Part of the reason I joined this site finally was because I feel as though I'm coming to a fork in the road. My "wearing of clothes of the opposite sex" (aka crossdressing) has gotten to the point where I already wear my feminine clothes out all of the time, my wife, while she would rather I didn't, doesn't stop me, and all around, it has become somewhat routine.
Still, there are days where when I wear my skirts and dresses out I can feel every eye in the world bearing down on my back. I live in a very strict conservative region of the U.S. where phobia's on anything outside of the ordinary is deeply frowned upon. I suppose it wouldn't be as bad if I could "pass" as a woman, but I really don't want to, and there is the red blooded American in me that thinks I shouldn't have to anyway.... if we're truly free after all, why would I feel such fear about simply exercising my civil liberties to just wear what I want?
But then again, a lot of it I think about when I'm not even dressed in feminine clothes. I think about it at work, on the loading dock, and in situations where I am for lack of a better term, and "ordinary man". It is in these situations where I am a true wolf in sheep's skin. I hear the political talk, I hear the homophobia, I hear the transphobia, I hear it all. Many of the people I work with don't know I do this, and so when they are around me, they just naturally assume "I'm one of them". It reminds me where I would stand in the event this should ever come out. And it's subject to (come out), as I don't really go out of my way to hide this. Eventually someone from my professional life WILL see me dressed femininely, and word will inevitably get out. I worry because the state I live in offers no protection on this type of discrimination, and I may be harassed and/or terminated with no legal recourse whatsoever.
So ironically, it's not what hear when dressed, it's what I hear when I'm dressed in regular "guy" clothes. It's these conversations that stick with me through the day, it's what I ponder on and consider.
Then there's my wife. While I appreciate her acceptance, our marriage is far from pleasant. We fight often. I do care about her, but I worry that I'm making her miserable, and she says she worries about the same. Come on, lets face it, in the modern world, there is no such thing as true love. All love is conditional, there are always limits. Most marriages end in divorce anyway. Although she accepts my dressing, it is a punch she pulls in unrelated fights, as she knows it is one of those remarks that hits me below the belt. Often times I just feel as though she should just go and find her a good traditional man so we both would get on with our lives. It's really not a big deal, I've been through divorce before... you survive.
But still, all of this has got me thinking, it sure would be easier if I just let all this foolishness go. If I just pretended to be the man that society expects me to be. Started wearing regular men's clothes, cutting my hair, attending church, driving a Buick, etc. I wouldn't have to worry so much job loss, teasing, dirty looks, snaring, family interventions, and nasty divorces.
It's not just crossdressing, it's other things too. There are many practices I engage in that are outside of the ordinary. Life just seemed so much easier 10 years ago, back when I was still wearing the "uniform", and doing exactly as I was told. Granted, it wasn't fun, and there was a constant hole in my soul. But today, I feel that hole has been filled with bitterness. This is not the man I want to be. I seek peace. I want to be free to live my life as I see fit. My practices and hobbies bring no injury to anyone, why is it such a problem for so many people, including myself?
I see so many people in my country, in my region even that hold "good old fashioned American freedom" so high... yet when someone, like myself attempts to explore those liberties, these people proceed to shun me. So I'm like... "so which is it, do you support freedom, or tyranny?" The answer seems to be... "free... as long as you are doing what you are expected to do".
Sorry... that's not freedom.
So here I sit today, looking out at my rack of skirts and dresses, probably totally at least a $700-$800 investment total, and I'm thinking about just boxing it all up and putting it in the attic. I'm not thinking about your classic "purge" where you donate/throw it away. No, I realize this may just be a normal phase and I'll probably get over it. In fact I have had other "purges" in the past, only with different items. I had some occultic literature that I disposed of for these same reasons, and now I regret it and wish I had the books again. So I learned my lesson on that. I don't want to make that same mistake.
But anyway.... that's one of the biggest reasons I created an account here. I've GOT to find some kindred souls out there.... somewhere, someone to talk to, or at least eyes to read my story as I bleed my heart out. I feel so alone right now. And a part of me knows that if I would forsake myself, and get in line with everyone else, I would start to fit in again...
But then again... what shall it profit a man if he gains the world and looses his soul?
Sometimes I just want to cry.... often times I do.