SO DADT - It's the little things in life.

[Julie1123]

As I've mentioned in the past, my girlfriend (or I should say fiancée now ) and I have a DADT agreement about my crossdressing. She's had an aversion to crossdressing ever since she was young. In the past when something related to crossdressing has come up in television or movies she's gotten kind of stiff and cold but that seems to have changed in the last few months. There's just been a few minor things here and there. Not going cold when we see stuff related to crossdressing, a month or so she expressed an interest in watching Hit & Miss, anytime we come across Kinky Boots on Netflix she remarks on how good it was, and last night she was looking through a list of little known women in history and Christine Jorgenson was one of the women listed. She remarked, "That's cool" and gave my arm a slight rub.

When she does this, I refrain from commenting. Kind of worried I'll let loose a floodgate of wanting to talk about it and I'll end up overwhelming her. Really hope this is heading for a more open line of communication between us about it. For now, I'm relishing in the little things.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julie, It's like the song goes,
You got to know when to hold them & You have to know when to fold them .

Discretion is the better part of valor. ~~......

[Julie1123]

Thanks Blue Orchid. Sage advice indeed.

[Tina81]

Julie,
My wife evolved from DADT to "it's only clothes and you were born this way..." Once she understood that it's not a choice but I was born this way she became more understanding and when she realized crossdressing was much more prevalent. than she believed.
She now understands why I have a good taste in women's clothing and have helped her pick out outfits with some outfits she says that she never would have tried.

I shared with her the following...
A You Tube on Phil Donahue show about crossdressers with the wives, attempting to explain why men crossdress. Second, when the public sees a man in a dress, the reaction tends to be, "he must be a transexual" like Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. That was my wife's first reaction was that I wanted to transition.

I also shared with her an article a couple in California..(Brian and Debbie McCloskey: He Wears a Dress. She's Fine With That)
http://www.laweekly.com/news/brian-a...h-that-4431752

My wife in turn shared the following article with me... Longtime Couple Found That Clothes Didn't Make The Man http://www.npr.org/2015/04/03/397089...t-make-the-man
and the article about Will Smith's son Jaden who wore a dress to Prom, http://www.etonline.com/news/165398_...dla_sternberg/
and Susan Sarandon who is proud to have a son who wears a dress http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/...ry?id=31831733

I've also shared with her this forum and two other forums: Legwear as Unisex Fashion and skirtcafe.org

So I dress at home and will be partial dressed (ie just pumps, combination of pumps and skirts, dresses, skinny jeans, leggings and tunic with pumps, pantyhose, bra and breastforms, and will occasionally wear a bra to bed). She has not seen me in a wig nor make-up. I have a really cheap wig and have not applied make up). At some point, I would like to get fully dressed head to toe (wig, make-up) and participate in the area support group here in the local area.

Each couple is different and you know her best. At least she let's you dress privately.

Best to you.

[Julie1123]

Hi Tina, thanks for sharing your experience.

[NicoleScott]

Julie, if there is greater acceptance ahead, let it come freely ftom her instead of pulling it out from her.

[Julie1123]

Nicole, that is definitely the plan. Hopefully, I can keep my eagerness underwraps until it does.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I don't see why you shouldn't be honest about your feelings, what's wrong with saying something like, "Honey, lately I've been picking up from you that you feel a little more comfortable with this crossdressing thing." Then wait for her reaction and base any further responses on that; for sure if she curls her lip and makes the sign of the evil eye, back off. But if she makes positive noises, go on to say that any form of acceptance takes a lot of pressure off you (big hug). And leave it at that. You're right to worry about overwhelming her, so for now just see how it goes. Show her in every way that you love her, be a man when she needs it- and a weekend away somewhere beautiful never hurts.

Good luck!

[Julie1123]

Hi Nikki, my main concern would be if in doing that I end up pressuring her to be more accepting. I don't want her to feel pressured into what I would like things to be like. That would just lead to resentment.

[Tina_gm]

Very good Julie. I have learned this a bit the hard way sometimes. My wife softens just the tiny bit here and there.... It just needs to be left there. It so often takes what seems like forever for us when it comes to our wives acceptance of CDing. We have had our whole lives, and who here when they were young and discovering our own differences and were like ok, cool all is great in just a few weeks or months. For us, and you read this time and time again from so many members, it takes decades for us to accept ourselves. Why should we expect our partners to be any quicker?

Our own acceptance, even when we get there, wasn't like a giant light bulb suddenly went on. It was a slow process. We had/have times where we are more comfortable with ourselves than other times. Again, the same goes for our partners. When in a more accepting light, we should not push further, but rather just enjoy the moment just as you are doing. The progress of acceptance stands a much better chance at being concrete when we allow our partners to do so in their own time and way, not by ramming it at them. Good for you.

[Julie1123]

Very articulately put, gendermutt.

[CONSUELO]

You are just trying hard to persuade yourself that this relationship will work and your cross dressing will have some acceptance. It won't!

[Tina_gm]

Consuelo, there are thousands and thousands of relationships that will disagree with your statement.

[Julie1123]

Consuela, I appreciate the input but our relationship has been working for eleven years now. I didn't start crossdressing until four years ago and was completely honest with her about it right from the beginning. She in turn was completely honest with how she felt about it and was willing to compromise so that I could continue. If good relationships aren't built on honesty and compromise, I'm not sure what they're built on.

[Stephanie47]

Julie, I think the fact you 'outed' yourself after she has known you for seven years makes a difference. That gave her sufficient time to get to know you except for the cross dressing. She may forever not be fully supportive or you may end up being her best female friend. Some women will fully reject cross dressing and walk out the door after many years of marriage. Why? Sometimes I think she may have married for the wrong reasons. Was it the thing to do at a certain age? Get a husband, have kids, go to church? Essentially I see it as the "thing to do." Then, hubby throws in something that is foreign to that concept. How does she handle it? She dumps the guy because her circle of family, friends and acquaintances will say "What's wrong with her? Why does she stay with a guy who wears dresses?" She succumbs to societal pressure.

Then, there are women who realize their husband has a quirk. There does not have to be a total rejection. You don't throw the baby out with the bath water. She may limit those things that make her uncomfortable. She may soften her stance. I think it is wise not to push her to accept more and more of something that makes her uncomfortable.

When your wife sits next to you and just squeezes your hand, it may mean no more than she is beginning to understand.

[Julie1123]

Just in case this was confusing, a small clarification, there was nothing to out in the seven years prior to telling her.

Your last sentence hits the nail on the head. The little things in life.

[Tina_gm]

Sometimes it just takes a very long time for the trust that the CDing will not evolve into something beyond what they feel they can handle. Or that the CDing will become more important to you than they are. In the early days after my reveal my wife was like many, fearing where this may lead. Also too, was would it become more important to me than her. I think as time goes on, my wife is realizing at least to an extent, it is not an it, but a part of who I am, and that she will always be what is most important to me (aside from my kids) My wife may still worry from time to time where this will all lead, but now she knows where ever that is, she will always be what is most important to me.

[Sandra]

OK coming from a GG.. personally I don't think you should keep so quiet you really need to talk to her but go at her pace. You say that you don't want to overwhelm her which is good but you need to let her know just how you feel and what you would like, you might even find out that she is waiting for you to open up the conversation.

[docrobbysherry]

Julie, I hope both of u believe in long engagements!?

[Tanya+]

I think there are 2 things going on for the XDresser in relationship. 1) to be known and loved for who we are, 2) to express it freely and indulge ourselves. I'm guessing a lot of us get into trouble when we put to little effort into helping our SO understand and know our needs, insecurities and fear of rejection (self-hatred?). Once that deep acceptance comes, then drip feed the clothes with honest expression of anxiety with how she feels and gratitude of her letting you be vulnerable, anticipating her reactions by offering to back off. As someone observed in a different thread, women are cats, thus they hate feeling trapped/cornered. This is what going slow looks like, not quietly hoping to get away with more and more, but heroic understanding of yourself and her. This stuff makes us vulnerable, this can give ourSOs more faith in our empathy, and ability to love their darkest shadows (if we are up to it), because everyone fears they are unlovable deep down. (Sorry about the insomnia cal ramble)

[Julie1123]

gendermutt: I think that my fiancée's two biggest worries are where it will lead and what others would think if they knew. There also might be a little bit of concern that if she accepts it openly, even with just me, that it will spiral out of control.

Sandra: She knows. We discussed it at length when I first started dressing so she knows everything there is to know. Our DADT agreement has a clause that if anything ever changes in what I want to do or how she feels about it that we would break the DADT so that we're always being honest with each other. Since, nothing has changed for me, I'll keep respecting the DADT.

docrobbysherry: The engagement will probably end up being about a year so not sure if that counts as long or not. We have had over a decade of courtship though. Does that count?

Tanya: Some very good points. I always love a good insomnia fueled ramble.

[Tina_gm]

gendermutt: I think that my fiancée's two biggest worries are where it will lead and what others would think if they knew. There also might be a little bit of concern that if she accepts it openly, even with just me, that it will spiral out of control.

Julie, I think that is fairly common, my wife has expressed similar thoughts in the past. Somewhat misaligned, but that is because that is what they have seen and heard. Caitlyn Jenner talked about a lifetime prior to transitioning of secret crossdressing. Any others who have transitioned will usually have similar pasts as well.

our partners somehow believe that if the CDing is limited, so will our desires be to how much we dress. I guess they see it sort of like an addiction, the more you do the more you want etc etc. If she has read any of this site, some of the members even talk about it as an addiction.

Also too, CDers typically do progress in part to our own comfort level. What we were ok with once is not enough now, but because back then WE were not comfortable enough in our own acceptance. So they see a progression and they will wonder when that progression stops or will it ever, until it becomes us identifying as women and wanting to be such on the outside as we now are, or would be on the inside.

[rachelatshop]

Hi Julie, For me what Gendermut has posted is better than I could have said it and pretty much matches my relationship with my wife, my love for her is greater than my need to dress, but that can't be said for everyone.

[pamela7]

Hi Julie, I've come in late to this discussion. I "feel" that these little nudges and rubs are her way of saying she's accepting you as you are, probably opening to talk and to allow, as long as her fear remain addressed (i.e. you are non-transitioning). Tell her your worried you'd overwhelm her, and take it easy. She's maybe also realising whatever she was worried about, you're the same person, and she's probably also realised that if you don't express this with her, it might be with someone else - and the nesting instinct will mean she wants a happy nest. I feel what you say is great news, and lovely times will be ahead.

[Julie1123]

gendermutt: Spot on again. It's good to hear what's been roaming around my head from others as well.

rachelathome: I agree completely.

pamela7: Welcome! I get that feeling too.