Hey all
It's been months since I've been active on the forums, I'm not sure exactly why.
I've been attending gender counselling since January or Early February but I don't feel like I'm moving in any direction with it (not that the counsellor is bad I just can't bring myself to accept a decision)
I've never thought of myself as female and I still don't, I don't have a disconnect with my body as Ive taught myself to accept as the 'norm' for requiring transition.
The problem I have is with my brain. My counsellor keeps asking "how I feel inside", something previous clients or her training has brought her to do but I don't feel anything, it's like being numb. I can get enjoyment from things and understand when I'm angry or stressed but she makes it seem like you need butterflies in your stomach etc whereas I only have my thoughts.
She says that thoughts have to be acknowledged but that they are not real, only thoughts but that's all I have, for the last several months all I can think about is starting HRT, I performed pretty badly in the semester of college because of it. At times it seemed like depression but I don't have anything really to be depressed about and I had depression a few years ago where I was unemployed and had the mentality of not having a reason to live, it doesn't feel like that now, I've holidays planned, events and concerts to go to however my enthusiasm for them comes and goes because my thoughts keep jumping to "I could do them as female and it'd be an improvement "
I suffer from anxiety when I want to go out in the world as female so I tend to avoid doing it even though in the past I really enjoyed it.
I tried thinking that the dressing I do was fetishistic, that I had autogynephilia because my sexual habits had gone to fantasising about being female in sex etc, this caused a lot of shame and guilt though I've found through counselling that I may have an unhealthy relationship with porn, I've since stopped and have abstained from sexual activities. I tidied my room out the other day and half purged, I dumped my make up and was planning on dumping the clothes because I felt if it was gone and I stayed away from porn I'd return to normal and the over activity of my brain would cease and I could carry I with life.
I ended up keeping the clothes and spent all afternoon yesterday as Sarah, I regretted dumping my make up and plan on replacing it, it was entirely non sexual and due to abstaining I could pick out which thoughts were sexual and ignore them.
The issue is that when I dress is that I can only look for ways to improve my image, I constantly desire breasts and want to rid my body hair, I also can't stop pondering having SRS done as well. I end up debating constantly in my mind if I could go through with it but fear of judgement, getting a career etc plays a big part of the argument. I do this most of the day, it gets me In work while I'm doing my job and it distracts me in college, it sends me into a moody state as I'm negatively arguing about something.
Some days I'll feel I don't need to be female and try and be content with that but I find I can't continue that mindset for long, on the opposite side some days I think I can be the person I think I want to be, or could be but the mental gymnastics crush it down.
I went into the counselling with a half mind that she would make a decision based on what I said but I know that's not her job but I feel I can't make a decision to go forward and I can't go back, part of me says how could I have a family and someone who would love me when I can't be the typical male, I can't resist the longing to be female but my satisfaction diminishes quickly after I change to a female image when all I can dwell on is improving it through augmentation and surgeries.
I go through spells of avoiding friends because the effeminate side of me comes out and I can't cope with being male to them but at the time being psychologically female to me.
My counsellor asked did I think this was what dysphoria is but I said it didn't match up to what I can read online but it also doesn't feel like enough of a push to transition, or more that I'm capable of enduring it irregardless of the fact it turns me moody, prevents me from focusing on life, it ruins my conversation abilities and I don't feel normal because of it.
i also told her my fear, apart from transitioning and having to cope with that is what if I'm wrong, and I do transition but my mentality remains the same, then I'll have ruined my life and probably couldn't live with that, I rarely make tough decisions.
If I end up distracted from my thoughts by a conversation or tv or a film I feel fine but when I realise I haven't been thinking about trans things it all comes flooding back or I do a lot of hindsight thinking such as "I could have had that conversation as female and it'd have been better"
Does anyone have any similarities, my life is crumbling but I don't know how to stop it, who to be or what to do.
Sarah