Post OP Depression

[Suzanne F]

First thing, I had a much better post OP doctor visit on Monday. Everything looks much better and I am on the way to having a beautiful, well you know! I also feel much better emotionally. When I was with Dr Satterwhite I told him about how depressed I had become after surgery. I felt almost guilty that I had not just been elated all of the time. I was surprised when he said that maybe 90 percent of post OP women feel some depression after surgery. He asked me if we ever talked about this and I honestly don't remember a thread about it.

I need to divulge that I am Bi polar and that could have a lot to do with my struggles. My diabetes also flared up and this didn't help. Finally, I am a nut runner and the lack of activity certainly didn't help. But I will say that I went to a very dark place during this process. It was or is the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I have been through quite a lot considering alcohol and substance abuse.

I would like to hear any ladies discuss what if any depression they encountered after any surgeries during transition. I hope that women who are facing surgery will be prepared and be able to recognize this if and when they feel down. I can't stress enough how dark it was for a little bit! I also want to say I have no regrets and that I am getting stronger every day. I look forward to a beautiful life as the person I was meant to be!!!!

Suzanne

[Heidi Stevens]

First off Suzanne, your exploring territory I've yet to enter. I can only hope the others who have "been there and done that" will help you through the rough spots. Stay positive! You have jumped all the major hurdles and you are now in control of where you are headed. Stay strong!

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Suzanne,
Just a big 'ol hug from me girlfriend!
When it starts getting dark, remember that you have
friends that truly care about you.
I'm glad to hear "things" are shaping up.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Badtranny]

Thank you for this Suzanne.

This is the kind of stuff this forum needs to be addressing.

I'm anxious to hear what the people who haven't had GCS have to say.

[Beth-Lock]

For the last couple of years, there has been a new standard, that one needs counselling to continue for a year or two, post-op, by someone skilled in psychology/.psychiatry, with trans, like that person who handled the pre-op screening, etc., psychologically. Before, that was not mentioned or required, but experience has shown it is necessary.

After surgery, it is also common to have some physical/surgical complications, often, more scary than serious, and they are disturbing and discouraging. The surgeons or gynecologists or GP/family Doctors, you will consult for such physical problems, are not always the best choice for help with the psychological consequences of dealing with them. I think mishandling them is a major cause of a lot of trouble after surgery, including event-driven/caused depression, and even doubts about transition having been a good idea in the first place, with such doubt causing deeper depression still.

If surgical complications and their sometimes accompanying excruciating pain, are not dealt with post-op, the agony and depression, can have unpredictable consequences, of the worst kind, acted out in RL. Need I say more, with the recent headlines before us?


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "You left me just when I needed you most !"

[LeaP]

I'll ignore Misty's last because I'm responding from a bipolar standpoint, not SRS. It's a toss up as to whether GD or being bipolar has been more destructive in my life. From a bipolar standpoint - and for me - the single most important factor in keeping episodes at bay, at least after the chemical issues that cause it, has been stability. Stultifying, controlled, circumscribed, patterned stability ... and never, ever being in a position to be pinned down. It's pretty well-controlled these days, but over my life, change (bad OR good) has meant anxiety and anxiety easily leads into a manic episode when conditions are right.

So from where I sit, I can easily see myself in your psychological state. ADs, for the most part, have capped manic episodes and put a floor under depression. ... but I'm still quite prone to "normal" depression (and sometimes deep) from circumstances. That may not make any sense to someone who is not bipolar, but there is a real difference in the quality of the depression.

You've undergone such a fundamental change. A good one, but still a commitment with no options out. It has broad (sic) and deep implications. Doubtless chemical changes are in play, too, blockers not being the same ... but the posties can speak to that.

I don't know if any of this resonates, but if so, hang in there. You have to reach a new stability.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are talking about a real and powerful thing.

Dont count your chickens that its all over

dont know if its hormonal, if its physical exhaustion , but my guess is tthat something about FINALLY reaching a point you've been consciously and subconsciously living for your entire life releases alot of internal energy, its like letting go of the only thing that really mattered to you from a survival standpoint...its like the 24/7 crap going on in your head is gone...now what??? pretty daunting!! in a way its easier to call a doctor, pay them, get surgery than to learn to live as yourself..

i think sometimes people achieve this feeling without surgery and i wonder if they go through a depressed phase??

one thing i noticed...i did FFS, then GCS...over a two year period...i felt no post ffs depression...it was totally positive even tho i had complications...my GCS depression "phase" came at about 3 months and drifted out of my life within the next year...

[arbon]

My first year post op was difficult with a lot of depression, but I don't know how much was post surgery depression or from other circumstances in life. It seemed like everything hit at once.

My need for surgery kind of came on quickly. I had had an orchi prior and was somewhat convinced that was enough for me, and did not think I would ever be able to have the srs anyway because of money and other reasons. Then I had a brief intimate relationship and that really triggered me, I felt I could not have physical relationships with that anatomy. So I went from not going to have surgery to have to have surgery now. It hit me kind of hard. The next six months I somehow came up with the money to do it and made it happen. So it all happened fast and intensely.

When I got to thailand I was alone in this other country, facing this surgery - biggest thing in my life, had a lot of other issues going on in my life back home weighing on me. First night in Thailand I drank after over 20 years sobriety and being active in 12 step programs. I know you understand the significance of that Suzanne.

After surgery I was in lots of pain, they kept me in bed (or tried to) for the first couple weeks. It was hot and humid, I was covered in rashes all over my body, miserable, in pain, was feeling like I was not getting support from others back home I was really hopping for... turned back to drinking the rest of the time I was there.

When I got home from thailand my wife decided that now I was post op it she could not live with me anymore, even though we had been sleeping separate for years and had for the most part a roommate type situation. So then I was out on my own for the first time in 18 or 19 years, and no longer living with my daughter either. That is a huge adjustment! and I was lonely. Wife kept pretty much everything, I left with my cloths and my personal stuff, old car. everything else gone. And I was broke from surgery trying to get back on my feet. Recovering from surgery was hard I had a lot of pain for long time, lot of post op issues which were freaking me out, was really worried about those. And I kept drinking trying to numb it all out a little.

So is post op depression as your talking about? I am sure it was mixed into it all.
first year post op was certainly challenging for my mental health. Im still working through it.

The surgery itself, now after some time, was worth it and glad I did it. It was not perfect, but am feeling much more at peace with the results.
But the other areas of my life have a ways to go.


edit----------

There used to be a couple people here who would say that transition as a woman does not really start till after surgery. In a lot of ways I am finding that is true for me finding my place as a woman in the world and letting go of the transgender aspect of it all.

[jentay1367]

I'm anxious to hear what the people who haven't had GCS have to say.

l.o.l. .....................................

[Zooey]

I'm anxious to hear what the people who haven't had GCS have to say.

All I have to say is that I promise to let you know what happens to me when I eventually have GCS.

Well, that, and saying that I'm also really glad this is being discussed. The mental and emotional changes/issues that we deal with as part of transition don't get nearly enough coverage. I'm the same person I was before, except for the part where I'm a completely different person than before.

[Lorileah]

Welcome to the club Suzanne. Yes, there is a depression after surgery, No your other conditions didn't cause it specifically but maybe they added to it. Yes, I had that depression afterwards. Mine became confusion and anger. I was sure no one could really understand what I was going through, how my life had changed (it hadn't) and then the world started (it seemed to me) to suddenly become anti....me.

I knew going in it wouldn't be unicorns and rainbows afterward. Yet I fell into that trap. I had the pieces, why didn't the rest of the world now embrace me as a woman (gee, maybe they didn't see my t-shirt that says "Have vagina will travel"). I have addressed in another thread that I thought maybe it would improve my social life. After all I had the part every man wants now. Except they don't want it in a modified version, they want it in a newer model in the original package (no dents, no creases, low mileage) It took me a couple weeks to realize what had happened (no not that, it was obvious after the bandages came off what happened) but my background in the BDSM world gave me the insight. We call it "sub-drop". It is what occurs after an intense high and in this case a prolonged build up to that high and the sudden decrease in adrenaline and other chemicals due to lack of production, it was over. Compare it to many things, post natal depression is probably close. Becoming suddenly alone from divorce or death. It is a real thing. You were focused on the goal and you worked hard toward that goal. It was a distraction to many things around you. Most people work through it and move on. Not all can because it remains confusing. Why didn't this work as I planned? In some cases a new "high" is sought and in some cases the same high is chased (we can't do that, this was a once in a lifetime thing, you can't redo it over and over).

You spent X number of years getting where you are. You may not have had lofty goals but still, it didn't work like you planned. You planned on being something, and you may still be that something, but it wasn't there the weeks after surgery, Things didn't work like you thought they would. There were unforeseen complications or psychological speed bumps. In my case that led to anger toward people I liked before. They didn't "get it" in my case. I could not be part of the crossdresser/drag queen world (in my mind and PLEASE PLEASE people don't make this another "us against them" thread...we get it, TSs are different but we need to be together, that's my story and I'm sticking with it). Prior to surgery I could not fit in the "gay" world because they wanted someone who didn't look like a woman (or who would do a show and rush offstage to become a man again). I couldn't date lesbians (wrong parts) I couldn't date straight (and I mean straight, not questioning, looking for a thrill closet gays with wives at home) men (see lesbian above...wrong parts, I thought) and I couldn't find a woman who would take me as I was (had two, I am beyond lucky for that). I was SURE that afterward I could compete for the attention of either a man or a lesbian (fail). So there I was...alone. Or at least I thought I was alone. And I was bored.

I do think a lot of us go through some sort of drop after the procedure. Different reasons but really, you have put so much time and effort to get there, you expect nothing but the best. 20 years of school and a doctorate, expected people to throw money (Hmmm should had tried stripping). Didn't happen.

So, you are not alone. In this or anything else associated with this. I have met some of your support group. You will get through it (I am here too you know how to contact me). You will learn from it and you will move on and you will get a lot of what you hoped for. Not all but a lot. You have a sister here, we will always be sisters.

[KymberlyOct]

Suzanne, This has been a long journey for you with struggles along the way and there may not be a definitive 'finish line' but remember how far you have come and what you have achieved. Think back to years ago. Could you have imagined that you would get to where you are now? Try to focus on what you have accomplished on becoming your true self.

As a new member since last month I am on the start of this journey of transition. Every day my eyes are opened a little more. I have started therapy at a transgender clinic, I have told my many doctors that I see for other health reasons that I am transitioning. I am getting mixed responses which I will go into under another thread but as I learn more and have more insight and I want to say a huge THANK YOU to this group. There are a handful of regular contributors such as yourself Suzanne that give great feedback but also when you are looking for feedback by sharing your stories you help educate us all and help us consider our own situations with more insight. I feel very fortunate to have found this group. And while it is only one brick of the many necessary for support in transition I think it is a valuable one so thank you all.

Stay strong Suzanne and remember how far you have come.

[PretzelGirl]

I'm anxious to hear what the people who haven't had GCS have to say.

Uh...., I'll say that I saw Lori mention divorce and I hope I didn't set myself up for a double whammy. Time to talk with some friends and have them keep an eye on me.

[Suzanne F]

Sue we will be right here !
Suzanne

[pamela7]

This is the kind of stuff this forum needs to be addressing. I'm anxious to hear what the people who haven't had GCS have to say.

It sure it the stuff to talk about, along with other topics, like how the sex works out post-GRS, practically (without breaking guidelines).

I'm pre-lots, but i can look across at other life peak experiences and goal achievements and see the same post-high depression in sportspeople - many of whom also suffer manic-depressive emotions. Sometimes getting what you want is anti-climactic. My recipe therefore is to, as serenely as possible, go through the daily motions, without much drama.

Set new goals or create something to focus on perhaps? I'm finding the months/years of waiting so tedious that I'm having to fill time with tasks to avoid getting into depressive situations on the wait.

xx Pam

[Kate T]

i think sometimes people achieve this feeling without surgery and i wonder if they go through a depressed phase??

I haven't and don't intend to have surgery. And I don't know if I would consider myself FINALLY reaching that complete point that Kaitlyn talks about. I am close, probably part of the reason I rarely post any more. I haven't had any depression or a depression phase per se, but then I never was one who got depressed before transition either. I get upset about things, I had to do something at work yesterday, it was what you might call a necessary evil, but it was so utterly against who I am as a person that it was abhorrent and I almost vomited from hating myself so much for doing it. That emotion though I think is different from true depression, at least as far as my limited understanding of depression goes.

I think Kaitlyn is right in that for so long your focus and energy and everything you've almost been able to hang on this one point and it is sort of like now what. But I think there is something else as well. Many of us have hated who we were and felt we had to be emotionally, mentally and physically. I think we forget how to love ourselves. I think that can be extraordinarily challenging and in it's toughest moments of wondering whether we are loveable or just monsters for what we do to the people around us and to ourselves, it can be depressing. We have to relearn how to love ourselves, not based on whether society or even family accepts us, but whether we accept ourselves.

Best wishes

[jentay1367]

Oh where oh where is Suzanne? We haven't heard from her since the 16th. I'm getting a little worried........are you out there Woman? Give us a heads up when you can.

[PretzelGirl]

Suzanne is fine and paid me a visit last night. Anything else, she can talk to.

[jentay1367]

Awesome....good to hear. Sounds like you're doing well too, Sue. Both good things to hear. Thank you!

[Angela Campbell]

After the surgery I was first kind of numb emotionally. Dealing with the pain and discomfort was exhausting for a few months. Then there was an almost empty feeling. Kind of like I was expecting something but not sure what. It felt like nothing changed, but then again looking back over the last year or so I think everything changed. I just couldn't really feel it at the time.

It really is like what I have told others about the initial transition, when you actually go full time. It isn't going to be anything like what you expected. It wasn't for me. I felt like I now have it all but I feel the same. I was depressed because I wasn't as ecstatic as I expected. I don't know. at about 16 months later things are pretty good and I am pretty much acclimated. The first year was difficult in many ways.

I guess this isn't talked bout here much is because it is hard to put into words.

There used to be a couple people here who would say that transition as a woman does not really start till after surgery. In a lot of ways I am finding that is true for me finding my place as a woman in the world and letting go of the transgender aspect of it all.

I agree. I can also say I got that feeling to a larger degree when I got my birth certificate, prior to the surgery. But to a lesser degree after.....long after.

[Suzanne F]

Sorry to have been absent so long! I have been crazy busy trying to get back to work. My wife and I has an anniversary trip back in early July that went great. Then Kris and Sue came to the Bay Area for surgery. Jennifer and Jane visited last weekend so it has been a whirlwind. I have been so privileged to be with many trans women lately. Really I have just been too busy to post here. I guess that means the depression is lifting!
Suzanne

[jentay1367]

Coooool! Welcome back to the Zoo, Suzanne!

[PretzelGirl]

Now that I am in the danger zone, I am being self aware. I think there can be a lot of factors going into this. I talked with a therapist working in this area and he feels a lot of this risk is expectations. I will fell better, I will feel more like me, etc. I also think being prone to depression is a multiplier. I am not prone to depression and am feeling good other than not being one that likes everyone else doing the work. I am pretty laid up and committed to it so that I heal right, so we will see. I am also with grandkids for the next 2 1/2 weeks and that is uplifting. So we will see if the dark cloud settles on my or if I get fortunate enough to be the minority.

[tgirlamc]

Hi Sue!!!

I hope you are all settled.., there's no place like home for healing!!!... Although possible, I don't think depression is necessarily a given post op.., Although I did experience a bit post FFS ... I did very well mood wise post GRS despite having worrisome complications.... I found that for me, there's a bit of a feeling of being cut off from the rest of life while laid up... I sure missed my running!!!... But I think you have a great attitude about the process and realistic expectations as well... these two things will serve you well during this time and when combined with the loving support of friends and family... I predict smooth sailing!!!....

Hugs!!!
Ashley

[PretzelGirl]

Ashley, I don't think it is a given. But it does seem the odds can be high. I agree with the feeling of being cut off. I am really only in the beginning, but am starting to sense that. Plus another thing I didn't think of is that dilation is frequent enough that you are thinking "Again???". I appreciate doing 15 minute sessions as I have heard from someone that did 45 minute sessions. I can certainly see that being a contributor.