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Thread: Wife said she would never had married me!

  1. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    ...I tried coming out five months ago.
    What does this mean? "tried"?


    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    She blew up on me tonight, said she would never had married me....
    But you ARE married now. So whatever she or you "would have done" is immaterial. What will you two do going forward?

  2. #27
    Silver Member AmandaM's Avatar
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    Wow. We all have moments where we regret things. I recently had issues with my menopausal wife going off the deep end. I was pretty upset as some of you know. I decided to take the high road. I told her I didn't want a divorce but if she wants one, we can make it peaceful, divvy up everything and move on. She decided she didn't want a divorce. She's still menopausal, etc. And I'm no prince. But we're still together. In the future if she wants to go, or I want to go, I'm good with that. But, I think that drama has passed.

    You need to have talks and discussions with her and/or therapist on how to move forward. The anger she has will kill the relationship if not dealt with.

  3. #28
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    "What does this mean? "tried"?"

    I told her that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

    She said "what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, Your all messed up!"

    I reminded her that she knew I dressed up with friends when I was a teen and a bunch of times for Halloween, She said "thats not real life, I would have never married you if I knew"

    I asked her her how the last 35 years have been and she said "good for the most part"

    I asked her that out of all the husbands you know including me which one would you want? she said I was at the top of the list but cross-dressing is to much to handle.

    I do my best to be opened to her when she's ready to ask me any thing about it!
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  4. #29
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Is she worth it?

    Some people might feel that if divorce is the price to pay for being yourself, then why go on being less than yourself?

    Perhaps she's the one who's all messed up?
    I used to have a short attention spa

  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    "What does this mean? "tried"?"

    I told her that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress....
    Well, this supports my statements that there is no way to hint yourself "out." One needs to have a serious sit down and come out if that is one's intent.

    Best of luck to you both

  6. #31
    Gold Member Read only Rachael Leigh's Avatar
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    I see a lot of beating up the wife here for not accepting this, while I'm sure we would all love for them to accept us, that it's just not always possible for some. Many wives feel that they can no longer respect us once they see us dressed or find out the many aspects of this lifestyle.
    I agree with others here to not purge but just remember you are suppose to be her man and not her women.
    I find it hard for me at times to recognize this myself

  7. #32
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Judy, I am very saddened to here this. I do not know her, or you that well, so any advice from me, driving a car blindfolded a bit. Lots of sound advice on here. I guess have more talks, referring her to this site, loved ones forum, her doing some research, and offering both of you to see a therepist. If none of this helps, and you can't live without dressing, and she stays adamant , as hard as it seems, maybe a separation is best , rather than live in life draining turmoil, and civil war. If after separation, there is no compromise, then maybe divorce. Sometimes, a wise man said, divorce can be the most loving, merciful thing to do, rather than stay in a warzone. I do hope she will be willing to educate herself, or go with you to therapist first.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 06-30-2016 at 03:10 PM.

  8. #33
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    Judy,
    It does sound as if you need to go through your CDing and decide where you want to be with it , possibly write it down. At the moment it sounds as if you can't explain it clearly enough.
    I accept I was born like it, just wired differently, realising that is a starting point because no ultimatum is going to change that . Only you can answer if your dressing changes your sexual preferences, and only you can say where you are on the gender spectrum.. I've had to do that for myself through counselling, I know where I am now so I can honestly put it to my wife. We came very close to a separation , for a few days it felt good but the reality hit and the hurt we both began to feel was too much . My wife realised exactly what the loss of me meant and I knew the responsibilities I was putting on my wife's shoulders.
    It's not perfect but I do now openly shop and attend a social group , my family all know and are OK with it.
    I hope you can come to a good solution but once sensible talk does start about living lives apart you start to realise what you both stand to lose.

  9. #34
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    hang in there Judy and wait for things to settle
    my wife said the same thing when i came out to her 5 years ago
    while hearing that really hurt and other things like our marriage
    was a sham she has come around and is tolerant of my
    dressing and our marriage although not the same has improved
    a lot since that fateful day i told her about my love of women's
    clothes

  10. #35
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    I told her that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

    She said "what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, Your all messed up!"

    I reminded her that she knew I dressed up with friends when I was a teen and a bunch of times for Halloween, She said "thats not real life, I would have never married you if I knew"

    I asked her her how the last 35 years have been and she said "good for the most part"
    It is obvious that she has a definite mind’s-eye-view of what is the crossdressing. Maybe to her, it means being Kaytlin Jenner or a drag queen at a gay pride parade. To her, maybe it does mean being gay (only gay men crossdress because dressing up as a girl means you want to attract men), or having a fetish of some sort (crossdressers dress for sexual gratification and I don’t want to be with a husband like that, I want him to want ME), or perhaps she thinks it also means wanting to become a woman (OMG will he want boobs and a vagina next). At the same time it looks as if she does acknowledge it is something that boys do for fun sometimes because boys will be boys and who the heck can understand their motives ... like dressing for a lark, for example a fraternity that hazes plebes by making them dress like women to walk down Main St, or just for fun at Halloween, but "this certainly does not mean they want to do this all the time".

    Note the things I have in parenthesis is what may be going through her mind, not what I believe, obviously.

    In any event, it sounds as if she is quite sure of what it means and she made it clear to you that she will have none of that.

    But, what if she changes her definition of what it means. What if she comes to realize that there are indeed men who gain a benefit from expressing femininity, and it doesn’t mean they are gay or they no longer find their wives attractive, and it doesn’t mean they want breasts and vaginas permanently (although many of you have enjoyed fantasizing about this).

    What if she comes to realize that dressing is a need for you but it doesn’t fundamentally change the role you want to play in your lives or your relationship with her and your kids, nor does it change your sexuality, nor are you interested in coming out to family, friends, coworkers etc who do think of it like your wife and who will judge you (and her by extension) negatively to the point of affecting the way they think about you.

    You need to explain what you get out of this to your wife, how you have felt about this all your life and how you feel now, the extent to which you would realistically like to take this, how "out" you would like to be, and also explain what happens to you when you don’t dress. You should read the link in Jenniferathome’s signature link, the letter explaining this to Jennifer’s wife. And you also need to respect that if she becomes willing to accord you time and space to crossdress because she realizes how important this is, you will be willing to respect her enough to not involve her if she doesn’t want to be involved. And in time, she may come to see that the fact that you express femininity occasionally need not affect the quality of the life she has come to know with you, and then she may begin to develop trust that the life she knows and her relationship with you will not change.


    Edit
    ... and if she does eventually come to make concessions, please tread carefully and don't mess it up by immediately ramping it up behind her back. If you want to make some changes, then discuss it with her first otherwise you will risk reversing all the gains you'll have made because she will go back to thinking all the things I mentioned in my first paragraph.
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-30-2016 at 02:28 PM.
    Reine

  11. #36
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    I know most on here are saying do not purge, I am not going to continue that. If you really feel at this time it is better overall, then purge. You are only a few hundred dollars away from a small new wardrobe. If you have something that is very precious to you, well, that is another story, but even still, you have to do what you think and feel is right for you right now

    Yes, it sounds as if your wife has some strong and somewhat antiquated beliefs of CDing. Not a surprise given her age. What I am also going to say is that your wife is far from alone. Sadly I believe there are many would be CDers who have wives that feel very strongly about crossdressing, or TG anything and are adamantly against it.

    I will also say that many on here have experienced our wives having some fairly harsh initial reactions. So what you are seeing and hearing from her today may NOT be what she will always think or feel. My wife is today not comfortable about it all, but was more uncomfortable about it in the beginning, and I was the recipient of being a "F---ing freak" (she apologized) Today some 3 and a half years later, I respect her and not throw it in her face, it is not a daily subject of conversation, but not off limits either. She is very respectful to me nowadays, and never puts me down about it or has anything much negative to say about the subject.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  12. #37
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for the support.

    I'm not putting my wife down, I was just hoping She would except me at least a little.

    Over the last fifteen years or so while my kids were growing up I didn't cross-dress, I had my stuff in a cellar in another town.

    I guess I didn't dress was because children are so much fun and take all your free time and if I ever got some time to dress none of my stuff was here.

    I read a lot that CD'ers want to dress more as they get older. I'm going to make an effort to get this under control.

    I didn't purge but I do want to at least purge half, I figure I don't need 80 dresses.
    I put my stash in storage so if I get the urge to dress I won't be able to, My wife has no dresses and her clothes are to small. LOL

    One day at a time.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  13. #38
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    I'm not putting my wife down, I was just hoping She would except me at least a little.
    This takes time, sometimes years, and the countdown starts only after the first real conversation (hints don't count). You've been living with this for a long time. Up til now, your wife thought you did this on Halloween for a lark.


    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    My wife has no dresses and her clothes are to small. LOL

    One day at a time.
    OK, just a bit of advice. If you want your wife's eventual cooperation, please don't be LOL-ing about the fact that she has no dresses and she put on weight. Try to find some compassion and understanding, just as you would like from her toward you.
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-30-2016 at 08:56 PM.
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  14. #39
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    I'm not with the "don't purge" crowd. First of all, if you tell her you will and you don't, isn't that just piling on another lie that will eventually be uncovered? Second of all, if she comes around (unlikely) or you decide you're going to do it anyway (likely), acquiring clothes is half the fun! I routinely donate some and go get some more. Purging doesn't necessarily mean quitting forever. I'm sure she'll point that out, if she hasn't already. If you think quitting is in the best interest of you and your marriage, I say go for it!

  15. #40
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    I've never understood how women can claim to love a guy, then issue ultimatums and just walk away. If you love someone, you can't just walk away. You can be hurt, or sad, but you can't just walk away.

  16. #41
    Junior Member Nadine Robles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    She blew up on me tonight, said she would never had married me.
    Dear Judy: Have in mind that your wife is most likely pissed for the fact that you hide things from her, She trusted you with her life and now is finding you're a different person that the one she thought she married, it has nothing to do with cding for that matter... Try to repair the relationship by regaining her trust. Show her that youre being completely open and that you tell her your most intimate secrets for no reason other than you love her. (if thats the case indeed)

  17. #42
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    MelanieAnne,

    Some people are just black and white , no shades of grey, they are willing to cut off their nose to spite their face rather and admit they're wrong.

    Yes eventually they do find they're the losers and have no one to turn to . Stubbornness can lead to being very lonely .

  18. #43
    Junior Member EffyJaspers's Avatar
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    Rooting for a GOOD outcome Judy. Reading this thread has helped shape the way I see a "in the future likely" scenario play out and all these people's advice.
    It's only been two days from my count, so your "black hole of despair" situation could within a week turn out to only be murky. You can work with a murky situation more so than a complete shut out.
    I'm younger than you by more than half your age (59 someone said) so I don't know much. I'd advise you to talk to her like the rest, do your half purge eventually (no reason to disappear on her and get her nerves twisted even more), and overall again say try to fill her with a new perspective knowledge.

    I wish for a GOOD outcome, because who wants it to only be okay.

  19. #44
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    Judy,

    I may be way off here, but I have an alternate concept to consider. It may be way off, and I do not want to ruffle your feathers.
    I have read a number of your posts and seen a number of your photos. I find it difficult to believe that your wife has not been aware of your dressing for a long time. You are far too accomplished and practiced. You even have indicated that you have been dressing at a great frequency (almost weekly) for a very Long time. Maybe some periods with less, but generally about once or twice a week on average for 30 years.

    I know what it takes to transform from a rough looking 50 year old man into an attractive cougar, and you do it well. But I also know that we leave behind tell tale signs, or at very least have spent a great deal of "unexplained" time away. Your wife has noticed, and if you are lucky has figured out that you just a CD and not cheating on her. She may have taken the ostrich in the sand approach, and settled in for a reality she can deal with. Now you've gotten more active, and want to break down the closet door. Well you've upset her apple cart. Now she has to confront a shift in reality. No more pretending it doesn't exist. And, oh gawd, why now? Are you leaving, transitioning, gay? Oh gawd, oh gawd, oh gawd! Why now, why him, why me!

    Yeah its going to be tough, but with love, warmth, patience, and calm but direct discussion, over time, you can probably save your marriage.

    P.S. I am really rooting for you, and if you have 80 dresses, you need to purge. Send me photos, and I'll help you select which ones to loose. In fact if you send those particular ones to me, I'll take care of them for you. Let's start with stuff in a 12 or 14......
    Last edited by Meghan4now; 07-01-2016 at 07:40 AM.

  20. #45
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    There is a "sticky" in the Loved Ones section titled "Now I Like It, Now I Don't". It may be interesting for you to read if you haven't already. Some GG's who love their men flop back and forth on the CD issue when they are trying to understand what is going on. It may not entirely pertain to your specific situation but I believes it spells out some of the turmoil that GG's minds may go through.

    My only suggestion to you is don't go to extremes. Don't purge (you already said you weren't), don't give up other things. Have meaningful conversations with your wife and don't beat around the bush by "hinting", etc. Be honest. You know and have known for many years how you feel, she doesn't.

    Good luck on your journey.

  21. #46
    Member Patrica Gil's Avatar
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    been there, done that.

    My ex said the same thing to me. Exactly the same words were used. When the end came honestly she was looking for an excuse to leave me anyway. Oddly as far as no woman would want that, well that is not true. More than one lady has accepted me for me. More than one lady has bought me something pretty from time to time. Currently my love does encourage me to be the person that is me. Yes she does get excited when I get girly, however she is not the only woman that does. There are women out there that do enjoy us for who we are. More than one lady enjoys going shopping with me. They do like it when they ask, "does this look good", and we are totally girlfriends. After my ex left I told myself I was not going into a relationship without the women knowing about me. Sure some left skid marks, but they were not the one for me.Oddly it took many years to realize, it a person doesn't like you for who you are then maybe they they won't ever like you.
    My ex was and still is a selfish person. Oddly my children do enjoy my company more. Even been dressed with them while they visited me.

  22. #47
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    This site should be called (Life of a Cross-dresser).
    Every body's situation is a little different but a lot is so similar.

    Some people say no hints just come out with it. But if the hints freak her out doesn't that indicate a bad outcome.

    Tonight my wife said to me "You know I love you but the idea you want to wear women's clothes made me cry.

    Then she asked "What other secrets are you keeping from me?"

    Then my daughter walked in and I left the room.

    I would love to tell her if I knew the outcome, but not knowing I afraid!

    Miss JUdy
    Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 07-01-2016 at 10:01 PM.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  23. #48
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    No, if she freaks out initially it doesn't guarantee any outcome. A lot of wives freak out initially. The communication of ideas take time. It's not done instantaneously. Your wife has a lifetime of having built up opinions about what it means to be a crossdresser, that have no bearing on what you actually do. It will take time for her to begin to understand it from your point of view and believe that you are not in fact gay, or however else she thinks this means. This doesn't mean she will grow to love it, but she could eventually acknowledge that you do need to dress, and you do need the time and space to do so even if she is not involved. Please read my post #35.

    Yes, it will mean several difficult conversations between you and your wife, and attempts by each one of you to understand the other's point of view and to be thoroughly honest (she will need to tell you all the reasons she doesn't want this and you will need to listen, and you will need to tell her all the reasons you need to crossdress and she will need to listen). If you both love each other and are interested in staying together, then you will find some sort of compromise, even if this translates to you dressing when she plays bridge or visits her mother, or you begin to attend a TG support meeting, or you can store your clothes in the guest room closet, but at least she will know what is going on.

    You need to stop walking out when things get difficult. You won't be able to get through the necessary communication with your wife that way.
    Last edited by ReineD; 07-01-2016 at 10:12 PM.
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  24. #49
    Junior Member EffyJaspers's Avatar
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    I think the "you know I love you but..." and "what other secrets are you hiding from me?" sound really promising in my eyes. She blew up at you and now is confessing her love and telling you this broke her trust. Now in a brilliant strategy build the trust back up (long term endeavour). And if your child(ren) haven't learned it by now with the argument you should probably ease the situation into their mind. Let them know your hurt mom's feelings by hiding it from her this whole time, and that CDing shouldn't be a stigma in their eyes just because mom is majority upset right now right now about it, it's again because you hid it from her.

  25. #50
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    The question is if your wife is in love with you, or with an image of what you were at one time. If the former, your relationship will endure, if the latter there will be trouble as soon as something happens that causes you to deviate from that image too far, be it crossdressing, illness, or simply evolving with life.

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