Coming Out at work. Question

[Barbara Dugan]

I've been on HRT since last December,my original plan was to hold coming out at work for at least a year ,but changes are starting to became too obvious and the loss of strength is another issue to consider.. What are I really don't know is to who come out first ? My coworkers, immediate supervisor or the HR department,
I have very good relationship with all of them...any suggestions or advice.

[Angela Campbell]

Hr first. They can help control the message. Co workers last after a plan is worked out with hr.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Barbara;

Here was my approach...

I approached HR to see if there was a Trans Advocacy team that would provide someone as a guide is a less formal capacity to help chart my path. Which there was; a fellow MTF who'd transitioned some 16+ years prior. She was helpful and we met a few times well in advance of me doing anything within the work environment.

Know your friends at work and have 1 or 2 as guides and ears. Third; big one for me... make your list. This will be the list of who you feel the need to give them heads up ahead of time in either a 1:1 session F2F or on a call. I choose 1:1 for most and that list was quite long (and included some front line managers who I needed on board from a staffing perspective).

Choose these people well and approach them on a confidence basis and give them notice when your public unveiling will be so they are aware. This builds momentum and a foundation of support organizationally. This took ~3 months to complete. Going into these disclosures have your letter to the organization already prepared, reviewed, reviewed again. Be comfortable with what you're communicating; educate but be personal and humble at the same time. A bit of empathy developed by the reader in reading your disclosure will also help acceptance (Ive seen a few letters that have been quite combative and they wonder why they've not been accepted in the end).

Obviously your manager should be close to the top but not necessarily first. HR should be alerted prior to getting started and this conversation would be more on an official capacity. Sort out who's going to take the lead. HR may want to themselves as every organization is different. My HR team gave me the option. Once I had an idea as to how they'd approach it it was clear they'd not have the level of touch and reach I'd need to do what needed to be done so I took ownership with their oversight (I simply kept them in the loop). I'm not sure how big a team you need to disclose too but mine was World Wide and a very large organization (7000+ in my direct line and my letter went to 1/5 of the organization 20K'ish people).

It took several months to let people know 1:1 before hitting the send button on my note and that included an early coming out party as such F2F with my direct team in Vegas right before so they'd have met Jennifer ahead of time.

Be ready emotionally. Disclosure to the initial close folks is nerve wracking. Disclosure to those who should know ahead is mentally hard having the same conversation over and over; however, I was blessed with many really good stories of experiences they had within their own personal lives with Trans people which shocked me. The day of the button hitting - MIND BLOWING PERIOD. The number of responses back that went beyond simple support and congrats was overwhelming. My recommendation.. do it on a late Thursday afternoon and lay low on Friday. If you have a good picture of yourself include this in the Disclosure letter; I didn't but I did change my avatar to me name change that happened concurrently (why you need to work with HR). Leaving people with an Image helps them bridge the Before and After and not let their minds run to crazy assumptive places. Your latest picture will definitely do just fine

If you want to connect for additional details and guidance PM me or message me on FB as I'm happy to connect, bounce ideas off of, or be a second impartial set of eyes.

My goal was to make my coming out essentially a non event with no impact to the business in the end. Handle as much as possible and consider all angles ahead as best possible. That's just how it went. No question a surprise to many, equally no surprise to many, but essentially a non disruptive event. Mind you from a personal perspective it was stressful to put all this in place and continue my "day job"; do a bit of flying to tell people, and quite a few sleepless nights of concern and worry. It does pay off in the end.

Coming out at work is a big step particularly in a large organization if you are highly visible but I think these steps work equally for a smaller organization as well.

Best to you. Happy to connect.

Cheers... Jennifer

[chelyann]

first what are their policies on this? then HR and make a plan with HR to tell the group.
good luck , hope all goes well

[LeaP]

My experience is similar to Jennifer's. Only a select few know, but they were carefully selected. First was the executive sponsor of the company LGBT Employee Resource Group. The divisional HR lead was next, but that came about only because of concerns I had about a mandatory participation event (thinking t-shirts, locker rooms, etc.). Next the company's Social Responsibility manager. Four, the executive manager of HR. Finally, the company's executive risk and compliance manager (also designated as the corporate Diversity Champion). The last two are also on the company's board.

My current manager will be the LAST to know. I'm aggressively looking for a transfer out of the division. The company is generally hospitable and tolerant - this division would be ... Challenging.

People saying "congratulations" surprises me every time. I'm not even sure they know why they say it.

Depends on the company, of course, but as I would be the first transition, getting support at the top is CRITICAL (hence the board contacts). Tone and expectations have to be set through the management team. That at least gives you a fighting chance to cut through some of the BS. The way I described the situation to the leadership was that it needed focus at that level as it was an "emerging diversity area. That the company has great intentions, but no experience."

I think the message that has to be firmly planted is that gender ID discrimination IS SEX DISCRIMINATION. ... And not like it, or a variation of it, either. This is now nailed down in the US by an EEOC ruling to that effect on Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, an agency position that is also buttressed by a number of court cases. (It doesn't hurt that the risk & compliance exec is an attorney.) That translates quite naturally to which training areas into which gender needs adding, what kinds of evidences, actions, reviews, etc. are needed in taking management action, and which existing policies apply or need adjustment.

[Angela Campbell]

In more depth,

I worked for a very large global corporation. I contacted the global director of human resources (in hong Kong) using an email that could not be traced to me. I asked about the company policy on transitioning. After some discussion I identified myself and was connected to the director of hr for North America.
Together we worked out a schedule and how to go about it. Next was a meeting with my manager and his manager. Eventually the rest of the company.

I took 2 months off for FFS, and name change. Came back as angela and at that time notified my Co workers. I treated it as a medical condition with all the information I could easily give. I supplied the company with letters from my doctors and my therapist.

The transition went very smoothly.

[Badtranny]

Well, as you've probably already figured out; plans made today are discarded by the transition tomorrow. The lesson here is; don't try too hard to manage it. Get advice (from those who have done it) and then move forward. I tried very hard to manage the expectations and the message, and in the end, I still lost my job.

In transition as in life, control is mostly just an illusion. Remember that there are countless reasons to not transition and only ONE reason to do it.

The best packed parachute still needs to be opened before it works.

[Barbara Dugan]

Thanks ladies for the insight. I work on a oil related industry and the company is a global one, and the past few months had been of uncertainty.
I need to start researching if there is something specific for LGTB issues.
Did the HR department ask you for a letter from your therapist?

[Angela Campbell]

No, I wasn't asked but gave them that along with information about the need for treatment by the apa and other information on title IX

I did Draft a letter to be read by and to all employees explaining gd, transition and the medical need to transition.

[pamela7]

normally, tell HR first, they have policies, they know how it needs to be announced and won't be happy if you do it your way ... with them onside you can then tell boss first then colleagues - you might want to speak to boss, then visit HR with him/her ...?

[Eringirl]

For me it was my boss, and the Department head (Senior VP). That went super well...they are my biggest supporters at work right now!! HR Director was next. While not a global organization, we have 25,000 stake holders at my site, so there are larger policies and admin involved. He is going to take care of all that. Of the 350 in my department, reporting is split between my two bosses. They are going to deal with any issues that come up, if any. Not me. They don't feel that is my job. Any negative behaviour is grounds for immediate dismissal according to our organizations TG Bill of Rights. So they will deal with it.

We then put together a strategy to target sub department heads who would be supportive (which is all of them....lucky me!! :smile: ) That way, they can deal with any negativity IMMEDIATELY in their area. The crafting of the message for everybody else is my responsibility, but with their input. It will go out via the Director of HR as a staffing announcement. I have also contacted VPs of other departments which went really well. They are super supportive and will deal with any issues with their staff. So far, none. Finally, for me, the media may be an issue, so we are working on a plan for that. A little bit of Cait Jenner Syndrome for me...very high visibility and many times the face of the organization in the global setting. Hoping that we will not have to execute on that plan, but better to be prepared and not have to use it, ya know??

The important point is to have a plan, involve key people in your company when possible....they will be looked to for setting the standard and tone for appropriate response.

Hope it all goes well.

[LeaP]

Misty, the parachute line is priceless!

Angela's response made me recall that I called an internal HR exec anonymously about a year and a half ago. Why anonymously? Because HR isn't there for YOU! HR exists PRIMARILY to protect the company. They have all the touchy-feely stuff, too, but don't confuse operational management and policy enforcement with representation! So the anonymous call was to first see what existed already at the company, which would inform my subsequent steps. What existed at that point was "Nothing+". There was a diversity statement which included gender identity and expression, but that was it. No transitions, no insurance coverage (at that point), no HRC rating, no policies, no knowledge.

If you're going to hit HR first, cold, while identifying yourself, set it up as a HIPAA-protected medical discussion and DOCUMENT THAT in the meeting invitation or email. The ramifications for the HP rep violating your medical privacy by discussing it with anyone are potentially pretty bad. I did that with my divisional HR rep.

[Barbara Dugan]

Thank you again Ladies all the advice is valuable , yes indeed the parachute line is priceless .
Lea bring a very good point about how to bring the subject with the HR dept.

[Emjay]

I'm a maintenance supervisor in the auto manufacturing industry. My company has a *very* strong diversity statement and an 85 HRC rating so I wasn't terribly concerned with repercussions but I did want to do this with the least amount of drama/disruption.

I contacted HR first via email to identify who within HR I needed to speak with regarding a "personal life event" (I think that's how I put it, or something very similar). Once I determined who that was (I was right on my first try), we set up a meeting with just the two of us for me to expand on that. I had offered to get documentation from my therapist if they needed it but it wasn't required.

My contact in HR wanted to contact the diversity council within my company for further direction, which he did. We had both agreed in that first meeting that we wanted to do this "right", whatever that means. He was very supportive, which was the important part. We had a few more private meeting to discuss next steps. Then met with a select few members of management including my manager, the area manager and production manager from my shift. That led to a larger meeting with even more people from within/without my immediate group and officially coming out.

I had decided early on that I wanted the announcement to my own group to come directly from me to help dispel any rumors/gossip about the situation. Just before the last meeting and official announcement to the organization as a whole I had a smaller meeting with my guys to read a letter I had written for the day.

We also decided to plan all of this to be the day before leaving for a weeks' vacation to act as a buffer between "old me" at work and "new me". This part was my idea and I'm glad I did it this way. It gave HR the opportunity to make sure all of the other work groups in my facility were properly informed and it gave me several days to collect myself after coming out, which I needed.

All said, the process took about two months and things have gone really smoothly ever since.

[karenpayneoregon]

I work in a State agency as a software developer.

I first asked my therapist, she recommended approaching human resources as my first contact which I did. Next I setup a meeting with my immediate supervisor, he was very supportive and suggested I talk to my immediate team of six people.

Before I had the meeting with my immediate team one co-worker I’ve worked with for 20 years kept asking me questions “so what is this surgery you are having?” he was persistent and with that decided to take him into a room and disclose my plans. The first words out of his mouth was, I thought you had a serious aliment like cancer. He then said something to the tune of, I know at least for our immediate team you will be accepted (and he was right). At one point he then said, now you can get a Miata. I told several co-workers I wanted one and they said it’s a car for females.

From there told my supervisor I wanted to have a segment of our bi-monthly meeting to announce my plans for gender reassignment surgery.

Human resources was very supportive especially with restroom usage, they said according to law it was my choice to use male or female restroom which in turn I elected to use the male restroom until coming back from surgery leave.

In our unit meeting I announced my intentions to 20 co-workers and then followed up with an email for my work area comprising of 60 people.

I provided my supervisor with a message to distribute if needed to the entire agency of 1,000 workers.

Important to know, Oregon where I live has strong laws to protect transgender people so I had no concerns for losing my job or discrimination. What I was concerned about was that some people would not care for my choice.

Coming back to work four weeks post-op I had a great welcome back to work. As I expected some ignored me, a whooping count of three co-workers to this day still ignore me big time.

What I believed assisted in all of the above was first practicing what I would say to the intended parties along with advice from a book “True Selves”. And a simple phrase at the end of each announcement “I am still the same person inside”.

[PretzelGirl]

My plan was documented and followed, which seems to be the outlier. But it was more along the lines of Erin where I went to my boss as I trusted him and didn't know my HR.

I will just skip to a couple of thoughts:
- When you go to HR, have a list of questions and thoughts as you will forget something if you don't.
- While it is good to do things in a manner that protect your rights, try to not let that come out in a combative manner. As said above, HR is there to protect the company. They will generally work with you, but if you become perceived as a problem child, you start diminishing your standing.
- I would limit how many co-workers you tell until you tell your boss and HR. You don't want the leak to get ahead of you and put you in a bad spot.

[Barbara Dugan]

Thanks Sue, I guess that beside the disclosure to the HR what worries me is how will this affect my interaction with my co-workers..I work general maintenance and interact with everyone at the facility.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Barbara;

Surprisingly I think im in better shape now then prior. A good part of that is just shear happiness and a sense of comfort in who I am which comes through most days - especially when F2F.

I had 2 in my team that I was concerned about beyond my mgr but by this time I'd crossed that bridge already and he was a challenge as well. One was the 2nd person I disclosed to. Nothing changed there. Later in the process I had one person which I anticipated might have some issues due to religious principles. Indeed he did for a short period but came to realize that 1) my family was solid and strong, 2) my happiness came through, 3) I continued to work with him the same way and it was as normalcy that showed him we were good and our relationship is stronger then ever now.

It all comes down to how you approach the issue with folks. Humble and open vs. confronting and pushy or trying to get them to understand. Tell your story, tell them how you feel, and what brought you to this point in a simple way. Not everyone will get it; you have to understand that and be ready for it. If your organization is diversity strong then you have policy to assist in keeping staff in check.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Rogina B]

I know Barbara a bit..The Texas based industry [oilfield support] that she works in does not "see transitioners every day"...This will be a big deal for her workplace. Doing the proper thing with management all the while growing a thick and tough skin for those "that don't and won't get it". Hopefully,her good work will be the main factor in their acceptance of her transition. She works in an industry that changes people out like a broken wrench especially with an industry downturn. I truly wish her all the best,knowing of her work world.

[flatlander_48]

Some years back our LGBT employee affinity group invited Dr. Maggie Stumpp to come and talk about her experiences when she transitioned in place. I was out of the country at the time, but as I understand, this article captures a lot of what she said.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/when-mar...d-into-maggie/

DeeAnn

[PennyNZ]

I loved that article DeeAnn

Penny

[flatlander_48]

HR is there to protect the company.

Some years ago I supervised a group of engineers and technicians. A significant part of the training effort for supervisors and managers centered around eliminating, or at least minimizing, liability for the company. For what we did, the obvious things were safe equipment design and safe operating practices, but it also extends to things like appropriate and fair hiring practices, being the first line regarding implementing HR policies, etc. As a consultant we had put it: "The idea is to keep the noise down.". Clearly something like transitioning is a potential disruption in the work place. Since leading the process may be something that a lot of HR people have little or no experience with, I suspect that leading your transition from the rear would probably be useful. After all, who always looks out for your interests?

I loved that article DeeAnn

Penny

Very good! I've always been sorry that I missed that event...

DeeAnn

[Barbara Dugan]

Just a quick update, I already sent an E-mail to HR to discuss about it.
I guess there is no turning back now.

[I Am Paula]

There you go. You've pulled the pin. I hope for the very best result. Keep us posted.

[Suzanne F]

Congratulations and good luck!