I've never heard of anyone doing their legal name change before going full-time. And you're taking it a step further and doing your name change before even going part-time?
I have to agree with JanePeterson. Transitioning is a very long process (especially the social aspect). And attempting to do it all overnight is just... it might be too much to handle emotionally. I'm worried about you. Is your therapist on-board with this plan?
I did, might not have been wise at the time, but felt there was NO going backwards. I was full time with family & friends but not work, handled work after name change. Did not have to appear in court, lawyer handled that. Was NO Gender change till after SRS back then. We just pushed ahead with our transitions back then.Originally Posted by Mirya
Technically, I did it 1 week before going full-time. That was just the time it took to get enough of my ID in order to not have to deal with mixed identification at work (between email vs. payroll, etc.). I was "full time except for work" for almost a year at that point though...
Coming out is like discovering that you've been drowning your whole life after actually breathing air for the first time.
Cook County hearings are on Monday mornings so I'll be off work that day and will have ALL WEEKEND after getting off work Friday to finally be me. I'll rush to find a place that can clean up my eyebrows and make them appear more feminine. I was cursed with a unibrow growing up and with laser on the full face, including the eyebrows, waxing is not happening on my face until I'm done with laser.
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Right now, I'm lucky if full time starts before the October holidays. I'm planning to be with family for Thanksgiving and my brother and SIL don't know yet if their oldest daughter will understand what's happening. The next time I see them is at the start of October and I am trying my darndest not to go full time by then. I am aiming for the last weekend of October but it could be much sooner.
I spoke to religious trans friends of mine to see how they did the whole full time/part time thing. Pretty much, the ones I know skipped part time in public and did the single day transition.
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I'm skipping part time in public altogether.
I'm still apart of a very religious community and I have no plans to leave it.
We have seriously tight security at work. Badge must be worn at all times. Finger printing just to get in the door. It's easier to get the ID changed like right as I go full time rather than be full time except for work. Dress code is pretty strict, too, and I'd like to remove all these pants that are too large now that I've lost nearly 20 pounts and polos that are making it harder to hide growing boobs!
Last edited by MissDanielle; 08-28-2016 at 11:11 PM.
I'm a nice Jewish girl.
I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman.
Oh, phew! I'm sure two days will be more than enough to rebuild your self-image and be comfortable in your own skin while stepping out the door as a woman for the first time on the way to one of the most important days of your life. I mean, especially if you get your brows done... Brows are obviously like half the battle.
Best of luck to you, and I sincerely hope you know what you're doing.
Coming out is like discovering that you've been drowning your whole life after actually breathing air for the first time.
Ms D,
Firstly congrats on moving forward with legal changes (e.g., name, gender) but, I think you are missing the point of what others are trying to impress upon you. Can you just go from boy to girl overnight and face the world as such the following day? I suppose you can. However, a legal name change, gender marker change and various cosmetic alterations is not a suit of armor when dealing with the world as a trans woman. You seem to feel that once your name and gender change is completed, then it will be all 5x5 transition complete and the world will see you as a woman. Unfortunately that is not always the case. Legal changes, cosmetic changes and even surgical changes are part of the process however the one thing I learned here and IMHO the message being given to you . . . you can do all that but until you are comfortable with the fact that people will see you as a trans woman (i.e., comfortable in your own skin), it is going to be tough road. Presenting in public as a woman part-time is going to give you the skills required to make that change when you are ready to go full-time as you would have met many challenges head on (e.g., interacting with people, having family and friends see you as you are and introducing work colleagues to the new you). Presenting as boy one day and girl the next without ground work (i.e., never having done it for protracted periods of time) . . . just saying . . . it could be difficult.
Don't take this as a condemnation of your plan. Who knows perhaps you are made of stronger stuff than most and will weather the overnight transition with little difficulty. I think folks are trying to give you the benefit of some experience.
Cheers
Marcelle
This is the part i don't understand
Part time is the EASY part - small steps, incremental growth, learning to live as yourself, learning who you are
I think this will be the last time I offer any advice - it seems you've set a course and nobody can change you mind... so best of luck and I hope everything works out
Hi Danielle,
I wish you the best using your chosen methodology. We all go about this a little differently ...but, by posting your intent here... I assume you are inviting commentary on your plan...so here is mine... The reason you are seeing some hesitation, resistance and cautionary tone in the posts here is because, those here that have the perspective gained by navigating the obstacles you have ahead, see that you are choosing a particularly rough road to get to your destination when smoother ones exist.... I think you would do well to take at least a few swimming lessons before you jump off the high diving board into the deep end of the pool.
Take Care,
Ashley
Last edited by tgirlamc; 08-29-2016 at 12:36 PM.
Have you seen the little pieces of the people we have been?... Little pieces blowing gently on the wind... 11:11
Danielle,
Ya' know how you make a plan and look at it later and laugh at how sideways it all went? This won't be something you get a do-over on. At least think about what these women are telling you. If you need to...go to Milwaukee or something, get a hotel....wander around downtown and see how it all fits. At least give yourself a fighting chance. We all want the best for you.....and that's the truth. Lisa
Miss D... I have one friend who took the same approach. For the past year I've had more than my share of "if I'd only known" or "I didn't realize". Translation she didn't listen. In our neck of the woods we have a saying... You've just relinquished your bitch card.... No post coming out bitching allowed.
I am who I am... I'm happy...I mean truly to the bone happy...and at peace with myself for the first time ever. I'm confident and content as the woman I am.
My money is extremely tight at the moment so no out of town vacations unless it's for Thanksgiving or in December. I have not had a vacation all summer long. Thanksgiving is already a huge fight with my family...and I mean HUGE. Aside from my brother who was in town this weekend for a family event, I have not seen my parents since before I moved. They don't want to see me presenting as female...ever.
I know SEVERAL others who skipped part time and went straight to full time.
The thing with part time is this: I see friends at the train in the morning when I leave for work. I see friends at the grocery store almost all the time. Improv shows, too. So please tell me how do I explain to them I am not a CDer when they would see me as male and female. Reminder: I do not have a car. I do not have the luxurious expense of driving somewhere to present part time.
If I do part time at all, it is the day my friend helps me with makeup and the day another one organizes a clothing swap.
My only social life at the moment is shul and improv. I don't socialize with co-workers after work and I am not FB friends with them either.
As a sidenote: I lived in my apartment as a female while presenting as male in public before starting HRT. It damn near killed me getting through the day. My fake boobs played a tremendous role in keeping dysphoria at bay while in my apartment. My social life paid the price as a result as it pretty much turned me into a recluse. I'm going to have to wear a wig as it is.
I'm already out on Facebook as it is. My close friends accept me for who I am so socially, going full time won't be a problem.
I'm a nice Jewish girl.
I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman.
Ms D,
You do what you thing is right and what works for you. We are just providing you with some of our own experience.
The one thing I don't understand is that you say you are out on Facebook so that implies that the same people you fear running into at the store, improv shows and shul . . . must know that you are trans. So . . . just saying if you present from time to time as a woman and they question it which I doubt they will since they know your plan is to transition, but should they question you, I would just let them know you are easing into things and this is part of the process. In my own transition, after I came out to my family and social circle I started presenting part time to get a comfort level and it slowly eased into full time with many valuable lessons learned.
Cheers
Marcelle
Not everyone at shul is on FB.
I didn't want to come out on FB when I did. I was planning to wait a bit longer but the bathroom bills forced me to no longer be silent.
Presenting part time, in my mind, implies that I'm a crossdresser, which I am not. I'm transgender. But for some, there's no difference between the two.
Last edited by MissDanielle; 08-29-2016 at 06:04 PM.
I'm a nice Jewish girl.
I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman.
In between is a natural healthy and character building process that establishes your readiness and confidence. Trust me thinking you'll be totally presentation ready in sept is a bit of a fantasy. Heck I've been ft for over a year still have to deal with messy days with a scratchy face during electro as one example. There's a great deal of work to this emotionally and physically.
I am who I am... I'm happy...I mean truly to the bone happy...and at peace with myself for the first time ever. I'm confident and content as the woman I am.
I think part time is much harder than full. I have taken abuse from acquaintances and strangers all my life for one thing or another, mostly for not being manly enough, and I didn't give a good goddamn; but it is the loss of love from my dearest that I fear the most. I don't care if strangers stone me to death, frankly. At my age I'll die, one way or the other, pretty soon.
Time for a change.
Okay... I'm going to add one more attempt at tough love, because I am genuinely concerned about you. I haven't tried to give you any sort of feedback in a long time, and this will almost certainly be the last time I do so before whatever comes of your plan.
The same way you (presumably) came out to them? Coming out is not a matter of convenience. It's a matter of necessity. Ignoring some very particular exceptions, none of which apply to you, driving somewhere else to "dress" is CD shit. Walk out your damn door. You live in Chicago of all places. Walk outside, catch the L, and go to boy's town.
The only thing turning you into a recluse is your overwhelming fear of the world. You have created this prison, and you are the only one who can let yourself out. There is nothing wrong with wearing a wig. Some women have no choice. Wearing breast forms in your apartment alone has taught you nothing about being comfortable as a woman in the real world. Nothing.
With all due respect... Facebook is not the real world. Not even close. More to the point, your friends accepting you is nowhere even close to your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is YOU accepting yourself. People talk about "learning to be comfortable being yourself" because it involves - wait for it - LEARNING. It doesn't happen in an instant, and right now you're betting your sanity (and quite possibly your court appearance) on it doing just that.
"Poor me." Bullshit. If you were living as a woman, they might have. Nothing forced you.
Presenting part-time while being TS implies that you are IN TRANSITION. What do you think transition is? WHO GIVES A SHIT whether other people wonder if you're a crossdresser or not? If you honestly think that possibility, or even the fear of that possibility, is going to go away just because you went to court and declared yourself full-time, you are sadly mistaken.
You are heading for a nervous breakdown the first time you try to leave your house as a woman. You will be nervous, scared, and frankly, you might not make it out. All of us have been there. Do you really want that to be the morning of a court date where you have to go stand in front of a judge and look sincere in your request for a name/gender change?
Personally, I don't think you're anywhere close to ready to go full-time, and I can assure you that it has nothing to do with whether you pass or not. I don't know what the conversations you've had with your therapist about this are like. I'm assuming you are having them, but I think you need to seriously consider that you might actually be going about this in a way that doesn't end well for you. I've read your blog, and to me you seem detached in a lot of ways. Transition is not a checklist to run down, and that is what I see you doing. If I thought you had an amazing grasp of what to expect, and seemed genuinely prepared to deal with it, I would STILL be concerned. I don't really see that in you, so I'm VERY concerned.
Paperwork is not transition - it's paperwork. Laser is not transition - it's laser. HRT isn't even transition (at least not on its own). You have been avoiding the actual work of transition, and full-time with nowhere to run is not the time or the place to be doing it. Please trust me.
Best of luck with whatever you do. I've said my piece, and I genuinely hope things work out for you.
Last edited by Zooey; 08-29-2016 at 09:37 PM.
Coming out is like discovering that you've been drowning your whole life after actually breathing air for the first time.
Surely you cannot be serious.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
I presented part time for five years before I went full time. Like many, are first I thought I was a CDer, but later I understood myself better.
The incremental path worked pretty well for me. Others feel more urgency and jump right in. Everyone is different.
One thing that I didn't expect happened when I took my last vacation before transitioning at work. I was full time in my own community. I was amazed that occasionally I would walk into a restaurant or store and see a co-worker who showed no signs of recognition at all. I was so far out of context that they ignored me as they would ignore any woman my age!
For us, part time was harder. The need to switch back and forth, to adopt my man disguise for work, and particularly Mimi's need to keep my secret put a lot of stress on us. Now I'm out, everybody knows, and we can be ourselves.
Last edited by Eryn; 08-29-2016 at 10:31 PM.
I know for me the part time, full time but not at work, and the Monday having to do same was very trying on me. One reason why I had to push on at work. Such a relief after going full time everywhere.
Exactly. Now throw in the fact that I see somebody from shul just about every morning at the train station.
I'm a nice Jewish girl.
I'm not a girl, Not yet a woman.
Sorry, you could not be more wrong. When you are TS presenting part time is not cross dressing because you do not identify as a man but as a woman. Look, from what I read of your posts I do not get the impression you have ever ventured outside dressed as a woman, I could be wrong and if I am please feel free to correct me. Now, I am not talking about some stealth ninja femme mode where you walk down the hallway of your apartment complex and drop off your garbage or take the elevator down to the ground floor and walk outside in the dark. I am talking up close and personal in broad daylight, interacting with folks and going about your day.
If you have never done that, while it seems simple to just walk outside declaring yourself a woman, if you are not comfortable in your own skin with how you look to the world the fear can be paralyzing. My first time out in the light of day, it took me over an hour to just walk to my car from the house and another 40 minutes to talk myself out of the car to do simple thing like walk into a store, walk around then go straight back to my car. Without a doubt this was the hardest, scariest thing I ever did in my life including combat. It took months of working up to just being comfortable existing in the outside world (not interacting too much), I then had to dig deep to start interacting up close and personal. I assume you take public transit in your everyday life as you don't have a car. Do you know how difficult it can be to stand shoulder to shoulder with people mere inches from your face when you are taking your fledgling steps in the world as a woman? I'll save you the guess . . . extremely hard because every flaw, every masculine feature is right there in people's face to scrutinize . . . this is what we mean by being comfortable in your own skin because that is how real it gets.
If you are waiting to "pass" before you face the world . . . I am sorry . . . you have a long wait unless you have been genetically gifted or undergone FFS. Because of my smaller frame, long hair and clothing, I blend at a distance or when people are not paying attention but I never survive first contact. People will look at me and always see the male. The salient point we are trying to make is that until you are comfortable with yourself and comfortable with the fact that people will see you as TS . . . interacting in your day to day is going to be extremely difficult. Part time helps build those skills, develops that thick skin and brings you to the conclusion that regardless of what people see, you know who you are . . . a woman and in the end that is all that counts.
I have said my peace . . . take it for what it is worth.
Marcelle
Danielle, I heard about this discussion and came back to see what is going on. I have to say, I am perplexed. You come to a support group and you are choosing to ignore all of the support that is being given to you. I am concerned for you. I believe all people can transition however they wish, but that doesn't mean that I think all ways are good ways. You are being given the gift of experience here, please heed it. Everyone is sharing these thoughts with you because they care. You are heading for massive problems on your current path and you are blowing off everyone who cares and is trying to help.
I had what could be something really close to a perfect transition. I lost nothing. I lost no one. After about two weeks, my friends at work where telling me everyone stopped talking and just accepted me. I have been treated phenomenally well. Why? I was out getting used to myself long before I went full time. I was figuring out how I wanted to look. I was getting comfortable being around people and talking with them. This level of comfort doesn't happen overnight. But I got there. And I got there before I did my name change and before going on hormones as those don't affect your general comfort in public. Plus I am here to tell you, most every one of us still thinks we look male once we went full time and we had to fight those thoughts for a long period of time, some are still fighting. There is no magic pill of acceptance here.
No one says that you have to go out where your friends are. We all went through great pains to get out and we went for walks, to the movies, a restaurant..... something. But it takes repetitions. It takes time. There is no overnight solution. But you can do it and it doesn't take money. Just walk. Start by seeing how much you can keep your head up (it is hard). Then try looking at people you pass in the eye, then smile, then greet them. Do it all progressively. You will be surprised how long it takes you to get used to it. But you have to be able to do these things to interact with other people.
Before you can ever expect other people to accept you, you need to accept yourself.
Really listen to them Ms. D... open your heart and mind and listen..........
Enjoy our new life and seek peace
Danielle, I am going to do exactly what I said I wouldn't which is comment on this further. Please understand that the comments on your thread are not meant to criticize you, the comments are meant to help you. People here are actually concerned for your best interests. It may feel like they are trying to beat you up, criticize etc. What they are trying to do is explain why in their opinion you are proceeding down a very difficult road.
The members on here that are giving you this advice have lived this and gained experience and they are trying to make your journey a little easier. I am only a little further than you on this journey but I can assure you that the advice I have received and taken from the more senior members of this group has been invaluable. Please consider their advice as an attempt to help and not criticism.
If you do move forward with your plans and strategy as they are now I do hope it works out for you. Maybe you will be right but I fear it is going to be a more difficult learning process than it has to be and it is already hard enough. You do have my best wishes regardless of what you decide to do.
Hi Danielle. Actually, you are inferring that presenting part time means you are are crossdresser. It is all in your head. Until you settled that in your own mind, it is going to be a tough go. And regardless of how you do this, it is going to be a tough go. This ain't for the feint of heart. I transitioned because I HAD TO, not because I wanted to. I couldn't see any other path to survival...literally. That's what got me outside the door. There was no other option. I was at that point. Maybe you are there, maybe you are not. Your call on that. Now, my process was nowhere near perfect, so I am no expert. But like Sue, my transition to full time (meaning 24/7 everywhere with everyone) was flawless. No issue. Not one. Full acceptance with friends, colleagues at work, and my family etc. But a lot of prep and hard work went into that, and a lot of listening to some very wise counsel, including for some wonderful folks on this forum whom I am proud to call friends.
I too was part time (everywhere except work), and yes it sucked and was tough. But every day was a day closer to going full time, and that's how I got through it. Given my personal circumstances I had to take that path. In the end, it all worked out, but man, it was a lot of work....A LOT. No matter how one does this, it is tough. One has to but the work into it. It ain't for the feint of heart, to coin a phrase. So, chose your path wisely, and do what you have to do. But remember, all decisions have consequences. And you may not like the consequences, but you choose that path. That is all part of this wild and wacky ride.
As is the case with many others on this forum, I wish you only the best and success in whatever route you choose to your destination. Just don't forget to fasten your seatbelt and watch for the signs that lead to detours and rough road so that you are ready for them, 'cause they are out there.
Seize the day. Life is short, and you're dead a long time...just sayin' ...
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