Limitations: Reaching An Agreement

[Gingerpriss]

Okay so the rules have been set, she is going to be open and willing to allow me to be myself (in a controlled environment away from friends, family, and especially our son) but common ground has been found. NOW WHAT? I have found myself at a point where I want to set the limits at a reasonable end of the scale, but reasonable to whom exactly? I have never been one that fully dresses, I guess I just have never had that need, but as I have gotten older, the idea of being in public is intriguing to me. She wants me to bring to the table what I want first. Now this tactic isn't new to me, its highball, lowball, not-so-high-ball, not-so-low-ball...etc...I'm not buying a used car here, I just don't know what to come to the table with. Should I make my own cuts to me needs before the proposal hoping on a first sight agreement? Then later will I wonder if I could have went higher? What if her level is just way to small, and I know I couldn't adhere to those regulations?

[Tina_gm]

It sounds like she wants simply the truth about what you ultimately want. You should bring to the table that truth. Now, besides CDing, there is a whole bunch of other stuff in life I would want a lot more of, but I do not get all that either. Like half of all our money that is not going out for bills and payments goes to her. hmmmph, the nerve of that woman... lol. We do all kinds of weird things like splitting house chores in half, movie nights, one for her, one for me.... how we choose dinner....

Why would CDing really be any different?? Unless of course you identify more than just a CDer. But, if you do identify as a CDer, then follow a general idea of compromise in a marriage and work off of that. Half of what you want is better than nothing at all.

[docrobbysherry]

Here's how "loving relationships" work, Ginger. U both communicate and compromise to the best of your abilities.

When one person decides it's too much trouble to do that it means the love has faded.

Then, the loving relationship is over and you become roommates. Many people separate at some point after that.

[Jenniferathome]

... I want to set the limits at a reasonable end of the scale, but reasonable to whom exactly? ...

Easy answer: to your wife. You can tell her you want z but if she is comfortable with only g, you accept g and move on. Over the next 6 months talk frequently about how comfortable she is. Your "limits" might change

[Tina_gm]

Doc, I don't know if it is the love that fades, but sometimes a compromise which works can be found. Sometimes for reasons whatever they are (and TG reasons definitely fall into this category) lives evolve and drift in directions that both partners cannot follow. While there may be anger at it all, but I would bet that for women who are not able to follow their husbands through transition it is more a sadness that they lost their husband. The love is probably always there. They just cannot go through transition. I know there is a lot on here who think.... but if they really loved their husband, they would stay with them no matter what. The problem is they fell in love with their husband.... We fall in love with who we fall in love with because of who they are. What happens when who they are no longer is who they are?

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Easy answer: to your wife. You can tell her you want z but if she is comfortable with only g, you accept g and move on. Over the next 6 months talk frequently about how comfortable she is. Your "limits" might change

Jennifer, that is definitely the case for the just CDers crowd. You, me and quite a few other members on here, we may want to dress but for whatever reasons, it isn't a good time, maybe our wives really need their man at the moment.... it might be a bit irritating, but we can survive it pretty easily. I think for many on here, it is a matter of figuring out where selfish and selfless works. I do not know where Ginger sits with all of this. Some on here when they figure themselves out realize G just isn't going to work anymore. It becomes Z or nothing. Not for selfish reasons, but just because they have figured out that Z is really just who they are.

I do agree, that given time, the "limits" might change, or may not. For the just CDer crowd, if it is a matter of selfish vs selfless, we may have to accept that G is as far as they can go.

[Stephanie47]

I commented on your previous thread about your wife faking her acceptance. At least your wife is coming clean on the issue. I think it is better for the relationship for each of you to lay all the cards on the table. Assume she would have liked you not to be a cross dresser. Nil! Nada! If I were you, I'd go for broke. You already indicated you have interest in a support group. Tell her what your end goal may be. Don't sell yourself short. You can work yourself up to your end goal slowly. Going out en femme may sound enticing right now because you have never done it. Once you do it you may find it is overrated or you may want to do it every weekend. If your wife wants to have ongoing discussions with you that is fine, as long as she is not drawing a line in the sand. Don't beg for crumbs. She needs to know up front that you have a psychological need to do what you do, whether or not you know why you need to do it. That concept is totally different than what cross dressing does for you.

[Joni T]

Look at it this way. You married a woman. What if all of a sudden she told you she wanted to dress/look/act like a man. How would you handle that?
Jon

[Tina_gm]

Stephani, I agree that she should not sell herself short, talk of what end goals she may desire for that are less than what she really feels. However, as in any relationship, and life in general, compromise is a key to better success. In life, we rarely get all of what we want or desire for. CDing won't be, shouldn't be much different. Her wife will probably wish for no CDing, most don't choose it, and would be fine without any of it. For a large majority of us, any CDing is a compromise on their part. I am not saying Ginger shouldn't make her desires known, what CDing is for her known. I am saying though since she was asking about the whole compromise part, is that we as married people should expect a compromise, and not have expectations we will get all of what we want. Life in general doesn't work this way. I really think sometimes when it comes to CDing, we set weird high expectations about it that go farther than we should. Again, this is for the CDer crowd, not those who identify as a woman.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ginger,

This question gets asked a lot here and there is much advice on the subject but to be honest you are in the best position to answer this as you are the only person who knows themselves and your wife. Relationships are never easy and when something difficult gets thrown into the mix they become a lot harder. For some, it is an easy answer . . . promise your wife whatever she wants and live with it. Some can do that without so much as pause for thought. Others cannot depending on how deep the desire to dress is. I responded to earlier post of yours that communication is the only way forward and this still applies. You need to be honest with your wife as that is what she is asking you to do. If dressing is central and you wish someday to go out dressed, she needs to know that. It will do no good to not tell her only to bring that up for consideration later. If you don't think you need to go out dressed now but might like to someday, let her know.

Another mistake I see a lot of folks make is "conceding all" to make their wives happy. As I said above, if you can do this without any emotional drawback to yourself, then do so. However, if you concede to every demand without consideration for your own emotional stability, it might seem okay at first but how long before it creeps back into your desires, needs and wants? How long before you start doing so on the sly? How long before she finds out? Even if you can suppress it, how long before it bleeds out into your relationship in other ways, anger, resentment, despair, depression. In as much as you need to be honest with your wife, you need to be honest with yourself. Once you know what it means to you then you will have your answer.

Like all advice given here, it is just that advice based on other people's personal experience. I am TS and my wife has chosen to stay with me even if that technically puts her in a same sex relationship. We have no boundaries because who I am cannot be contained by boundaries the same way I would not expect her to be someone she is not. Before anyone goes all Xena Princess Warrior on me . . . I am not saying you are TS. I am not saying you are anything because I don't know you. You know who you are and you need to explain that to your wife. Boundaries may need to be set but like any relationship they are a thing of compromise. When one party (the CDer or the SO) takes the right to decide who does what then to be honest it is not a good position to move a relationship forward IMO.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Teresa]

Ginger,
This is always going a difficult one to deal with, again I can only speak from my own experience.
You know what your wife wants from you as far as CDing is concerned but at the moment are don't appear to be able to say exactly what you want . You really need to know yourself and your needs, come to terms with it and then tell her exactly what they are so you can come to a workable situation.
At your age I was still in the closet with feelings of guilt thinking that some day it would eventually pass, it didn't come home to me until joining the forum that it's for life. I also discovered that while not being TS I did have a need to be out with my CDing for my female side to be satisfied, I eventually had to be honest about this and put it to my wife.
I posted while ago about never being a right time to come out, having a young family and a business to run made that decision difficult but eventually it had to happen because of being torn apart mentally, it took a twenty year rollercoaster ride to get the point I'm at now. Being in my sixties and just getting out he door is way too late but at least my wife and grown up family have had me as a husband, father and now grandfather so my needs are being accepted as something I always had to do but didn't because I put them first.