussed your crossdressing, probably multiple times. She's obviously tried to accommodate it, and she deserves credit for that. But it's no easier for her to accept something that makes her uncomfortable, than it is for you to quit doing it- and one can understand both points of view.

She's clearly reluctant to lose you over it, or that would have happened by now. I'm not sure of your age, or hers, but if you're young still, ie under mid-thirties, perhaps the fairest thing to you both would be to split. But if you're over 50, perhaps compromise is possible. Either way only mutual honesty is the way forward, eg "I love you very, very much, and I've tried hard to suppress this side of me for the sake of that love, but the drive is too strong- if I can't dress sometimes I feel miserable. I accept you don't like it, don't want to share in it- but would you consider allowing me to do it in private once in a while?"

If she says no, the decision is in your hands- and nobody can make that call but you. What's more likely is that she says she'll think about it. If she's a decisive person, you'll soon find out. If not, and she prefers to muddle along avoiding the big decision, nothing will change. Then it's up to you again- live a life of mutual compromise, or move on and allow her to move on.

I wish you the very best of luck-

Nikki

[mechamoose]

;(

Your partner needs to be on the same level as you. Gabye was much more blunt than I would be, but the message is similar.

If they love you, they love you.If it isn't a good fit, and the only way you can make it fit is by lying, what kind of a choice is that?

If you love them, try and find a way without hiding yourself. You *deserve* to be yourself. Sacrificing yourself for propriety is a limited solution. You only have so much to give, and when that runs out what will you do?

Think in long terms, not short ones.

We are not diseased, we are different. This is an identity issue, it isn't something you can hide forever. Partnerships depend on trust. If there is no trust, there is no partnership.

Being married is kind of a trap. Not a bad one, but still a trap. You make acceptances and compromises in order to maintain it. I know I do.

But some are too far. You need to be able to be yourself.

<sorry>

Kitty / Moose

[Marcelle]

Hello,

I would not jump to any conclusions about losing the love of your life just yet. By virtue of the fact that she wanted to try and make it work vice throwing you to the curb, speaks volumes about how she views your relationship. So she tried and you now realize it is not working for her. Now is the time to talk and determine just where she is with all this . . . it is the only way you can be certain. Is she tired of it all together? Is it just that she does not want to partake in the activities? Can you both work toward a compromise?

In the end, you both have to be comfortable with whatever path you travel. Look, I don't want to be Ms Doom and Gloom but when people say things like "man up or loose her" that may work if dressing is not integral to your personality. If you can throw it all away and never give it another thought then by all means do so and move on. However, from most stories here, giving it up almost never works and the person ends up dressing again, SO finds out and all h*** breaks loose. Or they put it all away, repress, get bitter, angry resentful and that bleeds out into the relationship and again all h*** breaks loose.

Talk, find a compromise you can both live with and move forward from there. Keep the communication lines open as things can change overnight in either direction.

Cheers

Marcelle

[mechamoose]

+++ for Marcelle

Talk, talk, and then talk some more.

You are not some pod person, you are still the person they chose to marry.

Are you no longer interesting? Are you no longer faithful? Are you somehow lesser?

No, you are not.

You can be every bit a man while being a woman. I know this because I have lived it. It can work. You don't need to hide, but you DO need to be honest. Your wife married a PERSON, who just happened to be a man (damn genetic selection). They chose YOU. You *are* still you, right? Show them that.

Kitty / Moose

[Tina_gm]

Hi Ginger. I am not going to be very nice about this, but what I say I mean with good intentions, ok.

Rather than bemoaning that your wife is uncomfortable with your CDing, rejoice in the fact she loves you enough to go where she is uncomfortable, and do what she doesn't like for you. That is what true love is all about. Caring enough about our partners to sacrifice for them. To be with them no matter what. Your wife is doing just that. Now, reward her for crying out loud!

Spend some time doing for her what she does for you. Make it all about her sometimes. Take a pause, take a breath, take a break and turn around and do as much for her as she is doing for you. That is the 1st thing you need to do. Then, after you spoil her for a bit, and I mean really spoil her, then, sit down and discuss how to make the uncomfortable, less uncomfortable. Perhaps it may mean less involvement from her. Like not going shopping, or dressing in her presence or whatever it is you guys are doing. Just figure things out and make some adjustments.

[Sandra]

Oh I can so relate to this from a wives perspective. See we had been married for some years, Nigella had come out of the Army and we'd got our own house and Nigella wanted to dress more which I was fine with, what I wasn't fine with was how often she wanted to dress and then how much time she would spend talking about it, wanting to do shopping etc...so one night whilst washing the dinner pots, she started going on about dressing and I just snapped and what I said can't be repeated here as the word filter will take it out.

What had happened with us was whilst I was happy with the dressing Nigella just started to go to quick for me and things needed to slow down. We sat and talked and then talked some more, eventually we came to a compromise and that was I decided when she dressed this was not my idea so don't all go jump down my throat We got there in the end but a lot of trust was lost and I had to do a lot for Nigella to gain her trust again.

Talk to her ask her to say what is wrong and can you both do anything to sort it out, you could also suggest that she joins here and joins FAB where she can chat openly with other wives/partners and will get a lot of support and advice.

[docrobbysherry]

Near the end of our marriage my ex said she had been "faking it the entire time" with me.

And, since that was years before I ever tried on any ladies clothes, it had nothing to do with CDing!

[gabyespinotv]

How would you feel if you were not a crossdresser, and your wife started to dress up as a man and painting a beard on her face..she would probably look kinda weird and you might not care the first time but what if the chick you married wanted to do this all the time and couldn't stop talking about stuffing her pants with a sock, taping her breasts and buying boxers and tshirts?
Many of us would probably get bored , cheat on her with another feminine girl or just grow tired of the situation eventually. So put yoursl in her shoes, she could be accepting but it doesn't mean that she is happy with the situation. So, keep it to yourself if it's not her thing, but if you can't, chances are, it's not gonna work in the long run. You can intellectualise it in a million ways but you would be fooling yourself in my opinion.

[Teresa]

Ginger,
Let her take a step back and give her some breathing space, shopping alone can be just as enjoyable, in my case more so ! My wife is getting better with my cding but still doesn't want to be involved but she is giving me breathing space for my needs.

[Tina_gm]

Gaby makes a good point. Although we as CDers probably would not be as harsh, as we understand, maybe would feel a sense of duty to accept it. Still though, I cannot recall any specific post where a member has complained about their wife being too feminine. Plenty though where they wish their wife was more into the feminine clothing, skirts, heels etc etc. So, with as much honesty as we can, we should really try to reverse it, and then think how we would feel.

[Gingerpriss]

My wife has told me over the past couple of days that even though she feels uncomfortable, she still loves me and that she isn't going anywhere. I have been in depression mode for the past few days, but that really lifted me up today. I don't want to lose her, I love her and would do anything to stay beside her. We have been together since I got out of the Navy and we have a good life together, and that has been a challenge believe me. We are both still young, I'm 35 and she is only 29 so it worries me when she gets upset. I hate making her upset, the anxiety almost cripples me. This place has been good for me to get other people's input, I have been doing this alone since I was about 9 and I have really enjoyed everyone's advice. I do like being told like it is, and I have pretty thick skin so thanks to everyone for speaking up. Nothing will ever offend me, so no worries about that!

[Teresa]

I don't agree with this attitude of, "man up or lose her !" the majority of us are on this forum because we need help in dealing with all these problems ! It may not apply to all of us but I've burnt myself out with overdoing being the man, no matter what age we are CDing isn't going away so we try and integrate into our lives and wish for nothing more than to have our partners on board and it hurts deeply when we get rejected for it . I've had to get over that rollercoaster and now find that not having my wife on board has it's compensations, the part I don't like is living a separate life to deal with my needs and enjoy what I'm doing !

[Lorileah]

While I agree about "put yourself in her shoes" the whole crossdressing as a man thing is out of left field. Yes see it from her side, find out what the speed bump(s) is (are) and work it out. We are all in a unique situation, all different and I can tell you that if my SO came to me and was wearing a beard and "packing" I wouldn't care. But that's me because my love is unconditional. I learned that from women who held that belief. So I don't really agree when people here say "what would you do if...?"

There are many mountains and hills and valleys that a "normal" marriage has to work with. "We" are just another one. Tenacity, perseverance and trust get you through. Also knowing that everyone has their own bear to cross. This ain't easy, you have learned behaviors and society "rules" that you have figure out and modify or delete. You can't expect your SO to just shrug and say..."meh, it's OK. Whats on TV?" You, yourself, have issues you work out in regard to being TG. You have to overcome the blocks that are placed in front of you. Your SO has those blocks and probably more because of a lifetime of not having all the information they need (from the world AND from you). It sounds like she is a great gal. It sounds like she loves you very much. That gives you two pieces of the puzzle many don' get. I hope it works out

[rachelatshop]

[QUOTE=gendermutt;3907575]Hi Ginger. I am not going to be very nice about this, but what I say I mean with good intentions, ok.

Rather than bemoaning that your wife is uncomfortable with your CDing, rejoice in the fact she loves you enough to go where she is uncomfortable, and do what she doesn't like for you. That is what true love is all about. Caring enough about our partners to sacrifice for them. To be with them no matter what. Your wife is doing just that. Now, reward her for crying out loud!

Spend some time doing for her what she does for you. Make it all about her sometimes. Take a pause, take a breath, take a break and turn around and do as much for her as she is doing for you. That is the 1st thing you need to do. Then, after you spoil her for a bit, and I mean really spoil her, then, sit down and discuss how to make the uncomfortable, less uncomfortable. Perhaps it may mean less involvement from her. Like not going shopping, or dressing in her presence or whatever it is you guys are doing. Just figure things out and make some adjustments.[/QUOTE
WHAT GEN HAS JUST SAID IS WHAT EVERYONE OF US SHOULD REMEMBER AND DO EVERY DAY

[char GG]

My assumption is that your wife is also in depression mode and trying to cope. "Faking it" may be another coping mechanism. Just because you CD, doesn't mean she has to like it. If you liked hunting, would you be depressed if she didn't like it? Should she pretend she is "comfortable" with dead animals and bloody guts in the house/garage/yard?

What if a wife brought home a dog and the husband didn't like dogs. There should have been some kind of communication about bringing a dog into the house. Same with CDing. I don't know at what point you told her or if she knew all along but there has to be some kind of communication. D

Again, I don't know your situation but maybe give it a rest and lighten up and take it easy.

Good luck to you both.

[Ally 2112]

It is not easy for a wife to accept what we do .Im pretty well thinking that they are going to marry their prince charming not their princees .The fact is talk it out in a casual pace do not force it and always respect when she wants to talk or not .I hope all the best

[ReineD]

When you use the term "faking it", it implies that your wife was lying to you. I don't think she was lying. How long have you been open about the CDing to your wife? It's natural that she would try to put her best face forward to try to accept this. This isn't "faking", it is "trying to accept".

Please believe me when I say that it is not unusual to take years before a wife ceases to feel threatened by the CDing. Wives first need to reach a degree of certainty that their husbands don't want to become women and they are not attracted to men (this can take a while), and then wives need to get used to seeing their husbands present as women. Also they need to deal with fears of other people finding out. This doesn't happen overnight. And every single time the bar is raised ... for example starting to shave legs, then shaving all over, then thinning eyebrows, then putting on makeup, then getting breastforms, then getting ears pierced, wigs or growing out natural hair, expanding the wardrobe, increasingly going out in public ... each and every instance of a new level causes a wife to go back to square one and wonder if her husband wants to be a woman. And when a wife sees how excited her husband gets over the shopping, crossdressing, and going out dressed, often more than anything else in the husband's life, this makes a wife worry about her own place in her husband's list of priorities. And so the uncertainty will continue until the husband reaches a plateau with the CDing and things become stable. To repeat, the entire process can take years.

So, please be prepared for a lot of yo-yo-ing, not just in your wife's emotional reaction but in yours as well. It's important to keep the lines of communication open, be flexible, and be patient.

You mentioned in a recent post that on date night the two of you went out shopping for girl clothes. I suggest that you keep the CDing out of date nights with your wife. You and your wife can shop together if you like (eventually), but please, not on a night that is supposed to be a romantic break for the two of you. She needs to know she still has a husband.

You also mention you don't want to go back to the closet. You don't necessarily need to? You could explain to your wife that although you would love her participation you understand if she needs time to get used to it and until she is ready, the two of you should discuss times and places where you can crossdress without her being involved. This would be just a beginning and then maybe the two of you could progress from there. In time.

Good luck!

[Marcelle]

My wife has told me over the past couple of days that even though she feels uncomfortable, she still loves me and that she isn't going anywhere.

Ginger the above comment from your wife speaks volumes and is an opening for discussion. I am sorry you are looking at this from one perspective only "you will loose her if you continue". I don't get that from her comment above. You both need to sit down and discuss the elephant in the room as it is squarely sitting there with a mint julep waiting to be talked about . Your discussion needs to be open and honest. What do you want? What does she want? Where is the common ground? Reine is correct in that it can take an inordinate amount of time for SOs to accept this in their partners which is why once you are out to your SO you need to lay all your cards on the table and continue to do so as you move forward. It may take several talks, discussions, negotiations and there may be several setbacks but, if the love is there . . . you will find your way and reach a common happy ground.

Will you have to retreat back to the closet? Only your wife can answer that. You may find she just wants room to breath and you should give her that. However decisions need to be mutual and agreed upon not dictated by one party (you or your wife). Once "thou shalt / shall not" gets thrown into the mix by either party, even if the other party accepts it at first . . . it will fester and explode later on down the line. This is why I cannot stress enough that once communication regarding dressing begins, it has to be honest and from a position of mutual respect. A lot of folks get caught up in "agree to anything and consider yourself lucky you get the opportunity to dress once and awhile". For some that may work as they can live with it, for others, it can be a breeding ground for resentment, bitterness, anger and depression. It is best to be honest about your desires early and if you don't know an answer to a questions simply state something akin to "I don't have any desire to do so right now but if in the future that should change, I will let you know"

Talk, talk and talk some more. It is the only way forward for both of you.

Cheers

Marcelle