SO's modified attitude

[Michelle Crossfire]

Hello all,

I recently was able to engage my wife in a conversation of sorts regarding my "hobby". She supports it from a standpoint of helping me purchase items, even going shopping with me, and sometimes on her own, as well as providing fashion advice (she does a great job on this too!). Recently, she opened up a bit about her views about my hobby. She says she does not approve of it, but realizes that it is something I enjoy doing, and that there is really nothing she can do to change that, so she has decided to make the best of the situation. I have tried to get her to go out with me dressed, but to no avail. I think we would have fun, but it is what it is. I know some on here wish they had that much that I get, so I was just wondering what, if anything, should I make of my wife's comments? thanks to all who respond.

[Teresa]

Michelle,
Make the most of what she's offered today because she may change her mind tomorrow ! Sorry that sounds cynical but I've been there !
Sometimes it is frustrating when the goalposts keep moving, one day you can say or do something and the next it's almost as if it hadn't happened.

[mechamoose]

I recently was able to engage my wife in a conversation of sorts regarding my "hobby". .

If you are here, it isn't a hobby.

If she wants to give girl advice, then take it. If she can't get over your beard and butch self, then let her know that you are what? Just as butch as you before? Because you are...

Just because you swish doesn't mean you no longer strut.

<3

- KM

[bridget thronton]

Be patient and let her travel at her own speed

[pamela7]

After seeing so many threads on this area, I have wondered about the SO's motivations, so here are my musings:

1. "give them an inch and they'll take a mile"

2. "give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves"

Both of these cultural sayings will be operating in the "fear and hope" part of the subconscious. The first aspect is "if i let them start doing this where will it end up (transition?)" - fear, and the second aspect is "if i let him play about with it he will get bored and stop of his own volition".

The good news is that by taking off the controls a balance will be found after the pink fog has had its day, right?

[lorisdream]

I am very lucky in that my wife will go with me dressed out on occasion. The only thing she dislikes is helping with makeup. She tells me to keep practicing and when I find my look, I will know it. Hang in there and good luck.

[Rachelakld]

My wife and I had a fun outing once (lunch and a walk through the botanic gardens), but she decided it's not her thing, so for the last 3 years I either go alone or take a friend.
We still have a lot of fun doing other things.

My kids don't mind, they are more open minded, different generation with more tolerance and they think my wife over reacts

My wife and I both call it a hobby, not going to take offence since she buys me clothes & make up

[Sandyhappygirl]

My wife and I both call it a hobby, not going to take offence since she buys me clothes & make up

I see nothing wrong with calling it a hobby. Hobbies are things we do by choice for the love of it. I could no easier give up my sailing than crossdressing so the 'need' to participate does not stop it being a hobby.

[Beverley Sims]

Michelle,
Go with the flow, be happy with what you have already and don't pust the issue of going out dressed together.

I go shopping with my wife occasionally when dressed, mostly I am in drab in the bra section with her.

A natural force will prevail as it has done with me when she realises that it is much simpler for me to go dressed in the ladies section.

[Sandra]

Just accept what she has said in that she has decided to make the best of the situation. If she doesn't want to go out with you then accept that and don't push the subject.

You could in a few weeks bring the situation up and see if she will talk to you a bit more about how she feels, her concerns and worries.

[Georgia_Maine]

Michelle, I think your lovely wife means what my mother once told me, "I may not always like you (i.e. what you do) but I'll always love you".

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michelle , Just count your blessings and just don't overwhelm her.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush !! .....

[Diversity]

I believe that you should appreciate your wife's willingness to talk with you about your 'hobby', and that she engaged with you even further by shopping with/for you.
I would not pressure her to go out with you dressed in your 'hobby' clothes. This may or may not come to be at some future point, but it is not comfortable for her to do this now.
Appreciate what she has done in accepting your needs, and recognize her for the compromises she has made to work with you, when it goes against her feelings about you crossdressing.
I'd say you are pretty lucky and time may yet work in your favor in the future.
Di

[suzanne]

I'm in nearly the same boat as you. My wife knows everything and seems okay but tells me it sometimes bothers her to see me in a dress. On the other hand, she tells me she thinks my wardrobe is tasteful and looks good on me. She refuses to go out with me dressed but is aware that I go out alone. In that way, it's sorta DADT. I don't think I can ever talk her into greater acceptance. About all I can do is continue to present the best possible looking version of me and hope she sees it as my "normal" and that I don't do anything embarrassing when I'm dressed. Will she actually change her mind further? I think not, but she's already come far enough.

[Tina_gm]

I don't think your wife has had any type of real modifying to her attitude. I imagine she has always felt this way more or less. Perhaps she has learned how to cope with the unique situation better over time and is more comfortable about it all. But to actually like it probably won' ever occur. And yes, by all means please be thankful for all that you have in regards to acceptance in your marriage. You already have far more than most. Your wife is likely aware of this, and if you still are not content and push for more, THEN you are likely to see some real modification of her attitude...

[Taylor186]

If you are in the closet, like me, then you don't want your wife along. Quickest way I know of to out yourself (other than using social media )

[michelle.foster]

Michelle,
As many here, I was there. My wife went from having nothing to do with it to now allowing me to dress whenever I want. She came along slowly. When she was accepting, I'd ask if I could dress when we had planned an outing, some times it was yes, some times is was no. I discovered she was afraid of running into someone we knew, I'd be outed and I'd be embarrassed. About the time I came out to the kids, she came to realize that dressing make me happy and is an anti-depressant. She even suggested that I get dressed and go out during one of my depressed states.
So my suggestion is to keep asking and respect the answer. Good luck.

[Heisthebride]

People move at their own pace, I don't think it will do much good to force the issue. Continue on enjoying what she has to offer, let her know you appreciate her efforts. Do things for her that don't involve your hobby. If you go out, let her know she is welcome to join you but she doesn't have to if she would prefer. Make it easy for her and things should continue to go well and possibly improve.

My wife doesn't like to golf, and I don't like gardening. Sometimes you can have interests to yourself. That's normal too.

[Lisa85]

Why even asking her to go out with you if she's not comfortable. Geesh. If have need to go out, then do it a safe location: a thousand of miles away for only part of the vacation. Offer both escapism for you and equal boy time for her. If it's not worth of a vacation expense and time, then that tells you it's not worth it.

[Stephanie47]

Your wife has set her own boundaries. Accept them. Forcing someone to do something outside her comfort zone will only backfire in your face.

[Donna St. Marten]

Take it for what it is. She has decided that she will not try to change you. In return you should not try to change her.

[Valery L]

Push it, show her who is the boss.

[looking_good]

My view, this is a two way street. She is accommodating your "hobby" within her boundaries. Having her go out with you when dressed is a bridge to far for her.

Again, just my view, acknowledge that as she has respected and honored your 'hobby' by respecting and honoring her boundaries too. A chance to show her how much her you appreciate her acceptance.

[Shely]

Sounds a little like my SO. She seems to accept it to a degree, even buys me clothes sometimes, but would never go out with me dressed up, NEVER. i accept that and i am happy she lets me have my hobby. And i think of it as a hobby. Enjoy what you have and don't forget there are plenty of others out there that have lost their relationship entirety. Pushing it as someone suggested seems like a sure way to screw things up for good. I am hoping my SO will loosen things up someday so i can dress around the house while she is here. I wish we could have a discussion about the subject so i coule try to tell her how it feels to me do dress up. Oh well, maybe someday.

[WandaRae2009]

I do wish I had as much as you as support from my wife. Lately she doesn't seem to be quite as angry, If I slip and leave something laying out . My wish is that she would let me go to a support group meeting. Someday it will happen, I keep hoping at least.