Gender Fluid? A question for you.

[Dana44]

As a gender fluid male, I have always thought that I was a boy/girl. It took me a lifetime to understand my gender differences and the gender fluid cycle. I am a DES son, a person with female hormones in a male body. I have been sitting on the gender fluid fence for some time. Most of my life in fact. I have aged some and I try like heck to keep in shape. I have a woman’s problem and that is Rosacia on my nose and forehead. It took me awhile to figure that out and how to handle it.
I met another DES son and he had graves disease, a woman's disease. So, in a way we are based as woman, but we were raised as men. Wow, i must say that what life gives you can really be a burden on our journey through life.
Truly what are we? I now for a fact that we are spirits in a human body. The body given to us by our parents. I don't know if I pass as a male anymore as I am slowly turning into a woman as I am aging. My male look is funky at best and I am a feminine male. As a girl I feel at home and happy. But as a male, I feel that I am okay but my male side has accomplished an awful lot but it feels indifferent and has a narrow view of the world. Alas though my lady side is so new that she hasn't gone though life itself to know what it is really like but is learning.

But sitting here today it hit me I am now a girl/boy. I am still on the fence of gender fluid but that changed and I don't know if that is truly what I want. As a male in a relationship. this kind of rattled me and wow it is so different.
I know for a fact that many have not walked in our shoes and may have trouble understanding what I am saying.
For all of the gender fluid here where do you currently sit on that fence and identify as.

[Mykaa]

I suppose Id identify male 1st, I know I havent met anyone like me yet in the people I have met, I know in talking to others here like in a thread, Am I also a girl version of my male side? Well in the androgynous clothes I wear out, I suppose I am. I have always been a plain guy, nothing really special about me in my eyes, Im average in most aspects of physical stature or even less I suppose. Ive always felt I was different. I think a lot of my dressing started as a fetish, I was curious how a woman felt in my younger simple mind, so I tried on things and was immediately attracted to the sensations, even at my age now my metabolism runs fast, I still have most of my hair although its changing color. I notice some physical changes as I get older ( I think it may be normal to get some breast tissue as I get older and hormone levels drop ) Ive wondered about my health in general, I dont have any major health issues Im aware of, I know Im lucky. Ive been trying to find where I fit in, even here I wonder sometimes. I thirst to have more friends, ( people who might know me as I really am and accept me ) I have struggled of late understanding everything I feel, I had euphoria I think for about 2 months after joining here with my acceptance. Im still happier than I used to be, I dont carry anger anymore, Ive learned to let things go, I havent had much choice really. I dont feel seperate, I am a whole person, it doesnt matter to me what clothes I have on, girl clothes just generally make me feel better, they dont have to be frilly or lacey either. Im not a big person physically, womens clothes seem to just fit better for certain types anyway, Im still built like a guy. I find it comforting to wear clothes that dont fit me like a bag, I like fitted jeans and shirts. I do own dresses and skirts, foundations you name it. I suppose Im boy 1st with a side of female, to me Im just me.

[Robin414]

Wow, great post Dana, as you know I think about this ALL the time!

I'll start by saying I'm kind of a late bloomer (ya, that statement alone could burn two hours of therapy I imagine 😯 )

I consider myself gender fluid (by the defenition of the term I suppose) but I think I'm more 'gender switching' if that makes any sense...OK, now that sounds like I'm CD (which I technically am, but it goes way deeper than the clothing)...

I guess sitting on the fence really hurts my behind and I need to stand (a lot), I think I like standing on the pink side more often than the blue...but I'm not sure...I really should keep a diary!

And your second last paragraph...I sooo get it, like sooo get it!

[AllisonS]

Maybe it is better to accept fluidity rather than thinking of a fence you are straddling. Maybe the art of it is in the fluidity and learning how to manage it and use it. I don't know. At times it feels like a personality crisis... good song by the way, New York Dolls

[Robin414]

Interesting perspective Allison, (not trying to hijack Dana's OP (I think we're on the same page) but I read into that thought as looking at being GF as a challenge, I can relate to chalenges (in a good way) 😊

Plus 1 therapy point!

[St. Eve]

thanks for this thread...

I have been ruminating on how I self-identify....gender fluid?, bi-gender?, twin spirited?, in denial because I am not ready to be transsexual?...so I am grateful for the posts...
What I know today is that i have, for as long as I can remember, identified with females more than males. At the same time, I do not feel truly female, either. In fact, biologically, I am all male. I also can feel a female inside.
I feel I could just as easily live either gender, but neither one seems completely accurate. I have always dreamed of the female life, but it may be because I am a fantasy addict and I have a male life, so I dream about a female one.

The best part is that I have released almost all shame for who I am. I now have a sense of being given a gift - a release from the need to adhere to gender boundaries. I am generally much more at peace than I have ever been, UNLESS i start to dwell on the world (my wife, my business, my profession, my family, etc) not being ready for who I really want to be - gender free!!

Having lived almost 5 decades as male, I am craving more female presentation time, and more time to acclimate to being in the world accepting my female insides as much as my male.

I hope that as I get more time, I will also get a better understanding of me....I am just realizing how impossible my original dream is - to just change presentations every month or every quarter or every year, or every day.......

SO grateful for the conversation here, I hope it continues....

Peace
Stevie

[phili]

I spent a long time journaling on this and trying to see what feeling undivided would be- and I think I am comfortable with genderfluid. First thing to say is that gender has a bunch of spectra-anatomical, psychological, dress codes, behavioral norms, etc. And that we are all somewhere on all these spectrums. For me gender fluid means I flow from place to place on the spectrum- I can feel just fine as a typical guy, and a few moments later I am sliding into a feminine space and looking for a dress to put on. This sticks for a while, and then - mostly when doing a project- I turn back into a regular guy and am feeling fine about it- not missing anything- it just doesn't last- gender ebbs and flows.

The big discovery for me has been that because anatomical gender is just one of the spectrums that make up what we call gender- I can be one place on that spectrum and somewhere else on the others. Yay- I don't have to alter my body in any way to have permission to feel , act, dress, etc as feminine as can be.

[Teresa]

St.Eve,
Your comments sound so familiar,it's taken me too many years to finally get to this stage , as I said to Robin in her thread it doesn't feel like a fence because I'm bi-gender so my feelings have been and still are static, I just feel it or need it every day, not an ebb or flow . I think it makes thing slightly easier for me once I realised it and accept it, as you say treat it as a gift, a little extra inside us, the problem being others don't see it like that.

[Rachelakld]

While I've been low on testosterone ever since standing in front of a high power radar - well maybe not, maybe it was just age that brought my levels down.
Actually I've been fluid all my life, but only recently outwardly so.
While I have a "project" something to build or something manly - I love it.
As soon as I don't have projects, I get bored, my maleself hates bored, but I can cope better and relax more efficently in female mode.
So my fluidity seams to be related to external activity levels.

IMG_20160528_145528a.jpg DSCF0342.jpg

[St. Eve]

St.Eve,
Your comments sound so familiar,it's taken me too many years to finally get to this stage , as I said to Robin in her thread it doesn't feel like a fence because I'm bi-gender so my feelings have been and still are static, I just feel it or need it every day, not an ebb or flow . I think it makes thing slightly easier for me once I realised it and accept it, as you say treat it as a gift, a little extra inside us, the problem being others don't see it like that.

Hi Teresa,

Are you defining bi-gender as being both genders simultaneously, and, gender fluid as switching back and forth between the two?? If that is true, then I would tend to identify as Bi-gender with the need to express in both worlds. That seems to fit, because I have a desire for everyone who has know my male presentation to also know my female presentation. On the other hand, I am not close to anyone who has only known me in female presentation, so I do not know if I would want them to know my male expression as well. I just guess that I would.

If I could live in a world that did not care, I believe (and this is supposition because I do not live in this world) that I would just want to be able to dress or not dress in what ever way felt best every day - all male, all female, or some mixture....I do like my fantasies....

Thanks to all for helping me hash it out....

Peace
Stevie

[Tina_gm]

Dana, I cannot entirely relate to how you are feeling, but there are some ways in which I can. I don't know if I have switched from boy/girl, to girl/boy, but, whereas the man/masculine/male has fully evolved, the woman/feminine/female hasn't. It is in a process of evolution due to how I restrained it from evolving until about 3 and a half years ago.

One thing I am finding as time goes on is that there are points in which the gender sides do mesh. I am, have been and always will be more feminine than the average "cisgender" male. Exactly how much, perhaps still left to be determined. But, I am finding myself being able to create a thinner dividing line at times.

[Dana44]

Thanks for all the replies, yes I am still gender fluid and will be the rest of my life. But I do hope that the male becomes more important and leads the fluid part. Right now it is Dana. But she hides good in male presentation but is fully there. LOL

[Tracii G]

I need to find out where to put the fluid in case I get low on it.

[Ceera]

I think I identify as a boy/girl, though the girl side is starting to assert herself a lot more, recently. I repressed any feminine or 'not straight male' inclinations for most of my life, and so I lived most of my life as a straight male identity that knew he was bisexual, but was choosing to live in a straight, monogamous relationship with a GG who I married and raised a daughter with. Now that I am acknowledging and embracing my feminine aspect, and allowing her to express herself openly part of the time, she is trying to 'catch up on what she has missed out on'. While my 'male side' lately has enjoyed wearing more feminine clothes, and having my nails done full time and wearing earrings full time, the feminine clothes I choose in male mode are not overt - things like womens jeans with no decoration that outs them as feminine, panties that don't show, or recently, wearing female sandals so my painted toenails can be seen in male mode. When presenting male, I wouldn't wear a dress or overtly feminine blouse. When presenting female, I'll do the whole range of feminine clothes, from extremely girly to tomboy/lesbian casual, but all definitely female or unisex items in my visible attire. I don't tend to do an androgynous or mixed-mode presentation. I'm either a girl or a guy, depending on my inclinations and desires at that moment.

I haven't had my hormone levels checked, but I plan to do so on one of my next doctor visits. As I haver been aging (I'll be 59 this year), I have noted some Rosacia issues on my face, and hadn't thought before your post that this might be a 'feminine issue'. In the last 5 years or so my face has become more red than it was when I was younger. Not like a port wine stain, but like a constant light sunburn, and with some dryness. I've also noticed some breast tissue enlargement in the last 5 years, even though I have never done any sort of HRT. I have a solid A cup, approaching a B cup now. Maybe my hormone levels are shifting to something less masculine?

I feel like I have two spirits within one body. I repressed the feminine, but I think it was always there within me. Both sides of me are bi, but to differing degrees. My male aspect strongly prefers female partners, but could go with a male partner if the right person came along. He's still uncomfortable hanging out in gay bars as a male, as he spent most of my life in change of my body and repressing my feminine and bisexual aspects and inclinations. My female aspect is similar in preferring female partners, and so tends to act mostly like a lesbian and seek out lesbian friends. But she is more open to the idea of a male partner than my male aspect is. She's completely comfortable in a gay bar or nightclub, interacting with either gender. My feminine side is more extroverted and sociable than my male side.

What it feels like for me now is that my body has two 'drivers'. The male side has been in control for most of my life. But now, when my female side wants to do something out in the world, I can grant her the control, and let her have her fun. Both sides are 'aware' all the time. But which side is 'in control' affects my voice, movement, and reactions to my environment in countless ways. I'm always aware that I am in a male body. And as much as I love expressing the girl in me, I doubt I will ever change my body to female and live full time as a girl. The dysphoria aspect just isn't there, for me. I've pierced my ears and had my nails done and shaved my body smooth, but developing breasts or other steps beyond that toward feminizing my body would make it too hard to express my male side, and I have no strong reason to 'give him up', at this point in my life.

[BiancaEstrella]

For me, genderfluid probably defines me best of all. A typical day consists of me waking up, and letting how I feel dictate the way my day will go. If I've got an obligation one way or the other, I answer to it first and foremost. In my line of work, clothing is utilitarian, so I don't bother gendering it up too much. If I'm feeling particularly feminine, that may reflect in my comportment, or I'll "hold off" until I'm free to go do what I want. But, no longer will I ignore or cast aside my feminine energy when it needs to time & space to flourish. And when it's time to stop, there's nothing to be sad about, because she was given the full extent of her self-expression.