Need advice with my wife

[KrystalRae]

Hi all!

I recently got married, and felt that before I married the love of my life I had to be honest and disclose my little secret. It was late one night in Las Vegas, at a club, and we were both high... not sure why I chose that particular time, but I did. Her reaction was astounding... she told me I was not officially the most interesting person in the world. We talked all night, and it was probably the most relieving moment of my life. She's really kinky and she told me that we were about to have some really sexy fun. She even went so far as to tell me that she was a little gender confused when she was younger. She also told me that she's fantasized about having sex with a man in drag because "she loves women but hates puss."

Anyhow, the next day things got a little weird. She seemed to have second thoughts, and the whole thing got a little weird for a while. It had a profoundly negative effect on me because from my perspective I had just shared my darkest secret and it felt like it backfired. She still wanted to marry me, and we did... it was great. We didn't really talk about it for a couple weeks until late one night when we were partying she told me that while she had second thoughts about it after I told her, it was just her coming to terms with it and she wanted to explore it together and have some sexy fun (as she put it). She said lets order some stuff online (as I had purged years ago and hadn't looked back.)

So one night later that week I went to her and said that I was ready to do that. It was really hard as I've never talked to anyone about this in my life, and with her swing reaction initially, I was really scared. Anyhow, I probably picked the wrong time because she was stressed out trying to finish a project. Her reaction was pretty dismissive, and it set me off in a short lived depression. Then she got really mad at me and said "if you're going to get upset when things on this topic dont go exactly the way you imagine them, it's going to be a problem. I'm only into this if it's going to be fun." Which I totally understand.

Later that week I brought it up again and we went online and ordered some stuff... heels, dress... etc.

Everything arrived yesterday, and I'm really excited about this, but with the pendulum like history of her being super excited about the sexy possibilities, and having second thoughts... I'm a little nervous about it. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on easing into this. I love my wife more than anything in the world, and the fact that she's into this (occasionally) is one of the most exciting things in the world to me. That said, I REALLY don't want to scare her off or turn her off, so I'm not sure how to handle this. If anyone has similar experiences, I would love to hear any advice on how to handle this situation.

Thanks so much!
XO

[Tonya Rose]

Not sure how to advise you on this But I would read and re-read her mindset before you try discussing anything...cross-dressing or otherwise...

[Heisthebride]

It sounds to me like you may be trying to push things along faster than she wants to go. Let her know that you want this to be fun too and that you may be extra excited for things to happen. So...tell her that you want her to let you know when and how things should progress, ask if that's ok with her. You may have to show some patience but explain that you want her to be comfortable too.

In kinky parlance, don't top from the bottom.

[AllieSF]

I am not sure who is pressing who, but I do agree that maybe both of you are going too fast with this, especially since you seem to be getting some mixed signals about all of it. There are a lot of potential problems just waiting to rear their ugly heads. What if this is purely a sexual domination thing for your wife and you realize that after a few times that it is just not for you, but you still want to be able to dress up occasionally? What if she gets tired real quick about this new fun side of your relationship and then demands that you stop completely all crossdressing and you decide that you do not want to? There are a lot of "what if's" that need to be discussed. So, slowing down the process some and talking more openly about it before diving into the deep end of the pool will help ensure a better chance of long term success.

[elliemoss]

Hi KrystalRae,

I'm not really the best person to be giving you advice as I am single and have no experience coming out to a partner. You really should congratulate yourself on telling your wife, that was very brave and a massive step! I think taking things slowly is the answer. Focus intently on your wife do things for her make her feel special everyday, take the focus off of yourself she will eventually come around to it.

[Jenniferathome]

Krystal, I also have come out to my wife. She has been fantastic, but where you and I differ is in the speed with which your reveal is happening. Making decisions when one is drunk does NOT constitute informed decision. What you need is foundation making conversations. How will cross dressing affect her? Where are you headed, generally? Has she even asked the basic questions: "Are you gay?" "Do you want to be a woman?" It jut seems like the proverbial cart if before the horse.

Back things up. Tell her you are concerned that she seems uncomfortable or confused. Invite her to ask questions and keep it verbal until you both have the same understanding of where you are.

[KrystalRae]

Jennifer, we've had that conversation, the answers to which are:not gay and completely content being a man. I've stepped back over the past few weeks and let her initiate, which she now has. Nonetheless, I'm trying to take it extremely slow. I think the best thing to do is do nothing until she further initiates it. She is a VERY kinky girl and I genuinely believe that part of her is really into it. That said, there's another part of her that is scared. I'm just ver nervous about staying within her comfort zone.

[ReineD]

I would let her know that the items have arrived and you are looking forward to having some sexy fun with her, but at the same time you don't want to rush her if she has other things going on. Ask her to let you know when she is ready.


I do have two observations:

The pendulum you perceive is likely because you were both high when you told her. Everything looks a little rosy/giddy when we're high, right?

Also, it is not unusual for GGs to be fine with it as long as it is sexy fun in the bedroom, but cool down somewhat if they perceive it to be more than a fun kink. Your wife's reaction the second time the two of you discussed this seems this would be true for her. I don't know if dressing up is tied to any sort of gender need for you and if you will later on wish to move it away from the bedroom and into wearing regular clothes to hang out in around the house or go out in public. If you do think it will go this way, you and your wife will need to talk in depth about your needs and she will need time to wrap her mind around this.

[Majella St Gerard]

Let her lead the way and do what ever she tells you to do, but when it comes time to actually having sex, take charge.It's hot.

[KrystalRae]

Thanks Reine, I agree with both of your points. I don't see myself needing more than sexy fun in the bedroom. Andd I completely agree about being high. That's what concerned me a little bit.

That said, there have been a couple of good signs...

Last weekend, she downloaded a virtual makeover app on her iPad that makes you over in realtime, then proceeded to give me makeovers. "See how good and understanding a wife I am" she said while doing it.

That night she she started roleplaying that I was her lesbian lover.

When we were online shopping for,sexy clothes for me she made a comment that she may get to live out one of her fantastys.

So I'm pretty sure there's room for growth here, but I want t make sure tha she's comfortable and having fun, staying within her limits, not losing attraction to me... Etc.

[raeleen]

Hi Krystal Rae,

I think the advice you've gotten so far about slowing down is the right way to go. It sounds like since you've allowed her to initiate, things have also been going better, which is great news!

I know that when my wife and I had conversations, I definitely read too much into things and swung really hard one way or another (as it sounds like you have). When she seems to be dismissive or negative, I'm convinced she hates it and we're going to get a divorce. When she makes a positive movement, I'm on cloud 9 and ready for us to go out clubbing as girls. The reality is that in everything there will be shifts, and not overreacting to things will be really useful. My wife had her own process throughout our adjusting to my dressing, and allowing her space to have ups and downs made a huge difference. My overreactions just ended up being an extra emotional burden she had to carry while we were figuring things out.

Take it slow, be open and honest with each other, communicate, and it sounds like you both will be able to enjoy lots of fun in the future. Good luck, girl!

[RADER]

Hi Krystal Rae, welcome to the forum.
I would say, go have some fun, but go real slow, see what will be a
great experience for the both of you.
Remember, both of you should be enjoying the experience, other wise
it is just much fun.
Rader

[Teresa]

Krystal,
You confessed to her which didn't go too bad but then she confessed to you about her feelings now she has to deal with her partial coming out as well as your disclosures.
I think it's time you decided what your needs are with CDing , how far you feel you may want to go and if it goes as far as TS. If you need counselling to help then try and do it. At the moment your wife thinks it's a kinky thing centered around sex, she appears to be OK with that, but when you find out it's deeper than that your problems may really start.
Her comment about going moody if things don't go your way, has to be put in perspective, as a man you have to come to terms with wearing female clothes again and why you need to do it, you're not being moody just coming to terms with feelings you're not use to and expecting a partner to understand and accept it, at the moment she has uncertainties which is understandable .

[Rachelakld]

Sounds like it's going like my 5th date with my now wife

I said "I've something I want to show you", she said "okay"
We went through my collection, both trying different clothes and wigs and laughing naked within a short time.

[docrobbysherry]

Krystal, so far your post is all sex oriented. This is VERY normal for "newlyweds". Your honeymoon stage may last up to 3 years. During that time u and she may try all sorts of things in the bedroom. Which is good! The more the better. It will all become routine in time. That's normal, too.

What is also normal is for trans to continually want to expand their scope. U haven't mentioned anything else u want for your dressing except for using it as a sex kink. That's NOT how being trans works for most!

Take me for example, a so called "closet fetish dresser" because I used to only dress at home and get turned on by my fem side. Whoops! Until I began going out with other dressers. Now, my dressing's copmp[letely morphed. In addition to dressing in private it's also become a social thing with no sexual connotations at all. What do want from your dressing? Just bedroom kinks? If so, that's likely to change over time.

U seem bent on satisfying your SO as your #1 goal. That's valient but DON'T make the mistake I did with my ex. U need to tell her what u want in the bedroom and in everything else. I didn't and when I finally put my foot down it was too late.

Compromises r fine for u. But, she needs to make a few also!

U probably won't listen to me. Heck, I wouldn't have listened to me with my ex. But, I blame not continually standing up for myself as a main reason we split up!

[Pat]

she told me I was not officially the most interesting person in the world.

I'm hoping that's a typo and she said you are "now" the most interesting person in the world.

As I read the story it sounds like she's receptive to the idea after a couple/few drinks? It could be an issue that is repressed for her and it will take a little time to work it out into the daylight. Sounds like the potential is there. And you're newlyweds -- there's time.

[Virginia1983]

I can't imagine this. Incredibly sad for both parties. Hides true self from fiancee. Poor girl had no idea what she was getting in to. Sad. Miserable way to live. Perhaps we should learn to deal with our true selves before dragging innocent bystanders into the mix. yes?

[LelaK]

Maybe you could see what you think of this article and ask your wife's impression too.
10 Things I Learned From Dating a Cross-Dresser
http://www.blogher.com/10-best-and-w...g-crossdresser