How My Husband Makes Acepting Him So Easy

[kathy gg]

I am not preaching or bragging or gloating. I am just wanting to share how and why my husband being a crossdresser is never a source of conflict in our lives.

If you are NOT just a "crossdressers only" this really would not apply.

I am also taking a big chance by sharing this on this portion of the site. Things like this I would normally not post where all can read. Usually I would only share this with people via p or in the g section only. Please know I am not putting anyone down or criticizing or implying anything about anyone else other than my life and my marriage. If one person gets an idea out of this, super cool.

But for any who are curious about a wife's perspective read on:

1) I knew going into our marriage.

We made sure to ask hard difficult questions of each other. Dare I say questions that would make some people uncomfortable. But we both needed to make sure we both had some similar ideas about life, marriage, and the future.

2) My husband was over the worst part of any guilt or shame he might have had.

Like many he went through that rough time of wondering what it all meant. Tried to stop a few times, etc. But the worst was behind him. He had accepted himself and did not spend all his time and engery trying to understand 'why'.

3) He was sure of his sexuality.

We had long talks about this subject. It it came down to he is only attracted to gg's.

4) He has strong feelings about about being monogamous and faithful in a relationship.

He said if I had been a swinger or bi-curious or interested in any other kind of situation, he would have not continued dating me. That impressed me. Because I knew already that some guys will agree to anything once they find a woman is accepting of dressing. Him willing to pass me up if I was not in the same headspace was a truthful and blunt answer that showed just how serious he was.

5) He is sure of his gender.

He does enjoy expressing his femme side, but not so much that is shadows or casts a negative on his male side. We even talked about what if he won the lottery would he consider full time or other changes..his answer was always consistent. He had already questioned that possibility and always came back with the same answer. Not something he wanted.

6) He keeps me informed about body modifications and superficial changes.

Personally I am not fond of body hair on guys. And he knew this from day one, but it was still nice that he talked to me when he was considering having professional hair removal done on his face. he knew I would be fine with it, but to still keep me informed was a nice gesture. I did not get sprung on me.

7) We divide our "fun" money equally so no one person ever feels like they are short-changed.

After our bills get paid we each get a little to blow on what ever we choose. I never feel like he is over spending on 'her' and he does not have to feel like I am stifling his feminine needs. Everybody gets what they want.

8) We talk about what he would like to do en femme next. Together, before it actually happens.

We discuss possible outings, making of new friends, and other things he might want to do. I don't get forced or coerced into going or doing or meeting someone I am not somewhat prepared for. I usually have plenty of time to think if it is an activity that I am okay with and any safety concerns I might have can get worked out. We choose our outings and friends with thought and mutual agreements.

9) I get plenty of boy-time too.

As much as I love when Amanda is in full mode or half-done mode I still enjoy my hubby as a guy. After all, I married a crossdresser, not a woman. And I think he is a pretty cute guy and I do like when that cute guy takes me out to a movie or dinner or dessert in our bedroom! This balance keeps me happy to have Amanda around!

10) We compliment each other and boost each other.

I tell him he looks handsome or beautiful. He tells me I am cute. The adjectives change, but the sentiments are always there to some small or large extent most every day.

11) We try to make time to talk and listen to each other.

And that is hard when you have a toddler! But it still has to happen. Constant open and honest talking keeps things moving along. You have to be able to sometimes say things that they other might not want to hear. You have to sometimes know you wont' always agree, but that is okay. You still love each other.

and

12) We not only say we love each other, but prove it with our actions.

Thanks for reading this.

[Julie Avery]

Kathy, I appreciate the opportunity to see another crossdresser's partner's perspective in such detail, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. Thank you so much for posting this.

[tammie]

Hi All: KathyGG, U Rock! These R in fact guidelines for just about any good relationship, but with the mods to make being a crossdresser acceptable. Thanks for the time and willingness to share with all.

[Shelly Preston]

H Kathy

This is a wonderful thread especially for those who have yet to inform their SO. Normally we would not have the oportunity to hear the view of how things can work between people. I am so glad you decided to share this and if it saves one relationship it will have been worth while

[KimberlyS]

Kathy, I just love your posts. So reallistic, thought filled, and what should be common sense.

I will also ditto Tammie's points, related to any relationship.

KimberlyS

[Rachael Warren]

[SIZE=4]Thanks for sharing that Kathy, it is a wonderful post.[/SIZE]

[RenaCD]

Kathy and Amanda what a great thread very up beat and positive. It sounds like the two of you really have it nailed, and what more could you ask for? The key that I get from your thread is communication and respect for each other that's all it takes to make things work in this world.
Once again Great Thread and keep it up you two!

[renee k]

Hi Kathy,

That's what it's all about, being honest, sharing, and open. A marriage is a partnership in all it's aspects. My hat is off to you and Amanda. Thanks, for the post.

Huggs, Renee

[Megan72]

Kathy:

Thank you for the wonderful insight. I am sure that at least in my life i will heed a great deal of your advice. Again, thank you!!

[ChristineRenee]

Beautiful post Kathy. Sounds like you two have really worked this out to both your mutual satisfaction and benefit. While my wife really isn't a major active participant in my CD'ing, we are very close to having a mutual understanding as good as what you and Amanda have.

Thank you for being willing to share this with the entire forum here. The sharing of your experience will, I'm sure, greatly benefit other CD's and their SO's in their struggle to come to cooperative terms with our very unique and extraordinary lifestyle!

[Jenni]

Wow, Kathy, it really sounds like you two share everything and anything. You are indeed on solid ground, and it's obvious you both put a lot of effort into making it all work.

Thanks so much for your perspective; you must truly have a marriage many of us here can only dream about.

[S. Lisa Smith]

[Carlacd]

Thank you very much Kathy. A lovely post from the heart.

[CharleneCD]

Kathy, most of what you two do is the same for me and Bunny. Its working for us so I can see how it works for you. Thanks for sharing.

[nikisbest]

Kathy,
I have always loved your post, they are always from the heart
and well written. I used to read alot of your stuff on parsimony
forum.
Thanks for being one of the accepting ladies and SO's
Niki

[Wendy me]

Kathy thanks for shareing that with us. right now my wife and myselfe are working on getting things sorted out with all them steps ... your post gives me more hope thank you again......

[Sharon]

My wife could have written a similar post while we were married, Kathy. It's almost complete.

While you share this crossdressing need of your SO, does he share or involve himself with any part of your sexual or personal needs? I'm sure he does, but no list is complete without equal understanding and consideration.

Unbeknownst to my wife, and to me also for that matter at the time, some of what I told her, and had been convincing myself of for years, was not true. Not to scare you, but sometimes the truth is difficult to know for certain.

[womanatheart]

Kathy,
Thank you for taking the time and sharing your valuable inner thoughts with us. Your perspective is dear.
As I re-read your post I jotted down the #'s you gave that I thought were utmost and invaluable to a CD/GG marriage relationship;
#3: Sure of his sexuality
#4: monogomous
#5: Sure of his gender
#6: informed of changes
#8: informed of efem plans
#9: boy time
#12: Prove love by actions not just words.
All the rest were close 2nds!!!
I have often thought that if done right, a cder can be the best husband, boyfriend, mate, husband, girlfriend any GG/RG would want. A CDer can offer a GG/RG both very male and uniquely complimentary/satisfying female if done in balance. I believe there are times when being/having a feminine/soft/understanding side can help in a relationship with a GG/RG. Equally there must be a balanced male side.
You put it all so well.
It sounds like you both have found that perfect mix. Admiration, joy, respect and love to you both.
Love,
Stephanie

[carol ann]

My wife found me out a few years ago and although she was helpful, sympathetic and willing to talk about the fact at the time, it was evident that my feminine side was something she really did not want to have to face up to.

She felt that by her being extra warm and considerate, I would have no need to express a feminine profile. Consequently in order to keep our relationship as strong as it had always been, I have had to retreat to the closet and only dress ( in outer clothes anyway) when she is not at home.

I am now in a position when she knows, but does not know - if that makes any sense. I just wonder how many wives are as understanding of the crossdressing urges as you are?

[kathy gg]

Hi Sharon,

You had some quetsions...

He is pretty good about meeting my personal needs. I actually have two hobbies which take some time away from me being home some days and he is very accomodating and encouraging. And imagine someday he will participate in my hobbies more when he retires.

As for "sexual"...like most couples with young children can probably relate...things do "change" to some extent when you have a child. For us a full day spent in our bedroom on the weekend is just not a weekly or even monthly occurance as it used to be. But we do make the most of evenings out, and our time after our child has gone to sleep for the night. Sometimes the stars don't align {as they say} but when they do I feel that all my needs are met when they do!

As for not scaring me. Well Sharon, I have been around this scene since 1997, trust me, there is not much you can say that would scare me.
The reality is for me, I know my husband and he knows me. Will our lives change and grow as time goes on? Of course they will, I am not wanting to be caught in a time warp either. But I do believe most of us have a
"core" self. I was lucky to have met my husband at point in time when he had many years to consider who/what/where he was in his life. He really could have done or been or engaged in many of the plethora of "treats" that are out there for crossdressers. He had no obligations to keep him from finding that truth. For me, I have had a life full of experince and a failed marriage under my belt. I know that rarely in life are things set in stone.
But when everything is stripped away and all the cards are on the table, our 'inner core self' is what it is. No matter how much I {or even my husband} have changed since that day we walked down the isle, our "core" values have not changed. Those 12 things I wrote about above are pretty much what they were then and what they are now. What does the future hold? I dont' know, who does? But there are quiet a few things I feel won't change in our life wihtout consideration and contemplation from both parties.

I know it is hard for some people to believe, but sometimes what you see...well it is what you see and not an illusion or a denial or a mask or a facade.

Thanks for your comments and healthy skepticism.

My wife could have written a similar post while we were married, Kathy. It's almost complete.

While you share this crossdressing need of your SO, does he share or involve himself with any part of your sexual or personal needs? I'm sure he does, but no list is complete without equal understanding and consideration.

Unbeknownst to my wife, and to me also for that matter at the time, some of what I told her, and had been convincing myself of for years, was not true. Not to scare you, but sometimes the truth is difficult to know for certain.

[kathy gg]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I want everyone to know I did not do this to get slaps on the back or to boost any egos on our end. I simply just wanted to write about things that have worked. I am glad some found it beneficial. And also very happy to know others are on their way to peaceful homefronts as well in their marriages. And to those who are working on coming out or contemplating....I always keep my fingers and toes crossed for those who are ready to share this with their wife/gf.

[Paula UK]

kathy

some time ago i posted a message from my own SO. ill attach it here cuz it so relates to stuff you have said here! we were going to build a website around our thoughts and experiences (not done yet).

heh! some of you gg's are so understanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The Day I lost My Knickers
Hello, let me introduce myself. I am Jane, Paula’s partner. Yes, contrary to popular and very ignorant belief about Cross Dressers and TV’s they do have opposite sex wives and girlfriends and I am one of those. The reason I decided to participate in Paula’s site is really to bring a reality element to the site, that this is not some fantasy being fulfilled by her or me, commonly known as "bedroom fun". It’s real life, it happens and for anyone out there who is plain ignorant, or in many cases desperately wanting to come "out of the knicker drawer" then that’s what I am here for. To tell my side of the story and to say that should you, or maybe your partner need a friendly ear to bend I am here to offer support and understanding to both parties.
So, what happened "The Day I Lost My Knickers", well to be honest. I have to say I didn’t really freak. I am a very spiritually minded person, and have been on a very high spiritual path since I was a child. I have never been indoctrined into "society’s beliefs or faiths" I have always believed that each individual is on their own path of learning and experience and should follow where ever that path leads them. I have spent many years looking into relationships, how we all function, what can go wrong and I can only see the main basic reason for making life hard for each other is because we, (society), have been indoctrined to Victorian values of ignorance and fear.
For us it all happened one evening of bedroom fun when I jokingly made my partner dress up in some of my clothes, I meant it as a giggle and we did have some fun I can tell you, but he did say to me at the time "You do realise you could be opening up a can of worms here?" Well, me being me just laughed it off at the time, had a jolly wizzy time playing about all night and forgot about it the next morning. It became apparent over a few days that something was different. He seemed different. We were actually working away from each other at the time and spent what must have been about 6 hours on the phone one evening before he flew out to Spain to visit a business colleague talking about "the can of worms". I remember lying on my bed listening to him totally open up, tell me about his feelings, and all I did was ask rather in-depth, searching questions, each one helping him to open up and tell me EVERYTHING. From then on we talked more, in fact we talked each day. Perhaps because we were on the opposite ends of a phoneline there is a bit of distance between you. It would have been just the same as him writing it all in a letter to me. Some of you may find this way of dealing with it as a kind of cop-out and not being able to talk about it face to face. But, let’s do a reality check here. For someone to come out of a closet and say they are a cross-dresser or TV is one hell of an emotional upheaval for both parties and takes more balls than most men have.
There are two ways you can face this (1) get your trainers on and leg it, or (2) listen, cut out the ignorant indoctrination and share something very special and I mean special. As Paula’s partner I can say I have the most emotionally, in tune guy on earth and I know that every other wife or girlfriend in the same position as me will say exactly the same thing. To understand the psyche and where all this comes from is very deep and is something I shall be writing about in the future for the site. But I can safely say that from my perspective, I have someone to go shopping with for knickers, someone who doesn’t tell me "Your bum looks big in that" and I actually have no fear of "losing my knickers" well only if they are ripped off in a moment of gay abandonment, (that’s another story!). Paula is only the other side to my partner’s psyche that I have longed for and I am not talking bi-sexually. Come on, it’s hard to be bi-sexual with a **** in a frock is it ????
What I am trying to say is, that for those of you who are out there and want to come out of the closet, or those who suspect their partner, or who have just come out, then you are not going to actually lose anything you are going to gain something. If you have children then I can hardly see your partner prancing round in front of them, give the guy some credibility. He is also highly unlikely to disappear off on a Friday night wearing his suspenders and stockings to a local meeting either. The best way to handle all this is to talk, listen and share. Allow all your own feelings and emotions to flow. Paula and I have talked over and over about this subject and at any time when perhaps she wants to be out, but I don’t want her I say so, she doesn’t intrude into our lives, she isn’t there all the time. Once again I hardly think your partner is going to come out of the closet and immediately change his wardrobe and appear at work as another persona – it just doesn’t happen. I am also not saying it wont happen in the future, but as I have said previously we all have a path to follow, we are all here for a reason and whatever you do in this life to stop your partner, to shove that other persona back into the closet it won’t happen, because once "she" is out, she is there for keeps.
Perhaps you have been through something similar to me, or maybe it was harder for you then let’s all get together and share our feelings; share with each other. Feel free to mail us with your story, with helpful hints, suggestions ANYTHING. This site is for everyone. Send in your pics, show us who you are and be proud of yourself, send in your dirty bedroom stories or fantasies too – we all like those for a little adult entertainment
If we think back 20 years ago when gay men and women were coming out of the closet all we could do was ridicule them, but now we see the subject appear on everyday television. There should be no alternative lifestyles, we should never ridicule anyone for being "themselves" or who they know they are whatever gender that may be. Men are 60% male and 40% female, and women are 60% female and 40% male, this is a scientific fact and all that cross-dressers and TVs are doing is balancing out their male and female counterparts within themselves and we are the ones who gain. I have to say, I don’t want some emotionally ****ed up guy who thinks he is gods-gift, I would much rather spend an evening in the arms of my partner or Paula than having to plump up someone else’s rather small ego, or should that be penis !!
For those of you who have stumbled across this site out of shear curiosity and are now thinking "raving puffs" amongst other ignorant and uneducated sentences I can safely say that Paula is "more of man than you will EVER be"
Until next time.
Jane xxx





paulax

[Aloha_Dana]

Kathy, thank you for the post. Communication, honesty, confidence, trustworthy, it appears your relationship is on solid ground. Those fundamentals can be appied in many relationships.

Many of those items are going into 'my plan', though I cannot take back #1. I've got a lot to overcome by missing that mark.

Thanks again,
Dana

[Charlene Marie]

Kathy, Your are one in a million, very loving, very astute. My darling wife is also fine with my other side and I was also honest from day 1. I wish you and Amanda all the best in life. your are both remarkable and your story will be cherished by many. thank you so much for sharing, it was very well put and sincere, and for that we really appreciate you both.

Sincerely yours,

Charlene Marie

[TxKimberly]

Kathy,

Thanks for sharing. Call me crazy, but this is not only good advice for crossdressers and their wives, but it is good advice for ANY marraige in many ways. So far, my wife and I have been married for 18 years and I think we have some of this down. Got to admit though that I have a selfish streak a mile wide and probably do not give as much as I get from her. I suppose its a good sign that I at least know this about myself . . . I think . . . maybe . . . not sure. . .

Kim . . .err Matt . . .DANG this gets confusing!

I am not preaching or bragging or gloating. I am just wanting to share how and why my husband being a crossdresser is never a source of conflict in our lives.

If you are NOT just a "crossdressers only" this really would not apply.

I am also taking a big chance by sharing this on this portion of the site. Things like this I would normally not post where all can read. Usually I would only share this with people via p or in the g section only. Please know I am not putting anyone down or criticizing or implying anything about anyone else other than my life and my marriage. If one person gets an idea out of this, super cool.

But for any who are curious about a wife's perspective read on:

1) I knew going into our marriage.

We made sure to ask hard difficult questions of each other. Dare I say questions that would make some people uncomfortable. But we both needed to make sure we both had some similar ideas about life, marriage, and the future.

2) My husband was over the worst part of any guilt or shame he might have had.

Like many he went through that rough time of wondering what it all meant. Tried to stop a few times, etc. But the worst was behind him. He had accepted himself and did not spend all his time and engery trying to understand 'why'.

3) He was sure of his sexuality.

We had long talks about this subject. It it came down to he is only attracted to gg's.

4) He has strong feelings about about being monogamous and faithful in a relationship.

He said if I had been a swinger or bi-curious or interested in any other kind of situation, he would have not continued dating me. That impressed me. Because I knew already that some guys will agree to anything once they find a woman is accepting of dressing. Him willing to pass me up if I was not in the same headspace was a truthful and blunt answer that showed just how serious he was.

5) He is sure of his gender.

He does enjoy expressing his femme side, but not so much that is shadows or casts a negative on his male side. We even talked about what if he won the lottery would he consider full time or other changes..his answer was always consistent. He had already questioned that possibility and always came back with the same answer. Not something he wanted.

6) He keeps me informed about body modifications and superficial changes.

Personally I am not fond of body hair on guys. And he knew this from day one, but it was still nice that he talked to me when he was considering having professional hair removal done on his face. he knew I would be fine with it, but to still keep me informed was a nice gesture. I did not get sprung on me.

7) We divide our "fun" money equally so no one person ever feels like they are short-changed.

After our bills get paid we each get a little to blow on what ever we choose. I never feel like he is over spending on 'her' and he does not have to feel like I am stifling his feminine needs. Everybody gets what they want.

8) We talk about what he would like to do en femme next. Together, before it actually happens.

We discuss possible outings, making of new friends, and other things he might want to do. I don't get forced or coerced into going or doing or meeting someone I am not somewhat prepared for. I usually have plenty of time to think if it is an activity that I am okay with and any safety concerns I might have can get worked out. We choose our outings and friends with thought and mutual agreements.

9) I get plenty of boy-time too.

As much as I love when Amanda is in full mode or half-done mode I still enjoy my hubby as a guy. After all, I married a crossdresser, not a woman. And I think he is a pretty cute guy and I do like when that cute guy takes me out to a movie or dinner or dessert in our bedroom! This balance keeps me happy to have Amanda around!

10) We compliment each other and boost each other.

I tell him he looks handsome or beautiful. He tells me I am cute. The adjectives change, but the sentiments are always there to some small or large extent most every day.

11) We try to make time to talk and listen to each other.

And that is hard when you have a toddler! But it still has to happen. Constant open and honest talking keeps things moving along. You have to be able to sometimes say things that they other might not want to hear. You have to sometimes know you wont' always agree, but that is okay. You still love each other.

and

12) We not only say we love each other, but prove it with our actions.

Thanks for reading this.