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Thread: Why do so many wives feel deceived when they find out you CD?

  1. #26
    Senior Member Gretchen_To_Be's Avatar
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    Hi Jennifer...agreed. I really felt that getting married to a gorgeous woman, who was so feminine and dressed exactly like I wanted to dress myself, and to whom I was seriously attracted, would "cure" me. I stupidly thought that I could be satisfied living vicariously through her--she was so amazingly sexy and beautiful, and loved the clothes, heels, hose, etc., that I thought there was enough femininity for the two of us. Lots of fun shopping trips for her, with me guiding her selections...for 11 years it was enough. Then it wasn't.

  2. #27
    Aspiring Member LelaK's Avatar
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    I was planning to get married last year, as my GF wanted to for a while and I was willing, before she decided to break up. I'm in search of a new GF now and I'm reluctant to mention CDing, because I honestly don't know that I'd be compelled to CD. I didn't feel compelled last year, as my GF didn't like it. My backup plan is to say it's an infrequent fetish, which as far as I know is true, more or less.
    T-shirt says: "Hi, I Crossdress!"

  3. #28
    Member Liz57's Avatar
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    To begin with for me it wasn't a big part of me at the time I got married. When I started dressing more I knew I liked it but still didn't understand why, and still don't. As far as I'm concerned, everybody keeps secrets. Everybody. Your wives too. Yes, they deceive us too. Does that make it right? No. It is what it is. Crossdressing is the kind of thing society frowns on to put it lightly so why should your spouse be so surprised you kept it secret. Hell, it's hard to admit it to yourself much less another person, especially one you don't want to think badly of you. Personally, I don't feel that I've been deceitful so much as embarrassed to tell. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

    Not trying to make excuses here but I assure you your wives are hiding things from you now and in the past as well. Probably most are not of the same magnitude as crossdressing but that's like haggling over the price of sex, if you're discussing price it's already determined what you are. You either a prostitute or you're not. Either you are deceitful or you're not. We're all human.

    I guess it would be a lot easier getting through all of this if we could just explain why. But most of us can't.

    Liz
    So never judge a book by its cover
    Or who you gonna love by your lover
    Love put me wise to her love in disguise
    She had the body of a Venus,
    Lord, imagine my surprise

  4. #29
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    Liz, you ARE making excuses to justifying your deceit. You were embarrassed and you deceived. Man up. Own it. You are 100% to blame for your actions.

    Our wives are not hiding anything remotely comparable to cross dressing. You can remove the "probably."

  5. #30
    Member Liz57's Avatar
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    First off, wake up if you think your wife is a perfect angel. She's human. There are things she keeps from you. I guess you and I differ on our definition of deceit. If you mean deceit by omission then ok but I have never lied to her about it. It's never come up. Until I joined here I saw no reason to tell. A lot of people would rather live happily not knowing things, she is that kind.

    And for the record, I am not afraid to man up when it's called for. Anyone that knows me would tell you that.

    Second of all, you make it sound as if crossdressing were something bad or shameful. When I joined this forum I learned it wasn't, it was society that was mixed up about the issue with stupid societal rules based on ignorance. It was not long after joining and finding out I'm not a sicko I came out to my wife. Not because I felt all along like I had been deceitful by not letting her know but because I realized it was ok to wear womens clothes and I didn't have to be ashamed. I felt I had the right to dress as I wanted and not hide it from her because there is nothing wrong with it and all I have to do is get her to understand that. I told her for my benefit, not out of shame for hiding it.

    Liz

  6. #31
    Senior Member Sheila11's Avatar
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    Nothing to do with deception.

    My wife does not want me to wear women's clothes. PERIOD.
    When I tried to introduce the concept to her decades ago, she simply said,

    "I think it is disgusting, wrong, and you make an ugly woman".

    End of story.
    Live and let dress.

  7. #32
    Aspiring Member Georgette_USA's Avatar
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    Not a "GG", but a Post MtF TS. Most men can't tell any different, men don't always look at what is under the hood, so to speak. That is a little inside joke that other women might get.

    This is something my friends and I talk about. How far into a relationship does one tell of our background. Have a Wife of a friend, a MtF TS, she said NO reason to tell. Would that be my ONE "Deceit by Omission". Is that comparable to cross dressing.

    I would admit upfront that I could not have children and not interested in having children. I would explain that I had female problems when young, and had surgery to fix that. I would admit that before him, I had relations with men, and with women. It would be obvious that not a "virgin". I would assume that he also had relations with others.

    None of these are LIES. Would that be a big deal breaker before or after, if it was found out later. Hard to hide ALL past history. Never had my DD-214 separation from service papers changed.

    I would not have a problem with a husband that cross dresses, but would feel deceived if it was not mentioned at some point, especially if it was a still an ongoing activity. When confronted with ONE deceit, how many others might there be. Many on here have kept this little secret for many years. Many say it is just a harmless "hobby" or have "shame and humiliation". Sure at time of marriage some operate under the delusion that they can stop. How many know someone that actually stopped forever.

    I am not a woman that expects the man to be the big protector or man up or whatever. I believe a marriage can and should be a very shared experience.

  8. #33
    Member Shayna's Avatar
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    I think it goes beyond the initial deception. It's the nature of what they were deceived about. My wife married a man, so my dressing changes her perception of who she is with. Initially she said she was hurt by the fact that I didn't tell her, but soon it became obvious she didn't want to talk about it and wanted it to be DADT.

  9. #34
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    Liz, ,
    I agree with many of your points, as I said earlier, our partners do withhold things from us.

    Coming to terms with CDing is hard, some partners just don't grasp that, for a start we don't understand why we do it , much of it is to do with denial , and man shouldn't do it so I'll try hard not to but it's just not that easy. Then you discover you were born like it and it's for life, coming to terms with another side of you and then trying to accept it before you can even to begin to get a partner to understand it.
    DADT is very hard, it really shouldn't be happening, it suppresses a part of us and at times causes severe mental stress.
    I would still like to be totally honest with my wife but it just won't happen, I feel guilty that I'm withholding it but the fact is she doesn't want to know.

  10. #35
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    1. Because they were deceived - you should'a told 'em about a fundamental part of you. Hey, look, I know WHY you didn't tell - been there, done that. The stigma you fear is very real.
    2. A lot of people don't think of themselves as people in any absolute sense - they see themselves only relative to others. So if you are suddenly perceived as more feminine, your spouse may feel lost - it can affect her identity. This is painful.
    3. They fear you'll want "to become a woman." (Actually, they should fear that you are, and always have been, a woman.)
    4. They often worry about your sexual orientation, mainly because they don't understand how separate your gender identity is from your sexual orientation.

  11. #36
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    No matter how often I explain to my present partner that I cross-dress because I enjoy wearing women's clothes and have no desire to actually be or become a woman, she continues to believe that this must be my aim.

  12. #37
    Junior Member MarinaSweden's Avatar
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    I understand completely why they feel decieved. As I think many have replied already, simply because they have been decieved.

    The thing is for me anyway, in a marriage, there should be NO secrets from each other. I told my soon to be ex-wife when we met. Ok she didn't like it, I tried to quit, and brought it up last summer again. But she could never say I betrayed her, because I did tell her from the very beginning.

    The most incredible thing is that I found out, by accident last friday, that she has been unfaithful to me over the last five years. My god life's a bummer. So I can tell you I feel decieved now.
    Everybody's got a secret sonny, something that they just can't face. Some folks spend their whole life trying to keept it, they carry it with then every step that they take. 'Till someday they just cut it loose, cut it loose or let it drag 'em down. - Well I'd say this is exactly how it is with me.

  13. #38
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    To all those who think they know what every relationship is like and what the circumstances and personalities are - guess what - you don't. There are no absolutes. Truth and honesty are essential in successful relationships, but there are disclosures of past mistakes, or current fears and desires which may be much more damaging than the behavior itself.

    Most crossdressing behavior most likely occurs in private, and alone. It is not immoral behavior. It is a need we are fulfilling. And many spouses would be deeply hurt and might never understand or recover from disclosure.

    It is unfortunate that many spouses or girlfriends, who are told, or who discover, that their husbands or boyfriends are crossdressers feel hurt, deceived, angry or sad. Disclosure or discovery can destroy marriages and relationships. But since crossdressing is so misunderstood and since there is so much awareness today of transsexual and gender identity issues, confiding that you crossdress before starting a relationship is a red flag that will very likely terminate the relationship before it develops. And telling someone you crossdress without the minimum expectation of how she will react is very difficult to do effectively and sensitively. Unfortunately, when the confession or discovery is made later, even if very early in the relationship, there is already a degree of deception and hurt and anger that has taken place.

    What we do, crossdressing, is simply difficult to understand, explain, disclose, accept and live with - for ourselves and those we love.
    Last edited by heatherdress; 05-02-2016 at 01:53 PM.

  14. #39
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    She knew I crossdressed from the beginning. I wore girl's pants/jeans/shorts, panties, and girl's tops literally all the time. I had long hair in a rollers set style. I wore stacked platform heels whenever I wore pants or jeans. I had long fingernails. I wore clip on earrings. I shaved my legs. I played with makeup occasionally. We were teenagers. When we got married it did evolve a little. I started sleeping in a nighties of one style or another. I started wearing a bra a lot, other than work. I started wearing nail polish other than work, and clear at work. We were very young with menial jobs, the anonymity of a new city and the excitement of being on our own.

    Our jobs got better and more important. We made friends together and independently. We bought a house and had neighbors as friends. Life changed, and although my dressing became more underground, there were elements that were always there. Long hair, shaved legs, and long nails, primarily. To a large degree, life changed and I didn't (enough).

    What really changed, though, (in my opinion) is we learned a name for what I did. Rather than it being just the way I was, we learned that what I did made me a transvestite (considered deviant), a crossdresser, maybe even transsexual. I wasn't just a boyfriend/husband who looked like a girl. I was a thing. A psychologically know and identified deviant. Besides, I was an embarrassment. That go worse as time went on. Kids, bigger job, bigger house, uppity "friends". I looked less and less like the other husbands at the party. I wasn't growing out of it. I was growing into it.

    So, I didn't disclose. I had no idea there was anything to disclose. It just never went away.

  15. #40
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    For me as a wife,it was the lies and deception. What else had he lied about?

  16. #41
    Member marlacd's Avatar
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    CDing doesn't sit well with women at all. For all of their claims of being understanding, forgiving, et'al, they really aren't. Have you ever noticed, (For those of you that are married) that they treat other men differently than they treat you? Watch them, it's like night and day. When I was married, mine had several gay men friends. Two were "flamers" and she thought they were the greatest thing since sliced bread. But she wasn't going home with them.

    Most women see CDing as weakness in their men. We're supposed to be strong, protective, be the provider. We're supposed to be better than other men, because they chose us. They expect more out of us. We're supposed to be their rock. They look at it as being weak. For all their griping about wanting equality, they still want that strong man as a mate. They could care less about other men dressing up. They would rather we didn't.

  17. #42
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    I'm married My wife treats me EXACTLY the same before and after my reveal AND she treats other men no differently. You've stereotyped women pretty harshly. Have you considered the possibility that you are projecting your own bad experience on all women?

  18. #43
    Member Nashmau's Avatar
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    as a wife, he took away my choice... that is something i have a problem with.

  19. #44
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Not having been told the truth (when this applies) is a biggie. And it's not true (Liz57) that wives keep comparable secrets, unless a wife is supporting an out-of-wedlock child or is a call-girl on the side that the husband doesn't know about. This might be comparable.

    Another biggie is the way that the wife perceives her husband prioritizes the CDing over her, not necessarily in the amount of time consecrated to CDing activities, but in the sheer elevated mood her husband experiences when he is involved in these activities. Wives wonder why their husbands don't feel this way when they spend time with their wives.

    You mention wives not being womanly enough because they don't satisfy their husbands. Please believe me when I say that when a husband gets sexual kicks from the CDing, the wife still knows she is a woman and she still knows that she can satisfy another man. But, she is unhappy/sad/disgusted/annoyed/angry (pick the one you want) that her husband's sexual attention is focused elsewhere. Wouldn't a husband feel the same way if the situation were reversed.

    Last, you mention a wife feeling undermined. I don't know what this means. Do you mean that she feels less feminine somehow, just because her husband dresses? No. A CDing husband does not take away a wife's basic femininity, especially if you consider that she has all the body parts, the voice, the estrogen, etc. If she wanted to dress the way her husband does, she would merely buy the clothes. Or do you mean she feels undermined because her husband is trying to take her place? Yes, hetero women do want their husbands to see them as the female side of the hetero equation and they can get annoyed if their husbands start seeing themselves as women too. A wife loves to see the spark in her husband's eye when he appreciates her as a woman and if the husband's eye begins to spark over his own femininity, the wife can potentially feel cheated ... the husband's alter-ego can potentially be seen as a rival for her husband's affections.

    So based on the above four points, I propose that doing these five things would help tremendously:

    1. Tell in the beginning.
    2. Don't let your wife think that you enjoy the CDing above and beyond anything else, especially her.
    3. Don't get a bigger sexual kick out of the CDing than you do with your wife.
    4. Make sure that your wife knows that you appreciate her the way a man appreciates a woman.
    5. Don't let her believe that you think you are hotter than her.

    One last thing. The above obviously applies to CDers who don't want to come out to everybody, but there are other situations that would cause a wife to think it is too much, like Rhonda was saying. Although transsexuals do need to basically come out and live their lives 24/7 as women, if a GG believes she is married to a CDer she would not want him to come out to people. Very few people understand the concept of non-binary, so it's difficult in some circles (like the corporate world for example) to get people to accept someone who switches back and forth or is over-the-top feminine even in male mode. It has the potential to cause social issues in some circles.

    And then there are the wives who object to it because they believe it is a sin or somehow morally deficient, even if their husbands don't do the things I mentioned above. I don't know if anything can be done to change deeply-held beliefs like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by marlacd View Post
    Most women see CDing as weakness in their men. We're supposed to be strong, protective, be the provider. We're supposed to be better than other men, because they chose us. They expect more out of us. We're supposed to be their rock. They look at it as being weak. For all their griping about wanting equality, they still want that strong man as a mate. They could care less about other men dressing up. They would rather we didn't.
    Wanting equal pay and equal opportunities has nothing to do with who we are sexually attracted to. Wives don't care if other men dress because they're not married to them and they don't sleep with them. Hetero wives are attracted to men. A lot of women are turned off by lipstick, perfume, boobs, smooth legs, etc. Some of them can get over that if the couple adheres to boundaries, but not everyone can. As to wives expecting their husbands to be their rock, I suspect that in all marriages, each partner has strengths and weaknesses. The wife is the rock in some situations, and the husband is in others. When my ex lost his job many years ago, I was the rock and that was perfectly OK. When we thought that someone was breaking in once, he was the rock because he is physically bigger and stronger than me.
    Last edited by ReineD; 05-03-2016 at 05:18 AM. Reason: added marlacd
    Reine

  20. #45
    Senior Member Jenn A116's Avatar
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    Just wanted to thank ReineD for the very thoughtful post above. I had pretty much come to the same conclusions she lists and its always nice to see confirmation.
    Jenn A --- nothing fancy, just me.

  21. #46
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    They feel deceived because they were deceived. All the things that were 1st listed in the OP may be part of the feeling. They may not be. There may be many personal feelings involved with being deceived. Why we see many more wives and girlfriends who are OK with crossdressing when they were informed of it from the beginning is because they were never deceived about it. They grew into the relationship with it. They were never lied to about it. Or withheld things, which IMO is a form of lying, just my personal take. " honey how was work today?" "long, stressful"..... (and I took off two hours early and went to my secret stash of clothes and CD'd) which doesn't get told....

    The lack of trust, the feelings of betrayal. She told us everything of importance about her, we withheld stuff. The I don't know the man I married feeling.... feeling as if they were trapped. Early on, they get to make a decision, do I want to start a life with a CDer. Now, they have to make a decision, do I end my entire life as I know it because of CDing? Granted, many don't, if it is just CDing, but they still feel robbed of being able to make a 100% informed decision and they would be correct in doing so.

    Love conquers all- True, with the person you fall in love with. Until that person is no longer that person anymore. Which is why the comparison to our spouse suffering from some horrible injury, which either disfigures them, or maybe paralyses them is not an accurate one. No matter what happens to them, they are still "them." What happens though when the person you fell in love with one day tells you they are not the person you fell in love with??

    Often times I think CDers just move to far too fast. They might be new to their own admission, maybe new to forums and read about this couple and that couple that go out, shopping etc etc.... And think, hey, this is done, it can be done, their wives accept it, why can't mine? There are so many variables. Did it take several years for that couple to get to that spot? did they start off with the CDing as part of the relationship? how long were they together before their partner knew? How deep does the CDer go with their gender variance? How was their partner raised? what type of beliefs do they have? Has there been much prior exposure to gender variance?

    For me, the reasons why I am all about compromise are because 1. I lied and deceived my wife. 2. We had been together for 3 years before I told her. 3. It took me 30 years to come to accept myself. (she has 27 more and then I am expecting full acceptance lol) 4. She was raised strict christian conservative on a dairy farm for about half her childhood. 5. She had very limited exposure to gender variance before me. 6. because I can. I am able to live as a male.

    From my discussions with my wife over the last 3 and a half years...... She has felt hurt and angry about being lied to. She has lost trust in me because I lied. She is unsure of who I really am, and since I withheld part of myself, is there still things I have withheld. She is turned off of the thought or the sight of me as a woman. She has seen it once totally, and has thought about it as a consideration of a what if. She has felt and to a degree still feels uncertain over how far it will one day go. I suppressed it all for so long. something made me no longer do so. Is it increasing/progressing? am I still suppressing this to myself? She fell in love with someone, now there are changes in that someone. She fears she may lose that person altogether.

    She has not had all of those feelings all at one time. And, most of them are not as strong as they once were. But, those were the feelings my wife has communicated to me since my reveal.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  22. #47
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    The short answer is......
    A woman thought she was marrying the kind of man she likes.. one who is all masculine.
    Yes, he may be caring, etc, but masculine none the less.

    The she she finds out she was deceived about that and her husband likes to wear bra, panties and other female clothes .
    Her world is now in disarray.

  23. #48
    Lisa_vin lisa_vin's Avatar
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    She felt deceived because I kept a very important part of me a secret from her for over 25 years. Including 5 years of dating, we've been together now for over 43 years. I ACTUALLY foolishly thought that once I got married the cd'ing would be "cured" or magically go away. Nothing could have been further from the truth! When she "found out", she was shattered.......she felt utterly betrayed and lied to. The trust between us was shattered and, to this day, has still not been completely rebuilt. I never gave her the opportunity to accept or reject me as I truly was, cd'ing and all. She felt like those years of our life together before she found out about it were wasted or stolen from her as she may have been able to find true happiness with a "real" man! She told me numerous times that if she knew I was a crossdresser before we were to be married, she would NEVER have married me. After a most unpleasant couple years of ugliness and strife, near divorce and numerous, long psychiatrist/psychologist therapy sessions (she thought and demanded that I could be "cured"), she stayed with me and only grudgingly learned to accept it with the help of the therapists. We are now on a strictly DADT basis which is the best I could have hoped for.

    Be completely honest with her and let the chips fall where they may. Don't let years pass by being all secretive because when (not IF) she finds out, be prepared for all hell to break loose and your lives to be turned upside down. Many relationships never recover or even survive for that matter! If I could go back and do it RIGHT, I would.......no matter the consequences, because I truly love her! The critic here would say "If you loved her so much, why didn't you tell her before you were married? Because, I knew what the answer would be and I didn't want to lose her! I WAS SELFISH!
    Last edited by lisa_vin; 05-07-2016 at 04:19 PM.
    Lisa

  24. #49
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    This sounds exactly what happen to me and way my wife felt.
    Last edited by Sandra; 05-09-2016 at 12:34 PM. Reason: No need to quote the whole post, please read the rules regarding quoting posts

  25. #50
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    3 years with someone Lisa and I got caught, 6 1/2 years of my life with her and 2 kids, with another 7 wasted after she left, yes If I get another chance, Im going to be upfront. Hopefully with my own acceptance and am done denying myself and with the knowledge Ive gotten from here and my own experiences I can get another chance to do it right.
    Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
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    Disturbed The Light "The truth is waiting there for you to find it
    It's not a blight, but a remedy"

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