New Relationship

[Jessicaa]

A few months ago after a long break I decided to get back into the dating world. During this time I had my fair share of duds but I have met a really amazing woman who after 4 months I can say I love very much! My time with her has been amazing, we spend alot of time with each other and have really awesome and some out-of-the box dates that I havent been used to in any previous relationship. She is really a perfect match for me.

...But I have a problem, the pink fog that is cross dressing is once again looming over me. While I was single I made serious progression on accepting myself as a Cross dresser and built a strong sense of self confidence in my feminine side. Now that I am in a committed relationship I find myself often thinking "Am i man enough for her?" I often worry about having to play the part as an alpha male almost to the point where I dont feel like myself anymore. This especially hurts my confidence in bed and has moderately affected our sex life causing me to have some sexual performance anxiety issues. This also seems to stem from a previous sexual experience I had with a man, I played "the woman" role and liked it. I still fantasize about it but I don't have desire to act on it again, I am fine with having experienced it once but it still seems to be holding me back.

On top of all of this I went and purged about a month ago out of fear she would find my things and think I am an inferior. I know crossdressing is a part of my life forever and is part of who I am but I fear it will ruin my relationship with this wonderful woman.

I love this woman and want to enjoy our time together but my desire to cross dress and constant anxiety hold me back. If any of you have been through something similar or can offer advice on how to cope I would appreciate it.

Hugs,
Jessica

[Tabitha_Sinn]

This is only *my* opinion, so take it for what it's worth to you. I have never been in a relationship where I wasn't fully accepted for who I am. But I *really* think you need to be you first and foremost. If she doesn't accept you for who you are completely than maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

I think you should be upfront with her and let her know who you *really* are. My experiences with doing so have turned out really well.

Edit:

Look at it this way...think how good it would feel to tell her and have her be completely accepting and supportive! Not only the feeling of being free to be who you really are but how good it would feel to find out she really does accept you for the real you!

[Jaylyn]

No matter what happens, I've found in 67 years of experience that truth is always the best. It saves lots of heartaches later. You say a few months ago does this mean you've only know this woman a few months? I say unless you've been together 24-7 for a few months then that too short of a time to know if she is really your soul mate. I dated mine for almost a year before the knot was tied. We did lots of talking and getting to know each other.
I'm sorry you purged but by doing that I can tell you might not want her to know that you dress? It's tough if the wife is not approving and understands your need for it. It's also tougher if it's a DADT situation or if she feels you are less a man because of it. You asked for advice I say give it more time to develope and let her learn to love the real you. Then n a heart to heart talk tell her your deepest feelings for her and all your faults, your secrets and let her get to know the real Jessicaa.
She might just love you so much she will over look your CD or enjoy it with you. I've found time usually tells all. Just an old CD opinion. Jaylyn

[Heisthebride]

I would argue it doesn't take too long to figure out someone's political/personal leanings, you should probably have a pretty good idea about how she would react to gays/lesbians/TG's, etc. Are you concerned she isn't accepting at all or just if she discovered you had a feminine side? It is a difficult thing to discuss but there are ways of broaching the subject. Go to a drag show as one of your out of the box dates, watch a TG related movie together, use that as an opportunity to discuss your dressing. Be aware her reaction can be anywhere along a spectrum, not just hate it or love it. Maybe she needs time to understand, don't force her to accept too much give her time to get used to it.

But as others have said and you live in fear of, would you rather be open and honest or have your secret discovered. That might create trust issues down the road.

[AllieSF]

I agree with Tabatha. Tell her now before it gets more serious and extremely more difficult to share this secret side of you. It will be better to get turned down now and learn how to overcome the pain of loss than later in the future when you both have more invested in the relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

[Athena_]

My question: is a few months enough time to have a good indication of how she will react? Depending on how much time you spend together, you may have lots of uncertainty as to her feelings. I hope that you have seen some clues as to her potential reaction to your cross dressing with her comments about current news stories about TG bathrooms, TV shows, movies, ...... IF it was me, I would be wary of sharing until you have at least a hint of what her reaction may be.

Coming clean should be the ultimate goal of course, but her reaction may be unpredictable. It would be a shame if the relationship ended over it if you were too hasty with your revealing of your secret. Just my opinion.

[char GG]

This is just my opinion, but I agree with all who have said to tell her soon (or now). I'm sure you have read the multitude of posts on this side where CDers have been hiding - for years - because they didn't tell up front. It's better that you find out how she reacts and let her have a chance to stay with you the way you are or leave. Most CD wives who I have talked to who have been deceived, were most angry about the hiding, lying, and their choice was taken away from them.

Please don't try to be something that you may not be able to sustain for the long haul. It will be stressful for you and, in turn, stressful for her. It's not fair to either of you to keep the secret any longer. If you decide to keep this secret, you have no one to blame but yourself if she becomes angry when the truth comes out.

If she is as great as you think she is, she may surprise you.

[Tabitha_Sinn]

It's not fair to either of you to keep the secret any longer.

So true! This really is the bottom line, I think.

[Nikki.]

Another vote in the tell her soon camp. I told mine around 6 months into dating (it's been too long to remember exactly). She stuck with me, even though she was very uncomfortable when we tried makeup. twenty some odd years later (a few months ago), when I came to terms with myself and wanted to progress a bit, it was a relatively minor issue for us to deal with, as she had been aware of the CDing from early on, and we had years of trust. She's very supportive and helpful now with makeup and full dressing.

My point is be upfront and honest, don't force it on her, ala surprising her with a big reveal, etc. Give her time to digest.

[Jenn A116]

Another vote for telling her soon. I told my now-wife several months before I proposed. We met later in life and didn't expect either one to change to some ideal. When I told her she was really good about it and we just agreed to accept each other as we are. We've now been married for 19 years and my CD'ing just isn't an issue.

[Tina_gm]

Count me in as a tell her sooner than later. It was one of my biggest mistakes in life. My wife is still with me, but because she married me not knowing, it has been much harder for her to deal with then if I had told her early on. We all have those same fears. I certainly did. I was still in a lot of deep denial too at the time. The longer it goes, the harder it will get, and the longer it will be for her to adjust or deal, and the greater likelihood that she won't be able to at all. If she bolts now because of it, I know it will be very tough, as all break ups are that we do not want to have ended, but it will be for the best. We deserve people in our life that accept us for who we are, not who they want us to be.

[Mykaa]

Sounds to me its time for "the talk", Good Luck My friend, thinking positive thoughts for you both!

[Lee Andrews]

I'm in the tell her soon camp. I knew this was a part of me that wasn't going away, so about six months in with my wife I told her. I was prepared mentally if she walked, lucky for me she didn't. I was having enough troubles figuring out who I was at the time and didn't need to be worried if my SO found out hanging over my head. Plus, I loved her and didn't want secrets between us that might blow up in my face down the road.

[Genny B]

I would start off with 'I used to be a cross dresser' and see where it goes from there.... That way your giving yourself some protection in case it blows up badly....
Genny B

[Dinsdale]

Tell her sooner rather than later.
The urge to cross dress will not go away.
It is part of you and part of who you are.
Some time after I divorced , I wanted to start dating again and went on line to a dating site and on my profile I stated I cross dressed. I didn't want to make a big deal of it , but I thought it was important any potential partner knew what they were getting and I didn't want any secrets.
Fast forward , I am living with a beautiful woman ,whom I love very much , she accepts my crossdressing as part of me, and doesn't have any problems with it.
We are getting married next February , she has said we will need to go an buy matching lingerie to wear under our wedding attire, Bliss!!!!
So , be brave and let her know you love her , but you need to tell her that cross dressing is a part of you , she needs to make the decision whether she can accept that.Good Luck !!!

[docrobbysherry]

U didn't mention how old u and her r, Jessicaa? Or, what future steps u r planning with her? U also mention "previous experiences with men".

I think your age and past experiences have a great bearing on whether or not u should mention your CDing to anyone you're dating. If u r both young, neither of u may be ready for a serious relationship yet.

[sometimes_miss]

I would start off with 'I used to be a cross dresser' and see where it goes from there.... That way your giving yourself some protection in case it blows up badly....
Genny B

^THIS. This is the way I have planned to go, should I come across a woman who's passed all the other qualifications regarding how well she accepts alternative lifestyle folks. If it goes really well, then we can tell her. If not, we have to decide whether to keep going forward, just keep the dating casual, or break it off completely. You might be able to do the casual thing; but me, once I find out they find crossdressing to be a sexual turn off, I lose any interest in the woman, and wind up having to find another reason to end the relationship. All I can say, is, good luck.

[AllisonS]

I was in that situation. When it became apparent that we were beginning a LTR, I told her, knowing that it might be a heart-breaking, good-bye conversation. She was stunned. She didn't know much about CD. But her immediate and strongest reaction was joy oddly enough. She was joyful that I was open enough to her to tell her something like that. That meant more to her than the fact of it. I think a lot of women are that way. In a relationship, trustworthiness matters and telling someone special you are CD, when you are not out, is a trusting act. I don't know what to tell you about how your femme side does sometimes present challenges to a healthy hetero relationship. It does. That's just a fact. You want to be with someone that loves the whole you. Maybe you found her, but you won't know if you aren't open and intimate. Better to know sooner than later. There is a right time to discuss it. You will know it. Best wishes...

[pamela7]

you probably already know the problem - the longer you leave it the worse the deception. I reckon the ability to "Get Away With" CD goes in parallel with doing/being unber-macho when not CD. If you do this then you have a better chance, perhaps? The truth is indeed to say you have CD'd, and feel the urge growing again?

[Magnetar GG]

I agree with everyone else, you need to tell her.
If she doesn't like it, the heartbreak won't be as bad as it would be after having been together for several years. Possibly after getting married, having kids, etc, if those are things you want someday.
If she accepts it, she will appreciate your honesty, and you won't have to hide.
And although rare, she might enjoy it. Then you can put your hiding and fears behind you and really enjoy what your relationship has to offer.
If you wait to tell her until much later in the relationship, she would be more likely to leave you, not so much for CDing as the fact that she feels betrayed for having been lied to all that time. Even if she doesn't leave you, your relationship would likely be very strained because she feels betrayed and her trust is broken.
So let the cat out of the bag and let her know. And wait. If she decides she wants a break to think it over, don't push, she might still come back after thinking about it. It is a big deal, and she has to decide if that's something she wants in her life. That would be the most loving thing you can do - don't lead her on and no more secrets. Be prepared for a lot of questions about it.

[Alexa CD]

Do not risk your relationship, sometimes sacrifices have to be made. What brings you the most happiness, crossdressing or a relationship with an amazing woman that you love spending time with? Eventually as your relationship with her strengthens you can consider introducing ways to express your deeper desires, but be careful and play it safe, some things are bigger than others and you need to assess your priorities thoughtfully. It sounds like you have something here so really work hard and do your best to make it work, don't second guess yourself, do what you think is right and I'm sure you won't regret it.

Move on from your previous experiences and be the kind of man you know she deserves, it may be hard at first but you can grow into the role and become someone you never thought you could be. We all, everyone, holds things close, we all have secrets and inner most desires but sometimes they prevent us from truly doing what is best for ourselves and for others around us. Really consider your options and the long term here, this could be more important than you think.

Alexa

[giuseppina]

I'm in the disclosure camp, Jessica. The problems caused by non-disclosure and discovery are well documented on this and other forums.