Hi everyone,
Hope that you're having a wonderful weekend! I joined this site a few months ago and I've learned so much here. After much debating, I finally told my SO of my love for crossdressing, and I'm so grateful that I did. Reading the stories and advice of others here definitely helped me to do it, so I'd like to add my story and pay it forward. It's a long one, so I broke it up into sections :-)
Introducing Eva
First, a bit of background about me. I'm in my late 30's. I've had a fascination with women's clothing for a long time - especially tights and stockings - but I never really crossdressed until a few months ago. Work was taking its toll, I was stressed out, and I decided - on a whim - to meet with a CD/TG makeover service. It's hard to say what pushed me into it. I've read quite a bit about crossdressing and thought that it was something that I should try. And it seemed like the right time.
The makeover was INCREDIBLE for me. I was thrilled to meet my female persona. And I knew at that moment that this would be a shift in my life. I'm very comfortable being a man and I'm happy with myself, but this was a new, hidden part of my persona that was allowed to come out and shine.
And... this shining lady was soon cast down into a weekender bag and put in the back of our apartment storage unit. I live with my SO and had no idea if and when I should tell her. I figured that I'd give it some time - make sure that this is really "me." I joined a weekly meetup group in New York City and started to meet like-minded girls. Nearly all of them are married, nearly all of them are straight, and the majority of them are out to their wives or girlfriends. Their encouragement gave me the strength to finally tell her. I ultimately hid things for about three months - making excuses for my nights out and furiously grabbing the incoming amazon boxes before they were seen. I decided that enough was enough. I mustered up the courage to tell her on Friday.
The First Talk
I told my SO on a Friday afternoon. We both had an early day with work. The hardest thing is figuring out how to start. We were calmly chatting and I began with this...
"I have something to tell you. It's nothing horrible - I didn't cheat on you or kill someone or gamble away our savings. But it's very important. Over the past three months, I've been going to a support group for crossdressers."
This hit her like a ton of bricks. It broke my heart to see her tear up, and a wave of fear come over her face. She looked at me like she had no idea who I was. "Are you gay?" she asked. "Do you want to be a woman?" "Do you want to sleep with a man?" "You've been lying to me all of this time?" She was very upset and walked out of the room. The rest of the evening was really tense and she generally wanted no part of me. I went for a long walk that evening and hoped that we could reopen things in the morning.
Upon waking up, she was still very upset. She barely slept through the night and I felt even worse than before. We ate breakfast separately and she intially told me that she was leaving for the day. After pleading, she agreed to sit down and talk with me again.
The Second Talk
This was her opportunity to ask me more. I've read a TON about crossdressings. I've thought a ton about it. I've met many people who do it. She had none of this knowledge - and she wasn't aware that this is something that straight men in relationships do. And can do successfully. She really knew nothing about it.
I was fighting back tears and calmly told her about my feelings. I told her that being Eva feels like being a part of myself. When I'm dressed, I'm not pretending to be a woman - but I'm being who I truly am - I human being that's genetically male but has a distinct feminine persona that wants to be expressed in a real way. I reassured her that the core of myself hasn't changed and that this can be a good thing for our relationship. She then asked to see a photograph and with tear-stained eyes, I showed her some of the photos that I've posted on this site.
It was amazing. Upon seeing the photos, the cloud over her lifted. She saw my face in them - saw my eyes - saw the genuine look of happiness on my face. It wasn't some frightening perverted thing. It was the man that she loved looking sort of pretty and quite a bit younger with a notably amateurish makeup job. It made things clear for her and made them much less threatening. She hugged me and told me that she could accept this. And my god - what an incredible moment it was! We've been together for nearly 10 years, and this was one of the most emotional things that we've ever gone through. We spent the entire weekend on cloud nine and I feel closer to her than ever. I'm incredibly lucky to have her.
What I learned
Everyone has their own path to follow, but if anyone asked me for advice, this is what I'd tell them:
1. Tell them sooner than later
Secrets will destroy trust and ruin your relationship. As many here have said, the lying hurts much more than the crossdressing. My SO was very upset about the double life and the deception and I've only been doing it for a few months. I told her - truthfully - that I had to see if it was real and understand things for myself before telling her. That ultimately made sense to her. If I told her after a much longer stretch of time, she would have taken it very badly.
2. Have information and photos on hand
Her lack of knowledge about CD'ing was a big part of her fear and anger. She really knew nothing about it and absolutely imagined the worst. If I didn't have that photo of myself on my phone, I don't think that we would be in this good place. It's different for everyone, but it ended up being incredibly valuable in my case. And having a book or a print out about crossdressing would have helped a lot - especially in my initial talk.
3. Do NOT use her clothes or shoes without her permission, ever
This was one of her questions during the first tallk. "Have you been wearing my clothes?!?" It's not only an invasion of her possessions, it introduces a host of negative thoughts. "Is he competing with me?" "Am I not good enough?" "Is he trying to be me?" Get your own clothes, your own shoes, and your own makeup so that there is a clear division.
4. Stress that CD'ing doesn't change you as person at your core.
She isn't losing a husband or a boyfriend, but she's gaining the same man that she loves with a bit more depth and a lot more empathy.
5. Allow her to set the boundaries and the pace
After we reached a better place, I told her this: "I'm not ashamed of this and I'm proud of who I am. But I don't want it to dominate our time and I don't want to force it on you. You can ask me anything about crossdressing at any time. We can go out together if you want, you can meet my girlfriends if you want, we can do anything together. I'd love to share it with you. But I won't initiate it because things should move at your pace."
I believe that this is important. I've read some cases where wives and SO's give their approval and then the CD'er is fully dressed within an hour and looking to go shopping or whatnot. Running into this too fast is a sure way to freak her out. If she can move at her pace then it's better for everyone. Additionally, I pledged to be honest and tell her where and when I'd like to do this.
6. Buy her stuff too.
Most women love shopping and getting gifts. Ever since "meeting" Eva, I've been on somewhat of a girly shopping spree. I have about four pairs of shoes, maybe 10 dresses, at least a dozen pairs of tights, etc. But I've been careful to buy my SO things as well.
In celebration of "the talk," I just bought Eva some lightly used Louboutin's that I've been looking at on Ebay. And I bought my SO a pair as well. I think that its crucial to make her feel like the #1 woman in my life (which she is), and thoughtful gestures like gifts and flowers can go a long way. Just build it into the budget!
Anyway, that's my long-winded story! Thanks for reading and I'm so grateful to be a part of this community. You beautiful ladies gave the the confidence to get here!
I can relate to the part about how your SO reacted to seeing you genuinely happy.
