I guess I must be one of the lucky ones. My wife knows all about me, it was actually the first thing I told her about when we met. She's ok with my femme side, although she's never seen me dressed. I don't want to push the issue though.
I guess I must be one of the lucky ones. My wife knows all about me, it was actually the first thing I told her about when we met. She's ok with my femme side, although she's never seen me dressed. I don't want to push the issue though.
I sat here mulling this over. Just for a moment, think about your wife wanting to become a trans-man. Suppose she started doing the changes necessary to become one. But we stayed male. The prospects aren't very appealing, once you wrap your mind around it.
Most women, (Or at least all of those I've ever met in my life) have this idea that if they had some sort of mental breakdown, or contracted cancer that would make them loose certain parts, we'd stick by them, and help them deal with the aftermath. They, I believe do expect that from us.
But us having identity issues? No, that's not acceptable. We're supposed to be strong, and hide our disappointment. And, just because you showed mental weakness, we'll just heap a bit more on you, so you can really feel miserable. Because you didn't want to be a strong man.
Yup, this is a can of worms that nobody wanted to open.
I don't dress up because I want to be a woman, I dress up to make me happy.
Originally Posted by marlacd
That's why that even though my wife is accepting, I don't have any plans to let her meet my feminine alter-ego. It would change the way she sees me.
You need to compare apples with apples.
I'm guessing there are as many wives who would stay with husbands who have mental breakdowns or penile/prostate cancer, as there are husbands who would stay with wives who have mental breakdowns or breast/uterine cancer.
Identity issues are entirely different. Sexual and gender identity are fundamental building blocks of who we are as humans and it is very difficult to change one's sexual attraction. This doesn't mean that wives cannot accept, but the ones who do need to be appreciated, and the extent to which they can accept needs to be respected.
Reine
Absolutely! It's that picture of you dressed as a woman that would forever be etched in her brain.That's why that even though my wife is accepting, I don't have any plans to let her meet my feminine alter-ego. It would change the way she sees me.
Hi thank you all for your help I have a lot to think about roll on therapy
Hang in there, Jessica! Ultimatums sometimes really back-fire on the giver. If you put her feet to the fire, she may agree to at least a DA/DT agreement, not to lose her life partner and the father of her children. Hugs!
I agree with you on that. Now, lets go one step further. Obviously CDing ruins sexual attraction. My ex ruined the attraction I had for her. Instead of being the small cute blonde that was agreeable, she became a belligerent, mouthy, redhead that put on a hundred plus pounds, all before she had any sort of inkling that I was a CD. I had my urges parked and under control for 18 years prior to her changing. I might have handled the weight, but not the red hair. I personally couldn't stand it on her. I never had any attraction towards redheads, going back as far as when I started liking girls. In talking with her about it, in her words, I was supposed to put up with it. Everyone else said it looked good on her. So, my opinion didn't matter, as far as she was concerned.
I don't dress up because I want to be a woman, I dress up to make me happy.
I'm sad for you Jessica. I hate reading these posts and I can't imagine what is like to have one levelled in my direction. The closest I've come is a very nice "can you cool it for a bit" from my SO.
This is really sad, you have to be you if you suppress your femme side you'll end up miserable, counsellors, quacks, shrinks, they are all the same if we crossdressers dont understand why we feel the need to do what we do then how can they? do what you feel is right not because someone is forcing your hand. good luck.
My Instagram xnicolex1988
Hopefully, you wife will join you in your appointment.
Could there be more to the story than your wife just pronouncing that she "can't cope anymore"? Did something happen? Typically there is some kind of catalyst that causes someone to blow. Obviously I don't know you or your wife but you may want to explore both of your feelings a little more to find out what happened.
I may be wrong, but I doubt that the ultimatum was just thrown out there out of the blue.
I hope you both are able to come to a reasonable compromise.
Hi thanks every one for your help I will see how it goes and keep you posted thanks
But again, apples with apples.
There are as many women who put up with husbands who've gained weight as husbands who've put up with heavier wives. There are as many women who put up with bald husbands as men who put up with women who've changed the color of their hair.
I'm sorry that your marriage deteriorated. Maybe this is why your wife feels the way she does about the CDing. And maybe the deteriorating marriage is why you felt a lack of sexual attraction to your wife as her body changed with age. When the basics are gone, it's hard to be supportive of the package.
Reine
I don't understand the need or desire for therapy. What is the purpose or goal. If you are going to therapy to be cured of crossdressing, save your money. It ain't gonna happen. The only purpose for therapy might be to reach some kind of DADT agreement, or level of acceptance. But no one is ever "cured" of crossdressing. And suppressing it will likely lead to depression, and resentment, and possible health problems due to the constant stress of suppressing it. Before starting therapy, you both need to ask yourselves, why are we doing this. What result do we seek? Otherwise, you are just throwing your money away.
Last edited by MelanieAnne; 07-01-2016 at 12:11 AM.
Sad, to say, many people think you cam just quit CDing, and never do it again. I sent an older lady i rented a room with, photos of me dressed. She told me she did not like it,a nd i was wrong, and should stop. She then sent the photos to a close older lady friend, telling her what was in the envelope. My friend said she would not even open the envelope, and did not want to see me as a woman, but only remember me as a man. On the phone, she scolded me, telling me I am a man, not a woman!! She seemed open to understanding gays some, but not this!! She married a "normal" man, who was married a few times before, and we never talk anymore. It seems some GG's and other "normal" people, only look at our "perverse" problem, and ignore all the other parts of us.
I got to a point in my life where I'd seen the spectrum of acceptance/non-acceptance in the women I had been dating. I made a pact with myself that I would inform any woman I was dating for more than a couple of months, and I would stop dating any woman that was not accepting. I was not going to live the rest of my life punishing myself for being who I am.
To the original poster; I say the response above to highlight something; If...if...you end up getting divorced, in your future dating life do not accept non-acceptance. You are who you are. You can no more change the fact you _need_ to crossdress than, as others have said, you can change your eye color. It's who you are. There are plenty (and I do mean that...plenty) of women who will accept you crossdressing. There's levels of acceptance, to be sure. Some women actively encourage it, want to see it, be part of it. That's few and far between, but there are many women who will accept it enough that you can be you. In terms of numbers, think of it like a bell curve. There's a top few % and bottom few %. At these extremes are total acceptance and total rejection. Most women are somewhere in the middle-ish of the curve. Everything else being healthy in the relationship, a considerable number of women will at least tolerate it. Don't ever accept anything less.
For your current situation, a counselor who understands transgender issues is far better equipped than one who does not. Your wife has to come to grips with the understanding that this isn't going to change about you, and you can not give it up. Recognition of that is step #1. Following that, some understanding of compromise, of limits, of borders has to be developed to create a world in which she can live, and your femme alter ego can live as well.
Last edited by JulieC; 07-04-2016 at 12:51 PM.
Hi thank you all for your help I'm goner see how this all plays out I will keep you posted
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