Sheri,
I'm not sure if purging is the right thing to do, it's an acceptance that your CDing is wrong and you may be cured if you have no clothes to wear !
I have to agree with Stephanie on this one the clothes satisfy the needs of the female part of me, they help bring that part of me to life, I can go out the door and be Teresa.
Last edited by Teresa; 04-26-2016 at 01:19 PM.
Sherri's wife's reaction is still a very common one of many members here. I know we like to say DON'T PURGE! but the reality is that new clothes can be bought. Expensive to purge yes, but for the immediate situation going on, don't beat Sherri up too much for this.
Something hit a crossroads between Sherri's wife and Sherri. The best thing to do is let the dust settle, then maybe add in some conversation about how both of them are feeling. The words do hurt Sherri, I can relate. Early on (a few weeks) after my reveal to my wife, she called me a F-ing freak. For that I did stand up and told her I would not take being called that. I sort of put it to her that if what I do is really that bad, maybe she should leave. She quickly apologized, literally within minutes after she had said it. Still though, those kinds of words can be devastating. I have made miles of progress with my wife, but there is still a lot of stuff about CDing I just don't go to with her, or talk about. You love who you love, I fell in love with a woman who was partially raised on a dairy farm, and an old fashioned one at that. Very conservative, very christian. To think I am still married and as of last night, still highly engaged in future life plans does say something. Take a breather, in time, things can settle down and some feelings will come out. It may not all be very pleasant, in fact it probably shouldn't be. Sometimes we have to hit the reset button. It takes time for the reboot.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
I don't know of a single person (and I include myself as well) that did NOT regret throwing out their feminine clothing at some point in their lives. As others have said, it's different if it's stuff you no longer wear or want to wear, or it doesn't fit anymore.Originally Posted by SheriM
However, it's a reaction out of guilt in most cases. Crossdressing for most of us isn't something we can usually turn on and off....although there's often periods of abstinence, and much later, comes a period of Pink Fog recurrence as thick as pea soup. You can't be who others want you to be. You have to be who YOU are. It simply doesn't go away when it becomes inconvenient.
Last edited by Piora; 04-26-2016 at 04:39 PM.
"Taking the time to be in touch with my feminine side"
i would have to agree with others...purging clears the mind and soul for only a few minutes....but your closet forever...
it feels good at the time, but not beneficial in the long run
Gosh, why is everyone focusing on the purging here. Sheri didn't get rid of everything and Sheri will buy more. The biggest issue is their marriage.
Sorry you had to purge.
I hope you won't mind but I took the liberty of reading some of your past posts. I also hope you won't mind my candor, but the situation between you and your wife is such a mess that any suggestion to do things differently than you've done in the past can't make anything worse.
Reading through some of your posts I noticed that you have a lot of female clothes, some obviously feminine like all your skirts and some not so obvious that you were hoping your wife would not notice were women's clothes. You also do dress frequently because you travel on business and you also have the chance to shop and dress in your home town. On a few occasions you've been "busted" with tan lines, or running into a friend who hugged you while you were wearing a bra, or wearing women's capris at home when a neighbor noticed and asked you outright if they were women's capris. On those occasions, your wife didn't say a word and you were hoping this meant that she was headed towards acceptance (no, she wasn't). Also, since you have so many clothes, do you think that your wife might not have noticed those as well.
Yet above, you say that you're afraid to have the conversation with your wife so I assume the CDing at this point is a huge white elephant in your marriage that has never been discussed properly.
I do want to point out there is nothing more harmful to any relationship than issues that are not discussed. This causes each partner to fill in the blanks by themselves (for example you imagine what your wife's reaction might be if you tell all, and your wife imagines God knows what about the CDing). So these "unspoken" things cause a rift that deepens until an incident happens like finding your skirt this week, and then everything explodes, causing you to purge. I'm guessing you are purging not because you intend on stopping to crossdress, but you rather want to make a show to your wife that you're getting rid of all your clothes. This is not a good way to handle it because it will serve to reinforce to your wife that you agree that you should not be CDing. Still, you didn't get rid of all of it, and you likely will get more, and so the situation will repeat itself the next time that your wife finds an article of clothing. And each time the situation repeats itself, more trust is eroded on her part which has the potential to make her even less tolerant of the CDing than before.
Do you see what I'm getting at? I suspect there has been a pattern of having you CD more than she thought you were, then getting "caught", then you make promises that you do not intend to keep and you continue to do things behind her back, then you get caught again, etc, etc, etc. This is NOT the way to get a wife to accept.
The two of you do need to sit down and talk about this. In depth. And this means having you tell her why you need to crossdress, how it makes you feel, when it started, why you cannot stop, in addition to telling her what your ultimate goals are (you do not plan on transitioning, you are not interested in having your employer and other people know, it is not sexual for you [I assume], etc), in addition to telling her that you cannot keep doing this behind her back because if you continue at this rate your marriage will become eroded beyond repair. So now is the time for the two of you to set some boundaries that you fully intend on keeping and strike a bargain. This means a compromise: she cannot have it all her way with no CDing, and you cannot have it all your way (with whatever might be a deal-breaker for your wife, for example wearing girlie clothes in front of your friends).
But, judging by your posts, it looks as if the two of you aren't good at talking? Does this apply to just the CDing or everything else in your life. If you've maintained a no-communication/no-compromise pattern and instead have engaged in patterns of doing what you want behind each other's backs all of your married lives, you are correct to believe that starting to communicate and compromise with the issue of CDing will be very difficult.
And so I think the two of you need to either get self-help books on how to improve marriages through better communication and compromise, or seek help with a counselor.
What do you think of this plan.
Reine
I think this speaks to the topic, take it in context of course!
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...-seen-a-She-he
Sherri, Am I missing something. You said "She accepted underwear from the waist down, panties, girdle, nylon stockings and or pantyhose." Is a skirt so much more offensive to her than stockings and pantyhose?
Is it upsetting because a skirt becomes outward dress and presenting instead of simply under dressing?
You all will have to work that out on your own. On the forum, we can only encourage and support. We can't really coach because we don't know your relationship.
Best of luck to you, I hope you guys can move forward in a relationship. Especially if children are involved.
Reine, you are probably right. Lena, I think the skirt confirmed to her that I am a crossdressers. Underwear is underwear, the skirt crossed the line.
A long time ago when Ann Landers gave advise she answered a marital problem this way. She said when a marriage reaches a point that their is no way to fix the problems, one must ask themselves, would my life be better off with her or without her ?
If you can't do like Reine says and the wife is not willing to give any, then you may need to ask yourself that question.
The very best to you,
Amy
Sheri,
If I might ask the question why was acceptable at one time to do underwear but not a skirt, I assume she accepted you underdressing as long as she didn't see the evidence ?
Also was dressing the top half always totally out of the question with her or didn't you find the need to do it ? I will admit I have a mental block about buying forms, for some reason I feel it's a step too far. I have no idea what thoughts my wife has about me wearing a bra and what I choose to form a bust, I just feel she would prefer it that I hadn't spent money on them, as for totally formed breasts with nipples it could be way over the top for her to accept them.
sad thing is that most women wear pants. pants were a male garment. they went through hell to get to wear them without being frowned upon. I think women forget that stuff. they have no right to be upset over s male in a skirt in my opinion
Charlessa, when the majority of men fight as hard as women did to wear skirts and this results in a near 100% adoption of men wearing skirts (like women who wear pants), then I don't think you'll find any wife getting upset if her husband also wears skirts.
Reine
Every person has a right to feel how they feel. If you want to change how they feel you have to do something about it.
It should be noted that women in the US fought hard from 1880 to at least 1945 to get to "wear a male garment" and then had to re-fight it constantly through the 50's and 60's to nail that down. Our fight is young in comparison.
Thanks for all of your suggestions, comments, etc. It helps to read them. Life is mostly back to normal now although there is a cool atmosphere in our house at times. Nothing more has been said about the skirt. I am still wearing panties vs male tighty whities and although she would prefer that I change, I don't think I can. I did get rid of the pink and red and lace underwear to try to meet her half way. I guess life is good.
I wouldn't say never, but Contempt is the biggest marker for predicting relationship failure. Gottman's research (experiment, not unsubstantiated psychobabble) shows that it is the ratio of positive to negative interactions that matters most and that contempt is the most toxic.
http://simplemarriage.net/how-to-spo...riage-killers/
I have to question your definition of a "good marriage" here. She has gone from being tolerant to abusive. You can't talk about things so issues build until she can't hold her anger back or you purge to resolve what you think might be the problem, but aren't really sure. You are walking on eggshells, evidently expecting her to lash out again. That doesn't sound like a good and healthy marriage to me, rather, it sounds like one that has been fraying at the edges for quite a while and needs some work. You have the issue of crossdressing but her issues seem to be ones that are creating both emotional and physical stress, and that is a health issue that shouldn't be ignored.
I'm sure there is love underlying the relationship but it sounds like inertia has taken over. Did you used to be able to talk over things? You know she has other issues unrelated to you, but do you know what they are and does she trust you to offer advise that might help her resolve those issues? Others have said, and I agree, you need to talk. Preferably with a professional counselor since there is so much tension in the relationship now. If you believe it is a good marriage, it is worth saving and rebuilding the love and trust it was founded on.
Sarah
Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
SheriM, Communication is the most important thing to keep a relationship in order. If you say you have a good marriage and that other issues are bothering her and you do not know them. Gee I could think of some of those things. As I said communication is the most important item in a relationship. Sit down and talk to her about everything including all of her items before you lose this marriage.
Part Time Girl
Purging won't save a marriage. It might put the end of the marriage off for a bit but so or later somebody is going to buy some more clothes and hide them. Then if the wife finds them all heck will break lose once again. Best to get what is the problem out and talk about it.
You are a cross dresser. Purging will not change that. You and your wife need to have a deep conversation about your cross dressing and what you expect from the relationship. Get information either through books, articles and if possible find a good counsellor to help you through the discussion.
What you have described is just sweeping the problem under the rug. That is not a solution. Both of you need to find an enjoyable life together if at all possible and it will not just happen of its own volition.
I know this is very hard for you both and I wish you every success.
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